There are not a lot of areas in which I'm equipped to give advice. My oldest child is 6, so I can only give parenting advice on what goes on before that. I've got a master's degree in teaching reading, so I can probably still give pointers there, though I'm so removed from the classroom I don't think I could give actual teaching advice anymore.
Other than raising 3 kids and watching all the Real Housewives franchises, I probably spend most of my time on the internet. And even though I'm ostensibly "working" during that time, what I'm really doing is checking Facebook and Twitter. And that's where I am totally qualified to give advice.
On Facebook:
1. I like seeing pictures of your kids, but if you don't want to post pictures of your kids? I don't really care.
2. Of course you can brag sometimes. I think it's great that your child got straight As and that your spouse bought you the best gift ever. But when every status update you give says how great everything in your life is, I suspect that you are actually suicidal.
3. By the same token, it's okay to be down sometimes. I'm happy to try to cheer you up or give you support. But when every status update you give is about how bad things are, I suspect that you are not suicidal, but simply desperate for attention.
4. Stop copying and pasting your status updates. If you love your sister, than write an update about her that's specific. If you want to support a cause, write an original update and include the link. Status updates are not chain mail, it's okay not to pass them on.
5. If you don't actually know and like a person, don't befriend them. No one needs 537 friends.
6. I do not want to play whatever game you are playing. I do not want to help you play whatever game you are playing. Leave me to my own time suckers, thank you.
7. However, if you have a funny video or interesting news article to share, that is good. That's my kind of time sucker.
8. Know thy privacy settings. Only your friends (NOT your friends of friends, you have no idea what kind of crazy people your neighbor went to high school with) should be able to see your stuff. Besides, this will drive your exes crazy when they try to cyberstalk you.
On Twitter:
1. Twitter does not care what you had for breakfast or how long your baby napped. . . . . unless you are really, really, funny or really, really, famous.
2. Twitter is a conversation. If you never respond to people, no one will pay attention to you.
3. When you post on Twitter, you should be funny or be sharing information.
4. The way to find followers is to start following lots of people and responding to people's tweets. Or be a famous person having a mental breakdown.
5. You don't have to follow everyone who follows you, but you should at least look at their profiles. I ignore most of the businesses, the ones without a picture and all the people who are super-religious. Because if you are talking about being saved in your Twitter profile, we probably don't have a lot in common.
6. Twitter is about karma. Like a blog post or an article? Retweet it. Read something that made you laugh out loud? Retweet it. Give compliments. You can't be too nice on Twitter.
BTW, I have totally done most of things that I advise against. I'm just trying to spare you the humiliation, so there's no need to bring up the time I invited you to play Mafia Wars.
