Ten Reasons You Should Be Watching Game of Thrones

As a kid, I was far more into my Trixie Belden mysteries than any fantasy fiction I read; I couldn't even get into A Wrinkle in Time. I resisted reading Harry Potter for years, though when I finally broke down I completely fell in love with them. So when my cousin recommended the  Song of Ice and Fire series I was more open to the idea of fantasy than I had ever been, but I wasn't especially enthusiastic.

Whoops.

Before I had even finished reading Game of Thrones, I was hunting down A Clash of Kings. I thought the wait for A Dance with Dragons would kill me and it was only a few months. I'd be going crazy right now if it wasn't for the TV show. Which is so much closer to the plot and spirit of the books than True Blood or Bones. I highly recommend the books, but if they seem too daunting:

1. You're sick of people telling you that you should be watching Game of Thrones.

2. You can't wait for the next season of The Walking Dead.

3. You miss The Sopranos, even though you felt like Tony was too much of a good guy.

4. You like hot men.

5. You like hot women.

6. You like hot dragons.

7. You like female characters that are actually characters and not props for the male characters.

8. You wish TV shows were more like epic movies.

9. You know it's wrong to be prejudiced against the fantasy genre.

10. Tyrion Lannister is one of the most interesting characters ever written and Peter Dinklage plays the hell out of him.

Spring Is Coming

I love Game of Thrones. The TV show and the book series upon which it is based, A Song of Ice and Fire, are pop culture obsessions of mine. Some days this winter made me feel so dark and gloomy that I consoled myself by thinking, "At least I'm not at Winterfell." 

For those of you who don't watch/read (YOU SHOULD), Winterfell is the castle where it is always cold and windy. It is the home of the Stark family, most of whom have been killed by their enemies. Currently it's a burned out hull. 

That's how much I hated this winter. 

When we got our first taste of warmth and sun this year - on April 10th, I might add - I remembered that even though "Winter is coming," so is spring. And summer. 

Last year at the Easter Egg hunt, we wore winter coats. But not this year. Only Hugmonkey was really interested in meeting the Easter bunny. 

Lovebug had his first baseball game. Then we went to the park for a picnic. 

I want to call this a "chelfie", for self and child. 

There was climbing. 

More chelfie. I think I'm getting better at them. Except for lighting. 

There was exploring. 

 And swinging. 

Lots of swinging. 

Stay in 2013, Jerks

1. Robin Thicke. I don't care that "Blurred Lines" is supposed to be about his wife, it's rape-y and awful and has nothing on Daft Punk's "Get Lucky".
2. Phil Robertson. He doesn't just bother me because he thinks the Bible gives him license to be homophobic. He doesn't just bother me because he thinks 15 year old girls should be married off. He doesn't just bother me because it is supremely racist to believe what he saw from his co-workers in the Jim Crow South means that he understands what it was like to be African-American at that time, or in this one. He bothers me because the people defending him don't understand that free speech doesn't mean there are no consequences for that speech. 
3. Justin Bieber. I just cannot anymore. His biggest story this year was peeing in a bucket. I long for the day when I don't know shit like that. 
4. People whining that Beyonce is not a feminist. Look, dipshits, if she calls herself a feminist and doesn't do things to block equality, she's a fucking feminist. And we're damn lucky to have her. 
5. Furby Boom. Did they calibrate the voice to be the most annoying thing on the fucking planet? And why is the app only available on Apple products? Not that I want all three of them playing it on the same time on their Kindles. 
6. Megyn Kelly. We don't need any more "facts" about the fictional character based on the non-white guy. 
7. Ani DiFranco. I was actually a bit sympathetic to her plight at first. I mean, I wouldn't plan an event at a former slave plantation, but I've certainly had thoughtless moments before. But then she apologized. . .by discussing how much the outcry affected her and how people of color need to get over their bitterness. The equivalent of hitting a pedestrian, then bitching at them for being in the crosswalk. 
8. People who don't believe in science. Frankly, it baffles me that people who don't believe in evolution  are still around. I mean, the Catholic Church - a place where they still won't accept birth control, divorce and female priests - accepts it. 
9. People who go out to restaurants in their pajamas. It's one thing to do the school run in pajamas, it's quite another to make plans to meet a friend for lunch and refuse to get dressed. Put on some damn yoga pants like the rest of us. 
10. Jonathan Franzen. From the sounds of his rants, he'd probably be more comfortable being left in 1913, but this will have to do. I plowed through The Corrections many years ago, and it's a fine novel. But writing one, or even two (I haven't read Freedom) fine novels does not make you the literary king. So quit acting like you're better than every other writer out there. 

