In Which I Am Betrayed By My Fandoms

 As a person a little too online and way too immersed in the Bravo cinematic universe, I have to say that I'm not thrilled that my escapist news has become almost as insane as the actual news. 

I must preface my reaction to it all with a message for Taylor (Frankie Paul, of MomTok & Bachlorette fame), Lindy (West, Shrill creator and great feminist writer), Amanda (Batula, Summer House persona), and Ciara (Miller, model and Summer House queen):

You deserve better. I promise.

Even you, Amanda. 

Watching all these beautiful women, at least two of whom are creatively talented (Lindy, obvs, and Amanda is a decent graphic designer regardless of her absolute terribleness as a friend), and all of whom are great at social media content creation and public speaking, spin out because of mediocre-at-best men is. . . .

Not what I need right now. 

(For those of you who are not chronically online/reality TV fans, here's a quick summary of the situations, from least to most dire:

Amanda, Ciara, & Summer House: 

The women: Amanda and Ciara are dear friends. Real friends. Super supportive of each other friends. Amanda helped Ciara through her painful, public break-up with Summer House castmate West and Ciara has supported Amanda through her challenging marriage to Summer House OG Kyle and their recent separation. 

The men: West is a player who broke Ciara's heart and then dissed their relationship WAY TOO MUCH in the press. Kyle was emotionally abusive to his wife and cheated on her. They are probably not actively evil, but they do need therapy. 

The travesty: As Ciara and West were talking again, and soon after Kyle and Amanda's separation, Amanda and West started having a thing. Even though Amanda knew that Ciara still had feelings for West, even though West and Kyle are friends, even though Amanda and Ciara are really close friends. After all kinds of rumors, Amanda just put out a statement admitting to it. 

Lindy West and the Adult Braces Discourse

Adult Braces in Lindy's new book. It's billed as a road-trip self-growth book, but the internet has been distracted by the fact that her husband is terrible. This is the BEST explainer. 

Is he terrible?

Even if you overlook the way he forced her into polyamory (as she does, and which he did by saying I'll only marry you if the marriage is open), the way he overstepped her request that he not date anyone she knew (which she does, and which he did), the way he and Roya (that's the third person in their now throuple, who he started dating first) sleep in the master bedroom while Lindy sleeps in the guest room of the home she owns, and the way he sent a completed unhinged and abusive email to the reporter from Slate who recently interviewed Lindy, he still seems terrible just based on his own (recently deleted) Instagram posts. 

What's the problem?

The way Lindy has defended this man and the way he's treated her is very uncomfortable for a lot of people. The way this man, and Roya, have attacked people who question their treatment of Lindy reinforces people's distrust of this situation. 

Even smart, talented, beautiful people can get stuck in relationships with people who treat them poorly. So, it's like we're all witnessing a slow-motion train wreck. 

Taylor Frankie Paul 

Which brings us to Taylor, erstwhile leader of MomTok, center of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, and star of the most recent (and now canceled) season of The Bachelorette. Taylor was part of a swinging scandal involving her now ex-husband, with whom she has two children. While feeling guilty about all that, she met Dakota, an addict and cheater. They had a child together. He kept cheating. They kept breaking up and getting back together and having terrible fights. He locked her in a garage. She attacked him and faced charges. When the video became public (right before The Bachelorette was to premiere, even though it was 3 years old), her season was canceled, and Mormon Wives stopped filming.))

See? It's been a lot. 

And I'm not ok. 

First of all, it really pisses me off that Taylor has had more consequences than any man in the Epstein files... or even Dakota, who just got cast on another reality show (from the Call Her Daddy podcaster, who I don't like anymore) despite also being under investigation for domestic violence after his and Taylor's most recent fight. 

Yes, I have a soft spot for Taylor because her mother is a piece of work, and Dakota is such a manipulative liar, and she is so relentlessly honest about herself. But I don't mind her facing consequences... I just mind all the men avoiding them. 

