Ten Reasons You Should Be Watching Game of Thrones

As a kid, I was far more into my Trixie Belden mysteries than any fantasy fiction I read; I couldn't even get into A Wrinkle in Time. I resisted reading Harry Potter for years, though when I finally broke down I completely fell in love with them. So when my cousin recommended the  Song of Ice and Fire series I was more open to the idea of fantasy than I had ever been, but I wasn't especially enthusiastic.

Whoops.

Before I had even finished reading Game of Thrones, I was hunting down A Clash of Kings. I thought the wait for A Dance with Dragons would kill me and it was only a few months. I'd be going crazy right now if it wasn't for the TV show. Which is so much closer to the plot and spirit of the books than True Blood or Bones. I highly recommend the books, but if they seem too daunting:

1. You're sick of people telling you that you should be watching Game of Thrones.

2. You can't wait for the next season of The Walking Dead.

3. You miss The Sopranos, even though you felt like Tony was too much of a good guy.

4. You like hot men.

5. You like hot women.

6. You like hot dragons.

7. You like female characters that are actually characters and not props for the male characters.

8. You wish TV shows were more like epic movies.

9. You know it's wrong to be prejudiced against the fantasy genre.

10. Tyrion Lannister is one of the most interesting characters ever written and Peter Dinklage plays the hell out of him.

Who Is Your Favorite Real Housewife?

Thank you, by the way, to everyone who commented and/or said something supportive about Monday's post. Just letting it all out there and hearing so many kind and empathetic words in return has made me feel so much better. Better enough to confess to an even great sin: an addiction to The Real Housewives. 

I blame my Real Housewives addiction on breastfeeding.

I know that there are tons of women who could just sit still and breastfeed and enjoy their closeness to their child, but I was not one of those women. Especially at 3am when all I wanted to do was go back to bed. But Ironflower fussed like crazy when I tried to read (I wish they'd had tablets then, would have been so much easier to hold one handed), so I started watching all kinds of TV shows. When Lovebug was born 15 months later, not only did he fuss when I read, he nursed ALL the time.

I practically had no choice but to start watching The Real Housewives of Orange County when it began a few weeks later - I was running out of things to watch.

Of course, now that it's been more than 4 years since I weaned Hugmonkey, you'd think I'd have stopped watching so much silly TV. But you'd be wrong, because now I have to fold laundry for 5 people, all of whom need workout/sports/dance clothes and regular clothes practically every day. And if I couldn't stare into space while nursing, which was fun for me, you can be damn well sure that I'm not going to stare into space while folding laundry.

Was that a long enough rationalization for this post? (If you don't watch any of the shows, you can stop reading now. I won't mind.)

Real Housewives Dream Teams

Cast members that I would actually want to be friends with in real life, who I can only assume are doing the show to promote their businesses and get free trips:

• Carole Radziwill (NYC): How do you not like Carole? She's funny and intelligent. 
• Kandi Burruss (Atlanta): As long as you don't talk about her husband or go near her mother, I think Kandi looks like she would be a lot of fun to be around. 
• Brandi Glanville (BH): She's a disaster, but she's my kind of disaster. 
• Kim Richards (BH): I wanted to be her after watching Escape to Witch Mountain. She's probably the most genuine person on any of the shows. 
• Alex McCord (NYC): At first I found you disturbing, Alex (and I'm still not sure about your hubby Simon), but once you started having a backbone I started liking you. 
• Heather Dubrow (OC): I too have a need to be right all the time. I get you, Heather. 
• Yolanda Foster (BH): I can't believe I'm putting her here either. But I bet she's a good friend. 
• Kristen (NYC): Anyone who stands up to Ramona has got to be cool. 

Cast members that used to be cool, but now have had way too much of the Bravolebrity* kool-aid: 

• Nene Leakes (Atlanta): She turned into a royal bitch this season, don't you think? 
• Bethenny Frankel (NYC): The talk show just killed me. 
• Jeana Keough (OC): The whole siding with Simon and letting your sons be so rude to you tells me she needs some feminist consciousness raising classes before we could hang out. 
• Caroline Manzo (NJ): We only live a couple of towns apart and I've heard way too much gossip about your family to believe in your cool TV persona. 
• Sonja Morgan (NYC): From flighty to mentally ill in just a few seasons. 
• Cynthia Bailey (Atlanta): Speak up. Dump Peter. Then we can be friends. 
• Heather (NYC): I want to like you more, but "Holla!" gets on my nerves. 

Meh. I do not care about and/or remember any of these people. They would have to be in some kind of Bravolebrity Death Match to get me to watch them (and I totally would): 

• The entire cast of The Real Housewives of D.C.
• The entire cast of The Real Housewives of Miami.
• Carlton (BH): I wanted to like you, Carlton. I know so many lovely Wiccans. But you're not one of them. 
• Alexis, Quinn, Lynn, Peggy (OC): Be smarter. 
• Dina Manzo (NJ): Your charity is great, but you bore me. 
• Jacqueline Laurita (NJ): See above. 
• Anyone I forgot to mention from the early seasons of OC and Atlanta. 
• Danielle Staub (NJ): Perhaps her crazy just didn't last long enough for me to want her in the group below. 
• Jill Zarin (NYC): Poor Jill. 
• Porsha (Atlanta): Be much, much smarter. 
• Kathy Wakile (NJ): You seem nice, Kathy. I hope you win Bravolebrity Death Match. 
• Taylor (BH): I can't even. 
• Joyce (BH): You need to be doing the weather somewhere. 

