Move, Asshole!

Over on Mushroom Printing, it's Shut Your Whore Mouth Monday, aka, SYWMM. That means you can rant on your own blog or in the comments about someone who needs to shut the fuck up. I keep forgetting to do it, because I'm disorganized where blogging is concerned. But today I remembered and I conveniently have the perfect candidate: A guy named Thomas.

Thomas recently wrote to the local paper about how terrible it was that our town has ended rear yard trash pick up. This means that instead of just leaving trash cans by our back doors, we actually have to bring them all the way to the curb! (Actually, we always had to do this on my street, but I digress) Even when it's raining or snowing! You can see why Thomas is so upset, can't you? Especially when the cost for rear yard trash pick up is just slightly more than dental insurance for Board of Education employees*. Thomas thinks it's unfair our taxes are going to pay for the dental insurance of the professionals who educate our children when instead those taxes could be making sure that he doesn't have to haul his trash cans out in the rain!

I am not making this up.

He sees this as 115 families (those that are employed by the Board of Ed) versus 2200 families (those who live in town). Not, you know, that dental insurance is included with Board of Ed jobs everywhere and most people don't have rear yard trash pick up because it's really not that freaking hard to roll the can down the driveway once a week. And not only does he think this, he wrote to the paper about it. After the whole trash pick up thing had already been decided. Last year.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Thomas doesn't respect teachers all that much.

I wonder if Thomas gets dental insurance through his own job? (Which, according to my short Google research, could be a little shady). I wonder how he'd feel if his boss cut dental insurance for his employees so the boss could have a limo take him to and from work?

I can't believe I spent 10 minutes researching this guy. I wish he'd SHUT HIS WHORE MOUTH.

*Can you believe rear yard trash pick up for a very small town costs more than dental insurance for over a hundred families? Do you want to start a trash company with me? 

Why I'll Never Be Popular At School Functions

A few weeks ago, Ironflower participated in something called "Theater Week". I could write an entire post about how proud I was that she got over her perceived stage fright and just loved the experience. But really, I kinda suck at those kinds of posts. I could also write about how "Theater Week" is a great racket for an out of work actress who winds up essentially narrating the vast majority of the show and telling the parents to clap every 30 seconds. But that would be so cynical.

So instead I'll pick on the school organization that sponsored Theater Week. This organization does many wonderful things for the schools and community and many wonderful parents (okay, moms, but let's pretend I live a less sexist life, mmmmkay?) are a part of it. When they called to tell me that I had not, in fact, paid them dues this year and how this meant Ironflower would be lower down on the list for Theater Week, I paid the dues. I get that dues = money for Theater Week. I had no problem when I had to volunteer for Theater Week, either. That's how these privileges work.

My problem came while I was volunteering. I had signed up for an afternoon rehearsal and was assigned to selling tickets. The woman I was helping was in charge of the tickets and completely, wonderfully organized. We had a lot of time to chat. When I mentioned maybe I would join the Theater Week committee when the youngest hit kindergarten, she explained that it was a 2 year commitment. And that you didn't get to pick what committee you were on, the President did that. She herself had been picked for Theater Week even though her sons were in 7th and 8th grade (too old to participate) and they had gone to private school until they were in 5th, thus missing Theater Week entirely. Later on I discovered that she was missing her son's basketball game to be sitting there selling tickets.

Really????????????????????? (said in the style of Amy Poehler)


Over one hundred children participated in Theater Week. Am I supposed to believe that not one of their mothers was capable of handling ticket sales? It just seems so heavy-handed and controlling. A nasty way to treat volunteers, even. I know that it takes a village and all that, but does being part of the village mean you ignore your own children?

Of course, this could just be typical school organization behavior. I wouldn't know. I generally volunteer with classroom stuff. And when I was teaching, we didn't even have much of a PTO, let alone other organizations. We would have let volunteers help in any way they wanted, we were so desperate for them.

Sitcom or Soap Opera?

Yesterday I had a sitcom moment. Something that happened was just so patently ridiculous that it belonged on a sitcom. A really bad sitcom, possibly starring Tim Allen and/or Jim Belushi.

I was in the swimming class observation area at the Y, which I think at least has the potential to be an SNL sketch, what with all the competimommies and screaming toddlers and older siblings resentfully doing their homework. Or possibly I just have low entertainment standards. Anyway, I was eavesdropping on the people on the bench in front me. 

I noticed her at first because of the tight low-waisted jeans. The average mom around here might have a rockin' body , but she doesn't display it at swim lessons (despite what The Real Housewives of New Jersey may have led you to believe). I assumed at first she was a nanny, which is why I started eavesdropping. Because in addition to the sexy jeans, she was touching the guy's arm a lot and tossing her hair. And if I can't have my own nanny, I might as well enjoy some possible nanny scandal, right? 

Schadenfreude. It's a tribute to my husband's German heritage. Like you've never felt it. 