Pop Culture Thursday: Because We Need to Talk About Game of Thrones

Spoiler Alert: If you haven't seen last Sunday's episode of Game of Thrones (Season 3, Episode 9, not that I'm religiously keeping track or anything), please stop reading right now. Go watch it and then come back. I'll wait. And if you don't watch Game of Thrones, please go read an old post or something. 

After seeing the Red Wedding, Hot Guy is thinking of not watching Game of Thrones anymore. He only read the first book, so while he was expecting something bad to happen, he wasn't expecting anything like that. He is pissed because he feels like they're killing off all of his favorite characters.

Which I get. I remember rereading that section of A Storm of Swords several times, sure I'd missed the part where it said the whole thing was Catelyn's dream.

But for me, my favorite part is the plot - the story - the game, if you will. Sure, I like some characters and I hate some other characters (House Bolton, I'm looking at you assholes) but more than anything, I want to know what's going to happen. Who's going to sit on the Iron Throne - hell, will there even be an Iron Throne? Will there be any Starks left? All the characters I like could die and I would still want to know what happened.

Which is not to say that I won't be pissed if Jamie, Arya, Brienne or Arianne dies. See, show only people - you haven't even met some of the coolest characters yet!

What about you? Is there anyone George could kill that would make you stop reading/watching? If you started with the show, do you even want to read the books? Did the Red Wedding make you want to give up on the show?

A Love Letter For Tina Fey

Dear Tina,

I can call you Tina, right? I've read Bossypants twice, so I feel like I know you. And I love you. This is probably making me sound like a creepy stalker, but I swear I'm not. First of all, I'm not creepy. Second of all, I'm way too lazy to stalk anyone. And if I was going to stalk anyone, it would probably be Taylor Kitsch. Or Jon Stewart. Or Brett Favre.

I have eclectic tastes.

Anyway, I love your work - 30 Rock, Bossypants, Mean Girls, essays, some of my favorite SNL years. But more than your work, I love that you are so honestly yourself. You don't try to pretend that you're perfect or that every aspect of your life is perfect all the time. You have this amazing career, a great family, a bunch of (much deserved) awards, and yet you still fret about things.

I find it comforting. Reassuring, even. The knowledge that even if I became the most successful mommy blogger of all time (or managed to actually finish a book and publish it and have it turned into a movie), with the financial security, uber-patient nanny and awesome housecleaner that would come along with that success, I would still have moments of insecurity. I would still feel like I was juggling things not very successfully all the time. I would still cry for no good reason every ninth Tuesday.

I think our generation of women  has always had this idea that we could do it all, that we should do it all and that it wouldn't be that hard. I have a friend who was really ticked that she was still having these times of insecurity and panic when she turned 40. As if we would eventually hit a point, at 30 or 40 or whenever, where we would have everything figured out. That all those inner critics and inner 13 year olds would disappear suddenly. I had that idea too, until I started reading books and blogs by all these amazing women, who sometimes trip or feel insecure or say the wrong thing.

I'm so grateful to you and to the other successful women who are openly imperfect (Mindy Kaling! Kathy Griffin! Scary Mommy! The Bloggess! Jenn Lancaster! Laurie Notaro! Jenna Fischer! Adele! And that's who I can think of off the top of my head. Who did I forget?). I'm so thankful that you have helped create a world in which Christopher Hitchens seems like a total idiot for not thinking women are funny. I love that you are a feminist in my favorite sense of the word, not someone obsessed with checking all the boxes of stereotypical academic feminism.

You make me look forward to the (fast-approaching) day when I need glasses. You make me proud of my husband for having such a huge crush on you. You make me proud to have a been a theater nerd. You make my teenage self proud to have been called "too smart" by too many loser guys. You make me happy.

                                                                                                          Thanks,
                                                                                                             Jen

Dear Twihards. . .

I've never really been into Twilight. I read the books. Well, I read the first book and the last book, because that's how the library gave them to me and I really didn't care enough to find out what happened in the middle.

