Who Says the Art of Writing Letters is Dead?

Dear charity-seeking neighbor,

We have never met. In fact, I don't even have a nodding acquaintance with anyone in your section of the cul-de-sac. And yet you sent me this request for a donation to your favorite cause. I am not sure why this bothers me more than if your group had sent me a direct donation request, but it does. Am I suppose to think, "Gee, I'll give my charity dollars to THIS charity because the lady down the street supports it,"? Here's the thing; I don't know you. You could be a Tea Party member. Or a Klan member (same difference?). Living on my street doesn't tell me anything about your personality. As for your charity, I have only vaguely heard of it and your donation request offered no information. So, no, I won't be sending them any money. Ever.

Sincerely,

The loud woman from down the street

Dear leaf-blower addicts,

You are not making the world a better place. You are a leading contributor of noise and air pollution. You are wasting precious gas. And by tonight, all that crap you blew off the sidewalk will be right back where it started. Special note to the landscapers of my neighborhood: STOP using the LEAF-BLOWER around my patio, you are actually blowing dirt onto it. Also, stop moving my chairs.

Seriously,

The messy lady on the end

Dear old people who coo at my son

Thank you for smiling instead of wincing when he starts screaming. Thank you for engaging him when I run out of energy. I bet none of you own leaf-blowers. In short, I love you.

Thanks,

The tired lady with the screaming toddler

Dear Ben & Jerry's,

Stop putting crack in your ice cream. I know it's in there, because ever since I had "Chocolate Therapy" the other night, I can't stop craving it. Just once and I am totally hooked. . .just like all those people on Intervention and Addiction. My husband swears that you are good guys and would never do something so dangerous. He says it's MY problem. So could you please announce that you're taking the crack out? Then I can prove that I'm right and stop the cravings.

Thanks,

The lady who is running out of elastic-waist pants

Dear NBC,

First you wouldn't spend the money to advertise how awesome Friday Night Lights is. Then you put Jay Leno on all the time, when Jay is just not that funny to people under 70. Then you screw Conan O'Brien, who is not only funny but classier than you'll ever be. If you fuck with Mercy, 30 Rock or Community, you're dead to me.

Sincerely,

The lady who watches way too much TV

No, Ms. Martinez is NOT Available

Dear Zola Martinez,

We have never met. Or spoken. Or read each other's blogs. Hell, I don't even know if you have a blog. I'll guess not, because most bloggers I know have more sense than you do. You have made the mistake of giving out my cell phone number to countless online universities.

Possibly you are too stupid to remember your own phone number and you have given mine as a purely innocent mistake. Er, mistakes, since I've already gotten ten phone calls in the last twenty-four hours. To make the same mistake ten times in a row makes me wonder if you are not quite ready for a university education.

Possibly you made up a number when filling out the online university forms, not wanting to admit you didn't have one or maybe fearing giving out your number on the internet. Didn't it occur to you that you were giving out SOMEONE'S number? And that if the admissions offices used that number they would wind up talking to an irate person that was not you? I'm not sure that's the impression you want to give the people who will soon be reviewing your application.

Possibly you are someone I know, someone looking for a way to aggravate me. You have succeeded, but who the hell are you? It's a fairly new number that I only just gave out to people I like. Surely Wendy Lapham and those girls in the band have gotten over their high school hostility by now? And if they haven't, who would have sold me out to them? I only talk to about four people from high school. I don't keep in touch with anyone from college, though I was much nicer then. Unless my ex-husband has somehow tracked me down AND found out that I told people that he liked to wear my underwear under his jeans. I can't think of anyone I've pissed off - except my children and Hot Guy - for months. So the revenge motive doesn't seem a very plausible explanation for the calls I've received.

So I'd appreciate an explanation, Zola, if that's really your name. Are you a complete idiot, a thoughtless schmuck or some kind of psychobitch?

Thanks for your time,

Jerseygirl

What do you guys think is going on? And what should I do about it?

Should I Mail This?

Dear cell-phone provider,

It has come to my attention that you really suck. If you feel that this assessment is in error, please address the following questions:

1 . If you can take my credit card information to pay bills over the phone, why can't you take other information over the phone? Why did I have to go to your store to change my address? Because as far as security reasons go, I'd much rather random strangers had my address than my credit card number.

2. How come when you text me my billing information it always comes through but other people's texts can be delayed for days?

3. Why are there certain completely random places where your phones don't work, but other companies' phones do?

4. Why did you change the definition of anytime minutes after I signed up for your plan?

Please remit your answers in the accompanying envelope. If you do not take care of these issues by March 8th, we will have no alternative but to terminate your contract and find a nicer provider.

Sincerely,

Jerseygirl89