Happy Birthday, Mom!

Most years on her birthday, I list the reasons why my mom is cooler than your mom. While this is still true,

And you'll never convince me otherwise, so don't try. 

this year I'm going to tell you a story.

When I was about 7 or 8, my mom and flew to meet my dad somewhere. We had gotten upgraded to first class and I remember the glares of the businessmen (for it was all men) as we settled in. I remember being offended that these businessmen seemed to think I was going to act like a screaming baby, so I decided to show them how mature I was.

Instead of removing my Barbies from my tote bag, I decided to have a quiet conversation with my mother.

Anyone who has talked to me after a glass of wine should be able to imagine my 7 year old version of "quiet". 

There'd been something I'd been meaning to ask her anyway, because my mom answered - or tried to find the answer to - everything I asked her. In the days before the internet, this took a lot of effort.

I don't think it made me the intellectual giant she was exactly hoping for, but I am fabulous at Trivial Pursuit. 

In some commercial or magazine ad or comment in a book I was probably too young to be reading, I'd read the word "douche". I had no idea what one was and I couldn't let that stand. So, surrounded by scowling businessmen on a crowded plane, I began our conversation with,

"Mom, what's a douche?"

To my mom's immense credit, she answered me. . .albeit much more quietly than I think I'd ever heard her speak. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I do know she got to the gist very, very quickly. And then I think she gave me a new book that she'd probably been saving for when I was bored and whiny later on in the flight.

And I was more than happy to read that book, because learning about douches was not as much fun as when she'd explained what suffragettes were.

They Don't Need A Freak Show Anymore

You know what is supremely wonderful about the circus? The other people are just as fantastic as the acts. Especially when you go to the circus in Newark, NJ.

I mean, it was Ringling Brothers, so of course the circus itself was fabulous. Except for the tigers and the elephants. I just feel like they're looking at us, trying to say, "I am a majestic beast, dammit! Of course I can roll over, motherfucker." For some reason I don't get the same impression from the llamas and miniature ponies. Anyway, there was much jumping and flipping by amazing athletes, 6 motorcyclists in the globe cage (I remember when there were only 2 - and that was super cool) and clowns that didn't freak me out too much.

But I can't say the same about the people watching the circus. They freaked me out A LOT. For example, after standing in line to enter the arena for a good 10 minutes, where they repeatedly stated "Have your tickets out!" over the loudspeaker, some people still could not grasp this. As soon as they got to the front of the line, they opened their bags and SEARCHED for their tickets. I don't know if they were all extremely stupid or extremely thoughtless, but the result was the same - more standing in line for the rest of us.

Speaking of stupidity, shouldn't seat 1 be at the start of a section? Like let's say you're sitting in section 3 and you are in seat 1 in row whatever, wouldn't you expect seat 1 to come first? Like if you walked from section 2, wouldn't you expect section 3's seating to start with 1? It doesn't. Unless you go backwards from section 4. And boy, did the ghetto fabulous usher who grabbed my tickets tell me how dumb I was for assuming seat 1 in section 3 would be closer to section 2. Not that I actually wanted her help, because I can read numbers. And not that she really helped, she just yelled that I should have come in the other way. Considering that there were about 20 people in the entire section at that point, I think her bitchiness was unjustified. Which is why I snapped, "I know EXACTLY where I'm going" and gave her a totally snooty look.

I also gave a snooty look to the guy 3 rows in front of us with his electronic cigarette. Not that I have a problem with cigarettes that don't harm others, but who really can't make it through the circus without a cigarette? Do you think he also brings it into the shower? He also sported hair gel and tight black jeans - stuff that was cool when we were both young. That might have prejudiced me against him. The clincher was when he rolled he sleeve up and had his wife apply cream to his new tattoo. I have nothing against tattoos per se; I have two of my own. And it's because I have tattoos of my own that I can say no one needs to apply cream that often. What a douche.

And speaking of douches, a special Jerseygirl shout out goes to the asshole who thought it was funny when his kid smacked the lady in front of him with his sword. I was embarrassed when my kid smacked the ladies in front of him with his sword, thank you very much.

And on a sadder note, both of my children want to be clowns. They were entranced the whole time, but clearly I've screwed them up so much already that they want to be clowns.