The writing and the (lack of) character development didn't exactly move me.

But I was excited to see the movies. Good acting can make up for a multitude of sins and I had high hopes. Until I found out that Robert Pattinson had been cast as Edward. I have nothing against Robert Pattinson, but he's no Edward. Edward, I thought, was supposed to be sexy. And manly. And did I mention sexy?

Taylor Kitsch

When I expressed my position that they were ruining the film by miscasting it, someone pointed out that they were trying to appeal to teenage girls, not 40 year old women. Why not this guy, then?

Zach Gilford

I still love me some Friday Night Lights. 

Anyway, friends assured me that Robert Pattinson would grow on me. He didn't. We won't even get started on the disappointment that is Taylor Lautner (again, not him personally, just for the role). And the only thing I've ever liked about Kristen Stewart is her perceived bitchiness in interviews. 

So I haven't actually seen any Twilight movie in its entirety. But because I'm a consumer of pop culture, I feel like I have. And really? 

I'm not the least bit surprised that Kristen and Rob have broken up. I'm not even all that surprised that she cheated. They have no chemistry. I am surprised that she chose a guy my age instead of whichever Hemsworth was in the Snow White movie with her (yes I could Google it, but then I'd just spend 4 hours trying to decide which Hemsworth is my favorite) or at least Kellan Lutz. But there's no accounting for chemistry. Or manipulation of starlets. 

I know that there are a lot of heartbroken Twilight fans out there. I am tempted to make fun of them, but:

1. I don't have the funds to hire a bodyguard, like I hope Kristen Stewart has done, and

2. I'm not sure how I would react if any of my Friday Night Lights actors had actually fallen in love with one another and then I found out that one of them had cheated on the other. 

So in the interests of not being a hypocrite, I will just say this: 

Once upon a time, the world was pretty pissed at Brad Pitt for cheating on Jennifer Aniston. Before that, they were pissed at Hugh Grant for cheating on Elizabeth Hurley. Now all of these people are better off apart. Sure, it was a shitty thing for Kristen to do. But Rob is better off without her. So calm down, okay? 

Also, this never would have happened if they'd cast Taylor Kitsch as Edward. 

An Excuse For My Hypocrisy

When I was in the second grade, I started a letter writing campaign to demand that the movie "Grease" be given a 'G' rating, not a 'PG' one. I was kind of obsessed with "Grease" and it was painful to me that some of my classmates couldn't watch it because it was rated 'PG'. Or at least that's the excuse they gave. Now that I think about it, not very many of my second grade classmates grew up to be theater nerds with me in high school. Maybe they just couldn't appreciate a good musical.

 I didn't think a few swear words and a teen pregnancy storyline were bad for kids. I don't remember registering the liquor or smoking as a big deal either. As far as I was concerned, the singing and dancing were what really mattered. Though the clothes also intrigued me. I really wanted a Pink Lady jacket. And skintight black pants.* At 7, my crush on Olivia Newton-John was far bigger than my crush on John Travolta.

But this is not a post about Grease. ** It's about how I would rather my 7 year old not watch Grease.

And how I'm afraid that this makes me a total hypocrite/helicopter parent/idiot.

I mean, I don't even like her to watch iCarly. We used to use Led Zeppelin to soothe her and now. . . I'm sheltering her from a movie I watched when I was 7? I still let her listen to Led Zeppelin - or any other music she wants. I don't think hearing lyrics she won't understand is going to mess her up.

But seeing a story, well, this is a kid who has always acted out her favorite TV shows and movies. It's not that I think she's going to turn into Rizzo or that girl from St. Bernadette's. But I don't want her acting out scenes from this movie on the playground. Or even thinking so much about all the romantic drama that goes on in that movie, nevermind the other stuff that happens.

If you had asked me at 8 or 11 or 14 what I thought was supposed to happen in romantic relationships, I would have described Sandy's plot line from Grease. This was not a good set up for teenage dating. The lesson I wish I had learned was that if he suddenly starts acting like a jerk, he's a jerk. He's not going to change his ways because he loves you so much, like Danny did for Sandy.***

At this point, my daughter views boys as potential playmates, not boyfriends. If she likes a boy, it's because he helped her build a fort. I feel like repeated viewings of Grease and other romance heavy shows are going to change that. I know that someday, of course, she will look at boys like boyfriends. Or girls like girlfriends, whatever. But why push her?

