The Procrastinator's Guide to Life

(My imaginary self-help book, condensed into one free blog post)

1. Most deadlines are really more like coma-lines; things may be dire but there's still a chance for an extension.
2. Rushing helps you focus.
3. Some things do go away if you ignore them a lot. Like your car if you don't keep up with the payments. 
4. Waiting until the last minute is a great way to rebel against authority without actually risking real trouble. 
5. If you clean days before the guests arrive, the place will just get messy again. Then you're cleaning TWICE, which actually wastes time. 
6. You can accomplish a lot of  tedious tasks while avoiding the one thing you REALLY don't want to do. 
7. Being organized is the secret to being a procrastinator who doesn't have her electricity turned off for non-payment, even though she had enough money to pay the bill. 
8. If you're going to be consumed by guilt when putting something off, just get it over with. Procrastination should be enjoyed like a fine wine. . . .or a Real Housewives marathon. 
9. Do not procrastinate on the highway. Especially when they're closing your lane or when you're close to your exit. 
10. Sometimes your desire to procrastinate is actually a window into your sub-conscious. If you put off kissing every guy you date until he eventually gives up, maybe you'd rather be dating girls. 
11. Never look immaculately groomed. Not only does it intimidate people, it makes it harder for them to believe that your report is late because you've been taking care of sick toddlers. 
12. After high school no one is going to praise you for "managing your time wisely", only for getting shit done. 

Dear Moms of Infants

There's a baby swim class at the same time as Hugmonkey's new swim class. It's great because when it's not Hugmonkey's turn, I can watch all the adorable babies. It's hard not to have baby lust when you like babies and your "baby" is 5.

Fortunately, the baby class ends at the same time as Hugmonkey's. I get to see the moms struggle to change diapers and rinse babies and get out of their own bathing suits and deal with crying and bottles and pacifiers on the floor. Meanwhile, I'm checking my phone because Hugmonkey is in a stall dressing himself. The baby lust recedes quickly.

Sometimes I participate in the conversations the moms are having while they wait their turns for the changing tables. Sometimes they even ask me questions as I lounge against the wall. Usually, I don't really get to answer because babies aren't conducive to conversations. Of course, neither is Hugmonkey when he's ready to get going and have lunch. Anyway, here is what I'd like to tell the "baby moms" I see every week. . .

• Just buy the minivan. Even if you only ever have one kiddo, there will come a time in the not-too-distant future where you'll be hauling extra kids around. Trust me. 
• No one cares whether your baby's socks match. 
• Write down (even if it's just on Facebook) when especially cute or funny stuff happens, because your memory is never going to work as well as it used to. 
• Baby swim class is a fine activity, but just because your kid likes it now, that doesn't mean he's destined to be the next Ryan Lochte. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. 
• The same holds true for baby music, baby gym, baby art and (for Brooklyn parents) baby DJ class. 
• I know you can't imagine why I'm so entertained by "talking" to your baby, but you'll understand someday when your youngest child regularly performs 30 minute monologues on Minecraft. 

Attainability 2014!

Like most people, I suck at keeping noble New Year's resolutions. If you read anything about making changes in your life, you know that making small, attainable steps is the way to create real change. But you can't tell that from people's typical resolution lists; lose weight, stress less, take up yoga, bring about world peace. . . . . I mean, those aren't small, actionable steps. Which is why normal people typically give up on their resolutions before Valentine's Day.

But not me. Not this year. I have chosen a small, actionable step for each of my 2014 resolutions. If I can accomplish these smaller tasks, then I will have kept my New Year's resolutions and next year I can be all smug* about how I kept my resolutions in 2014.


1. Bring about world peace - I will stop fighting with Phil Robertson fans on Twitter. Less fighting = more peace, right?

2. Lose weight - I will cut my hair soon. I have really thick hair, so I'm relatively sure this will help me lose at least 5 pounds.

3. Become more fit - I will use headphones and watch TV on my phone instead of reading while I'm at the gym, because I always slow down when I'm reading something good.

4. Stress less - I will block the Phil Robertson fans on Twitter, so I don't even have to resist the temptation to fight with them. That's almost as good as meditation, right?

