Virtual Slap Monday: Some Advice

My parents had a garage sale over the weekend. I helped (mostly by trying to unload some of our crap and making signs) and while I was helping, I had a few thoughts. Suggestions, if you will.

How To Be A Good Garage Sale Patron:

1. If all the signs say "yard" and "garage", you don't need to ask if there's more stuff for sale in the house. 
2. Go to the bathroom before you show up, not once you're standing in the yard. 
3. Loving the house from afar doesn't mean you deserve a tour of it during the garage sale. 
4. In fact, please don't ask to come into the house for any reason. 
5. Show up, at most, 15 minutes before the sale officially starts. Not 2 hours beforehand. 
6. If you drive up in a Mercedes and carry a Coach purse, don't balk at paying 50 cents for a book. 
7. The more rude you are, the more likely garage sellers are to donate the item you're interested in. 
8. Don't purposefully put things back in the wrong place after your super low ball offer didn't work.
9. You don't have to chat, but you can say, "hello."
10. Not only do you not have to chat, you should definitely not chat about your colostomy bag. 
11. Bring cash. 
12. Do not switch the tags around on items. Not only is it shitty and dishonest, it makes you look like an idiot. Who do you think did the pricing? Do you really think the sellers can't remember what they priced at $1 versus what they priced at $20? 
13. Tell your friends, especially if they collect something being sold. 
14. Bring a bag. It's easy to run out when you're not part of a corporate entity. 

Not the Good Kind of Pick Up Line

Let me just say that my town's day camp is awesome. It goes until 2pm. The counselors are sweet. It's based at the primary school. The talent show is the cutest thing ever. And it's pretty affordable, as far as camps go. They even take the kids from you at drop off and bring them to you at pick up, so you never have to get out of your car with a screaming toddler/show the other parents your pajamas/make small talk.

But.

The brilliant system, so clearly outlined in our information sheets and weekly newsletters, was apparently too much for some parents to grasp. Although how can you misunderstand, "remain in your car if you are in the pick up line, park your car if you'd like to get out and walk to your child(ren)", I'm not quite sure.*

Yet every day, as I remained in the pick-up line, I would see parked cars at the front of the line. At first I thought, well, surely they'll return to their cars once dismissal starts. Surely they get that this is not the same as the school year, where arriving early and snagging a "good"/driveway blocking parking spot is a competitive sport (and where no one brings your children to you).

I am so naive sometimes.

These people did not care about the massive line of cars behind them. They also did not care to park in an appropriate spot, although their were plenty available. I'm pretty sure they got there super early just to be at the front of the pick up line and PARK. They didn't hurry back to their cars once dismissal started. They didn't even hurry back once they'd grabbed their offspring. They were having conversations with each other, you see. **

I watched the camp director wander around the parking lot, ostensibly directing traffic and supervising the counselors, but never going near the offenders. Though there was a reminder in bold in the next newsletter. I suppose he was afraid to offend them, lest he lose his summer job. Or possibly his winter one as well, I could see these types complaining loudly at the high school where he teaches.

How can they possibly be that self-absorbed/arrogant/entitled/shitty? Or am I getting worked up over nothing?

What are your pick up pet peeves?





*Even the parents who weren't born here are so completely bilingual that their emails are more grammatically correct than half of what Sarah Palin says.
**Probably betting on how long they could stall before someone started honking.

I'm Going To Print It and Bring It With Me

Dear Older Woman at the grocery store,

I'm not sure how old you are, what with all that make-up you had spackled on. Possibly you are in your late 50s, in which case this letter is sincere. Possibly you are 90, in which case skip the letter and enjoy your vitality.

Anyway, you're older than I am. Which means that I should respect you. Though I think being a wounded mother of three with 45 minutes to shop means that you could have shown me some consideration. Instead you foiled me at every turn.

You blocked not one, not two, but THREE aisles I needed to go down. Did you know that it's possible to stand TO THE SIDE to contemplate your purchases and not, as you did, in the middle of every aisle?

You stood in front of the juice for more two minutes. Did you know that it's possible to move when people say, "Excuse me"?

You neglected to put down the divider bar between your groceries and mine. And you waited until I was at the end bagging my groceries, with your cart blocking my reach, to come into my checkout line. So I couldn't put the divider bar up myself. Did you know it stressed the checker out when she had to lift up several items and ask me if they were mine?

In short, you were extremely inconsiderate. And did not appear disabled enough to excuse this. And since I didn't want to be "that screaming lady" at the grocery store (at least, not again), I didn't say anything to you at the time. I decided a letter with an explanation would be more polite than just saying:


"Oh my God, what a rude bitch you are!"

Sincerely,
Jerseygirl

A Public Service Announcement from Jerseygirl89

Most people know not to utter racial or sexual slurs, at least not in public. Most people refrain from insulting people's looks or fashion choices to their faces. Most people understand the rules of civilized society.

But for some reason they think that those rules don't apply to pregnant women.

"You're so big!" they say with a smile. "Are you having twins?" they ask sweetly. "Looks like you're having a linebacker!" they exclaim cheerfully.

Would they say those things if someone was just fat? I think not.

I am short. And what little height I do have is in my legs. The space between my hip bone and my bottom rib fits nothing larger than a four month fetus. So when I was pregnant, I went from barely noticeable to needing maternity clothes very quickly. And then I had good-sized babies. So by the end of each pregnancy I was a freaking HOUSE. And I knew this. I mean, it's hard not to notice when you've turned into such a water buffalo that half of your maternity clothes don't fit.

Yet people still felt compelled to comment on my size. And I was too exhausted (I actually got more sleep after my babies were born that I did for the final months of my pregnancies) and too emotional (pregnancy hormones and all) to react properly. Because all I would say is, "Yeah, I know, right."

So, essentially, I let those rude people get away with disrespecting me. So, to those of you who are currently pregnant, DON'T LET THEM DO IT.

Here are some appropriate responses:

1. Did you just call me fat?
2. My baby and I are healthy, thank you so much for inquiring.
3. You're so tall/short/fat/thin/old!
4. Bless your heart, you're so rude.
5. Are you trying to hurt my feelings, or are you just stupid?
6. It's okay to keep some thoughts to yourself, you know.
7. The doctor says I'm as big as I'm supposed to be.

And for all of you who feel compelled to make comments about pregnant women's sizes, SHUT UP.

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you the SO BIG Pregnant Women's Foundation of America.

Well, You Look Stupid

That's what I'd like to say to people when they tell me I look tired. It's one thing if my husband says it, or even my mother. But the lady at the grocery store does not have the right to tell me that.

I'm sure I do look tired. And people watching me with two rambunctious toddlers can probably guess that I'm tired. But what's the point of mentioning it? Unless they're about to offer free babysitting and housecleaning, there is no point. Other than to be. . .what's that word. . .hmmm. . .is it bitchy?

That sympathetic clucking noise is supposed to mask it, I think. But it doesn't - it IS bitchy to tell someone that she doesn't look good (after all, "tired" is not a compliment, is it?). Especially in a situation where she can't respond in kind. I suppose I could , but that's just not accepted social discourse, is it? It's okay to repeat a compliment right back at someone ("You look great!" "You too!") but no one ever does for tired. Or worn out. Or exhausted. Or stressed. Or any other comment that is actually an insult.

Well, I'm done with behaving appropriately. The next person who tells me I look tired is going to hear exactly what I think of his/her looks too. Decorum be damned. And the next time I see another tired mom and the supermarket, I'm going to tell her that she must be a great mom.