Throwback Thursday: Poor Lindsay Lohan

I wrote this in June, 2007. Nearly 5 years later, not much has changed in Lindsay's life. Except she works a lot less. Maybe this latest trip to rehab will help.  I don't feel as sorry for as I used to, what with all the things she's stolen and worse behaviors. I still think her problem goes way beyond alcohol, though. 

Shameless, Drunken Hussy

I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. I realize that she's young, rich, pretty and talented and that there are plenty of people in the world who deserve my sympathy than she does. But I have enough to go around and I think Lindsay needs it too.

She's back in rehab now, and I hope that helps. But to tell you the truth, I'm not sure if alcohol is really her problem. When I was 21 I went out six nights a week (ahh, how I miss college). No one thought I was weird or wild - I still went to class, volunteered with my theater group and baby-sat. But I also used my newfound independence to dress in a more revealing way, to see how many shots I could do in one sitting (11) and to try to figure out who the heck I really was. I am SO glad no one caught it on video.

I'm also glad that the tabloids missed the chance to use the headline, "Elementary School Teachers Perform 'Baby Got Back' While Standing on Local Bar". And no one ever reported, "Teacher Steps on Broken Glass, Keeps Dancing - Gets Seven Stitches and Antibiotics At ER Next Day". There were no flashbulbs popping the time an intoxicated gentleman I was dancing with dipped me - and dropped me, (Stockbroker Dumps Teacher in Public?) either. For which I am grateful.

If I had been a starlet, the tabloids would have LOVED me. But fortunately I am not famous and when I do something stupid I have only my friends and acquaintances to laugh at me. Except for when the stockbroker dropped me - my partner in crime at the time was outside kissing the stockbroker's friend. It was actually worse having no friends to laugh with me. Lindsay is just a kid with lousy parents, a big bank account and probably no one who actually laughs with her. I can only hope all those reporters and pundits making a living off of her have never tried drugs, caused a car accident, passed out from alcohol or partied a lot. Otherwise their hypocrisy would nauseate me.

Wordless Wednesday: Monkey Bars

Lovebug has been trying to make it all the way across the monkey bars for the last year. Ever since Ironflower began to do it with ease. Last week he got really close, but this week he finally did it.  

Turning Forty-Two Tuesday: Holy Crap

Sometime in the next few days, it will be the twentieth anniversary of my graduation from college. Actually, it may have already happened. I know it was in May, 1993, though. Which, holy fucking crap, was twenty years ago.

I have been an (alleged) adult for TWENTY YEARS.

You'd think I would have gotten better at it by now.

To be fair, I am much less insane than I was twenty years ago. Also, less blond. And far less skinny. But in general, I prefer being 42 to being 22, unless I'm looking in a mirror.

A fancy dinner with Dad, Grandma and Mom

Yeah, I wore hiking boots and a flannel under my gown. It was 1993, okay? 

Notice how I have cunningly left my then fiancee, now ex-husband out of these photos? Fortunately my parents insisted on some pictures where he was not plastered to my side. Thank God. 

Which leads me to the advice section of this post. Take heed of my wisdom, new graduates and other youngish people. . .because I don't have a lot of it and what I do have is very precious to me.

1. When you are taking pictures at a life event, focus on taking pictures with your family - especially your grandparents. I do know some couples who have been (happily) together since college and even high school, but I know a lot more people who cringe when you bring up the "love" of their 22 year old selves. Play it safe. 

2. Hiking boots should only be worn when hiking and never as a fashion statement. 

3. Listen to music that actually makes you happy, not what is hipster and cool, unless you really like what is hipster and cool.

4. Tattoos are forever. Be sober for them. 

5. Piercing any part of the ear that is not the lobe never, ever heals. 

6. You've only a year or two left before sleeping on a futon becomes uncomfortable. Start saving for an actual bed now. And buy a good one. 

7. Contrary to (some) popular belief and any '80's movies you may have seen, you do not have to have your life figured out now. In fact, just when you think you do have it figured it out, something will change. You are never going to feel all grown up. But you will feel much more sure of yourself.

8. If you are too shy to buy condoms at your local drug store and to ask your doctor for  birth control, you are not ready to be having so much sex. 

9. Don't go to graduate school right away. You need to excel at graduate school and you'll be a lot more motivated if you've worked at a crappy job for a while. 

10. Travel. By yourself. I don't care if it's just a five hour road trip to visit your best friend from high school, just go. 

The Dumbest Short Story Ever Told

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned 
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike 
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

I saw this on Facebook recently. I did not say anything to the person who posted it, because I don't want to be the bitch who trolls other people's walls. And the tolerant, open-minded part of me thinks it's great that we can state our beliefs on Facebook in short story form.

But.

According to this post, NO ONE should talk about anything unless they can explain why the poop of various mammals looks different. Can the average priest/minister/rabbi/imam/otherreligiousleader explain that? Really? And what in the hell does one have to do with the other? I mean, does understanding  the bowels of animals have anything to do with the Bible? (Note to my vehemently atheist readers: don't answer that).

Aside from the animal poop, the story is still ridiculous. Atheists don't go around striking up conversations with people about their beliefs; it's Mormons and Evangelicals and Scientologists who recruit, not atheists. Most atheists don't even admit they're atheists because of how horrified their social/family/professional circles would be if they did. Also, how many little girls travel alone on airplanes any more? And how many non-creepy men would start a conversation with one?

This post isn't celebrating a belief in God or religion, it's attacking atheists. "Flights go quicker. . .blah, blah," what a pompous dick this atheist is, amirite?  It's skipped to that point in an argument where you just yell, "Well, you don't know shit!" because you can't think of another coherent point or because you just want the damn argument to be over. I guess what bothers me even more than the attack on atheists (who, btw, haven't  started any wars outlawing church or done anything to anybody except disagree) is how clever the writer thought (s)he was being.

 If the writer was truly clever, the premise would have made sense and the little girl would have had some proof of God, heaven, hell or at least a way to shut the stranger up without resorting to "logic" that undermines anyone who doesn't have a degree in large mammal medicine. Or the whole point about the differences in animal shit would be a metaphor for the different ways people interpret God and faith. But instead of making actual points, the story ends with a silenced atheist.

And are we really supposed to believe that this pompous atheist, who initiated such a loaded conversation with a CHILD, would shut up because she implied that he doesn't know shit? Think of any pompous asshole you know of any religious persuasion and ask yourself if the little girl's retort would shut him/her up.

I swear, this Facebook share makes the "Click like if you love Jesus" one look like a nuanced theological discourse.