5. Be more patient with my children - I will have a cocktail every night while they're doing their homework.

6. Spend more quality time with my children - I will teach them how to make me the perfect gin and tonic.

7. Be more organized - I will add an "organization" board to Pinterest.

8. Practice self-care regularly - I will stop watching Fox News when I'm at the gym.

9. Save more money - I will stop checking Zulily and ThredUp when I don't actually need something.

10. Take my writing more seriously - I will stop describing my part-time profession as, "writing crap on the internet".

What are your resolutions this year?


*And then in 2015 I can work on being less smug, which really can't be that hard, right? It's like I've set myself up for TWO years of resolution success. I'm a genius! But I won't be a smug one after 2015, I promise. 

Teaching Tuesday: Ace Your Parent Teacher Conference

The parent/teacher relationship is weird. I've participated in conferences with parents who were openly hostile to schools in general and me in particular, parents who were high, parents who were drunk, parents who confused my job with baby-sitting, parents who thought I was overpaid, parents who thought I didn't appreciate their special snowflake and parents who contradicted every single thing I said and every piece of (failing) work I showed them.

To that end, here are some suggestions for parents:

• Show up sober. Sure, it'll be less entertaining that way, but you'll make a much better impression on the teacher. 
• Remember that the teacher is a professional. Who would get paid more if s/he WAS just baby-sitting all those kids each day (25 kids x 6 hours a day x 180 days a year x $5 an hour = $135,000).
• Every single kid in the class is someone's special snowflake. Try to look at things from more than just your own perspective. 
• I'm sorry if you've had unpleasant experiences with teachers and schools in the past. However, unless those were this particular teacher's fault, don't bring them into the conference. 
• Understand that when the teacher says your kid has problems with boundaries, s/he means that your kid is the one who hits and bothers other children. 
• Realize that when the teacher says your kid has problems following directions, s/he means that your kid lacks self-control. 
• Conferences are a time for parents and teachers to work together to make kids successful academically and socially. If the teacher has concerns, it's (usually) not because s/he's out to get your kid, but because s/he wants your kid to succeed. 
• Ask what you can do to help at home or what tutoring services the teacher recommends, don't demand that the teacher tutor your kid every morning before school for free. 
• Show up at your appointed time. If you don't know when that is, find out. Before conference day. Please. 

As a parent, I've participated in conferences with teachers who didn't seem to know my kid very well or like him/her very much. I've also known certain former colleagues who didn't quite know how to have a successful parent teacher conference. Here are some tips for them:

• Be sober. Again, less entertaining, but much more effective. 
• Know and love each of your students. If you can't do that, it's time to get an administrative job. 
• Gather your data. Don't just say that little Billy is struggling with spelling, show his last several tests and his daily work. 
• Have some suggestions at hand. If little Susie has problems remembering her math facts and you want her to do flash cards every night, have those ready to go for the conference. 
• Try to start and end positively. 
• Remember that while you're the education expert (at least, I hope you are), the parent is the expert on his or her child. Value those insights. 
• Don't take anything personally. 
• Sit in a chair similar to what the parent has to sit in. In other words, don't sit in your comfy, padded desk chair while the parents sit in first grade sized ones. 
• Some people have to bring their younger kids with them to the conference; try to set up a coloring or play area so that they are entertained. 

In Which I Give Parenting Advice

I screw up a lot as a parent. I mean, I don't beat my children or feed them Red Bull and Pixie Sticks, but I'm so not the supermom I thought I would be. I'm trying to learn to be okay with that. One way I do that is by not reading too many blogs or books by moms who ARE supermoms. You know the ones I mean - the ones who homeschool their six kids with special needs while running successful photography businesses and cooking healthy gourmet dinners.

But recently I had this rare moment of feeling like a supermom and it occurred to me that I might have one area of expertise. Also, I need more blog topics that don't involve Rick Santorum or griping about my suburb.

My kids are very good readers. Like, other people have remarked upon it in public kind of readers. Plus, you know, I used to teach children how to read. So yay! I have an area of parenting expertise.

