It's not that I claim to be a parenting expert or anything. I suppose I've got some basics figured out - don't smack them upside the head even when they deserve it, keep them clean and fed, don't let them watch R-rated movies, always have extra diapers. I also thought that encouraging them to learn the basic life skills was a good idea. And it appears that I'm in the minority on this.
Yesterday at Ironflower's dance class, I observed another four year old come in, plop down on the dressing room floor and hold her feet up. Her mother then removed her shoes for her. I nearly fell off the bench. This mom has always seemed perfectly sane to me. I subtly checked out the other girls and moms and it was all the same. Seemingly loving and normal moms removing shoes and clothes for their able-bodied kids. After class it was the same thing - Ironflower is the only one expected to dress herself and ask if she needs help. All the other moms dress their four year olds.
And yet I'm really bothered that almost three year old Lovebug can't/won't put on his own shoes. He also needs help removing shirts because he has such a big head. (No, seriously, it's that big. I'm going to be helping him in that department until he's like 8 or so, I swear.) But even he's been taking off his own shoes forever. And he takes off everything else and we're working on dressing himself.
At first I was all proud of my kids and their skills. But then I realized that maybe these kids CAN do all of these things, they just don't have to. And I started to wonder if I should be doing these things for my kids too. Am I forcing them to be too independent? Should they just expect me to take their shoes off for them?
Fortunately I then remembered that martyrdom does not become me, so this is all really moot. Independent kids make a much less stressed Jerseygirl. In fact, I've even got Ironflower helping Lovebug with his shoes now, so frustrated have I become trying to teach him (or will him, rather) to put on his slip-on shoes. And we're all a little happier in the morning.
But still, is this forced independence going to make them feel unloved? Or are those other kids being taught that they're incapable? What are your thoughts?
PS - Leslie over at My Mommy's Place is having another one of her haiku contests. Check it out!
16 comments:
cool blog you have here. My mom made us kids do our chores...and it only made me a better person!
My oldest is lazy and always wants help but my youngest has dressed himself since he was about 3.
Very funny to read this post. I have a 14 year old and an 11 year old. I have had an ongoing battle with Dear Mother Of Mine for at least 12 of these 14 years.
I expected my kids to do a lot for themselves at very young ages. (I have a driving insanity to make sure that in a worst case calamity scenario, they will be OK.) Dear Mother feels differently. She says I am a terrible mom.
She made my brown bag lunches for me when I was in high school. And I absolutely swear to you she continued to do my laundry after I got married. It was like a cleaning delivery service, only free.
Hence, my need for independent children. I knew how to do NOTHING when I entered the matrimonial state.
The Laundry List of My Terrible Mom Ways includes but is not limited to the following:
I have not made breakfast or lunch for my children in at least 5 years.
They are to wake themselves up EVERY morning and will be in big trouble should they miss the bus.
They are NOT to wake me up until they say goodbye (which is mandatory) if I should still be asleep.
I do not pick out outfits, iron clothes or pack backpacks.
Plus . . . oh, so much more . . . it has been our way of life for a very long time.
The point of all this blather is that I truly believe that my children are better for it.
My son makes a killer grilled chicken with caramelized onions over fettucine in a white wine sauce. If he does not win the love of a female with his culinary skills - his ironing perfection will surely do her in. And if all else fails he will be a neat, well-nourished bachelor.
My daughter can whip up a bagged lunch, make an egg sandwich for breakfast, shower, dress and pack up her schoolwork in a mere 20 minutes. She has it down to a science.
And at the end of it all, I get gently roused from a wonderfully peaceful slumber to hear the sweet voices saying "Bye mom, love you, have a good day" and there you have it. No demanding, no fighting, no "I want, I need, Go get" They are self sufficient and happier for it. And I am definitely happier for it. And you know what they say - "A Happy Mama makes a Happy Family."
Be true to yourself here. I have felt like such an outsider for years as the only mom who gets in the car to drive while the kiddies hopped in and did their carseat belts etc. , moved on with my morning while preschoolers unzipped their jackets and fished around in their backpacks for library books etc. Over the years this progressed to them figuring out what their homework is, organizing their soccer bags, and while appreciative teachers and coaches gave me some validation, this empowerment has made for some pretty awesome teens and young adults.
