Shalom, Bitches!*

On Friday I had lunch with 2 amazing women that I've known for 25 years.

Twenty-fucking-five years.

Out of respect for their privacy, I will just say that I'm relatively sure we are all in this picture somewhere. But you should really just admire all the awesome '80's Jersey hair. Also, I had forgotten how popular jean jackets were. No wonder I still have one.

I've really missed conversations that included questions like, "Did you ever kiss that guy?" and "How much work do you think she's had done?" Plus, I was introduced to Moroccanoil, which defrizzes my hair and Ironflower's better than any other product I've found. It was a completely awesome afternoon. 

I really miss having girlfriends around. It's not that I haven't met cool women since moving back here. Hell, they've even suggested great blog topics. But when you're meeting each other as parents, especially in a place that's so competitive and child-obsessed, it's hard to let down your guard. And between Hot Guy's work schedule and all the crap I have to do, it's hard to even make time to socialize with new people enough to decide whether they'd appreciate my semi-famous olive oil story. **

Most of the time, it feels like my girlfriends are on the internet. Be they real life people that I keep in touch with on Facebook and/or who read the blog OR favorite bloggers (see sidebar) OR the hilarious women of THE BAND***, I don't exactly get to hang out with them every week. So Friday was kinda special for me. Also, while all girlfriends are great, girlfriends who have been there for more than half your life are pretty freaking priceless. Especially if they laugh when you say, "Shalom, bitches!" 

Thanks, ladies. 

*Title stolen from Caroline Pollock, who stole it from Jen Lancaster. 

**I haven't yet decided whether I will post it on my blog. It doesn't really fit the general theme and tone. And I'm not sure my Dad needs to read it. 

***Band Back Together may not exactly be a humor site, but the emails exchanged about it include creations like the Ass Muppet. 

I'm Going To Print It and Bring It With Me

Dear Older Woman at the grocery store,

I'm not sure how old you are, what with all that make-up you had spackled on. Possibly you are in your late 50s, in which case this letter is sincere. Possibly you are 90, in which case skip the letter and enjoy your vitality.

Anyway, you're older than I am. Which means that I should respect you. Though I think being a wounded mother of three with 45 minutes to shop means that you could have shown me some consideration. Instead you foiled me at every turn.

You blocked not one, not two, but THREE aisles I needed to go down. Did you know that it's possible to stand TO THE SIDE to contemplate your purchases and not, as you did, in the middle of every aisle?

You stood in front of the juice for more two minutes. Did you know that it's possible to move when people say, "Excuse me"?

You neglected to put down the divider bar between your groceries and mine. And you waited until I was at the end bagging my groceries, with your cart blocking my reach, to come into my checkout line. So I couldn't put the divider bar up myself. Did you know it stressed the checker out when she had to lift up several items and ask me if they were mine?

In short, you were extremely inconsiderate. And did not appear disabled enough to excuse this. And since I didn't want to be "that screaming lady" at the grocery store (at least, not again), I didn't say anything to you at the time. I decided a letter with an explanation would be more polite than just saying:


"Oh my God, what a rude bitch you are!"

Sincerely,
Jerseygirl