Dear Twihards. . .

I've never really been into Twilight. I read the books. Well, I read the first book and the last book, because that's how the library gave them to me and I really didn't care enough to find out what happened in the middle.

The writing and the (lack of) character development didn't exactly move me.

But I was excited to see the movies. Good acting can make up for a multitude of sins and I had high hopes. Until I found out that Robert Pattinson had been cast as Edward. I have nothing against Robert Pattinson, but he's no Edward. Edward, I thought, was supposed to be sexy. And manly. And did I mention sexy?

Taylor Kitsch

When I expressed my position that they were ruining the film by miscasting it, someone pointed out that they were trying to appeal to teenage girls, not 40 year old women. Why not this guy, then?

Zach Gilford

I still love me some Friday Night Lights. 

Anyway, friends assured me that Robert Pattinson would grow on me. He didn't. We won't even get started on the disappointment that is Taylor Lautner (again, not him personally, just for the role). And the only thing I've ever liked about Kristen Stewart is her perceived bitchiness in interviews. 

So I haven't actually seen any Twilight movie in its entirety. But because I'm a consumer of pop culture, I feel like I have. And really? 

I'm not the least bit surprised that Kristen and Rob have broken up. I'm not even all that surprised that she cheated. They have no chemistry. I am surprised that she chose a guy my age instead of whichever Hemsworth was in the Snow White movie with her (yes I could Google it, but then I'd just spend 4 hours trying to decide which Hemsworth is my favorite) or at least Kellan Lutz. But there's no accounting for chemistry. Or manipulation of starlets. 

I know that there are a lot of heartbroken Twilight fans out there. I am tempted to make fun of them, but:

1. I don't have the funds to hire a bodyguard, like I hope Kristen Stewart has done, and

2. I'm not sure how I would react if any of my Friday Night Lights actors had actually fallen in love with one another and then I found out that one of them had cheated on the other. 

So in the interests of not being a hypocrite, I will just say this: 

Once upon a time, the world was pretty pissed at Brad Pitt for cheating on Jennifer Aniston. Before that, they were pissed at Hugh Grant for cheating on Elizabeth Hurley. Now all of these people are better off apart. Sure, it was a shitty thing for Kristen to do. But Rob is better off without her. So calm down, okay? 

Also, this never would have happened if they'd cast Taylor Kitsch as Edward. 

People Who Need to Be Deported* (With Apologies to Dr. King)

I am sorry to post this blog on your day, Dr. King. I know that it is the opposite of tolerance and love for fellow man, but I feel like you would understand.

This may be a foreshadowing of the grumpy old lady I'm becoming, in which case I look forward to smacking these people with my cane someday. . .

1. Pat Robertson. For being everything that's wrong with today's Evangelical movement as well as a bigoted ignoramus. Jesus would be helping in Haiti, asshole.

2. The Jersey Shore cast. Not because they're ignorant trash who are making more money than I am, but because ONLY ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY.  Spending a summer on the Jersey shore does not make you from New Jersey, capiche?

3. John Gosselin. It's not like he spends time with his kids any more anyway, and maybe all of his young girlfriends would follow him. Although this whole story is a great case in point about the dangers of marrying young and treating your husband like one of the kids.

4. Glenn Beck. Pandering to the ignorant is so mercenary.

5.The creator of Yo Gabba Gabba. That show is just freaking WEIRD, yet even the baby stares at it if it's on. And the songs stick in my head for days.

6. My local nemesis. He's an overbearing stay-at-home dad I see around town all the time who has published a novel based on bashing the people in his playgroup. We've met countless times  and have kids the same age and he refuses to remember who I am or speak to me. And his kids are RUDE.

7. The head of NBC programming. First, there's the fact that Friday Night Lights, one of the best shows on television, is treated like a second-class citizen (WHEN are you putting it on the network? WHEN?). Then there's was the blatant idiocy of giving Leno 10 o'clock, screwing over Conan and Jimmy somewhat, not to mention all the quality shows that could have gone on then (ie Friday Night Lights, Criminal Intent). And now there's the end of the 10 o'clock show and all this stupid fighting. But I might let him/her eventually back for approving Community. I like that show.

8. The casting director of the Twilight series. Yeah, I got into the books. Though I'm still not sure why. But I haven't seen any of the movies and I never will. Robert Pattinson is not hot enough to be Edward and he never will be.

*I know that most, if not all, of these people are American citizens and can't technically be deported. But it sounds nicer than "shot".