No Country for Internet Girl

So I did not have a nervous breakdown.

I also did not come to some great epiphany about being able to lead a full life without the internet. What I realized instead was that I really, really, really like internet access, but that it is possible for me to survive a week without it.

It was a tough week, though.

I discovered that I am a city person, despite having spent the majority of my life living in the suburbs. I get twitchy if I can't walk to a store and/or a restaurant. I do not like driving for a long time just to go to Wal-Mart. Gravel roads make me nervous. I like traffic lights.

My in-laws are lovely people, but they get twitchy in places that are crowded. My mother-in-law thinks it's worth it to drive an hour out of her way to avoid "traffic" (meaning lots of other people on the road, not actual stop and go stuff). They are very much country people.

I appreciate the view of the night sky from their deck, the fact that my kids could ride the go-cart around their property ad nauseam and the lack of nosy neighbors. And that's where my appreciation of country living ends. I could live in a small country town, I think, if I had to. But not all isolated and In Cold Blood like, not where getting snowed in can last for a week, not where no one delivers pizza.

Still, it was worth it to watch the kids with their grandparents and great-grandmother and other family members. I'm just hoping that the next time we visit, I'll have a cell phone that actually works there. Or they will have gotten the internet. Though I'll still be twitchy, at least then I'll have some distractions.

Signs of My Impending Breakdown

I'm about to go off the grid for a week.

Well, not really. There will be electricity and water and such. Thank God.

I will sleep in a real bed, watch satellite TV and drive to Wal-Mart if I need something. But I will have no internet access.

No internet, people.

And my phone?

Motorola Backflip. AKA big disappointment.

 My phone doesn't even work half the time I'm in the "superior" coverage area, so it's not going to work when I'm in the merely "satisfactory". So the phone isn't going to be much help.
I feel like I've been slacking on the internet anyway, what with trip prep and actually cleaning my house* and my awesome date night. But there's a difference between slacking and. . . .

NO INTERNET.

I love my in-laws, but I might love them a tiny bit more if they had the internet at their house. Rather, I might love visiting them more, you know? It will be great to see a few friends and visit my favorite restaurant west of the Mississippi . It will be fun to watch my kids with their other grandparents and great-grandmother. It will be relaxing to not feel compelled to post/write articles/read blogs when I'd much rather be playing on Twitter or Facebook. Except, of course, I will not be able to play on Twitter or Facebook.** Instead I will be imagining or scribbling scenes like this:

A chubby brunette woman who could totally pass for 30 35 steps up to the podium and says, "My name is TripleZmom and I'm addicted to the internet." The crowd cheerfully responds. She takes a deep breath, perhaps finally ready to tell her story, "I. . .I. . .dammit, I don't have any notes. You know why? Because I didn't have a keyboard and my handwriting has become atrocious. I need a fucking keyboard! How am I supposed to tell my story if you won't let me have a keyboard?" 


Her sponsor steps forward, reminding her that she needs to avoid temptation and that she can speak from the heart. The sponsor, it must be noted, has the leathery tan of someone who spends a lot of time outside and the sinewy grace of someone who does a lot of yoga. TripleZmom stares at her, envisioning a future where she too can do yoga and have a natural tan. Then she remembers that the sponsor also spends a lot of time cleaning her house. 


"You know what? Almost everyone I love is on the internet. My writing is on the internet. I've gotten paid for being on the internet.  I even keep track of my exercise on the internet. This addiction isn't hurting me or my family. And frankly, I don't give a damn how much it hurts my housework. I'd rather be traumatized by a week away from it than never have it at all. So who wants to go to the Apple store with me?" The brunette strides out of the hall, followed by nearly everyone in the cheering crowd. Eventually even the sponsor slips furtively out the door. 


I think my internet withdrawal is already starting. Have a fabulous week!***


*Okay, the WHOLE house isn't clean. But a lot of it is - I mean, I scrubbed floors and everything. How do people do that every week? Ugh.

**Please, please, please like my page on FB while I'm gone and/or follow me on Twitter and/or join with Google Friend Connect (in the sidebar) and/or sign up for my feed (top sidebar) and/or ease my week-without-internet pain in some way. I will do it for you when I come back, if I haven't already.

***If you are thinking about robbing my house, please keep in mind that all of our electronics are at least 5 years old, we have an alarm system, nosy neighbors, booby traps and all my good jewelry is coming with me.