Shut Up About Hilary Rosen, Already!

I was trying to write a comment on Angie's post "Sayonara Bitches!" and realized that I was basically writing a blog post. So. . . .

I left teaching after 10 years to stay at home with a then 18 month old Ironflower and a then 3 month old Lovebug. I tutored part time for about 6 months, until we moved to New Jersey. Since then I've had various writing gigs thanks to this blog and my addiction to the internet. Point being, I have been a working mom, a part time working mom, a work at home mom, a stay at home mom and you know what?

I've felt guilty no matter what.

Like most people who are not completely evil, I want to be a good parent. This leads to guilt. No matter what parenting philosophy you follow, some days you are going to screw it up. And then you're going to read some article or hear some news story about how moms who doing whatever you just did (leave your kid at daycare! Not leave your kid at daycare! Use formula! Bribe your kid with TV! Yell!) are more likely to have kids with learning problems/social problems/criminal records.

And that guilt, well, it makes us want to feel better about ourselves.

So we judge. You may have just let your kid watch 6 Baby Einstein videos because it's the only thing that makes her stop crying, but dammit you're better than that mother who feeds her kid McDonalds, RIGHT?

And goddess forbid that someone should seem to denigrate one of our parenting choices. If you just dealt with 2 years of sore nipples, mastitis, sleeping in 3 hour stretches and wearing ugly nursing bras all the time, you don't want to hear how formula is a valid choice. You want to smack that bitch with the comfy boobs and pretty bra. You want to know that your baby is going to Harvard and hers is going to juvenile detention. You want to know that you made the right choice, dammit.

This whole "Mommy Wars" thing is about the guilt and insecurity we all have. And how much the media loves to exploit it. They might as well have said, "Hey Ann Romney and women watching at home, does Hilary Rosen's comment make you feel bad about your choices? Are you feeling insecure? Call in so we can hear you make yourselves feel better by attacking her!"

The thing is, the vast majority of us have nothing to feel guilty about. Just because some study says x, y or z, it doesn't mean that it's true for our kids. As long as we're trying to be good parents, trying to maintain our own identities and letting them know we love them, we're doing okay. So can we please stop the guilt? And the subsequent judgment and fake media wars?

Because I'm pretty sure that the "Mommy Wars" aren't teaching any of us to be better parents.

I Think I May Not Be Enough Of A Cynical Bitch

Back when I taught school in the 'hood, I was thrilled to death when parents offered to help me. And by help me, I mean send their kids to school well-rested and well-loved. Helping out in the classroom was a bonus I didn't count on. In fact, one year I did not have help at one single party , though I did have a few parents sit and watch while I set everything up. That also happened to be the year I had the most behavior problems. Just sayin'.

Anyway, I never planned to raise my own children in a similar environment. I knew their school experiences would be filled with volunteering parents, because that's how it works around here. But there's volunteering parents, and then there's volunteering parents who desperately need psychotherapy.

The other day I heard about "theme day" at the elementary schools in the next town over. The school picks a theme, each class does an aspect of that theme in their room and naturally the parents help a lot. They spend hundreds of dollars of their own money they stay at the school until all hours just to make sure that little Johnny or Julie has an especially authentic experience while never leaving the school grounds. As I heard about that part of it, I was already pretty sure that despite my years of study learning how to truly stimulate young minds that I would not be very involved in theme day. Because for theme day to actually teach them anything they should be doing most of the decorating themselves, not sleeping at home while their moms build covered wagons (true story).

But I sort of got it. I mean, it's fun to create things for the kids. And, of course, I think that a number of people around here miss high school desperately and this gives them a chance to be creative and competitive at the same time, all in the name of being good parents. I silently chided myself for being such a cynical bitch. Then another mom shared another true story.

One about how an EVENT PLANNER was hired by one class' set of parents on theme day last year.

EVENT FUCKING PLANNER for a school theme day.

The mom, who said that the class' theme was the country of India, did mention that the room felt very authentically Indian.

I'm pretty sure my mouth dropped open.

The mom mentioned that she thought that things might be getting out of control for theme day. Gee, really? Maybe next year they could just go to India for theme day instead.

I still couldn't close my mouth.

Other moms expressed mild shock and dismay. The covered wagon mom said that she would have appreciated somebody else doing the wagon.

I thought about moving before I ruin my children socially for not being willing to pay for an event planner for theme day.