Speaking of men avoiding consequences, let's talk about West Wilson. Since he and Amanda hard-launched their situationship, he has gained a ton of social media followers, and I've barely seen any criticism of him. Meanwhile, people are sending Amanda death threats, and Rihanna (also a Bravo superfan) has unfollowed her. Even Jon Hamm (another superfan - we are legion and one of us is Michelle Obama) insulted her on Watch What Happens Live.

Once again, I'm fine with her having consequences. She deserves them for betraying her friend. But West now claims to be Ciara's friend (at least) and is also Kyle's friend. He has been just as shady. And yet no one seems to care about his role in all of this. 

If I wanted to watch white men get away with being shitty, I could just watch the news. 

(One could argue that the Trump White House is, in fact, just a giant reality show produced by Peter Thiel, Elon Musk, and Putin, and I don't disagree with that argument. But I only watch shows that have people I like. It's why I don't watch the show House of Villains.)

Aham, Lindy's husband, is experiencing some consequences: now the whole world thinks he's terrible. He's also not white. But even so, I fear Lindy is suffering bigger consequences; he's going to punish her for making him look bad. Trust me. 

I hope her book sales make up for it. 

Anyway, if I seem grouchy or distracted, this is why. Not the lack of justice for the Epstein victims. Not this ridiculous, horrible war. Not the racism of trying to get rid of birthright citizenship or the misogyny of the SAVE Act or whatever other bullshit they're doing to distract from the fact that Trump is a pedophile and a loser. 

It's because Taylor, Ciara, Lindy, and even Amanda deserve better. But mostly Taylor, Lindy, and Ciara. 

In conclusion, 

Fuck the Patriarchy. 

In Defense of Reality Television

In 1992, I began my love affair with reality TV. This was back when The Real World was groundbreaking television and the people appearing on it had personalities, not labels. A lot has changed in the last 20 years (political maps, computers, my boobs), but my love for reality TV has not.

(We did take a break for a few years, reality TV and I. After I outgrew The Real World, there weren't a lot of options. When Survivor became so popular, I refused to watch it on principle. It wasn't groundbreaking, it was pandering. It was putting writers out of work. Then, of course, I agreed to watch it once to please some friends. I watched that season and the next few. But by the time I was over it. . .)

There was a reality TV show for everyone. Not ABOUT everyone, like there is now, but definitely a good enough variety to make most Americans forget any principles they may have had. And forget I did. Temptation Island was the next one I watched. I would like to blame that one on the guy I was dating at the time, but since he stopped watching reality television when we broke up and I started watching Big Brother instead, I really can't.

It only got worse after I had kids and became addicted to basic cable.

Hot Guy is baffled by my love for the Real Housewives. And Dance Moms. And Project Runway. Actually, "baffled" isn't really the right term. "Disgusted," maybe. "Horrified", even. He doesn't understand why I want to watch stupid people get paid to act like assholes. To which I squeal, "But it's entertaining!" Surprisingly, he has not been swayed by this argument. So here are some more:

1. Since the people on reality television seem less real than those on good scripted shows (Parenthood, anyone?), it's a lot less upsetting when something bad happens to them.

2. I never lose the plot when one of the kids distracts me.

3. It lets me feel superior about my parenting skills, which pretty much never happens in real life.

4. It lets me feel superior about my maturity level, which also never happens in real life.

5. The Soup is much funnier if you have seen what Joel McHale is making fun of. (Except The Bachelor. There is no excuse for watching The Bachelor.)

6. So is Kathy Griffin.

7. Remember how much fun dive bars are? Especially when you've been going to wine bars filled with hipsters and finance guys? Reality television has the same appeal.

8. I grew up watching soap operas. I'm conditioned to like this kind of crap.

9. It's cheaper than shopping.

10. It's not as emotionally draining as being a football fan.

Pregnant in Clogs

Bravo, you have betrayed me.

