Once Bitten, Twice is Child Abuse

This is Hugmonkey.

I realize I may be biased after gestating him and all, but he's pretty damn cute, isn't he? And he's very sociable and articulate, except when he's screaming. Or when he bites. 

Yeah, I'm the parent of a biter. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how you manage having 3 kids in 4 years while volunteering at the schools and taking them on outings by yourself because your husband works a lot and trying to write and cleaning the house enough so it doesn't become an episode of Hoarders. You let one of your kids become super aggressive.  

I know a lot of kids go through a biting phase after their first birthday. But Hugmonkey STARTED biting at 18 months and he hasn't really quit since. He's bitten his siblings. He's bitten other kids at the gym's tot drop. He's bitten me. He's attempted to bite his father. We've tried time outs. We've tried loss of privileges. We've tried yelling*. And still he bit.

So I bit him.

Last week he bit Ironflower so hard that she sobbed. He broke the top layer of skin and left a bruise. I put him in time out. Ironflower sobbed in my arms. He tried to escape time out. I tried to get him to understand why Ironflower was crying. He attempted to bite me, intent on escape.

So I bit him first.

NOT hard. I did not leave a mark and it only lasted a second. There was a brief pause as he looked me in the eye, then he proceeded to scream, "Mama bite me!" And he cried. I hugged him and then we discussed why biting was bad. He told Ironflower he was sorry. We all hugged.

I felt guilty, especially throughout the day as one kid or another would remark upon the fact that I'd bitten Hugmonkey. I tried to use each occasion as a teachable moment, but I'm afraid somewhere along the line Hugmonkey may have learned that kids who bite usually get bitten back. Though not usually by their mothers.

It's been a week and Hugmonkey, despite the stress of potty training, has not bitten anyone. He has told just about everyone, "Mama bite me!" though. So far I have not been reported to CPS.

Not because I was so ticked off. Not because I believe in biting children. But because I didn't know what else to do. All the talking and time outs and tears from others did not help Hugmonkey understand why it was wrong and how he was hurting others. I certainly didn't bite him hard, but he cried anyway. After he got over the shock of "Mama bite me!", we talked about consequences. I explained what he felt when I bit him was not as painful as what other felt when he bit them. He looked a bit dubious. 

So I told him that I'd bite him every time he bit someone. This he understood immediately. 

*Not as a parenting tactic. I've yelled because being bitten HURTS, dude. Seriously. 

Bitten . . .in the Ass.

And not in the hot vampire way.

A child was bitten in Lovebug's class last week (on my birthday, no less).

By Lovebug.

His teacher - who repeatedly pointed out that she'd had him for 2 years and he'd never done anything like this - handled it so amazingly well. Except, well, she talked to the bitten kid's mom and me at the same time.

I apologized, of course. I explained that ChunkyMonkey has recently started biting and that's what had probably inspired Lovebug to bite another kid hard enough to leave a mark. But there is nothing like trying to apologize for your kid's vampire tendencies to make you feel mortified. Especially when your kid is well over 4.

The bitten kid was relatively unfazed, thank God. Possibly he felt guilty for blocking Lovebug from the play house so much that Lovebug flipped out. Possibly he's just a mellow kid and didn't realize how easy it is to drive Lovebug over the edge. I'm just glad he doesn't seem to emotionally damaged too.

Anyway, the teachers talked to Lovebug, the school director talked to him, I talked to him and his father talked to him. We've reviewed things he can do when he's angry and when some kid won't let him in the play house.

Sometimes I am afraid that there is something wrong, because there are so many times when Lovebug over-reacts to normal occurrences. Then I think about how he doesn't sleep and wonder if he is just over-tired all of the time. And I try to remember that he is only 4 and until Friday, the entire school staff thought he was an angel.

Then I remember my reaction when Ironflower's classmate bit her a few weeks ago. Sure, I said all the right things to Ironflower but what I was thinking was, "What's a 5 year old doing biting? Her parents really need to discipline her more." And I realize that payback is a total pain in the ass.

The kid is in Lovebug's group this week too. His mother often gives me pitying looks at pick-up, but so far there have been no problems. Is it wrong that I wish Lovebug had bitten a boy he'd never see again? Or at least a kid whose mom I was friends with?

Has your kid ever bitten anyone? Or been bitten?