It's not like I'll never let her watch Grease or iCarly or Degrassi. Down the road I plan on forcing all the kids to watch Degrassi and 16 & Pregnant with me. And Grease. And Sixteen Candles. And Fame. I'm hoping these will be fun family occasions, but I suspect these viewings will actually occur when they are grounded.

So I'm not a total hypocrite. When I feel they are old enough (which is definitely not while they still work so hard to believe in Santa Claus) I will let them watch all kinds of PG and R rated material.

What about you? Is there a movie or a TV show that you watched that you won't let your kids watch? What's your philosophy on PG and R ratings?





*I finally understand some of the unfortunate fashion choices I made while clubbing in college.

**Although it could be. I still love that movie.

***Undoubtedly not all my teenage dating issues had to do with Grease, Sixteen Candles also shoulders some of the blame. And all the hours I watched All My Children with my babysitter probably didn't help.

Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

1. Now even Target is selling padded bras for little girls. It was bad enough for Abercrombie and Fitch to do it, but what else can you expect from them? But for Target to have padded bras on one side and my daughter's Tinkerbell underwear on the other side of the rack in the Girls' section is just WRONG. And if you buy a daughter under 15 a padded bra? You have issues.

2. Michele Bachmann. Proving that ignorance is not bliss.

3. Colin Farrell speaking at Elizabeth Taylor's funeral (the things you learn when you watch the E! ticker). How on earth did they become such good friends?

4. Glenn Beck. Obviously he is the devil.

5. Kim Kardashian's single. I don't hate the Kardashians for being famous for making sex tapes and reality shows, but can't they just stick with what they know? It's a little late for them to convince us that they have any talent.

6. TLC, the channel. It used to be called The Learning Channel. Now all you learn is how to run a bakery in Hoboken, have gazillions of children and/or have lots of wives. Just because I watch the shows doesn't mean I respect them. (see also: entire Real Housewives franchise). My TV viewing habits are on a par with a frat boy on spring break: I'll watch anything, even if I won't admit it to my friends later.

7. The woman suing the New York preschool because she's afraid her daughter won't get into the Ivy League. It is so not going to be the preschool's fault when that little girl doesn't get into an Ivy League college, it's going to be the mother's fault for driving the poor kid into a mental institution before she can even take her SATs for the first time.

8. Justin Bieber. If Glenn Beck isn't the devil, then it has to be the Biebs. Who else would steal a hairstyle from lesbians?

What signs have I missed?

I Love The Video Music Awards

I watched some of the VMAs last night. I don't know why, since I can't remember the last time I actually watched a music video and find the whole auto-tune/lip-syncing culture of current popular "artists" kind of abhorrent. I do have kind of a girl crush on Chelsea Handler, though.

Anyway, since I can actually remember the day MTV started, I'm pretty much out of its demographic anymore, but it was interesting seeing what the kids are listening to these days. I probably shouldn't make fun of artists young enough to be my sons, but Justin Bieber is SO the next Gibb brother. Or Gibb grandchild. He's such a BeeGee. And I think he'll last about as long. I can't believe he makes me actually long for the wit of the Jonas Brothers. And Drake? What is the point of Drake? He can't rap and I would have turned off his song if Mary J. Blige hadn't been singing it . . .why was his name in lights when she was doing all the work?

I missed Eminem. I have a crush on him too. But I kind of wish he'd beaten the crap out of Drake.

I discovered Florence and the Machine. I had never heard of them - because, um, I don't actually watch MTV and New York radio stations suck - but I am so glad I watched them. They're actually talented.

I wonder about Lady Gaga. If she has the longevity of Madonna, for example, what the hell will she be wearing to the awards in a few years? Midgets?

I look forward to the day Taylor Swift donates a small percentage of her gazillion dollars to the Kanye West Memorial Fund for Overblown Hip Hop Stars Who Have Become Homeless.

Why did Chris Colfer from Glee look like he was still wearing his rehearsal clothes? I mean, I know it's not the Oscars, but a little effort is never wrong. (Note to Lady Gaga: I said a LITTLE effort, not enough effort for yourself and 2 or 3 assistants.)

I still like Linkin Park.

I was intrigued by all "The Social Network" trailers.