After hours of awesomeness like the Real Housewives of New Jersey and Top Chef: All Stars, you had to bring us Pregnant in Heels. I was just going to ignore it like I ignore The Real Housewives of Miami, but it was on last night when the guide said Bethenny Ever After would be on.

Stupid Cablevision guide.

So I had to witness the couple having the round table to help them decide on their baby's name, which they likened to "branding" their baby. After the round table of naming experts, they had a focus group. Then a dinner with their friends, where the friends all had to vote. Because why just read some baby name books and choose on your own?

All of this was organized by Rosie Pope, "the baby concierge". She also got a therapist for another couple and designed and put together their entire nursery.

Do not ever let me see this show again, people.

I know that I'm supposed to be working on being non-judgmental. I know that I may have spent 8 hours in the pregnancy book section at the Borders in Overland Park after I found out I was pregnant with Ironflower.  I know that I sat through a baby shower for a co-worker with a look of utter horror on my face, trying to imagine myself exclaiming over onesies six months down the road. I know that I should be feeling compassion towards Rosie Pope's anxiety-filled clients.

But instead I want to smack them.

When they did the little Bravo flashforward that shows what's going to happen during the season? I'm pretty sure I shuddered.

Reading the books, doing the nursery, choosing toys, choosing names, going to pre-natal classes. . .it seems that now you can hire someone to do all that for you. If you're rich enough and live in Manhattan, anyway.

And just what kind of parents are these people going to be if they can't even get over their fears of brightly colored toys or don't trust themselves to choose their baby's name? You don't get to be paralyzed with fear as a parent. You have to trust yourself.

Rosie Pope doesn't say anything like that to her clients, though. She just coddles them through things. With the help of her fabulously gay assistant and her slightly annoying lisp. I can't picture either of them turning a table over on any of their clients, much as they might deserve it. Plus, the poor woman is going through IVF, which sucks and the execs at Bravo probably thought would be charmingly ironic. Not that there's anything charming about IVF.

So I think they should let me be the baby concierge. No irony, but think of what gritty realism I could bring to the show. Think of me getting all Jack Nicholson on the parents to be: "You can't handle the truth! Babies need toys! They cry! They are not brands! You are not compromising your personality by wearing comfortable shoes, unless your are totally shallow!" They could intersperse those speeches with shots of me showing the parents how to hold the baby, how to change a diaper in the dark and how to pick the best board books.

They'll have to change the name, though. I have never been pregnant in heels and I would tell my clients not to wear heels after month 6. Clogs are okay, though.

Memo to Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn

Some REAL challenges for contestants on Bravo's reality shows.

Project Runway:

1. Design a stylish wardrobe - that encompasses the whole nine months - for a pregnant woman on a budget of less than $200.

2. Create a bathing suit that looks great on someone who wears a size 14.

3. Design a nursing top that looks good, actually works and lasts. . . for $20.

4. Make a cocktail dress - that doesn't resemble a muumuu - for women sized 8 - 18.

5. Create a comfortable version of Spanx.

Top Chef

1. Create a week's worth of dinners, that can be frozen and thawed throughout the week, and are tasty and nutritious, for $100.

2. Make a healthy Cheeto.

3. Cook a lunch for three picky preschoolers that includes all the food groups and can be made in ten minutes or less.

4. Create a tasty meal from foods found in a typical parent's minivan.

Shear Genius

1. Develop a cut that looks good with a pregnant woman's newly thick and straighter hair that will still work after she has the baby and all her hair falls out.

2. Cut a toddler's hair evenly while the toddler throws a tantrum.

3. Develop a cut that looks good after being slept on.

4. Teach a harried mom to trim her own hair so that it looks good.

Top Design

1. Design a neat, functional play room for less than $200. Actually, design any room for $200.

2. Create a bed that is comfortable for women who are nine months pregnant and is functional for nursing mothers.

3. Make my house stylish - without spending any money.

4. Develop a toy storage line that is practical, affordable and not made of plastic.

Anyone got any ideas for other challenges that Bravo should be using?