Seven Drafts Worth of Crazy

I have 7 draft posts in my posts folder right now.

( In the spirit of authenticity, I should confess that there are 7 draft posts at the TOP of my folder right now and I actually don't know how many there are all together. But that seemed wordy for an opening sentence.)

That's how many posts I've attempted to write since January, when I had every intention of going back to blogging (again).

I've been blogging since 2007 and I'm not sure when it transitioned from something that helped my depression/anxiety/general weirdness to something that I avoided when I was feel especially anxious and/or depressed, but transition it did.

I also stopped feeling comfortable telling my kids' stories, which made me question which stories of my own I could tell. There were a lot of stories that I didn't feel I could tell here, for various reasons. Like I sort of wanted to write about my job, but I knew if I deeply examined my feelings about the job - the job I bragged about on Facebook and that would have been my dream job in 2007 - I would get even worse at it.

To be clear, I sucked so much at that job that they're not renewing my contract next year. And after digesting the massive blow to my self-esteem and my wallet, I realized that I did not, in fact, love what was supposed to be my dream job. I am tempted now to list exactly why I wasn't considered good at it, and why that's not entirely my fault and how their version of good isn't necessarily right but. . .

that's just my ego talking.

My ego is a loud bitch and she feels like we not only screwed up the job this year, but that we also screwed up a volunteer position that was dear to our heart. . . .

(You're noticing the weirdness thing now, aren't you?)

and she would like to populate this post with excuses. She would also like me to stop talking about her because, you know, . . . .

WEIRDNESS.

Anyway, the 7 drafts. Most of them are some version of this post - disorganized brain dumps that I'm not sure should ever be published. But clearly, until I publish a poorly organized, not clearly written brain dump I'm not going to be able to go back to actual blogging.

And I really do want to go back to actual blogging.

The Top Nine Reasons I Haven't Been Blogging Lately

Oh hey. How are you? It's been ages  - have you lost weight? You look terrific. I love what you've done with your hair. How are the kids? Can you believe how big they're getting? 


This is the conversation I'd be having with you if I hadn't seen you for a couple months in real life. Since I'm pretty sure there's only about 12 of you still reading, I could conceivably have this conversation with each of you. If I Facetimed you, as I don't think you all live in my town.

Not that I'm asking for your phone number.

I have a hard time on the phone with people I adore, so much as I appreciate your continued reading, I really do not want to call you.

But it feels weird just jumping back into the blog I've been ignoring for months without some kind of transition. When I see people I haven't seen in a while, I don't just jump in with a story about my life or a demand for money for whatever school fundraiser I'm supposed to be helping with. Well, maybe I do. . . but I know that I shouldn't.

This is the real reason that bloggers back from hiatus or break or breakdown write posts explaining their absences. I think. It's not that I want to write you a list of reasons (excuses) that I haven't been blogging, it's that I don't know how to transition back into blogging without writing you a list of excuses. So here goes. . . .

1. It was summer and my kids were home a lot.
2. I was trying to find a job that would be more lucrative than writing/blogging but still give me lots of flexibility to be around for my kids.
3. I've been blogging consistently since 2007 and I was burnt out.
4. I had my first mammogram and they found something. So then I had another mammogram and an ultrasound which show that it's PROBABLY benign, but I have to get checked again in 6 months.
5. I also had an abnormal pap smear that resulted in cryotherapy (which I don't recommend, btw), but now everything is fine.
6. I don't know what direction to take the blog. Back when I started blogging, blogs didn't have to have directions.
7. Probably not unrelated to the all the aforementioned: my ulcerative colitis flared for a while.
8. It is fall and soccer season has started, along with all the volunteering and the meetings.
9. Are you still reading this list? You're amazing. Or a stalker. Maybe both?

Things I Learned While I Wasn't Blogging

So I've had time to reflect during my hiatus. (That's what I'm gonna call it now. Like my blog is The Walking Dead or something.) Especially the last few days, while I was cleaning up kid vomit and letting my kids stare mindlessly at the screen because that's what I want to do when I feel crappy.

Their temperatures are lower today, so obviously the couch potato thing works. On viruses. Which my 3 years of Latin make me want to call "viri", but I don't because I realize that not everyone was a nerd in 7th grade.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, things I learned while I wasn't blogging.

