Gobsmacked By The Boobs

I'm pretty sure a woman caught me staring at her boobs today.

This would not be a big deal under normal circumstances. I stare at people all the time. Either because I'm thinking about something else or because I'm a nosy bitch. Or because I think I remember the person, but can't remember how. (I also eavesdrop compulsively. It's the writer in me. Or the nosy bitch part. Whatever.) Anyway, normally I smile when caught. Or escape behind a pile of produce.

But boob staring, that's a little different. I suppose if I were a guy or a lesbian, I'd have learned how to do this more subtly, but being a straight chick hasn't prepared me for such things.

I was. . . .gobsmacked by the boobs. (I have been reading too many books set in England. But it totally works here, doesn't it?)

My own have become rather disappointing lately. After nursing 3 kids and celebrating their 22nd year (approximately), their formerly perky fullness has deflated and now seems to be oozing toward my armpits.

So I may have been slightly jealous when I saw boobs that looked exactly like mine used to look. On a woman my age, no less.

On a woman, I'm pretty sure, who did not have them a few weeks ago.

Maybe she found the bra Holy Grail. Maybe that's what happens to her boobs when she gains a few pounds or gets preggo. Maybe she had implants. I don't know.

And while I do know who she is and she knows who I am (unfortunately), we're not on the kind of terms where I can say, "Oh my God, you stole the awesome boobs I had at 20! How?"

So I just stared like a 13 year old boy. Well, not really. There was no lust involved. It was envy. But I had all the finesse and class of a 13 year old. So it kinda works.

I know she saw me staring. I hope she thinks I'm just jealous and not that I'm having sexual fantasies about her. Not that there's anything wrong with having sexual fantasies about acquaintances, if that's your thing. But if I was having sexual fantasies about my acquaintances, I would never choose her.

(And why would I fantasize about acquaintances when Friday Night Lights will be back on in 2 days? And I can watch Curtis Stone on Celebrity Apprentice? And. . . uh, I think I'm getting off topic. )

I am sure I am blowing this out of proportion. Right?

Wanna See My Boobs, Part II

No, you really don't. I shouldn't think very many people would want to see them. Yet, the post with that title remains my most popular.

And it's not like it was a great post. Yes, it was an impassioned pro-breastfeeding post - but there are TONS of those on the internet these days (which is great, really). But the post is nothing special. Except that it has "boobs" in the title. Maybe I should put "boobs" in all of my titles? I bet I'd get a lot more clicks.

Though I really did start this intending to say a few words about my boobs. Before I had children, I had been quite satisfied with them. After nursing two kids, I do admit to fantasies about boob lifts (no implants, I'd just like them hiked up to where they used to be). But then I watched "Tribal Life" the other night. They were filming some tribe in Africa, I think. One of those tribes where no one wears a top. And where no woman has ever seen a bra.

And I began to feel a lot better about myself. Sure, they're not the way they were ten years ago, but they still look like boobs. They don't come close to touching my belly. I mean, one young woman in this tribe nursed a baby while the baby was lying on the ground and the young woman was sitting straight up. Straight up, I tell you. It made me cringe a bit.

So it made me think that maybe someone would actually want to see my boobs. That maybe the title wasn't as sarcastic as I'd thought.

Though it doesn't really matter. I'm not showing my boobs on the internet, unless it's in a breastfeeding picture. But it's nice to know I still could show them off, if I wanted.