They should live in a Big Brother style house, be recorded 24/7  and let us make bets on who will poison whom first: 

• Lisa Vanderpump (BH): She is secretly ruling us all. 
• Kenya Moore (Atlanta): I am waiting for her to turn up on a Dr. Drew show. 
• Teresa Giudice (NJ): She'd probably like this show idea more than jail. 
• Aviva Drescher (NYC): I want to see her delusions battle Kenya's delusions. 
• Phaedra Parks (Atlanta): Anything to get away from Apollo, amirite? 
• Tamra Barney and Vicki Gunvalson (OC): They'll have to be separated if we want a fair fight. Hopefully Tamra will tell Vicki the truth about her opinion on Brooks; that will separate them for sure. 
• Kelly Bensimon (NYC): I bet Lisa would "adopt her" and set her loose on the other women. 
• And then Kyle Richards (BH) would be all jealous and they could have a hair-tossing fight. 
• Melissa Gorga (NJ): I would like to hear Vicki and Tamra dissect Melissa's marriage advice book. 
• Ramona Singer (NYC): Take away her Pinot and let's see what happens.
• Luann de Lesseps (NYC): I really want to see her lose her shit. If these women can't break her, no one can. 
• Gretchen and Jo (OC): I just really want to hear how Slade managed to snag both of you. 
• Kim Zolciak (Atlanta): She could just bring her army of kids and outflank everyone. 

Who did I forget? Who do you want to see on Real Housewives/Big Brother? Who is your favorite housewife? 

*I am using the term "Bravolebrity" on purpose; I love the Housewives, but they are not real celebrities. 

What's The Worst Show on the Disney Channel?

I am not a Disney hater. I'm anxiously awaiting our next trip (whenever that will be) to Disney World. I have this on my fridge, for heaven's sake:

I like Disney movies, especially the more modern ones like Brave and The Princess and the Frog.

But for the love of all that is holy, why are their television shows so completely awful? The ones aimed at Ironflower, specifically. At least, I assume they're aimed at her, since she wants to watch them and likes to discuss which ones her classmates favor. Apparently the entire third grade is watching this crap. And when I complained about it on Facebook, I got way more support than I ever do when I post about politics or adult television shows.

The best show on Disney is Phineas and Ferb, no question. Unfortunately, tween girls aren't so into Phineas and Ferb. Hence, my quest to discover the worst shows on Disney. Ironflower is always asking me to record shows for her and I figure that the DVR can "not work" on the very worst shows, but I don't know which ones are the worst.

And I dread finding out. The other night I watched "Jessie" with her. All the joy of having quiet time with my oldest was brutally murdered by the horror that is that show. I think it was conceived as a 12 year old boy's fantasy; no parents, oodles of money, hot but not too bright nanny, siblings to provide entertainment, butler to provide food.

I have also witnessed Austin and Ally. I have to rank it lower than Jessie because of the singing. Also, someone needs to make Austin stop bleaching his hair. I'm sure he's a nice boy (er, maybe? At least for a few more years?), but that hair makes him look so creepy.

I think I've seen bits of Dog with a Blog and Good Luck, Charlie too, but all I can remember about them is how they cast people with such annoying voices. When the kids were younger, I could smirk at these shows and speculate about which cast member would wind up in rehab first. But now that they're actually engaged with the characters and the plots and who the stars are, that feels wrong. (Though I'm betting on Austin. Just for the record.)

Anyway, gentler readers, this is where you come in. Tell me (in my fancy poll below) which Disney shows are the worst so that I don't have to watch any more of them. If you'd like to weigh in on which current Disney employees will be going to rehab and/or twerking at the VMAs soon, please let me know in the comments.

(BTW, I think it's Austin for both.)

Which Disney Channel Show is the Worst?
	Shake It Up
	Austin & Ally
	Jessie
	Dog with a Blog
	Good Luck Charlie
	Liv and Maddie
	I Didn't Do It
	Gravity Falls
	A.N.T. Farm
pollcode.com free polls

Pop Culture Thursday: It's Fall TV Time!

It's probably kind of pathetic how happy I am that TV is back. Except that I'm 42 now, so isn't my delight rather expected? Like driving a minivan and getting a headache from one gin and tonic?

Actually, I really don't care whether it's pathetic, typical or some combination thereof. . .I have TV shows to watch!


Returning shows I love and will watch, even if it means staying up too late and being exhausted the next day:

• Grey's Anatomy: I know, I know. . .I stopped watching it for a while too. But it's gotten better. It's like watching the soaps of my youth, but with much better writing and acting.
• Grimm: How could I not love a combination of mystery and fantasy? 
• Once Upon a Time: A fairy-tale soap opera with ass-kicking. 
• Parks and Recreation: It took a while for this show to grown on me (it might have been the addition of Adam Scott), but now that it has I'm addicted. 
• Game of Thrones/Downton Abbey/Orange is the New Black - These are not returning, but they are my very favorites and I wish they were on all the damn time. 