Anyway, as I listened to their conversation, I realized she was a mom. A mom not married to the guy she was totally flirting with, whose own wife was apparently in the locker room with their kid. Just when I had convinced myself that some women are flirty with all men and it doesn't mean anything, she went straight into caricature mode. 

She stood. Then she leaned forward and wiggled her behind while she seemed to be picking something up. The view for the guy (and me, unfortunately sitting behind him) was sort of like this: 

But with wiggling. 

Then she looked back and grinned at him. That's when I thought of Tim Allen. I could see this happening to him on one of his shows, this woman being such a one-dimensional vixen, and no one believing that she'd hit on him until they realized she'd hit on every guy in the show. Or something like that. 

I may have giggled out loud as she tossed her hair (again) and  turned to look at him. I don't know if it was the giggle or the guy's wife coming back that caused her to stand and start  acting like a real person again. 

A real person who glared at me. I wanted to say, "Hey lady, I'm not the one acting like a bad sitcom vixen!" But instead I stared at my phone screen like someone had just texted me something funny. As I watched her out of the corner of my eye (wouldn't you?), I saw her wink at the guy before he left. While she was talking to his wife. 

Maybe it was more like a soap opera than a sitcom, come to think of it. 

Although if they were already having some sort of affair, they would be more circumspect, wouldn't they? And she wouldn't be trying that hard, right? I mean, I never even tried that hard when I was single and in a club, unless I was really, really, really drunk and the guy was really, really hot. And then I don't think it ever worked. So what do I know? 

That sitcoms are meant to be exaggerated and ridiculous and the people at my Y shouldn't be, that's what. 

Mommy Blogger on Mommy Blogger Crime

I spend way too much time on the computer, yet there are still whole days that go by where I have no idea what's trending on Twitter or what my favorite bloggers have written. Okay, maybe not ENTIRE days, but long stretches of them. There's raising my children, making sure we have clean dishes, clothes and bathrooms (er, and sometimes I clean other stuff too - just not very often), volunteering here and there, "talking" to my husband, actually writing, occasionally going to the gym, reading and of course watching crappy television. I be busy, yo.

Or at least that's my excuse for apparently missing out on an entire subgroup within the mommy blogging community. It could also be that I don't pay enough attention to other bloggers' comment sections.

I know that there are people out there who have nothing better to do than to leave nasty comments on the internet. I know that some of them leave their nasty comments on blogs rather than FoxNews.com. I know that other, more famous/controversial/talented bloggers get things like hate mail and nasty comments. But I didn't know that there are entire blogs written just to insult these bloggers.

Every once in a while, I read something on a blog that really annoys me. Or I have thought like, "Gee, you're kind of a bitch/dumbass/douchebag," while reading. You know what I do then? I stop reading the damn blog. Maybe I'll even unfollow it or something, like when I accidentally found myself reading someone praising Michele Bachmann. And then I totally forget about it, because there are approximately a million other blogs I enjoy reading, plus all that kid wrangling, cleaning and writing I gotta do every day.

I cannot fathom taking my dislike of these bloggers (or, really, their posts, since I don't actually know any of them) and turning it into a blog about how awful they are. Which is really something, considering that I'm kind of a misanthrope. I guess I'm just a misanthrope who has a life.

Yesterday, when I discovered one of these blogs, I read several posts in fascination. Apparently, the angry blogger had a legitimate and fundamental disagreement with the bloggers whom she was  mocking. But instead of writing about her reasoning, using statistics and facts. . .she decided to just deface pictures of the other bloggers and call them names. I am guessing that the angry blogger is also a fan of Ann Coulter's, or at least a student at the Glenn Beck School of Debate. Notice how I just made fun of the angry blogger without calling names or doing anything else abusive?

One of the posts I read made fun of The Mom Pledge. I mean, of course it did, considering the sole purpose of the blog is to stalk, bully and insult other bloggers. But do you know that when I first signed the pledge I had no idea that it was about anything more than nasty comments? Yeah, apparently I'm not just naive about dental dams. Am I the only one this naive or did you all know about these mean blogs? Have you read any of them? Can you please tell me what the hell is wrong with these people? 

I do not understand reading and memorizing the words of a blogger I hate, then spending my precious writing time blogging about them. I understand being jealous of people. I understand hating people. Though, for me, those groups tend to be mutually exclusive (though I wouldn't mind Sarah Palin's income, I'm not jealous of how she gets it, you know?). But even if I found someone who fit in both categories, why would I torture myself reading them? And then let my insecure inner 8th grader (that was a really bad year for me, socially and fashion-wise) roam free on the internet sharing all my bitchy thoughts? 

I mean, I still feel bad about the girl I made fun of when I was actually in 8th grade (in my defense, it was only twice, whereas I was made fun of every single day in social studies class. Though not by that poor girl. It was a bunch of boys. I will still not friend any of them on Facebook, no matter how many times their damn names pop up. So there.). I am not proud of my inner insecure, awkward, mean junior high school girl. 

What are your thoughts?