1. I hated my header. So I made a new one. What do you think?
2. I hated my blog's entire look. 
3. I hated what I had written on my about page. Actually, all the pages.
4. I love not worrying about my pageviews.
5. I love writing.
6. I love having a clean and organized house (for the 15 minutes that it lasts). 
7. Being a super-popular blogger can make you crazy. Not that this is a concern for me.
8. I really meant it when I posted about stomping on the boxes. 
9. I don't think people who just post a different coupon every day should call themselves "bloggers". 
10. I love HersheyPark. 
11. I love Deep Creek Lake.
12. White wine no longer gives me a sinus headache. 
13. But 5 glasses of it and two gin and tonics still give me a hangover.
14. Canva and Prezi are really cool. 
15. I need to write more for other web sites. 
16. I need to be better about editing and revising. 
17. It's actually easier for me to work out early in the morning than it is for me to write coherently. 
18. My suspicion that sitting still during the day without a computer in front of me would lead to unplanned naps has been confirmed. 
19. It's really fun to just go do stuff with your family without mentally planning blog posts during the experience.
20. I missed reading my favorite blogs, though. 

Today

Hi.

I was going to explain how I got way behind with my blogging due to end of the school year stuff going on constantly.

And then I was going to explain how I got way behind with my blogging because the local pool opened and my children are part fish.

I was also going to mention my anxiety about Ironflower finishing primary school (our town has one preschool - third school and one fourth-eighth school) and Hugmonkey finishing preschool and be all, "OMG, I'm freaking out because my babies are growing up SO FAST".

But to be honest, I think I just needed a break.

A more responsible blogger probably would have waited until now to take her break, seeing as we're about to go away for a family reunion and a trip to a national dance competition (Note to potential burglars: a violent felon is housesitting for us, so please don't try to steal our one flat screen TV). But as any of my elementary school teachers would be happy to tell you (if they were still alive, I mean), I'm not especially responsible.

So I took my break and I'm not entirely sure that it's over.

Yeah, technically I'm blogging now and thus one could say that my break is over.

But since I'm not planning on restarting my typical blogging schedule and all the stuff that goes with it quite yet, as far as I'm concerned I'm still on break.

The lack of pinnable picture (or, you know, coherent thought) in this post should make that clear.

Continued approximately two weeks later: 

Our vacation was lovely. I should tell you about it.

But not today.

Today I'm still thinking about how this blog may change and how it may stay the same. Today I'm still trying to get my house in order. Today I'm still battling the massive fatigue that has started to encroach on my life in the last two months. Today I'm getting blood work, which will hopefully show that my (and my doctor's) suspicion of hypothyroidism is correct and can be easily fixed by medication. Today I'm just saying that I'm still around.

It's Been A Long Time

Before I start my real post, I just want to say happy engagement day to my husband. I love you. 

It was so, so, so sweet of Emily from Domestic Deadline to nominate me for this award. She asked about new blogs or those that didn't have a lot of followers, so I replied because even though I've been blogging forever (okay, since 2007) I don't have a lot of followers. Which I'd like to change, of course.

Anyway, I can't even remember the last time I did the whole award thing, but I think it's awesome that it's back and it's a great way to discover new blogs. This award is a little more challenging than the ones I remember from back in the day; you have to answer interview questions from the nominator, list 11 facts about yourself and nominate other blogs that are just getting started (or are small, in my case).

1. How long have you been blogging and why did you get started? I've been blogging since 2007, although I was a member of some online writing groups before that. I started because I loved to write and wanted to get over my fear of having other people read my work. 

2. What is one thing you wish you could do over?  Maybe start my blog knowing what I know now. :)

3. What is your favorite dessert? Probably a warm brownie with vanilla ice cream. But I'm happy with anything that involves chocolate. 

4. What is your favorite place in the world? I have so many places I love. I think as long as my family is with me and we're having fun together, any place is my favorite. 

5. Do you have a secret ingredient that you won’t share when you give out a recipe? I don't think I've ever given out a recipe. If I did, my secret would probably be that the recipe is really my husband's. 

6. What is your favorite color? Purple, green, black. . .it depends on whether we're talking about clothes or walls or flowers or. . . .You know what? I can love any color but orange. 

7. What is your favorite money saving tip? Buy ahead when it's on sale. When our favorite bread is on sale, I buy a bunch and store it in the freezer. I never run out and I never pay the full (over) price for it. 

8. Where would you go if you went on a dream vacation? I have a serious problem coming up with just one answer for anything. For me, it would be Italy and Greece. But for the family? Probably that Disney resort in Hawaii. 

9. What is your favorite thing to write about? Stuff that ticks me off. I love to vent. 

10. What was your favorite childhood toy and do you still have it? My dollhouses and yes, for the most part we still have them and all the furniture and dolls. Too bad none of my kids are really into them. 

11. What is one thing you do every single day? Eat? Sleep? Hug my kids? That's probably all I can be guaranteed to do every day. 

11 Random Facts About Me

1. Apparently I did do a get-to-know you meme in 2013. 

2. I hate coffee and its evil cousin, mocha.

3. I can read French but I can't speak it.

4. Besides New Jersey, I've lived in Boston, Portland, Seattle, and Kansas City.

5. I've never broken a bone.

6. I cannot keep plants alive.

7. I would much rather sing in the car than in the shower.

8. I would love to take tap lessons again.

9. I love talking about myself until someone asks me to talk about myself. Then I become self-conscious. Like I am about this post. 