I would never, ever actually want to go the VMAs.

Simon Cowell Is Like A Margarita

A former contestant on Britain's Got Talent is suing Simon Cowell because he humiliated her on the show. When I snorted while reading the article, Hot Guy wanted to know what was up.

I think it's a testimony to our love that my snorts, instead of repelling him, make him interested in whatever I am reading.

So I explained about the suit. I may have also implied that this woman does not deserve several million pounds for getting humiliated on a Simon Cowell show, since by now even people who hate pop culture know what happens when you sing in front of Simon Cowell.

This is a man, after all, who does not appreciate Jennifer Hudson.

I expected Hot Guy to agree. I mean, the humiliation of others is half the reason people watch those shows. And while the other judges might dash dreams, Simon makes a sport of how nasty he can be. So anyone who does audition should know exactly what they're in for, shouldn't they?

Instead, I got to hear a little lecture about how dreadful it is that Simon Cowell makes so much money being mean to people and basically he deserves every frivolous law suit he gets.

I was a little taken aback. Hot Guy usually agrees with me about frivolous law suits AND he's always said that he won't watch any competition shows because of the annoying screams of the adolescent audience.

But now I see Hot Guy's point. Simon's mean just to be mean and it does seem rather unfair that he's got more money that the queen because of it.

So now I'm wondering what song I should sing for my audition. I guarantee he will  be very nasty to me because I can't carry a tune unless I think no one else is listening. Then I can sue him for several million dollars and finally buy a new dishwasher. And redo my basement. . .

Damn,  I'm too old for American Idol and I don't think Simon's on America's Got Talent (I'm pretty sure David Hasselhoff is , but there's no point in suing him. Better he saves his money for another trip to rehab). Which is understandable, because the truth is, I don't think Simon Cowell yelling at me would make me feel humiliated like it would have at 20. It would just make me ask him if it's true that his penis is only 3 inches long (c'mon, it must be - what other excuse for his bitterness is there?) and somehow I don't think this would help me with the whole "poor humiliated woman" case.

So there go my dreams for suing Simon Cowell. But hey, at least I've come to agree with Hot Guy on the whole thing. Though I still say frivolous lawsuits are bad, they are not bad if they involve Simon Cowell. Like tequila is bad, unless it's part of a margarita.

A Suggestion for Mel Gibson

Oh, Mel Gibson.

I remember when I thought you were attractive. I remember your sense of humor during Lethal Weapon and the way your eyes seemed to twinkle. Those were the days.

You started taking yourself more seriously around Braveheart, which I did not exactly enjoy. But your creative happiness was important to me, so I forgave you for not making Bird on a Wire 2 instead.

I'll admit that I was put off by Passion of the Christ, but gave you the benefit of the doubt since you made like eleventy-billion dollars from it.

You first DUI rant disturbed me more. I couldn't ignore it. I broke things off with you. I merely shook my head when you dumped your wife of decades for a Russian musician and impregnated her almost immediately.

By that point, I already suspected that you were an asshole.

But these tapes. Wow. You have crossed the asshole line, skipped abusive and gone straight for complete whackjob. I think you must be crazy, because otherwise how did you not figure out that she would tape you saying all of those vile things? And, you know, how did you even come up with some of those things unless you were nuts?

But, other than stabs of pity for your many children and former wife, I didn't feel much when I heard the tapes. My feelings for you had long since died out.

What I don't understand are the people who are defending you. The women - the WOMEN - I heard on the radio yesterday, who were blaming your girlfriend for entrapping you. Who were saying that your drunken rants didn't mean anything. Who said they were still on your side.

Those women need therapy, Mel.

I've been drunk. I've had a drunken rant or two and I've certainly heard some. But you? You went so far beyond the normal parameters that it's obvious your unbothered supporters have heard some really bad stuff regularly in their lives. Some really ugly stuff. And they've blamed themselves for it.

Mel, this is the chance you've been waiting for. You still - even after you support your ex, your kids and your Russian - will have a shit-ton (that's a finance term, right?) of money. Pay for therapy for your supporters. Get them to see that you're a crazy person and that even pet rats deserve better treatment. Then they'll still support you, but it will be because you've helped them. And many of us who think you're a crazy douchebag will be impressed with your generosity and maybe not picket any more movies you make.

