I blame my Real Housewives addiction on breastfeeding.
I know that there are tons of women who could just sit still and breastfeed and enjoy their closeness to their child, but I was not one of those women. Especially at 3am when all I wanted to do was go back to bed. But Ironflower fussed like crazy when I tried to read (I wish they'd had tablets then, would have been so much easier to hold one handed), so I started watching all kinds of TV shows. When Lovebug was born 15 months later, not only did he fuss when I read, he nursed ALL the time.
I practically had no choice but to start watching The Real Housewives of Orange County when it began a few weeks later - I was running out of things to watch.
Of course, now that it's been more than 4 years since I weaned Hugmonkey, you'd think I'd have stopped watching so much silly TV. But you'd be wrong, because now I have to fold laundry for 5 people, all of whom need workout/sports/dance clothes and regular clothes practically every day. And if I couldn't stare into space while nursing, which was fun for me, you can be damn well sure that I'm not going to stare into space while folding laundry.
Was that a long enough rationalization for this post? (If you don't watch any of the shows, you can stop reading now. I won't mind.)
Real Housewives Dream Teams
Cast members that I would actually want to be friends with in real life, who I can only assume are doing the show to promote their businesses and get free trips:
- Carole Radziwill (NYC): How do you not like Carole? She's funny and intelligent.
- Kandi Burruss (Atlanta): As long as you don't talk about her husband or go near her mother, I think Kandi looks like she would be a lot of fun to be around.
- Brandi Glanville (BH): She's a disaster, but she's my kind of disaster.
- Kim Richards (BH): I wanted to be her after watching Escape to Witch Mountain. She's probably the most genuine person on any of the shows.
- Alex McCord (NYC): At first I found you disturbing, Alex (and I'm still not sure about your hubby Simon), but once you started having a backbone I started liking you.
- Heather Dubrow (OC): I too have a need to be right all the time. I get you, Heather.
- Yolanda Foster (BH): I can't believe I'm putting her here either. But I bet she's a good friend.
- Kristen (NYC): Anyone who stands up to Ramona has got to be cool.
Cast members that used to be cool, but now have had way too much of the Bravolebrity* kool-aid:
- Nene Leakes (Atlanta): She turned into a royal bitch this season, don't you think?
- Bethenny Frankel (NYC): The talk show just killed me.
- Jeana Keough (OC): The whole siding with Simon and letting your sons be so rude to you tells me she needs some feminist consciousness raising classes before we could hang out.
- Caroline Manzo (NJ): We only live a couple of towns apart and I've heard way too much gossip about your family to believe in your cool TV persona.
- Sonja Morgan (NYC): From flighty to mentally ill in just a few seasons.
- Cynthia Bailey (Atlanta): Speak up. Dump Peter. Then we can be friends.
- Heather (NYC): I want to like you more, but "Holla!" gets on my nerves.
Meh. I do not care about and/or remember any of these people. They would have to be in some kind of Bravolebrity Death Match to get me to watch them (and I totally would):
- The entire cast of The Real Housewives of D.C.
- The entire cast of The Real Housewives of Miami.
- Carlton (BH): I wanted to like you, Carlton. I know so many lovely Wiccans. But you're not one of them.
- Alexis, Quinn, Lynn, Peggy (OC): Be smarter.
- Dina Manzo (NJ): Your charity is great, but you bore me.
- Jacqueline Laurita (NJ): See above.
- Anyone I forgot to mention from the early seasons of OC and Atlanta.
- Danielle Staub (NJ): Perhaps her crazy just didn't last long enough for me to want her in the group below.
- Jill Zarin (NYC): Poor Jill.
- Porsha (Atlanta): Be much, much smarter.
- Kathy Wakile (NJ): You seem nice, Kathy. I hope you win Bravolebrity Death Match.
- Taylor (BH): I can't even.
- Joyce (BH): You need to be doing the weather somewhere.
They should live in a Big Brother style house, be recorded 24/7 and let us make bets on who will poison whom first:
- Lisa Vanderpump (BH): She is secretly ruling us all.
- Kenya Moore (Atlanta): I am waiting for her to turn up on a Dr. Drew show.
- Teresa Giudice (NJ): She'd probably like this show idea more than jail.
- Aviva Drescher (NYC): I want to see her delusions battle Kenya's delusions.
- Phaedra Parks (Atlanta): Anything to get away from Apollo, amirite?
- Tamra Barney and Vicki Gunvalson (OC): They'll have to be separated if we want a fair fight. Hopefully Tamra will tell Vicki the truth about her opinion on Brooks; that will separate them for sure.
- Kelly Bensimon (NYC): I bet Lisa would "adopt her" and set her loose on the other women.
- And then Kyle Richards (BH) would be all jealous and they could have a hair-tossing fight.
- Melissa Gorga (NJ): I would like to hear Vicki and Tamra dissect Melissa's marriage advice book.
- Ramona Singer (NYC): Take away her Pinot and let's see what happens.
- Luann de Lesseps (NYC): I really want to see her lose her shit. If these women can't break her, no one can.
- Gretchen and Jo (OC): I just really want to hear how Slade managed to snag both of you.
- Kim Zolciak (Atlanta): She could just bring her army of kids and outflank everyone.
Who did I forget? Who do you want to see on Real Housewives/Big Brother? Who is your favorite housewife?
*I am using the term "Bravolebrity" on purpose; I love the Housewives, but they are not real celebrities.