This Post Is About Vibrators. Sort of.

Disclaimer: If reading about my sex life makes you uncomfortable (hi Mom and Dad!) you should probably stop reading now.

I am not a fan of the unexpected guest. Even before children, when my house was generally clean (except for the spare room, but that's what is was for,right?) I didn't enjoy people just dropping by unannounced. Now that my house is pretty much always a mess (and we do not have such a thing as a "spare" room) I kind of dread people stopping by.

Sometimes I do a quick declutter of the hallway before the pizza guy comes.

Sometimes I swear to my children's preschool teacher, who came by to drop off their Christmas stuff, that the pile of boxes is an anomaly (they were) and am relieved when she doesn't venture as far as the kitchen.

Sometimes I step out onto the front porch, even if it's 15 degrees out and I'm not wearing shoes.

And sometimes, like today, the unexpected visitor has to come all the way in. Today's visitor was the not unattractive guy changing the water meter, and (as the woman patiently explained on the phone when I called because I'm all paranoid cautious like that) he was stopping by because he'd finished another appointment early. I vaguely remembered that they are, in fact, changing all the water meters in the entire town. Since our water meter is in the basement, I had to let the dude in.

Now, our house is fairly clean at the moment. And even better, the fabulous Hot Guy just spent yesterday cleaning out the basement. The boys were dressed and not trying to kill each other and my shirt didn't even have too many stains on it.

There was absolutely no reason to be embarrassed.

Except that this morning I received my brand new vibrator. (other people read before bed, I take care of business. More relaxing.) My children believe that vibrators are actually back massagers (what? You can use them for that too), so I had casually placed it on the stairs. So I could remember to bring it to my bedroom.

Did I mention that you have to walk past the stairs to get to the basement?

Did I mention that my new toy is bright blue?

Did I mention that water meter guy smirked as we stood by the stairs while he gave me the receipt?

Yeah. A whole bunch of people are going to be laughing at this during happy hour tonight, I bet.

Anyone else have any embarrassing sex toy stories? I really want to read them in the comments or on your blogs. Because there are very few things funnier than an embarrassing sex toy story.

Good Vibrations

(Eva, Rabbits and Why I Hate Posh Spice)

I am a fan of sex toys. I think every girl should be handed a vibrator on her fourteenth birthday and told, "Hold out for this, honey." I really believe it would cut down on more interactive forms of teen sex. But this post is not actually about teen sex. It's about sex toys for adults.

Last night I watched "The Fabulous Life of. . . . " on VH1. It was all about stars and their sex toys. It was late and there was nothing else for me to watch while folding laundry. Okay, I was also curious. I learned about the high end sex toy line they sell at Fred Segal (Jimmy Jane). I learned that Eva Longoria is a big fan of the Rabbit vibrator and gives them as gifts (for some reason this makes me like her a lot, this idea that she has the same vibe that my friends do). I learned that Britney bought a lot of costumes when she was married to K-Fed (not surprising, really). And I learned about Posh Spice's favorite vibrator.

Posh Spice, for those of you able to avoid People magazine and E! Television, married David Beckham, the soccer star. She looks like a plucked chicken, but apparently David likes that. For her birthday one year, he bought her a platinum, diamond encrusted vibrator. It has an attachable diamond necklace so that you can actually wear the vibe. And it cost two million dollars. I'm not sure which horrifies me more - sex toy as jewelery or spending two mil on a sex toy (that isn't a trophy husband or wife).

For the record, the Rabbit costs less than 100 bucks. Having seen Posh's vibe, I can guarantee that the Rabbit does way more. .. .um. . .tricks. So what's the point of the platinum vibe? I guess that you can get off with your jewelery. Talk about class.