Hey, Boob Hunters!

Do you ever look at the search terms people use to get to your blog?

The first time I did, I wrote a terrible short story incorporating all the terms. Today it's much easier to see what search terms people use, but it hasn't made me less horrified. In fact, recently I've become more horrified.

Everybody seems to be searching for "triple z boobs". Like, if I wanted to do the short story thing again? I'd just have to type that phrase about 87 times. You see, since I became Triplezmom (instead of Jerseygirl89, which, admittedly, was quite lame but I picked it in 2007 when I'd been blogging for about 3 minutes and lived in Kansas), something has happened. Or rather, someone.

There is a woman out there who actually has natural triple z boobs.

(I will wait while you Google this. I will not post an image.)

And because I once wrote a post about breastfeeding in public with the clever title, "Wanna See My Boobs?" (not linking because that lame post gets enough traffic, plus it's about a 4 year old issue and the picture doesn't work anymore), lots of people who Google "boobs" and "triple Z" wind up here. On my mommy blog. Where even old breastfeeding shots don't show boobs.

Okay, post-breastfeeding. The picture of me actually breastfeeding on a glacier in Alaska

is on some CD I can't locate. 

It's not a surprise that they don't stick around.

And while I have nothing against looking at pictures of  nearly naked people on the internet, it's not what this blog is about. Obviously. So it's a little frustrating that the only people randomly visiting are those curious about the world's biggest boobs. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Except when it's on my blog.

This post probably isn't going to help. But my knowledge of SEO is limited to repeating the same phrase in the crappy articles I write for other websites. And I don't even come up with those phrases. So I'm at a loss on how to fix this. I get that as long as I call myself "triplezmom", I'm going to get the boob hunters. But honestly? I'd rather I had a few hits for "boob hunters" or "Hugmonkey bites" along with all the people who want to see the world's biggest breasts. Is that too much to ask?

Do you have any suggestions? Or similar problems on your blog?

Search Term Fun, Part Deux

A long time ago*, I wrote a really bad short story using all the search terms people used to get to my blog. Apparently I used to be way more creative. Since there's a whole new crop of crazy out there, and the search terms are even more weird, I thought a new story was in order. Again, all spelling mistakes and grammatical misfires are part of the original search terms.

Boobs

"Megen Macdonald Fox 212", the card read. He looked at the smiling woman in front of him. She did not have 42 triple z +boobs, she didn't even have boobs that scare people. But she was kinda hot. He smiled back at her and put the card in his pocket. He would never call someone who worked at Fox News, but there was no reason to let her know that. That was one of the few dating insights he'd taken to heart at that seminar in California.

He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "You'd be so much hotter if you worked at ESPN." The truth was, she'd be hotter if she had triple z boobs, but she looked a little too secure to go for that kind of insult. He grinned at her, letting the insult/flirt combo he'd learned at the seminar work its magic. . .

Suddenly there was a cry from the stroller. Dating with a 2 year old had its challenges, that was for sure. That was why he'd just started going for sex only, though with 2 exes pregnant in clogs he'd had to be a lot better about protection recently. He popped a pacifier in the kid's mouth, patted her on the head and grinned expectantly at the heppy hot mom in front of him.

"You should know that I got fired from preschool because all the other children were afraid of me. I had to have tutors until college. My ex forced me to have a kid, and now he's dead. My son is so busy being a 2 year old not wanting his mom that he now lives with Triplezmom. Now I, Megen MacDonald, work for Fox because bias means ratings. I love dental dam and I wouldn't sleep with you if you paid me. I gave you the card because I need a new personal assistant and I heard you had a blog on crime," she said forcefully.

He felt verbally assaulted and slightly turned on. He wondered if she'd want that dental dam plastic wrap he'd bought by mistake. "I even know about the blogher kis our sass 3m conspiracy," he said in a confidential tone. Soon he'd owe 3 women child support, he needed all the jobs he could get. "I'll call you on Monday. I would love to be your personal assistant." And see your boobs, he thought to himself.

"Stop thinking about my boobs, asshole, " she said before she stalked off.

*Two years in blog years is like 20 real years, right?