The 5 Worst Things About Perimenopause So Far

As I've said before, I'm in the throes of perimenopause.  Still.

And I've been told that it will get worse before it gets better. I'm not sure which symptom I fear getting worse the most.

1. Sometimes, it's the sweaty hot flashes.

2. Other times, it's the insomnia.

3. But you can't forget the rage. I mean, you really, really, can't. Especially with the orange one in office. 

4. Unless you catch me when I'm sobbing uncontrollably over a commercial. 

5. And yet, that dark (red) horse that still shows up every month is also disturbing. I'm anemic now, no joke. 

Of course, I hear that urinary incontinence and migraines can also crop up in perimenopause so. . . I've probably just jinxed myself. 

Thoughts Only Parents Have

Before I had kids, I had the usual long list of things I would never do as a parent. I think my oldest was 7 months old when I did the first one and it's all been kinda downhill from there. But in addition to all the things I've done as a parent that I thought I'd never do (going to school drop off in my pajamas comes to mind), there are the thoughts I've had. Thoughts that I never thought would pop into my head in a million years.

• Well, at least my kid didn't spit on anyone today.
• I'm pretty sure everyone who works at Nick Jr. is high. 
• Where are Max and Ruby's parents and why am I jealous that their kids can be left alone for days on end?
• Small Lego pieces by all the windows would have been great security when I lived in that crappy apartment in college.
• Is it harder to listen to second graders play the violin or to watch them play baseball?
• I wish I could have parented back in the days when it was okay to teach your five year old how to mix a cocktail. 
• I love it when most of the kid's vomit makes it into the trash can.
• I can't wait until the kids go to bed and I can "sort" their Halloween candy. 
• Nobody is paying their nanny enough. 
• I think taking away TV time is a bigger punishment for me than it is for my kid. 
• If ketchup counts as a vegetable, then I didn't lie to the pediatrician when I told her that my kids eat vegetables every day. 
• Why couldn't there have been only "9 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?"
• If your kid wasn't being such a jerk, my kid wouldn't have hit him. 

What thoughts have you had as a parent that you never would have expected? 

Unpopular Opinions

1. I don't believe in "garden decor". It's a garden. If you need decor, go back in your house.
2. If any more young pop stars must be sacrificed to the fame gods, I nominate Justin Bieber. 
3. You shouldn't start a blog just to get free stuff.  
4. Uggs and shorts are a stupid combination. 
5. Only children and gardeners should wear Crocs. 
6. You should not name your child after a car, liquor or gun brand. 
7. Not every word that ends with "s" needs an apostrophe. 
8. Sometimes reading the Twitter comments is better than watching the actual show.
9. CandyLand is the most boring game ever invented. 
10. Robocalling should be outlawed and its perpetrators prosecuted. 
11. Freesia smell better than roses. 
12. Cheerleading is definitely a sport.
13. Courtney Love has wasted just as much talent as Kurt Cobain did. 
14. White wine is better than red wine, but champagne is the best of all.
15. Dandelions should be left alone. 

What do you guys think? Agree? Disagree? What are your unpopular opinions? 

Friday I'm in Love: Stuff That Makes Me Laugh

• If this list is wrong, then I don't want to be right: 23 Black People Not Amused By White People.

• Hands down the best collection of family photos ever. 

• The Evil Slut Clique have an ongoing analysis of 50 Shades of Grey that I totally love. I have a totally girl crush on the Evil Slut Clique, by the way. 

• Another series of snarky awesomeness is Jezebel's weekly tabloid analysis. Actually, most of the articles on Jezebel are full of snarky awesomeness, but this is my favorite type. 

• The Twitter meme #AddaWordRuinaMovie. Reading and adding to that thread entertained Hot Guy and me for hours the other night.  (I came up with Nine and a Half Weeks Pregnant and Dazed and Confused Kardashians, but Hot Guy's Lord of the Cock Rings got retweeted the most.) 

• Books by women that I daydream about being friends with the way other women daydream about having sex with Channing Tatum (not that I'd turn down having sex with Channing Tatum, of course): Tina Fey , Mindy Kaling , Laurie Notaro , Jen Lancaster , Rachel Dratch , Kathy Griffin and Jenny Lawson. 

• New Jersey is the best. 

• Not funny, but I discovered this and I had to share: 25 Amazing Lego Sculptures

What makes you guys laugh? What do you look at if you need a shot of humor? 

It's NOT Your Party

Yesterday Lovebug told me a joke. He and Ironflower tell a lot of jokes, most of which are humorous to them only. But I laugh anyway. I think it's in the job description. Anyway, Lovebug told me this gem: "Mary had a little lamb." I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to continue with the nursery rhyme or some version thereof. He continued, "It's dead".

Now, my first thought was that it was mildly funny. Then I thought, why is my three year old making jokes about dead animals? I quickly blamed his too frequent viewings of Family Guy, which he loves to watch with Hot Guy. I asked about that and I was shot down. Apparently Lovebug learned the joke from the children's magician he saw at the library. Hot Guy told me that he also made jokes about his little volunteers kissing each other.

And he's not the only one. I've seen children's singers doing the same kinds of jokes. And don't get me started on the clowns, one of whom talked about dirty balloon animals, much to Ironflower's chagrin. "But how will he get them dirty, Mommy? Are we going outside?"

I'm one of the last people (polyamorous pagans would undoubtedly be behind me, for example) anyone would describe as conservative, but I'm starting to have some conservative thoughts. Even though I let my children watch Family Guy, I don't like it when children's entertainers get all wink, wink, nudge, nudge, let's make the adults laugh.

Call me crazy, but I think there's something creepy about a man in a weird outfit making kissing jokes while surrounded by small children. Or dead animal jokes. Or saying anything that I think is funny, because I have a sick sense of humor and children's entertainment should not.

Don't they realize that by virtue of their "children's entertainer" job description that it's not about the adults? If it was, all the children would be with a babysitter and Chris Rock would be performing. And kids don't need dead animal jokes or kissing jokes, they can laugh hysterically by just saying the word "strawberry" to each other a few times. Totally different kind of audience.

How do you feel about children's entertainers?