Returning shows I watch regularly, because apparently I spend a lot of time folding laundry: 

• Modern Family: Genuinely funny.
• How I Met Your Mother: Normally I'm against all shows on CBS, just because I think that all of them are basically the same and it's such the dominant network and it's not on Hulu, but I make an exception for this show. Neil Patrick Harris, Alyson Hannigan and Jason Segel, duh. 
• The Mindy Project: I love Mindy Kaling. I can't say that the show lives up to her awesomeness, but it's cute. And I have a crush on Chris Messina. 
• Parenthood: I blame this one on all the soap opera watching I did in my formative years. 
• Chicago Fire: Ditto. Plus, truly hot actors. 
• Nashville: See above. 
• New Girl: I'm not proud of this. 

In addition to being resistant to watching shows on CBS, I also have a hard time starting new shows. Possibly because I watch too many shows as it is (but if I start blogging about them then I have to watch them. . . maybe I should start doing recaps? Leave your recap requests in the comments. Please.) However, this year I have tried Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Sleepy Hollow. Brooklyn Nine-Nine, which stars Andy Samberg Andre Braugher and Terry Crews, is okay. If you need more sitcoms in your life, this one could work. Sleepy Hollow, though, is for those of us who love Grimm and Once Upon a Time and history. My only quibble after the pilot is that they're not filming anywhere near the actual Sleepy Hollow (which is not that far from where I live), but in North Carolina. 

So what shows are you excited for this fall? What shows should I stop watching? What shows should I start watching? What shows should I start recapping so I have legitimate excuses to spend more time watching TV? 

Pop Culture Thursday: Orange Is the New Black

I did not particularly want to watch "Orange Is the New Black". Since motherhood, or maybe since I discovered that depression is more like a lonely dog than a cat that longs to escape outside, I've become less interested in watching things that will make me especially sad or angry. And I've always been resistant to the pop culture items that suddenly everyone starts talking about.

I mean, it took me like 4 years to start reading the Harry Potter series. It's not like this resistance is always a good thing, though I do appreciate how it's saved me from The Bachelor.

Hot Guy and I have been watching The Newsroom all summer, it's one of the few shows we both really love. But on Labor Day weekend, they didn't have a new episode. I was distraught. I wanted to watch a good show. So I mentioned that I'd heard a lot of people talking about "Orange is the New Black", not thinking that Hot Guy would be interested. But luckily he'd heard Piper Kerman talking on NPR and was intrigued.

It took us a week to watch all the episodes. And if some other good show doesn't start soon, I'm going to watch them all again. This is definitely more of a Harry Potter situation than a Bachelor situation.

Not that the show has anything to do with Harry Potter, of course. It has to do with life in a women's prison. But it's kind of a comedy.

And though sometimes watching it makes me want to send every politician, judge and citizen who supported mandatory minimum drug sentencing laws (which in some states are harsher than they are for rape and other violent offenses) off to prison themselves, mostly I am just endlessly fascinated. The acting on the show is superlative, so that any character who might stray into stereotype-land otherwise seems whole and real.

Also, any show with a character called, "Pornstache" is my kind of show.

"Pornstache" is not pictured. 

Have you watched it yet? What other shows would you recommend?

Pop Culture Thursday: Bingeworthy

Remember the Seinfeld episode where they stop making Elaine's preferred birth control method, the sponge? And suddenly she gets a lot more picky about who she sleeps with, because she's hoarding sponges? And for a nano-second "sponge-worthy" became a way to describe a potential partner?

Being married, of course, removes this question from my life. I know I'm going to sleep with the same sponge-worthy guy every night. Er, not that I have to worry about the whole sponge issue anymore.

Anyway. Thanks to Netflix and Hulu, though, there's bingeworthy. As in, is the show bingeworthy? Should I wait until the season (or run) is over and binge watch the episodes? Should I catch up on that show I never started by binge watching it this summer? Or will watching ten episodes in a row make me hate it?

For example, we all know I love me some Real Housewives shows. Especially New Jersey, where not only is there drama galore, I get to look for locations I recognize. They are escapist trash; not stories that I care about. In fact, I didn't even binge on episodes last summer, when a Bravo marathon coincided with my being on post-tonsillectomy pain medication. . . and I actually enjoyed both Sex and the City movies during the same period. So, I think we can all agree that the Real Housewives, while entertaining, are not bingeworthy.

Downton Abbey, on the other hand, is totally bingeworthy. I watched the first and second seasons last summer and was so disappointed when it was over that I watched them again. Currently, I have a bunch of shows to binge watch listed in my Netflix queue. And I'm not really excited about any of them. Which makes sense for Friday Night Lights and the West Wing, because I've already watched them all more than once. But shouldn't I be more excited to watch Breaking Bad? Or Sons of Anarchy? Or Arrested Development?

I'm not excited for any of them. I was most excited for Mad Men, which I'm still in the process of bingewatching every time Hot Guy has a show. But I do other stuff when I'm watching it, like read web sites and check my email and what not. It hasn't grabbed me. I'm almost done with season two and while I do plan to catch up and continue watching the show, Game of Thrones it ain't.

What shows do you think are bingeworthy? Got any suggestions for me?

Hiplandia

"Maybe it's funnier to you, because you lived there," Hot Guy commented after we watched Portlandia the other night.