Especially if you do make Bird on a Wire 2.

My Cousin Is Cooler Than Your Cousin

I have six first cousins, 3 on each side. As an only child, they are the closest thing I have to siblings and I adore them all. But growing up I was probably closest to my cousin Greg - he was the closest to me in age. We used to make up fake newscasts on my tape recorder when we were bored. None of them survived, alas, but proof that at least was one of us was funny can be seen here:

Skewer System's Tweet It video.

You can check out their other videos on YouTube. Or you can read  my cousin's blog.

Things I Wish Were True

Some days the world is so annoying that you just have to fantasize about things you wish were true. . .

1. That Jesse James was actually Sandra Bullock's beard and these are all disgruntled ex-girlfriends of hers coming out because she has finally found true love with Jodie Foster.

2. That when celebrities went to rehab to work on their "issues", "stress" and "anxiety", what they had to work at Wal-Mart for minimum wage while supporting 2 kids with ADD and no health insurance.

3. That all the Tea Party people were really just doing it for the cash supplied by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck and didn't believe any of the crap they were spouting.

4. That milk chocolate was just as good for you as dark chocolate.

5. That saying, "Oh please, for the love of the Goddess, shut up!" as the 1 year old screams and gets in my way every time I prepare a meal was taken as a loving comment and not, you know, an inappropriate outburst.

6. That I had my 31 year old, pre-child body. . . .forever.

7. That we only read about racism, sexism and homophobia in history books.

8. That houses were self-cleaning.

9. That instead of paying for language immersion and piano and dance and soccer and T-ball and gymnastics and swimming and art classes for 3 year olds, parents taught them empathy first.

10. That I didn't really see Tiger Woods' kindergarten teacher on the news yesterday.

11. That Dr. Jack Cassell failed the MCAT.

12. That sleeping with a famous person was not a more likely path to celebrity than writing a book of poetry or solving a conundrum in theoretical physics.

13. That my kids would never doubt how wonderful they are.

14. That Friday Night Lights was returning to network TV. And staying on forever.

15. That Jon and Kate Gosselin never did a reality show.

16. That kids had volume dials like stereos.

17. That Justin Bieber was going back to high school to focus on his education. Or his hairstyling skills.

18. That all the people I loved lived within a 100 mile radius.

19. That aging rockers retired gracefully instead of horrifying us at the Super Bowl.

20. That I had an iPad, even though that's got to be the stupidest product name on the planet after "Pussycat Dolls".

What do you wish was true?

If You Don't Watch Bravo, You'll Never Understand This Post

I am so glad The Real Housewives of New York City are back on again. Not that I don't enjoy watching all the other Housewives shows, because I do.

(See? No shame. No embarrassment. I am letting the entire world know that I watch trashy reality TV. Actually, I do more than watch - I THINK about it.)

But the New York Housewives are my favorites. They're smarter than the other Housewives. It pains me to say it, Jersey resident that I am, but it's true. When I watch the other Housewives shows, I'm always listening for grammatical mistakes and the misuse of big words. I'm also always staring in mute horror at the behavior of most of  the husbands. Which is its own kind of fun.

But the New York Housewives generally make sense. And while there are many, many, many things to be said about the symbiotic relationship between Alex and her husband Simon, I'd much rather hang out with him than with Tamra's husband Simon. That guy is such a douche.

Anyway, what's great about the New York show is that while the women seem fairly intelligent and have equal marriages (er, those that still have marriages), they are STILL immature and nuts. They have stupid fights, alliances change and where you sit really, really matters. It's like high school with money.

I would happily go out drinking with any of the New York women (except Kelly, she's a  complete bitch). I would go out with a few of the Atlanta women too, but that's it. All the cool Orange County Housewives have left. And the New Jersey Housewives. . . . .

I will watch it when it comes on again. Partially because I like to see places I recognize  on camera. It makes me feel cool. And of course, they do provide a lot of drama. But naturally I find the show embarrassing. I mean, not only is it about New Jersey, it's about my area of it. And it's not completely inaccurate. That, quite possibly, is the worst part.

Which is another reason to love the New York show. I'm not from there. Sure, I'm familiar with it. I've even been to the Hamptons before. (Once. A long time ago.) But it's not personal.

Thank God.