The thing I want to point out is that my kids are not gifted readers - they did not start reading before kindergarten, they are not devouring Harry Potter in the first grade. They're good, but they're normal good. Here's how they got that way (I think):

1. They've been read to almost every night since birth. Once in a while we have to skip it, or I read one book instead of three, but that's rare.

2. We still read picture books. Chapter books have their place and all, but they're really not developmentally appropriate until first grade. And even then, picture books can still teach kids A LOT.

3. No flashcards. That "Teach Your Baby to Memorize" program, or whatever it's called, is crap. Flashcards are okay for teaching kindergartners and/or first graders sight words, but that's it.

4. Lots of rhyming and word play. I sing stupid songs and say ridiculous rhymes all the time ("put on your shoes or you'll have to snooze," e.g.). Phonological awareness - the ability to distinguish and manipulate the sounds within words - is a huge predictor of reading success. Plus, rhyming entertains me when I'm saying the directions for the tenth time.

5. Workbooks are for handwriting and math facts. Seriously, no workbook is going to make your kid a good reader. But it might make them hate reading.

She's very excited that Santa brought her a book. 

6. Reread. Yeah, I know it sucks to read the same book over and over. But it's the perfect time to start pointing at each word. It also helps with comprehension. Try different accents for the different characters to make it more interesting.

7. Go to story time at your local library. Seeing other kids and adults interested in reading makes them think it's cool. Plus, you don't have to read!

8. Your kid may not really like it when you read, especially if you have a very active toddler. S/he may not want to sit still and listen. Let them walk around while you read, or try to just get through one short book every night. If you keep doing it consistently, your kid will start to like it.

9. Have books everywhere. Buy them at garage sales or library sales or get them from friends with older kids, but get as many as you can. Leave some in the bathroom, in the car and in each kid's room.

10. Make books a reward and a celebration. Let kids "earn" extra stories for good behavior. Instead of giving them cash for chores and/or the Tooth Fairy, let them earn books from Scholastic.

Now that I've written all this, of course, Hugmonkey will probably turn out to be a terrible reader or something. I'm pretty sure his mission in life is to kill any parenting confidence I might have. But these steps should work for your kids. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments!

Breastfeeding 101

Here's the thing; I don't really care if you breastfeed or not. I know as someone who breastfed all 3 of her kids, the last 2 exclusively, for a grand total of 39 months (that's over 3 years, for those of you who hate math), that I should be all, "You've gotta breastfeed! It's so rewarding! It's best for baby!". But, um, if you've tried it for 6 weeks and you still hate it? LET IT GO, dude. I say 6 weeks because it can be difficult to get the whole thing figured out, especially when you're a first time mom and your hormones are insane, so you've gotta give it a real chance. With that in mind, here's some advice to help you give it that real chance:

1. You are making enough milk. Yes, you are. It may take your milk a couple of days to come in. NURSE ANYWAY. The colostrum is good for the baby and then your body WILL MAKE ENOUGH MILK. Especially if you exclusively nurse those first weeks. Do not freak out if you're only getting a few ounces pumping, a nursing baby is way better at getting milk out of you than a pump.

2. Your lactation consultant may be an idiot. She (or he? Are there men who do this job?) may be condescending, or tell you to pump, or throw nipple shields at you. S/he may even tell you that you're doing it wrong (This happened to me. Fortunately, it was when I had Lovebug so I KNEW he was latched and all was well, I just had a funky hold. Because the regular holds hurt when you have c-section stitches.) If the lactation consultant makes you feel like you can't do it, then you've got an idiot on your hands. Get advice from other moms, Kellymom.com or your breastfeeding book instead.

3. Avoid lactation consultants, if you can. My friend M. swears this is why breastfeeding has been a piece of cake with her second baby but was weeks of torture with her first. The weekend she had her second, the lactation consultant didn't show up for days. So by the time the consultant showed up, M. and adorable baby C. already had it figured out.

4. Find a truly supportive pediatrician. When I interviewed pediatricians while preggers with Ironflower, they SAID they were supportive of breastfeeding, so I didn't question them further. Ask what percentage of their patients breastfeed exclusively and for how long, ask what s/he will do when your newborn loses weight in the hospital, ask when s/he does recommend formula. As soon as 8 lbs, 10 oz Ironflower lost weight in the hospital, my pediatrician went from being breastfeeding supportive to suggesting formula right away to practically telling me to give up.

