My Favorite Celebrities: Drinking Edition

I don't get why people want to be able to have a beer with the President. First of all, just because someone is fun to drink with doesn't mean s/he is good at any job, let alone a very important one. I don't want the President to be "fun", I want him/her to be running the country. And have you ever had a beer with someone who is preoccupied with work? Either the person is a total buzzkill and keeps talking about work, or s/he gets completely wasted, convinces you to dance on a bar and winds up making out with someone with tribal tattoos.

Celebrities are a completely different matter, though. Celebrities, regardless of how amazing their latest movie and/or humanitarian project is, are not running the country. They are supposed to be fun. Or at least interesting.

So here's a list of celebrities I would like to have a beer (or five) with - kind of in order, but not precisely:

1. Kathy Griffin - I love her. She's funny and honest and talks about her issues and loves to gossip. Plus, she doesn't drink, so she could drive me home.

2. Mindy Kaling - Her book,Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns), makes me happy. And I love The Office, so anyone who writes for it is welcome to drink with me anytime.

3. Chelsea Handler - First of all, she loves to drink. Also, her books are hysterical and her talk show is one of the two that I'll keep watching when the guest comes on.

4. Jon Stewart - Hosts the other show that I'll keep watching even when the guest comes on. He is so funny and smart, I would do other things besides just have a beer with him.

5. Amy Poehler - Other celebrities talk about how nice she is, plus she's brilliantly funny. And she's married to Will Arnett, who I would also be happy to have a beer with.

6. Tina Fey - Even though I wish she'd let Liz Lemon evolve a bit, how do you not love Tina Fey? Though I think with her I might just want to get some ice cream. I'm pretty sure I couldn't catch all of her references if I was drinking.

7. Kevin Smith - A much better representation of Jersey than anyone except Bruce Springsteen (who I would not want to have a beer with, because I wouldn't be able to talk coherently). Funny, nerdy, swears constantly - my dream man.

8. Neil Patrick Harris - Brilliant career moves intrigue me. Plus, he likes show tunes and can tell a joke. Perfect drinking companion.

9. Jason Bateman - I have had a crush on him ever since I started having crushes. He could tell me what it was like to be on Silver Spoons AND my childhood favorite, Little House on the Prairie. Plus, I think he'd be kind when I spilled my beer or did something else equally embarrassing.

10. Any member of the Wayans family - Actually, what I'd really like to do is celebrate a holiday with them. I just envision a lot of good-natured humor and family talent shows.

11. Adele - I love Adele. Her interviews make me love her more. I'd be happy to go to the dry cleaners with her, let alone drink with her.

12. Queen Latifah - She is way cooler than I will ever be and always has been. Plus, Hot Guy met her and says she's really nice. Also? She's from Jersey. I'm just saying.




To be fair, though, some celebrities, like Presidents, are not meant for drinking beers and shooting the shit. Such as:

1. Oprah - Could you relax around Oprah? I'd be afraid to order a beer in case she brought Dr.Phil out to yell at me.

2. Any Kardashian (with the possible exception of Khloe) - What on earth would we talk about?

3. Rush Limbaugh - Obviously.

4. Kanye West - Pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise.

5. The Beckhams - I don't think they kick back and drink beer, I think they live on protein shakes and edamame. Plus I don't think Posh and I have a lot in common, except for a deep appreciation for David's body. Which would make for awkward conversation, to say the least.

6. Justin Bieber - Even if he was old enough to drink legally, I'd still pass. I think deep down inside, he's incredibly boring.

7. Madonna - I would have loved to party with the Madonna of 30 years ago, but I'm pretty sure today's Madonna doesn't drink beer. Though she does put on a hell of a halftime show.  

8. Anyone a "news channel" has hired to host a show with his or her name in the title - Bill O'Reilly? Nancy Grace? Are these people you'd really want to drink with? I hear even Keith Olbermann is an asshole and I agree with a lot of his opinions. The only exception here is Rachel Maddow. She rules and I would LOVE to drink with her.

9. Angelina Jolie - While I have mostly forgiven her for breaking up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, she just doesn't seem like a fun person to me. Maybe she is supermom and a great director and actress and charitable and all that, but I think she'd be a total buzzkill.

Things I Wish Were True

Some days the world is so annoying that you just have to fantasize about things you wish were true. . .

1. That Jesse James was actually Sandra Bullock's beard and these are all disgruntled ex-girlfriends of hers coming out because she has finally found true love with Jodie Foster.

2. That when celebrities went to rehab to work on their "issues", "stress" and "anxiety", what they had to work at Wal-Mart for minimum wage while supporting 2 kids with ADD and no health insurance.

3. That all the Tea Party people were really just doing it for the cash supplied by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck and didn't believe any of the crap they were spouting.

4. That milk chocolate was just as good for you as dark chocolate.

5. That saying, "Oh please, for the love of the Goddess, shut up!" as the 1 year old screams and gets in my way every time I prepare a meal was taken as a loving comment and not, you know, an inappropriate outburst.

6. That I had my 31 year old, pre-child body. . . .forever.

7. That we only read about racism, sexism and homophobia in history books.

8. That houses were self-cleaning.

9. That instead of paying for language immersion and piano and dance and soccer and T-ball and gymnastics and swimming and art classes for 3 year olds, parents taught them empathy first.

10. That I didn't really see Tiger Woods' kindergarten teacher on the news yesterday.

11. That Dr. Jack Cassell failed the MCAT.

12. That sleeping with a famous person was not a more likely path to celebrity than writing a book of poetry or solving a conundrum in theoretical physics.

13. That my kids would never doubt how wonderful they are.

14. That Friday Night Lights was returning to network TV. And staying on forever.

15. That Jon and Kate Gosselin never did a reality show.

16. That kids had volume dials like stereos.

17. That Justin Bieber was going back to high school to focus on his education. Or his hairstyling skills.

18. That all the people I loved lived within a 100 mile radius.

19. That aging rockers retired gracefully instead of horrifying us at the Super Bowl.

20. That I had an iPad, even though that's got to be the stupidest product name on the planet after "Pussycat Dolls".

What do you wish was true?