"Well, it does make me happy that Portland hasn't changed since my time there in the '90's, " I replied. But I don't find Portlandia all that funny, really.

I'm not sure why I put it in my Hulu queue*, to be honest.

Sometimes it makes me laugh, or nod my head in recollection. But so does Jimmy Kimmel and he's not in my queue.

I'm not a huge Fred Armisen fan. In fact, I'm sort of less than a fan since I heard that he's a total jerk in real life. I shared this with Hot Guy, who reported that most celebrities are. Except for Queen Latifah and Chris Rock, whom he's worked with and swears are wonderful, down-to-earth people.

I like Carrie Brownstein, but not enough to make me watch a show.

I'm a little worried that I watch Portlandia because it's hip.

It is hip, isn't it?

I don't know what's hip anymore.  I live in suburban New Jersey. I'm 41, not 25. I drive a minivan. People are always talking about bands I've never heard of. I buy my clothes from Lands End. I have favorite words.*

Do people even say hip? Or are we just supposed to make fun of hipsters?

Wait, isn't that what they do on Portlandia?

This is so confusing.












*"Queue" has always been one of my favorite words. I used to teach it to my students just so I could tell them to queue up for lunch. Hulu had me the minute I learned I could have a queue on it. 

Now I'm Afraid To Go Apple Picking

I went to bed early last night. Since I'm getting up 2 hours earlier than I usually do, that would make sense. But of course that's not really why I did it. It's because I've gotten this horrible cold and I'm pretty sure it's trying to assassinate me.

I mean, Lovebug told me I needed to rest more. He even took the recycling out for me yesterday. Clearly I sound like I'm dying. Hopefully sleep will cure me.

Since my regular late night friends (What? I'm sure if Jon Stewart and Chelsea Handler knew me we'd all be friends) weren't on yet, I had to flip between House Hunters and Taboo.

Taboo was a big mistake. I mean, it was subtitled, "Private Passions", so you can't blame me for watching it. I thought it would be about vibrators and other sex toys.

Wouldn't you think that? Even if you weren't a little high on cough medication?

But no. One segment was about "puppy play". . . . where one part of a pair acts like a dog and the other is a handler. The human-dog person plays with real dogs and other human-dogs and I think some of them get off on it? I don't know, I flipped back to House Hunters before I found out.

I love House Hunters.

Anyway, the only other segment I watched was about these people:

Photo Courtesy of National Geographic Channel

First of all, they are fruitarians. That means they only eat fruit because you have to "kill" vegetables to eat them. Which, fine. Your business. More bacon for me. 

Second of all, they get turned on by fruit and seem to make out with each other whenever they are eating it. Again, fine. Consenting adults, yada yada. 

Third of all, they are also freegans. So the fruit they eat and use in their sex play is coming out of dumpsters. Not fine. Not fine at all. I agree that we waste too much in this country but eating (and inserting? Not sure how far they go with the fruit fetish) food jumbled next to dirty diapers and cleaning products? No thanks. 

Fourth, she makes them dress and wear their hair the same. I don't even like it when couples wear matching sweatshirts. 

Fifth, they would not stop making out on camera. Not appropriate for people over 40 30 20. If you want to do porn, I fully support your right to do that. If you want to make homemade sex tapes, go for it. But if eating fruit makes you so horny that you have to make out with your loved one every time you do it, don't do it on camera when someone is asking you questions. Please. 

Sixth, they'd like to find other people to join them. They want a fruitarian/fruit fetish commune of like minded people to have dumpster rescued fruit orgies with. They are surprised they haven't met more like-minded people. I'm sorry they don't have a community, but honestly? I'm pretty relieved that this isn't a common thing. 

Can you imagine going apple picking if it was? 

Better Than Hoarders

So I watched one of the best reality shows ever last night. For those of you who think "reality show" and "best" don't belong in the same sentence (cough Hot Guy cough cough), you can stop reading now.

Picture a bunch of extremely eccentric New Orleans residents throwing weddings for drunk and/or crazy people and you have Big Easy Brides. This older couple has a wedding chapel on Bourbon Street and they employ a bunch of whack jobs to help with the weddings. You know how most people on reality television have been watching episodes of the Kardashians for pointers? And they're all surgically enhanced and completely fake?*

I'm pretty sure Marie, the wedding planner on Big Easy Brides, could beat the shit out of all the Kardashians. Even Khloe.

She gets all threatened when they hire a new photographer without consulting her and brings new meaning to the words "hostile work environment." I'm a little afraid for the photographer, to be honest. Marie is scary.  

So the episode has 3 weddings - well, 2 complete weddings and 1 clusterfuck. The first - and the best** - was the pub crawl wedding. Sure, the couple got so hammered that the bride puked on some dude's shoes. And sure, that dude got so pissy about it that the groom started a fight with him. But still. Can you just picture the invitations for a pub crawl wedding? 

The clusterfuck involved a drunk couple showing up at the chapel to get married. When our buddy Marie tries to take the groom off to get prepped, the bride gets all paranoid. Like Marie's going to be all stealing her man DURING THE WEDDING. They distract the bride with wedding talk and all is fine until she sees that her man has his shirt off in front of Marie (and 12 other people). I will say this: Dude is totally ripped. Anyway, the bride flips out and charges, the security guy*** gets too pushy and there's almost a fight. Stuff gets broken, anyway. 

