Dear Future Dance Mom

Dear Future Dance Mom,

     Five years ago, I was you. It felt weird, putting lipstick on my little girl and leaving her backstage with acquaintances at best. For three hours. At least. The whole recital process seemed so daunting. My little girl kept saying that dance was hard work. I was worried that I was some kind of pushy stage mom. I thought maybe we should quit. Of course, when I picked her up from the recital, all she could talk about was how much fun she had had backstage. In fact, she may have enjoyed that part even more than being on stage.
      And every year, even as we did gymnastics and theater and swimming and Irish Dance and beading and soccer, she wanted to keep taking dance. I think, some years, it was just because she loved her teacher. But that was okay. I think dance is a lifelong exercise option, like swimming and martial arts, so I was happy that she was doing it, whatever the reason. Each year, the recital got less daunting. I realized that the backstage volunteers were not only watching my kid, they were rooting for her. I noticed how the older girls encouraged the younger ones. I noticed my kid being excited as she mastered each new step and stretch.
      Suddenly this year I was the one introducing myself to moms of little girls, assuring them I would help with tap shoes and snacks and bathroom breaks during one of the recitals. Suddenly I was not only proud of my kiddo in her numerous dances, I was impressed by her skills. Suddenly I was not only entrusting my daughter's care to all these fabulous backstage moms and friends, I was entrusting her many costume changes, hair styles and make up looks. And it was great.
     But I do have a few tips, or suggestions, on how to prepare for becoming a dance mom. Especially if you think your daughter may want to join a dance team or company in the next couple of years:

• Learn to sew. I will never forgive myself for taking graphic arts instead of sewing in junior high. Sure, it SOUNDED cooler and more feminist, but no one has asked me to silkscreen anything in the last 30 years. Can't say the same about sewing. 
• Just start carrying safety pins and Advil in your purse now. You'll thank me later.
• Perfect a completely neutral facial expression in front of a mirror. Now make sure you can use it when you're terribly nervous or filled with anxiety. 
• Start socking money away for dance gear, especially shoes. So many different kinds of shoes. 

                                                                                                  Sincerely,

                                                                                           A Current Dance Mom

Behind the Scenes As An Actual Dance Mom

On Saturday, we attended our second dance competition. This is what it was like.

5:30am : My alarm goes off because I'm still under the impression that we have to be there at 7:30.
Really need to get better at checking email at night.

5:45am: Ironflower's alarm goes off and she starts getting dressed in her tights, warm up suit and t-shirt that we laid out the night before. I am still slathering on make-up so that I don't frighten anyone.

6:00am: Realize that we don't have to be there until 8:00am. Finish checking email.

6:15am: Do Ironflower's first hairdo. We have been prepping for smoother hair (Ironflower's lovely waves are very hard to tame into competition hair) for several days so the process isn't that painful. Make sure we have everything and hug the always early-to-rise boys.

6:55am: Stop at Dunkin Donuts. Feel like a pageant mom as I ply my child with sugar and myself with caffeine.
7:15am: Drive to random middle school where competition is being held.
7:48am: Arrive at competition site and try to ascertain which door will be open so as to choose best parking spot. Fail miserably.
8:00am: Discover we are sharing room with 5 other schools, all of whom glare at us. They refuse to move even a bit to give us room - we're crowded into a corner and only 4 of us have arrived. This is totally unlike the last competition where people from other schools were nice and friendly. One of our owners fixes this promptly and we soon have our own small room.
8:20am: Discover that I will have to do all of Ironflower's make-up this time. Try not to
              hyperventilate.
8:30am: Another mom does eyeliner for me as I can't even put eyeliner on myself. Lovely make-up
              ladies put on rhinestones for us before they have to run to other jobs.
9:00am:

9:05am: Girls go to the backstage holding area, moms go in to watch. I sit with my mom. Am so relieved that music is not as horribly loud as last competition.
9:17am: First group from our school goes. I tear up a little while screaming loudly. As one does.
9:20am - 9:40am: Other groups go. Am generally not impressed. Try not to turn into competitive dance mom. Fail miserably.
9:42am: Ironflower and her team go. I tear up a lot while screaming like a banshee. They look
              even better than they did last time. They have improved so much.
9:50am: Meet up with girls in hallway and congratulate them. Take their team picture in front of
               competition back drop. Ironflower manages to convince her Grammy that she needs a
               competition teddy bear.
10:00am: Cannot believe it is only 10am. Our next dance isn't for a while, so girls settle in to watch a movie and color. I cannot convince Ironflower to eat, but my body thinks it's lunchtime.
10:40am: Hear report that man outside is ranting about some dance teacher insulting his daughter and/or her school. There is alleged foot stomping. Am so tempted to go check out real life Dance Moms moment, but manage to restrain myself. Hang with my mom for a bit before she heads home.
11:00am: We are not due to go on again until 1:15, but we hear it will probably be sooner. Everyone starts getting ready for the production number. There are 20 girls, 12 of whom need red glitter on their lips, 6 of whom also need their rhinestones. It is hectic.
11:05am: Attack Ironflower's hair to tame it into bun. Begin to sweat.
11:45am: A veteran mom does eyeshadow and one of our fearless leaders does lip glitter, but I do
manage to trace over Ironflower's eyeliner. Feel oddly proud.