Like you, the other kind of nurturing didn't come natural, and you know what, it isn't supposed to. Hope I don't sound self-righteous, but being in total control at the expense of their common sense skills is a kind of neglect , not the other way around.
"But still, is this forced independence going to make them feel unloved? Or are those other kids being taught that they’re incapable?"
Neither. I dress my four-year old and don't give it too much thought. I suppose it would be cool if he did it himself, once less thing for me to do, but I hardly think he'll grow up feeling incapable. And obvs your children won't feel unloved. Do they even notice? I'm impatient and right now it feels easier to do it myself. It's a total parental failure, but I collect those.
I'm not a parent but I've helped raise one child and am lovingly watching another, and I agree with you completely. Being a mom is already a hard job; it shouldn't come with the subheading "servant" too.
Okay, I have to say I am commenting on this as a parent and a teacher. As a parent, I enjoy doing a lot of things for my little guy (17 months), but I see how proud of himself he becomes when he does even the smallest thing for himself, and I figure if I do my job well, he will depend on me less and less. The last thing I want is for our family to be on "Dr. Phil" talking about my 26 year old son who still expects me to his laundry, fix him meals, etc.!
As a teacher, I think kids need to feel successful, and that starts at home with doing things you can do for yourself. Plus, it avoids power struggles with kids who need control.
I am completely with you on this, Jerseygirl. Even if parents don't mind doing everything for their children, it doesn't mean they should,
Goodbad - Thank you!
Travis - So you're saying I can't change Lovebug's personality? :)
DMLD - Teach me your secrets, wise one.
Deb - That is so reassuring. Do your kids want to come over and baby-sit?
Andrea - Good point - this dressing/not dressing is probably not what will drive them to therapy.
Miss Johnson - Your family will never wind up on Dr.Phil! I hadn't even thought of the power struggle angle - but it's an excellent point. Thanks.
With my oldest, I always helped him do EVERYTHING because it seemed so much easier to do it myself rather than teach him and then wait around for him to actually do it himself. With my second I realized that teaching them might be a pain in the butt, but it is so much nicer when they can do stuff themselves! Cindy-Lu is way more independent than her older brother ever has been. It's nice. :)
Oh, and I had a big headed kid too. At some point, around 4 if I remember correctly, he grew into his head and now he's normal. Thank the Lord. ;) I have actually had to CUT shirts off of him, because they just wouldn't come back up over his big head.
I don't know about shoulds, but if it helps? I still sometimes need help getting a shirt off over my head. And so does 40 yr old hubs!
teaching kids to do for themselves makes them stronger, independent and capable individuals.
Please stay in the minority on this. It drives me bonkers to see parents enable that kind of dependency.
I struggle with this everyday. Like you said, this issue isn't going to send them to therapy, but my inner voice is constantly scolding me for putting the shoes on for my 3 1/2 year who is completey capable of doing it himself. It's that balance between raising indepedent kids, and just getting out the door...or onto the dance floor as the case may be! Thanks for a great blog!
re: the big head thing - I had to cut a bit of shirts for my son to be able to wear them. My daughter seems to have the same issue.
I am guilty of dressing the kids only because of my own impatience. I want to go now and it will be just so much faster if I do it.
This is why I love Mommy bloggers. You wrote this almost a year ago, but don't you know, I'm going through this right now with BigBoy and Baby. I too often question what I have my kids do compared to others. I say that and hear the old addage, "men compete, women compare." I just want to know that I can look myself straight in the mirror and if I don't crack up then at least I can smile and know that I'm doing a good job. Cheers! I love your site and am a fan!
With my oldest, I always helped him do EVERYTHING because it seemed so much easier to do it myself rather than teach him and then wait around for him to actually do it himself. With my second I realized that teaching them might be a pain in the butt, but it is so much nicer when they can do stuff themselves! Cindy-Lu is way more independent than her older brother ever has been. It's nice. :)
Oh, and I had a big headed kid too. At some point, around 4 if I remember correctly, he grew into his head and now he's normal. Thank the Lord. ;) I have actually had to CUT shirts off of him, because they just wouldn't come back up over his big head.
re: the big head thing - I had to cut a bit of shirts for my son to be able to wear them. My daughter seems to have the same issue.
I am guilty of dressing the kids only because of my own impatience. I want to go now and it will be just so much faster if I do it.
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