Weighty Wednesday: Yes, I'm Trying to Avoid You

I took some personality quiz a while back that was supposed to determine if you were an introvert or an extrovert (I would link to it, but since I just wasted 25 minutes on Facebook and couldn't find it, you'll just have to trust me). Apparently now there's something between the two, called an ambivert, which is what I supposedly am.

Unless you try to talk to me while I'm at the gym.

I'll be honest with you, here on the internet, in a way that I can't be in person. Yes, I'm trying to avoid you at the gym. Here's why:

• I have never looked cute while working out, not even when I was young and cute and slim(ish). I don't wear make-up at the gym, I sweat like a boy and my face turns bright red. This is not how I want to greet anyone, let alone the acquaintances that I always run into there.
• My workout is my quiet time. I don't have to answer questions or try to follow complicated stories; I can just read or meditate or stare at the CNN headlines. And I like it. 
• I'm horrible at small talk. I think I've forgotten how. Or possibly I've always been terrible at it and I didn't realize it until I had the wisdom you get from being over 40, I don't know.
• I'm trying to keep my heart rate at 80%, which means I'm pushing myself, which means I'm probably too out of breath to talk anyway. 
• I only have a limited time to work out. If I have a chat with you, I will lose workout time. And unless you're telling me what's going to happen next on Downton Abbey, my workout time is more important to me than whatever we're talking about. 
• I always wonder whether you're wondering how I can sweat so much so often and still be so fat. Then I start wondering the same thing, and the shame cycle starts and I wind up at Dunkin Donuts on my way home. 
• I don't want to do spin or Zumba or whatever class with you. Having an authority figure around when I exercise turns me into a recalcitrant teenager. 
• We're not close friends. If we were, you would already know that I'd much rather talk to you over drinks than over treadmills. 

I think it's safe to say that my introvert side definitely comes out at the gym. What about you? Do you like chatting with acquaintances while you work out? 

Gobsmacked By The Boobs

I'm pretty sure a woman caught me staring at her boobs today.

This would not be a big deal under normal circumstances. I stare at people all the time. Either because I'm thinking about something else or because I'm a nosy bitch. Or because I think I remember the person, but can't remember how. (I also eavesdrop compulsively. It's the writer in me. Or the nosy bitch part. Whatever.) Anyway, normally I smile when caught. Or escape behind a pile of produce.

But boob staring, that's a little different. I suppose if I were a guy or a lesbian, I'd have learned how to do this more subtly, but being a straight chick hasn't prepared me for such things.

I was. . . .gobsmacked by the boobs. (I have been reading too many books set in England. But it totally works here, doesn't it?)

My own have become rather disappointing lately. After nursing 3 kids and celebrating their 22nd year (approximately), their formerly perky fullness has deflated and now seems to be oozing toward my armpits.

So I may have been slightly jealous when I saw boobs that looked exactly like mine used to look. On a woman my age, no less.

On a woman, I'm pretty sure, who did not have them a few weeks ago.

Maybe she found the bra Holy Grail. Maybe that's what happens to her boobs when she gains a few pounds or gets preggo. Maybe she had implants. I don't know.

And while I do know who she is and she knows who I am (unfortunately), we're not on the kind of terms where I can say, "Oh my God, you stole the awesome boobs I had at 20! How?"

So I just stared like a 13 year old boy. Well, not really. There was no lust involved. It was envy. But I had all the finesse and class of a 13 year old. So it kinda works.

I know she saw me staring. I hope she thinks I'm just jealous and not that I'm having sexual fantasies about her. Not that there's anything wrong with having sexual fantasies about acquaintances, if that's your thing. But if I was having sexual fantasies about my acquaintances, I would never choose her.

(And why would I fantasize about acquaintances when Friday Night Lights will be back on in 2 days? And I can watch Curtis Stone on Celebrity Apprentice? And. . . uh, I think I'm getting off topic. )

I am sure I am blowing this out of proportion. Right?