5. Your baby is going to lose weight in the hospital. They all do. It usually takes time for your milk to come in, plus they just always seem to. Your breastfeeding book should tell you why. If baby loses more than a pound, however, you might have to try formula. If baby is still having trouble latching, use a cup for the formula. Sure, it's messy that way. But bottles are too easy for those who have trouble latching, trust me. Wait until you've got the latch going, then you can try bottles.

6. I can't exactly explain what a proper latch feels like. It won't hurt, that's for sure. It sort of feels like a gentle tug on the veins in your boobs, not like that sleazy guy you met at that party when you were 16.

7. Relax. Kick everyone out of the room if you have to. Don't fuss with nursing covers and nursing bras at first, just wear a robe and tell people to look/go away. You don't want to worry about messing with the cover or those tricky nursing bras (seriously, I never managed to close one of those things one handed like you're supposed to be able to do) until you feeling comfortable actually doing it.

8. Drink a glass of wine. I've actually heard this from 3 different doctors. It really helps with the relaxing and I think it may have helped me regulate my hormones. But stick to just one glass. Presuming you've been a good girl during your pregnancy, this will be enough to get you buzzed anyway.

9. After a month or two, you will be able to breastfeed anywhere. And, you won't have to worry about bringing bottles, formula and water with you everywhere you go. Here I am, breastfeeding Lovebug on a glacier in Alaska:

10. Your baby is probably going to be skinnier than other babies. Breastfed babies tend to be skinnier than formula fed babies and not all pediatricians use the growth charts for breastfed babies So don't freak out and don't let your pediatrician freak your out.

11. Oh yeah, buy a breastfeeding book. I think I had The Complete Book of Breastfeeding, 4th edition: The Classic Guide and I found it helpful. Although, the truth is that Hot Guy is the one who remembered to bring it to the hospital when I had Ironflower and he's the one who used its wisdom to help her learn to latch.

12. If you and/or your partner are all worried about breastfeeding interfering with your sex life, get over it. Your sex life is getting wrecked by the hormones and the newborn and the lack of sleep and full boobs aren't going to make much difference.

13. Remember that I'm not a nurse, doctor, midwife or doula. Although I totally think I could be a lactation consultant. But, uh, I'm not one, technically. So take this advice with a grain of salt.

14. Welcome to the world, baby Colin! And thank your mommy for suggesting this post.

Congratulations!

Almost two weeks ago, my friend Tammy gave birth to a baby boy. One of my favorite things about Tammy is that she reads my blog, unlike a number of my other real life friends. *stifles a sob and sniffs pitifully.* Anyway, I've been trying to think of what I could do for her other than send more baby clothes and good thoughts, since I'm 1200 miles away and can't bring potato chips. So here is a post for Tammy, as well as any other new mothers out there.

Some Thoughts

1. You are a FABULOUS mother.
2. Sometimes even fabulous mothers get frustrated and/or ticked off.
3. It's okay to let the baby cry for a few minutes. Especially if this is one of those frustrated moments.
4. Trust your instincts.
5. If you don't have any instincts, that's okay too. Call someone or go to Kellymom.com or Mayasmom.com.
6. Smile and nod at all advice you are given, then trust your instincts.
7. Take all advice with a grain of salt.
8.. Everyone judges mothers. Other mothers most of all. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself and/or your baby to other people.
9. A dirty house will not hurt the baby.
10. You are a FABULOUS mother.

Some Advice (pass the salt)

1. When the baby wakes up, wait a few minutes before picking him up. It's good training for sleeping on his own later on.
2. They say it's bad, but I think falling asleep on the couch with my babies - no matter what time of day it was - saved my sanity. And the babies loved it.
3. You do not need to supplement your milk with formula, breastfed babies are just skinnier. And they eat all the time because they like to nurse, not because you're not making enough milk. That said, if you want to introduce formula, that's your business - just don't let anyone bully you into it.
4. You can have a glass of wine now. And you should.
5. Find people with babies the same age as yours.
6. Go ahead and breastfeed in public. Be proud.
7. Tinted moisturizer is your friend.
8. The only way to make your libido come back is to spend some . . .um. . quality time on your own. But don't worry about that for another few months.
9. Babies don't actually need to eat baby food. After six months old, mushy table food has more nutritional impact and is cheaper (I was told that one by a pediatric dietitian)
10. No one has it all together, not even that celebrity mommy with four nannies and a personal trainer. Well, okay, besides her.