The other wedding is a trailer park themed wedding. You can see the devilish glee in Marie's eyes when she talks about planning this wedding. What makes it slightly less cool is that it happens at the actual trailer park where the bride and groom live. But Marie makes it special with crushed beer can and wading pool decorations, lawn chairs and a keg in the trunk of a car. Because the landlord showed up right before the ceremony to say no drinking at the wedding. So half the guests left to go to the bar, I'm not kidding. Those that remained were able to smoke during the ceremony, though. 

I would watch this show even if it was scripted, that's how awesome it is. It's like if Diane Arbus created a reality show. 

*Except on Hoarders. I love you, Hoarders.

**This is how I want to renew my vows, btw. A pub crawl down Bourbon Street.

***All through the show I couldn't imagine why a chapel would need a security guy. Clearly I don't know much about wedding chapels.

Celebrity Apprentice: TripleZmom Edition

I am coming out as a lover of Celebrity Apprentice. I don't know whether it's watching celebrities try to handle challenges that probably make business school graduates cringe or finding out that Dionne Warwick is kind of a bitch, but I'm completely entertained.

(Just to be clear: I do not love Celebrity Apprentice the way I love Friday Night Lights, Parenthood and hope to love Game of Thrones. Celebrity Apprentice is like my love for McDonald's french fries, those other shows are like my love for Lidia Bastainich restaurants. Mmmmkay? Good.)

However, I think it would be a lot better if I tweaked it a bit.

1. The celebrities have to stop calling Donald, "Mr. Trump". Either all parties should be on a first name basis or none should. The celebrities, while possibly immature and/or clueless, are not children and he is not their principal.

2. Force the celebrities to live together like they do with contestants on Project Runway and Top Chef. Just watching some of them survive without assistants should be entertaining enough. And imagine Meatloaf and Gary Busey living under the same roof! Television GOLD.

3. Get better celebrities. If the Donald would kick in more charity money, he could probably get better celebrities. Or maybe he could blackmail them or something, I don't know. But wouldn't it be awesome to see the cast of Twilight versus the cast of Harry Potter? Or the cast of Desperate Housewives against the cast of Grey's Anatomy?

4. Get celebrities who need help. Let Charlie Sheen bring his torpedo of truth to Trump Tower. Give Glenn Beck a new job. Give Lindsay Lohan something to do besides go to rehab.

5. Get celebrities who aren't really celebrities. I'm picturing a Real Housewives battle between New York and New Jersey or maybe the Kardashians versus the Basketball Wives?


Is there a celebrity contestant that would make you watch Celebrity Apprentice?

Never Thought I'd Hate Dionne Warwick

I'm not proud of this, but .  . . .I've been watching Celebrity Apprentice. Blame it on the fact that there's hardly anything else new on Hulu. (Oh April, you can't come fast enough - Game of Thrones AND Friday Night Lights. Joy.)

I've never watched the regular Apprentice, because really? I don't understand why anyone would actually want to work for Donald Trump. Also? I like watching celebrities reveal their actual personalities, but as for regular people show their cattiness and/or stupidity? I can go to at PTA meeting for that. (I think. I've never actually been to a PTA meeting. I just volunteer for stuff. I stand by my belief that one perk of being a stay-at-home mom is that I don't have to go to meetings anymore) Anyway, there have only been 2 episodes so far this season, so you can totally catch up.

I mean, GARY BUSEY. MEATLOAF. LATOYA JACKSON. How can you not watch? Plus there's one of my favorite Real Housewives, NeNe Leakes. And Dionne Warwick.

Now, I've never actually been a fan of her music - it's not like she's Meatloaf, after all. But I didn't expect her to be such a be-yotch. In the first episode, she struggles to run the cash register but won't let anyone take over for her. That made me sure I'd never actually root for her. But in this last episode? WOW. She tells the (deaf) Marlee Matlin that deafness is "too sad" a topic for a children's book and belittles her and Lisa Rinna until she gets her way. Then she has a fit because she wants her name listed as the creator of the book, instead of the team's name. She just came across as so selfish and thoughtless - every stereotype of a celebrity. Hell, I've still never heard her mention her charity.

Other celebrity impressions: Gary Busey really is crazy. I am still a fan of Meatloaf. Don't fuck with Star Jones. LaToya sure looks a lot like Michael. Mark McGrath is kind of a doofus.

And some celebrity questions: Does Donald Trump force his sons to have bad hair so they can all match? Will Niki Taylor and the Playmate ever talk? How long before Jose Canseco pops Richard Hatch?

I think Star Jones is going to win. What do you guys think?

Oprah and Jerry Springer

Yesterday I had the privilege of going to a baby shower for one of my oldest friends with another of my oldest friends (not that we're old. Really. Isn't 40 the new 20 or something? But we've been friends since high school. Which was quite a while ago.) This is a long-awaited first baby, so I think that made the shower a little more poignant than most I've been to.

These friends of mine are amazing and wonderful women. Truly. I am so lucky that they have put up with me for all of these years. I have learned so many things from them, from what shoes are cool to how to be a better person. They are kind of like my own personal Oprahs - they illuminate how to be my best self and give me treats I wouldn't normally give myself. But they don't yell. Or force Dr. Phil on me. So really they're better than Oprah.