People Who Need to Be Deported* (With Apologies to Dr. King)

I am sorry to post this blog on your day, Dr. King. I know that it is the opposite of tolerance and love for fellow man, but I feel like you would understand.

This may be a foreshadowing of the grumpy old lady I'm becoming, in which case I look forward to smacking these people with my cane someday. . .

1. Pat Robertson. For being everything that's wrong with today's Evangelical movement as well as a bigoted ignoramus. Jesus would be helping in Haiti, asshole.

2. The Jersey Shore cast. Not because they're ignorant trash who are making more money than I am, but because ONLY ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY.  Spending a summer on the Jersey shore does not make you from New Jersey, capiche?

3. John Gosselin. It's not like he spends time with his kids any more anyway, and maybe all of his young girlfriends would follow him. Although this whole story is a great case in point about the dangers of marrying young and treating your husband like one of the kids.

4. Glenn Beck. Pandering to the ignorant is so mercenary.

5.The creator of Yo Gabba Gabba. That show is just freaking WEIRD, yet even the baby stares at it if it's on. And the songs stick in my head for days.

6. My local nemesis. He's an overbearing stay-at-home dad I see around town all the time who has published a novel based on bashing the people in his playgroup. We've met countless times  and have kids the same age and he refuses to remember who I am or speak to me. And his kids are RUDE.

7. The head of NBC programming. First, there's the fact that Friday Night Lights, one of the best shows on television, is treated like a second-class citizen (WHEN are you putting it on the network? WHEN?). Then there's was the blatant idiocy of giving Leno 10 o'clock, screwing over Conan and Jimmy somewhat, not to mention all the quality shows that could have gone on then (ie Friday Night Lights, Criminal Intent). And now there's the end of the 10 o'clock show and all this stupid fighting. But I might let him/her eventually back for approving Community. I like that show.

8. The casting director of the Twilight series. Yeah, I got into the books. Though I'm still not sure why. But I haven't seen any of the movies and I never will. Robert Pattinson is not hot enough to be Edward and he never will be.

*I know that most, if not all, of these people are American citizens and can't technically be deported. But it sounds nicer than "shot".

A Hallmark Card and The Superbowl, All In One

Last night after putting the kids to bed, I curled up on the couch to watch the Emmys. I practically skipped with glee as I carried my popcorn to the living room. I had planned for it all day - nighttime chores skipped or done early, Hubby off at rehearsal. I think my excitement level matched the thrill I used to get going to a new club or seeing a new band, but this time I didn't have to shower.

Hot Guy doesn't understand my joy in watching the Emmys, the Oscars, the SAG awards and ANY sport in the Olympics. My reasoning is that when else do you get to watch people live their dreams? (yes, I have a totally sappy side than I manage to hide in public) I cried when Katherine Heigl and America Ferrara won last night. I always cry. I can watch Hallmark commercials and Lifetime movies without batting an eyelash, but let someone win an award or a medal with genuine joy and I need a box of tissues.

I am probably most passionate about the Emmys, though, since I've actually seen the majority of the shows and actors honored. I used to make sure to see all of the Oscar movies before the ceremony, but that was back when I was childless. Now I'm lucky if I've seen one. And since the only sport I watch during non-Olympic times is football, I'm pretty clueless about who really deserves the curling gold (oh, admit it, you've watched curling too!).

In spite of my excitement over some of the wins last night, I feel that the Emmys are too comventional and should allow for ties. So here are my personal Emmys:

Best Drama: The Sopranos/Friday Night Lights/Rescue Me
Best Comedy: Entourage, Ugly Betty
Best Actor in a Drama: James Gandolfini
Best Actress in a Drama: Edie Falco
Best Supporting Actor in a Drama: Taylor Kitsch in Friday Night Lights, T.R. Knight from Grey's Anatomy
Best Supporting Actress in a Drama: Katherine Heigl for Grey's, Connie Britton for Friday Night Lights,

(seeing my Friday Night Lights theme yet, people? Watch the show. Please.)

Best Actor in a Comedy: Jason Lee for My Name is Earl
Best Actross in a Comedy: America Ferrara for Ugly Betty
Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy: Jeremy Piven for Entourage, Kevin Dillon for Entourage
Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy: any female cast member of Ugly Betty

So, what do you think? Did you watch the Emmys? Do you care? Who would be on your Emmy list?