Let Me Eat Cake

What I would like to do right now is eat all the cake and buy a lot of shit on Amazon. Possibly followed by a Law and Order: SVU marathon viewed from my bed.

Hugmonkey's cake. Pretty sure Ironflower, Lovebug and I have eaten most of it. 

I do not feel like blogging, working on freelance submissions, cleaning, doing laundry, organizing the basement or anything else I'm supposed to do when the kids are occupied.

I have had all this time to write and I have grudgingly completed one post.

I always have a certain. . . um, amount of stress. . .eating at me. Stuff I don't blog about because I don't need advice on it (by the way, thank you so much to all who commented/Facebooked/messaged me about Tuesday's post, you helped more than you know) or want to share it with the entire world.

But my desire for cake (and shopping and SVU marathons) tells me that I have more than the usual stress going on lately. It's giving me blogger's block. It's making me twitchy. It's giving me a pile of Hershey's wrappers on my desk. Okay, part of that is not going to the gym because I've got a sick kiddo on my hands. But the other part of that is worry.

My mom's not been well, and while she's going to be fine, she's not going to be fine for a while. And it's taken MONTHS for the doctors to figure out what was wrong with her. . .though it came up during a CURSORY Google search I did. Which I dismissed, because I assumed the doctors would have discovered that issue quickly. And now it's taking weeks for them to finally deal with the issue, because of course they are so over-booked.

Glad we have such "great" health care in the northeast. I swear, it feels like NJ doctors think arrogance=greatness.

I miss my Kansas City medical experiences.

Anyway, so I'm worried about my mom, but there's nothing I can really do, which sucks. Then, on Hugmonkey's birthday no less, a guy shows up at our local mall with a fucking rifle. We might have taken Hugmonkey to the mall that evening if his cold wasn't still so bad (As a friend pointed out, this cold has undoubtedly been a blessing in disguise).

I have been going to that mall since I was a baby. I have been taking my kids to that mall since they were babies. Everywhere I've turned, for the last few days, I've heard about this person's nephew or that person's friend who was in the mall on Monday night. After finding out the gunman had only killed himself, I felt so relieved. So happy that he only wanted to hurt himself.

Isn't that sick? To be relieved it was "only" a suicidal young man?

I mean, of course that's better than so many of the other shooters, who wanted to take others out with them.

I am angry. I am angry that it was easier for this young man to get a gun than it was to get therapy. I am angry at everyone who thinks a "good guy with a gun" could have stopped any of these situations in crowded places with scores of innocent bystanders. I am angry that the news keeps glorifying these situations as they endlessly speculate while waiting for actual news. I am angry that I've had to talk to my kids about what to do if there's a gunman around.

I am worried and I am angry but I hate being angry and clearly I need to go back to meditating because it's driving me crazy not to have control in any of these situations.

If you're still reading, thank you. Just vomiting all this out has been incredibly helpful. Now I know how much I need to get back to meditating, yoga and the gym.

Though if someone could just tell me where the best cake (Hugmonkey's was very good, but it's almost gone) in Bergen County is, I'll be all better in no time.

I Can't Help It

I don't want to be judgmental. I want to treat myself and others with kindness. I want to have empathy. I want to be able to accept other people's points of view. I was making a lot of progress in this department until the political primaries last year.

For example, I get it if you're anti-choice. If you really believe that life begins at conception, then of course abortion is a tragedy. Hell, even if you don't believe that, abortion is pretty tragic. But so many of the people who see stopping abortion as their number one issue don't see access to birth control and sex education and good public education and food stamps and affordable day care and affordable health care as their next most important issues. That's what I don't get. 

Also, I get that we should all do what we can for ourselves. But when I want to drive a long distance? I would like a nicely maintained interstate. And if a disaster strikes my home? I might need a FEMA trailer or other aid from the Federal government. When I start my small business? I'd love a grant or a loan - like many Republicans have gotten. When my kids go to college? They're going to need some Pell grants. When there's an outbreak of a scary virus? I want the CDC all over that shit. When there's a war, I would like an army, with officers trained at a famous service academy. I like National Parks. I like to know that new foods and medicines are tested before I give them to my kids. When I look at my utility and grocery bills?  I like that the government gives subsidies to utility companies and farmers so that my utilities and my food are cheaper.  None of us have been successful completely on our own, folks. Unless you grew up off the grid and never left the compound or bought anything from a store (shipping on the national highways, you know). . .shut up about the government's entitlement programs and how you did everything yourself. 

I think the bootstraps mentality is really just a way to bitch about so-called entitlement programs. Over 90% of "entitlement" funds go to the disabled, the old or the already working. If your belief is that they should all die or starve or be supported by their families, then fine. Hate the programs. Just be honest about it, okay? Don't bitch about 'welfare queens' who comprise less than 1 percent of this group, bitch about your Aunt Doris who gets disability because she's paralyzed. I have heard - more than once - people on disability complain about entitlement programs.  I have also heard this from people living in FEMA trailers because their homes flooded and they didn't have enough insurance to rebuild. And I've certainly heard it from people receiving social security benefits. It's like they don't see that they're receiving benefits. . . and the government will have to slash their benefits too if it wants to save money. I can't accept that their point of view is as valid as mine. 

And then we've got the people who are against Obamacare. Since Mitt actually instituted a similar program when he was governor of Massachusetts, I'm especially confused. Maybe people think it's a states' rights issue? Except that the state governments rely on Federal money to pay for Medicare, Medicaid and uninsured people anyway so. . .shouldn't the Feds get a say? Some people claim that giving everyone health care is socialist. I hope those people are also against social security, unemployment and disability payments - those were all called "socialist" once too. I also hope those people can explain what socialism is and realize that it has nothing to do with the government owning doctors, medications, hospitals or any other parts of the health care system. I have also heard that Obamacare will cost the virtuous American tax payer more because of all those lazy people who don't have jobs that provide health insurance. First of all, that's not true. Uninsured people use emergency rooms, which cost more and also hold up the people with real emergencies. Uninsured people are more likely to have healthcare issues become serious, which means they can't work. (But maybe they can go on disability - that's okay, right?) Uninsured people are usually working, because they can't qualify for Medicaid.

I'm okay if you disagree with me. Just make sure your viewpoint is consistent. And not hypocritical.