10. My first crush was on Rick Springfield. 

11. The only kind of music I don't like is opera. 

My Nominees, not necessarily new bloggers but who definitely aren't getting the recognition they deserve: 

Melt Into the Text

BecominNeurotic

The Dawnie Project

My Mommy's Place

Surviving Mommyhood

Any one of you who wants to be tagged: leave a comment with a link to your (smallish) blog and I'll nominate you! 

My Questions:

1. How long have you been blogging and why did you get started? 

2. If you could have a day to yourself, what would you do?

3. What's your favorite guilty pleasure TV show?

4. What is your goal for your blog?

5. Who was your first celebrity crush?

6. Who is your favorite author?

7. Where have you lived?

8. Gold or silver?

9. What's your favorite thing to drink?

10. The beach or the mountains?

11. What's your favorite vegetable?

The Rules:

1. Thank the blog that presented you this award and link back to their blog. 
2. Answer the questions asked by your nominator, give 11 random facts about yourself. List 11 questions for your nominees. 
3. Nominate several blogs that you feel need the recognition that have fewer than 1000 followers. Contact the blogger to let them know they have been selected by email, commenting on a post, facebook, etc. 
4. Upload the Leibster Award image to your blog. 

A Love Letter to Blogging

ONE MOTHERFUCKING THOUSAND blog posts.

On this blog.

Well, not exactly. This blog used to be a blog called Dirty Little Secret. Because it was 2007, okay?

I didn't know any better.

Which is also why I called myself "Jerseygirl89".

This was taken right around when I started "Dirty Little Secret". 

This was taken a few months after I started blogging. 

I was on this group writing site, and it was dying, and everyone moved to Blogger so I did too. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I just knew that suddenly I was home with a toddler and an infant and that all my friends were at work during the day. I was lonely, dammit.

Also, anything to avoid vacuuming.

To further establish my clueless bona fides, I did not prepare a ginormous giveaway in honor of my ONE THOUSANDTH* post. Mainly because I didn't notice until about 5 days ago and it's not like brands are dying to have me host awesome giveaways. Unfortunately.

I guess my swearing, ranting, randomness, lack of editing and inability to choose a niche don't scream, "Brand Ambassador."

Oh fucking well.

• I started blogging because I love writing. 
• I started blogging because the idea of people reading anything I wrote used to scare the fuck out of me. 
• I started blogging because I didn't know how to make mom friends. 
• I started blogging because I didn't know what else to do. 

And I am so glad I did. This blog is like my fourth kid, if I had a kid who never threw up on me or talked back.

• Because of blogging, I have no fear of letting people read what I have written. 
• Because of blogging, I have "met" so many people I consider friends. 
• Because of blogging, I have been able to take my kids places we otherwise couldn't have afforded to go. 
• Because of blogging, I have (occasionally) earned money that we really needed. 
• Because of blogging, I have gotten so much love, support and advice when I really needed it. 
• Because of blogging, I didn't lose my mind when I became a full-time stay-at-home mom to two toddlers.

I feel honored that you are reading this post. I appreciate everyone who has stumbled here, even those people from Russia who stayed for .5 seconds. Thank you. Thank you all for letting me call myself a blogger.

I know it's not much, but I've got an Amazon Gift Card for one of my readers. It's only $25, but it's just to let you know that I really do appreciate you guys. Hopefully after my next thousand posts I'll be able to give away a car or something. :) 

Entry-Form

*Look, I don't accomplish much anymore, other than folding laundry and keeping tiny smallish humans alive. So 1000 posts means a lot to me, even though it's not a cure for cancer or the development of comfortable Spanx. My point is, I'm gonna spend the day bragging. Please excuse. 

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Every time I look at one of my social media feeds lately, it seems like that's the main message. Be afraid of taking your kids to the pool. Be afraid of taking your kids to the beach. Be afraid of taking your kids to the playground. Be afraid of letting them play in the front yard. Be afraid of letting your kids eat this, drink that, play this game or watch this movie.

I say this as a person who loves to read, who loves to be up on the latest studies and whose kids still hold hands in parking lots:

CALM THE FUCK DOWN, PEOPLE.

It's not like parenting isn't scary enough just knowing that your heart and soul is out there wondering around, being made fun of for not liking Justin Bieber or something equally stupid. It's not like it's not terrifying to be completely responsible for other human beings. So why do we have to make it worse?

I didn't use the site that Tracie uses, but this picture was inspired by her tips nonetheless. 

It's one thing when the local news does it. I mean, fear mongering is what they do best. But when bloggers do it, especially otherwise normal parenting and lifestyle bloggers do it, I get a little ranty. I get that parent blogging has gone beyond sharing funny and heartbreaking stories about our children into personal branding and sharing tips on how to do everything better, but do we really need to emulate the tabloids?