I am more like their Jerry Springer. I encourage them to eat fattening food, giggle about gossip and accept their minor flaws. Although I don't encourage them to confront friends turned enemies in my living room (not that they have enemies). So really I'm better than Jerry Springer. Thank God.

It should be noted that I have not watched either of these shows in a decade. So my analogy may only make sense in my head. Sorry.

In your friendships, do you consider yourself an Oprah or a Jerry? Are you one with some people and the other with different people? Does this make any sense at all?

Tinkerbell, Registration, and Danielle

I feel like I've been busy, even though I don't seem to have accomplished anything lately. Well, the kids are alive - I suppose that's something, right? Anyway, here are the thoughts I've been too busy (or lazy) to turn into posts lately. . .

1. Even though I hate the character Tinkerbell in Peter Pan, I'm so glad Ironflower is now into the whole Disney Fairies thing, instead of the whole Disney Princess thing. The fairies actually do things and have talents, whereas those princesses just wait around to be rescued. I would totally rather have magic powers than beauty.

2. Yesterday's soft, misty rain made me miss the Pacific Northwest. Today's steady downpour makes me want to kick things. Also, what the hell, weather? Why am I wearing long pants in August?

3. Shrek the Musical really is awesome. We listened to the soundtrack yesterday - I forgot how truly good a lot of the songs are. The whole thing is so, so much better than the movie. I wish we could take the kids again.

4. Whoever put up the Twitter link that led me to Ebay deserves to be slapped. I am not to be trusted on Ebay. I'm not buying things, I just keeping looking at stuff I could be buying. I won't bid more than $2, except for the Tinkerbell costume that got me there in the first place. Because otherwise outfitting Ironflower in her desired Halloween costume will cost like $60. Still, it's hard not bidding $60 for 4 Yankees tickets.

5. Signed Ironflower and Lovebug up for classes at the Y. Instead of doing it online or whenever, there is a huge gathering where people get numbers and then you wait anxiously for your turn, hoping classes are still available. I was warned that I should go early. I got there an hour early and ran into our former neighbor. She had gotten there 3 hours early and had gotten number 3. I was 87. The whole process took 2 hours. Reminded me of my first college registration back in the dark ages. And by the time I'd graduated in 1993 we were registering by phone, at least.

6. My kids seem really hyper and crazy unless I've forced them to go outside (in which case they are mellow and quiet) or let them watch TV. Thinking of putting a tent over the patio and putting a TV out there until school starts. Seriously. If my boys don't stop shrieking and yelling about every little thing I'm going to start wearing ear plugs.

7. I feel kinda sorry for Danielle Staub, even though she is a loony bitch who would never talk to me. (If you don't know who I'm talking about, uh, don't worry about it. Your TV viewing tastes are more highbrow than mine). I feel more sorry for her daughters, of course. But she's just so obviously crazy and you can just see how badly she wanted to be accepted by the "popular girls". And if she thinks the Manzos are bad, she should totally go hang out with Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon. Or that British chick on D.C.

Someone Should Totally Pay Me For This

I watched Jersey Shore last night. Yes, I'm pretty sure I lost some IQ points, not to mention some self-respect. Also? I'm so, so glad that no one ever filmed me while I was drunk. Sure, I probably wouldn't have spent so much of my youth drunk if I'd known I was being filmed, but still.

The true problem here, of course, is that most of the shows I'm proud to watch are in hiatus right now or off the air completely. I long for the day when I can design my own TV channels so that I never wind up watching Jersey Shore again. Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to program your own channels, like some merger of Hulu and a cool video game?

I've been pondering this in the hours that I've been scrubbing the house (the rest of the family comes home tonight to a spotless house that I'm sure they will demolish within 3 hours) and I've come up with 3 channel ideas:

Great Drama: The West Wing, The Sopranos, Friday Night Lights, Homicide, Oz, Mercy, the first few seasons of ER, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Cold Feet, Fringe

Great Comedy: Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, Modern Family, Friends, Arrested Development, Glee, Absolutely Fabulous, selected seasons and sketches of Saturday Night Live,

Great Trash: The Real Housewives, Real Sex, House Hunters, Bridezillas, Project Runway, Degrassi, Top Chef

I feel like I've forgotten some great shows, so please leave suggestions in the comments. What would your ideal channel show all day? What kind of channel have I forgotten?

Also, if you could please, please, please like my page on Facebook or follow my blog (or both) I promise I'll reward you when I win Powerball.

Who Says the Art of Writing Letters is Dead?

Dear charity-seeking neighbor,

We have never met. In fact, I don't even have a nodding acquaintance with anyone in your section of the cul-de-sac. And yet you sent me this request for a donation to your favorite cause. I am not sure why this bothers me more than if your group had sent me a direct donation request, but it does. Am I suppose to think, "Gee, I'll give my charity dollars to THIS charity because the lady down the street supports it,"? Here's the thing; I don't know you. You could be a Tea Party member. Or a Klan member (same difference?). Living on my street doesn't tell me anything about your personality. As for your charity, I have only vaguely heard of it and your donation request offered no information. So, no, I won't be sending them any money. Ever.

