Self-Satisfaction

(This post is intended for somewhat mature audiences and people who are not related to me. Mom and Dad, please delete this post NOW, thank you.)

Sometimes when I am falling asleep (or rather, NOT falling asleep) I envision future situations with my children and how I'll handle them. Apparently in the future I will remain calm and loving in the face of all kinds of transgressions. The only trouble "Idealized Me" is having with her teenagers is discussing masturbation with them.

I believe in masturbation the way some people believe in religious doctrines.

I believe that girls and women who can make themselves come (with their fingers, shower heads and battery-operated boyfriends) are happier in their sexual relationships and are more likely to be emotionally secure. I believe relationships where both partners masturbate (and are comfortable discussing it or even sharing it) are healthier. I believe you can't be truly comfortable with someone else's body until you are comfortable with your own.

Plus, masturbating always helps me fall asleep. (I can't believe I just threw that out there, internets. You all had better share some good stuff in the comments.)

But I can't imagine sharing how I learned any of this while I encourage a teenaged Ironflower to masturbate. At the same time, I don't want her to be like a woman I knew who finally learned how to masturbate (and still could only do it with a vibrator, as she was still afraid to touch herself "down there) at the age of 38.

Thirty-eight is way too long to wait for an orgasm, people.

I would prefer that Ironflower know how to give herself an orgasm long before she has to explain it to anyone else. Because it'll a lot easier to explain it (not to mention have it) if she knows all about it. I also think it will help not rush into physical stuff too fast - I can remember more than one time in high school that I stopped my horny little self from going too far by knowing that I could go home and take care of things perfectly (sadly, this same skill abandoned me a few times in adulthood) well by myself.

Notice I haven't mentioned Lovebug much. Boys seem to figure the whole thing out a lot better, don't they? I just don't want him to be ashamed. Or to whine to some girl about blue balls when all he has to do is wait until he gets home.

So, any suggestions for how to talk to my kids about masturbation? Any experiences and/or opinions you want to share? Do you think I'm over-emphasizing the importance of female masturbatory skills?

Here Comes Lovebug Gretzky!

I have often joked that Lovebug will turn out to be some kind of jock, what with his incredibly hard head and his belief that head butts are a form affection. But the truth is Lovebug has never shown any other athletic promise. He runs, jumps and climbs well for his age, but he can't catch or hit a ball. We're still not even sure if he is intentionally kicking the ball when we play our family version of soccer.

So imagine my shock this morning when he started playing hockey. We were watching Max and Ruby when some of the characters began playing ice hockey. Lovebug looked up at them in fascination, then ran to get a baton. He quickly began using the baton as a hockey stick, even managing to hit the remote control under the entertainment center like a goal. I was amazed.

It's a good thing I like hockey. I hope he plays for the Rangers or the Devils and not some lame team like the Islanders.