12:00pm: Girls assemble in hallway to head backstage. Love how the older girls are assigned younger
girls to keep an eye on. These older girls? Are wonderful. A bunch showed up early to cheer the younger ones on and they are just so great with them. Already getting teary again. PMS and dance competitions not a good combo for my mascara.
Sometime before 1pm: Our production number goes on and I have never, ever, ever seen them light
up the stage like this. They have the people screaming for them who aren't even from our school, which basically never happens.
1pmish: Take picture of girls by convention backdrop and praise them. Then quickly change Ironflower into warm up suit without ruining her hair (they all wanted to leave their hairdos
in so people could recognize them) and make sure I collect all costume pieces and whatnot. Run everything to the car so we can leave when awards are done.
1:15pm: Awards - 45 minutes early! Last time I was seated in front of a woman who had an AIR  HORN. This time I make sure there is no one behind me. I try to explain the points and the levels and the overalls to one of the girls' aunts, but I barely understand it myself. And it changes from competition to competition.

The other group from our school scores very well and comes in first in their division. Ironflower's group scores pretty well, but there are no overalls for their division so we have no idea how they placed. The production number gets a very high score, but no trophy or overall high score.

2:00pm: I can tell, as soon as I see Ironflower, that she is upset. She doesn't understand why the production didn't get a trophy, why her small group didn't get to hear how they placed. I don't really get it all either, but I do remind her that she's doing this to become a better dancer and be on a team, not to get trophies. And I say I've never seen her dance better, that all the groups were amazing and should be so proud.

ETA: It turns out that the production number did get a trophy for overall junior production, it     was just presented on Sunday and we couldn't get there on Sunday.

2:30pm: We leave the competition and I feel exhausted. Ironflower has become philosophical about the award situation and has reminded me that they can't give all the awards to one school, as then the other schools would just give up and stop coming to that competition. I don't know if this is actually true, but it sounds plausible.

I love this time with my daughter, to be honest. But I am bummed I missed Hugmonkey's first kickball game and Lovebug's first slide into first base. Luckily next weekend is just about being a baseball/kickball mom.
                     

Being A Theater Mom Is Better Than Being A Sports Mom

My oldest kid is only 9, so I'm not claiming to be an expert dance mom, swim mom, soccer mom, basketball mom, baseball mom OR theater mom. But I have actually been all of those things - in the last year, even.  Lovebug hasn't fully decided which sport(s) he will play at the travel level next year (we have a no travel until third grade rule), so my only experience of a serious "Mom" commitment is dance.

But I already know this; I like being a dance mom and and a swim mom more than the others. 

We have never pushed our kids into any activities. We've always been, "Oh, this is happening, do you want to try it?" Ironflower has always wanted to try EVERYTHING; we've actually had to turn down a few things (like ice-skating and horseback riding) just so she could have free time. . . .and we could eat. 

Anyway, we're so not pushy, but we try to be supportive. Which means going to a lot of games and performances. And I'll be honest with you, watching my kids play soccer, basketball and baseball reminds me of being pregnant. 

I was happy to be pregnant and my pregnancies were all relatively smooth. But as happy as I was? I was filled with anxiety all the time. I couldn't see what was going on in there, let alone control it. Or predict what would happen when. And eventually I became horribly uncomfortable and couldn't sleep. 

I haven't gotten to the no sleeping point with sports yet, but I bet it happens if Lovebug plays travel basketball next year. Much as I love to watch my kids play sports, it fills me with a terrible anxiety. Maybe if I'd had some athletic gifts to pass on to them, I'd be able to handle it better, I don't know. 

Of course, I never swam competitively (or danced competitively, though I did dance) and I don't get the same anxiety while watching them.  I think it's mostly because the actions are already planned out - do the dance you've been practicing for months, do the stroke you've been practicing for years. Even if you don't win, you can feel like you've done well. Mistakes tend to be minor. Whereas a mistake during baseball can mean a concussion. Or the team being mad at you. Or a large bruise. Or losing the entire game. Or. . . .I don't think this list is helping my anxiety.

I like watching practice best. 

But even better than swim and dance is theater.

And not just because I was a theater geek in school. When they're in a play, they know EXACTLY what to expect and EXACTLY what they're supposed to do. They're not going to strike out or get hit in the face with a soccer ball or mess up a lift and split their chin open or miss the winning basket or slip during competition, all of which has happened to my kids. In the last year.

You know what happened during Theater Week this year? Some kid said one of Ironflower's lines during one performance. That's my kind of trauma.

So when I say "better", I'm not making judgments on your kids' activities or which activities require the most parent devotion or which ones have the best behaved parents. I'm saying that being a theater parent is much better for my emotional health than any of their other activities.

Which probably guarantees that my kids will get really into wrestling next year.

How do you feel when your kids perform and/or compete? Do you have a preference?