Sincerely,

The loud woman from down the street

Dear leaf-blower addicts,

You are not making the world a better place. You are a leading contributor of noise and air pollution. You are wasting precious gas. And by tonight, all that crap you blew off the sidewalk will be right back where it started. Special note to the landscapers of my neighborhood: STOP using the LEAF-BLOWER around my patio, you are actually blowing dirt onto it. Also, stop moving my chairs.

Seriously,

The messy lady on the end

Dear old people who coo at my son

Thank you for smiling instead of wincing when he starts screaming. Thank you for engaging him when I run out of energy. I bet none of you own leaf-blowers. In short, I love you.

Thanks,

The tired lady with the screaming toddler

Dear Ben & Jerry's,

Stop putting crack in your ice cream. I know it's in there, because ever since I had "Chocolate Therapy" the other night, I can't stop craving it. Just once and I am totally hooked. . .just like all those people on Intervention and Addiction. My husband swears that you are good guys and would never do something so dangerous. He says it's MY problem. So could you please announce that you're taking the crack out? Then I can prove that I'm right and stop the cravings.

Thanks,

The lady who is running out of elastic-waist pants

Dear NBC,

First you wouldn't spend the money to advertise how awesome Friday Night Lights is. Then you put Jay Leno on all the time, when Jay is just not that funny to people under 70. Then you screw Conan O'Brien, who is not only funny but classier than you'll ever be. If you fuck with Mercy, 30 Rock or Community, you're dead to me.

Sincerely,

The lady who watches way too much TV

Maybe My TV Viewing Should Be Restricted

Today I am ticked off at Kelly Ripa. I don't want to pick on a fellow girl from Jersey (oh yeah, don't let the blonde perkiness fool you, she's from Jersey - so don't fuck with her), but those appliance commercials she does make me want to find Hot Guy's old paintball gun and shoot her. In the eye.

Generally, I like Kelly well enough. Anyone who was on Dance Party USA (I so wanted to be on that show) is going to have my affection. Even if she's a size 2 mother of three with like 7 jobs and oodles of money who plays up the whole ditz thing a little too much. But these appliance commercials are insulting MY intelligence and I don't play the ditz card. (I do not mean to say that I am never ditzy. Anyone who has ever seen me cook, drink more than 2 beers, or play a game that requires hand-eye coordination can attest to my ditziness. But I'm never playing. All my stupidity is real.)

Anyway, in case you're one of those people who never has to watch live TV anymore, the commercial or commercials (there may be more than 1 version) show Kelly rushing around a lovely home acting like she's a housewife who's busy life has been saved by using the appliances.

Who out there thinks that in addition to hosting with Regis and producing weird shows for TLC and maybe still being on All My Children (I have no idea about that one) and keeping her hot husband happy and hitting the gym for hours each day (I'm assuming) and spending time with her children that she takes the time out to do her family's laundry? Anyone? Bueller?

I don't know how much money she and her husband make. Possibly not as much as I'd thought, considering she's doing these stupid commercials. But still, I think she makes enough to have a cleaning lady. Or five.

And I don't have a problem with that.  Cleaning sucks (that's why I blog instead, after all). I will hire a cleaning lady of my own(maybe like Alice from Brady Bunch, but open about her sexuality) as soon as my blog starts making tons of money or I win the lottery. But I after I hire my cleaning lady, I will be changing the theme of my blog and I will NOT be posting about appliances. Because I won't be doing any fucking laundry.

So Kelly, do us all a favor. Tell the advertising team that we all know you're not really one of us and that you don't do your own laundry. You are a blonde from Jersey who appears on national television every day. Tell them to write you a believable commercial. Or else.

If You Don't Watch Bravo, You'll Never Understand This Post

I am so glad The Real Housewives of New York City are back on again. Not that I don't enjoy watching all the other Housewives shows, because I do.

(See? No shame. No embarrassment. I am letting the entire world know that I watch trashy reality TV. Actually, I do more than watch - I THINK about it.)

But the New York Housewives are my favorites. They're smarter than the other Housewives. It pains me to say it, Jersey resident that I am, but it's true. When I watch the other Housewives shows, I'm always listening for grammatical mistakes and the misuse of big words. I'm also always staring in mute horror at the behavior of most of  the husbands. Which is its own kind of fun.

But the New York Housewives generally make sense. And while there are many, many, many things to be said about the symbiotic relationship between Alex and her husband Simon, I'd much rather hang out with him than with Tamra's husband Simon. That guy is such a douche.

Anyway, what's great about the New York show is that while the women seem fairly intelligent and have equal marriages (er, those that still have marriages), they are STILL immature and nuts. They have stupid fights, alliances change and where you sit really, really matters. It's like high school with money.

I would happily go out drinking with any of the New York women (except Kelly, she's a  complete bitch). I would go out with a few of the Atlanta women too, but that's it. All the cool Orange County Housewives have left. And the New Jersey Housewives. . . . .

I will watch it when it comes on again. Partially because I like to see places I recognize  on camera. It makes me feel cool. And of course, they do provide a lot of drama. But naturally I find the show embarrassing. I mean, not only is it about New Jersey, it's about my area of it. And it's not completely inaccurate. That, quite possibly, is the worst part.

Which is another reason to love the New York show. I'm not from there. Sure, I'm familiar with it. I've even been to the Hamptons before. (Once. A long time ago.) But it's not personal.

Thank God.