I read this great post on BlogHer about how this woman talks to her African-American sons, about the fear she has for them, especially in light of the death of Trayvon Martin. It's a thoughtful piece that deals with fear.

It's not the kind of post I'm ranting about. To begin with, it wasn't entitled, "Why I'm Afraid Whenever My Sons Drive At Night," or something else hysterical. And it didn't equate her son's brush with the cops with what happened to Trayvon. And it didn't tell me why I should never let my sons drive at night. Like I said, it was thoughtful.

Unlike these other posts; "Why You Should Never Bring Your Baby to the Beach!" "Dangers At the Local Pool!" "The Wii Made My Child Sick!" "My Child Was Stabbed By a Renegade Slide at Our Local Playground!"

Okay, fine. I made up the last one. But only the last one. Of course we'd all like more readers, more clicks and more income from our blogs, but does that mean we have to torment each other? It's one thing to talk about how your parenting choice is the best, it's another to terrify all the sleepy new mothers just discovering parenting blogs.

OMG, It's FINALLY The First Day of School

All three kids are starting school today. All three will be at the same school, even. The idea of them all being in the same place, with 2 of them on the same hours, kinda fills my heart with joy.

Okay, so does the idea of them going back to school. I love my kids to pieces, but I also love to be alone. And they love school, so it all works out. Our relaxing summer was great, but it was also long.

You know you've made the complete evolution from teacher to stay-at-home mom when you find the summers long. Of course, long as it was, we still only managed to do about half the things I wanted to do. Though when I was making these plans in my head, I really didn't get how much time it would take me to recover from that thing I said I would never talk about again. I also didn't realize how much writing for the content farm contributed to our entertainment budget.

So it's back to the gym and the content farm now that school is starting again. Did I mention that? And that all 3 kids are less than 5 minutes away? And Hugmonkey is going EVERY morning? I'm more excited than they are. I'm hoping to be able to exercise and write for money and still blog. Because I'm really enjoying blogging again.

My 3 high points of the summer were: our trips to the Bronx Zoo, watching Ironflower and Lovebug become great swimmers and discovering blogging again. What were yours?

Farewell, summer 2012. You were pretty awesome.

It's Not You, It's Me

Oh my poor neglected blog, I don't know what to say. It's not that I don't love you anymore. You've been there for me through so many trials and tribulations. You were there when I was an overwhelmed mom of a toddler and an infant, when I became a stay-at-home mom, when I moved halfway across the country and when I had baby number 3. You have introduced me to some of the most awesome people in the world. You are a part of my soul. But.

It's not just that I've been busier, blog. I mean, of course that's a big part of it. Being a stay-at-home mom of 2 kids too young for preschool, who nap for 3 hours every day, is way different from being a mom of 3 kids who have school and activities and homework. But it's not only that.

It's that I've become. . . . .well, bored. Not the soul-sucking boredom of watching Ironflower swim laps during her swim lesson without an iPhone to entertain me when it's not her turn, but boredom nonetheless. I just don't feel like writing about my parenting fails anymore. At least, not the ones that would allow me to blog on a regular basis. I read other great mommyesque  blogs like Mommy Wants Vodka and My Mommy's Place and Mom 101 and I am reminded of how much I love this genre. And how I just can't give you that kind of life, blog.

It's really not you, it's me.

Oh blog, don't cry. Seriously, you'll get my keyboard wet. I'm not breaking up with you.
I don't even want to "take a break" so I can bang (out) some other blog guilt-free. Although, have you ever considered another makeover? Your enthusiasm for them is infectious. Of course, I think you're beautiful just the way my limited web design skills could make you.

I'd just like to spice things up a little. Rekindle the way things were in the beginning, when we couldn't get enough of each other.  Maybe some role-play? Costumes? Movies? Threesomes? Okay, you're totally right about the threesomes. One of us has too many control issues for that. But I feel like we owe it to the 3 people who are still reading this blog to give them a better experience here. More consistent. More positive. More honest. More glittery.

Frankly, I need it too.

Naughty Blogger

I would like to say that I've been busy saving the world, or at least spring cleaning my house. (Of course, I would also like to say that I wear a size 4 and feed my children nothing but organic food but, uh, I can't say that either). I would like to have a good excuse for being such a lousy blogger, both post-wise and comment-wise, but I don't have one.

Between reading the whole Twilight saga (I didn't want to like it, I certainly didn't intend to) and trying to write more articles for cash, I've been slacking. Oh yeah, then there's that timesucker Facebook. And the fact that I've just been in a LOUSY freaking mood lately (I refuse to believe these things are related.)

So I've been a naughty blogger, and not in the fun way, either. So I'm sorry. Give me a few more days to get myself organized and I'll be back to normal, okay?