Congratulations on starting the most amazing and challenging ride of your life.

On Motherhood

I love being a mother. I love my children more than I thought it was possible to love anything. Every day I get to see them and talk to them and hug them is a day that I am very lucky. When Ironflower says, "I love you, Mommy" or Lovebug gives me a hug I am filled with a happiness that I only thought possible with the benefit of prescription painkillers.

But when I hear a mother say something like, "Every moment is a joy," I want to smack her. Not only does that statement indicate that the doctor did a lobotomy during her c-section, it's a nasty thing to say around pre-mothers. You hear enough statements like that and you feel like there's something wrong with you when, as a new mother, you wind up crying at 3 am along with the inconsolable baby.

Every moment is worth it. Every moment means you are lucky. But some moments still suck. My children are real, fallible little human beings, not perfect little dolls dropped from heaven, and when they throw up on me I don't feel joy. (In fact, no children are actually dropped in from heaven, they all make mistakes and have flaws and it's better to accept it now then when the school is calling about your child's bratty, bullying behavior for the second time that day) I suspect that no mother actually feels joy when her child is sick because even if s/he is not actually throwing up on you, the kid is SICK. There's no joy when something is wrong and you can't fix it, let me tell you.

So, new and future mommies, take heart: not every moment will be a joy. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, or on prescription painkillers. No child is perfect, except in that s/he is a perfectly flawed, complex little creature. Sometimes you will wish you believed in spanking. Sometimes you will wish you could just have quiet for one minute. Sometimes you will imagine torturing The Wonder Pets. But that's all NORMAL.

And stay away from the competitive Stepford Mommies. As they expound on their joy in reading Hop on Pop for the ten thousandth time after they pick little Aidan after his French class where the teacher says he has such an affinity for languages never before seen in a two year old, know this: Aidan will be in reform school before his eighteenth birthday.

I Am Never Doing That Again!

It would take way too much time to explain why I've been thinking about dating, seeing as I haven't done it in quite a while. Suffice to say, I've been thinking about it and I thought I'd write some advice down for my daughter (and the person who inspired my thoughts) before I forget what it took ten years to learn. It's mostly geared towards straight women, but I'm sure with a few pronoun adjustments it could help anyone.

First off, dating needs to be its own reward. Ideally dating is a process of learning about yourself and what you want out of life, not the answer to all of your problems. In fact, if you cannot be content by yourself then having a happy, healthy relationship will be a very difficult challenge for you.

Secondly, being in a relationship does not make you cooler, smarter, hipper, better or thinner than anyone else. Nor does it mean you will have more fun at weddings and parties.

Knowing those fundamental truths preps you for MY rules:


1. Don't play hard to get, be hard to get. That means have a life of your own that you won't drop just because HE called.

2. There's no lying in dating. Conniving, exaggerating, lying and manipulating might snag someone for a little while, but unless you are going to your high school reunion or the wedding of an arch-rival, why bother? It's not going last and you're going to feel insecure and sleazy the whole time anyway.

3. Not every guy is going to be "The One", or even the one you want to bring to the office Christmas party. It doesn't mean that he can't have a place in your life as a friend or whatever. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, you know?

4. Real life is the best way to meet people. I tried online dating and speed dating, once upon a time. I made some friends that way, so I would never put them down. But I think expanding your own social network, participating in hobbies and just being open-minded brings more romantic success than match.com does.

5. Trust your gut. If someone gives you the heebie jeebies, even if everything seems great, run. Figuratively or literally. Your well-being is more important than anyone else's feelings.

And that's it. It is that easy, especially after you realize that being alone is just as good as being a part of a couple.