Will Power; Not One of My Super Powers

The chances of my exercising will power are about as good as the chances of my exercising an ability to fly. It's just not going to happen, not above and beyond the will power I already exercise to get out of bed each morning and deal somewhat cheerfully with dressing, entertaining and feeding 3 small children while also writing an article or two. And doing a zillion dishes, because we just can't swing a new dishwasher right now. And sweeping up after the toddler. And you know, just dealing with crap.

So the chocolate gets eaten. The Lexulous gets played. And the TV gets watched. And watched. And watched.

Then I have a moment where I wish I had exercised more will power. Not when my 5 year old daughter is re-enacting RuPaul's Drag Race. Not when my almost 4 year old son recognizes Stewie from Family Guy. But when I catch myself watching Private Practice.

For those of you with lives, taste and will power, I will summarize. Private Practice is a spin-off of Grey's Anatomy, only the characters are even more fucked up. And every week there's a dead kid.

Seriously, every week some guest character's kid dies and I get all depressed. Yet I watch the show anyway. WHY? WHY? Is it really that important for me to witness Addison sleeping with every male character on the show? Is my crush on Taye Diggs that big? Am I secretly trying to harm myself? Will I start popping Vicodin next?

Why in the hell am I watching this show?

I don't even know anyone else who watches it, at least not who watches it avidly enough to discuss it (because seriously, Addison, why are you sleeping with Violet's guy when you wouldn't date Naomi's? Why? Why?). So keeping up with discussions doesn't excuse watching the show.

It must be that I don't have the will power to stop.

Is there a support group for this? Because, after last night's dying newborn debacle, I am SO ashamed that I watch this show. Yet I know I'll tune in next week, cursing myself all the while.

Do you have any shows you watch despite your shame?

The Perils of Not Getting Out Much

I have the flu. I'm on Day 6 and I'm pretty over the wanting to die part. But consequently, I've had a LOT of time to watch TV lately. Since my brain still isn't in tip top shape, I just thought I'd share a few thoughts I've had while watching TV the last few days. . ..

*I never understood why my husband hated the Free Credit Report guy until now. But if he starts singing again I'm going to throw my Tylenol bottle at the TV.

*Chelsea Handler needs a new stylist.

*I wonder how much Chuy gets paid?

*I feel bad that Winona Ryder has turned into a joke.

*Wow EHarmony, free matches for Valentine's Day - how generous! But what about those poor people who you DON'T match . . .how will they feel? (This happened to a friend - I swear it was an actual friend, not me - she joined EHarmony and they told her that no one matched her. She's happily married now, though.)

*Do I really like "The Deep End" or am I just glad it's not another stupid reality show?

*I would feel a lot more sorry for Lynn on the Real Housewives if her face moved when she cried.

*It's only fun to get flowers when you work outside the home and can show off to your co-workers.

* Why do the USA team jackets have to have a huge Polo pony on them? When did the winter Olympics become ghetto-fabulous?

*I'm going to wind up on Hoarders if I don't clean out my garage. And laundry room. And basement.

*Who is Ray J? He's no Bret Michaels, that's for sure.

*Pawn Stars? This would be so much more interesting if it was about porn stars.

*Why do all shows have to have their commercials at the same time?

People Who Need to Be Deported* (With Apologies to Dr. King)

I am sorry to post this blog on your day, Dr. King. I know that it is the opposite of tolerance and love for fellow man, but I feel like you would understand.

This may be a foreshadowing of the grumpy old lady I'm becoming, in which case I look forward to smacking these people with my cane someday. . .

1. Pat Robertson. For being everything that's wrong with today's Evangelical movement as well as a bigoted ignoramus. Jesus would be helping in Haiti, asshole.

2. The Jersey Shore cast. Not because they're ignorant trash who are making more money than I am, but because ONLY ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY.  Spending a summer on the Jersey shore does not make you from New Jersey, capiche?

3. John Gosselin. It's not like he spends time with his kids any more anyway, and maybe all of his young girlfriends would follow him. Although this whole story is a great case in point about the dangers of marrying young and treating your husband like one of the kids.

4. Glenn Beck. Pandering to the ignorant is so mercenary.

5.The creator of Yo Gabba Gabba. That show is just freaking WEIRD, yet even the baby stares at it if it's on. And the songs stick in my head for days.

6. My local nemesis. He's an overbearing stay-at-home dad I see around town all the time who has published a novel based on bashing the people in his playgroup. We've met countless times  and have kids the same age and he refuses to remember who I am or speak to me. And his kids are RUDE.

7. The head of NBC programming. First, there's the fact that Friday Night Lights, one of the best shows on television, is treated like a second-class citizen (WHEN are you putting it on the network? WHEN?). Then there's was the blatant idiocy of giving Leno 10 o'clock, screwing over Conan and Jimmy somewhat, not to mention all the quality shows that could have gone on then (ie Friday Night Lights, Criminal Intent). And now there's the end of the 10 o'clock show and all this stupid fighting. But I might let him/her eventually back for approving Community. I like that show.

8. The casting director of the Twilight series. Yeah, I got into the books. Though I'm still not sure why. But I haven't seen any of the movies and I never will. Robert Pattinson is not hot enough to be Edward and he never will be.

*I know that most, if not all, of these people are American citizens and can't technically be deported. But it sounds nicer than "shot".