Signs of the Impending Apocalypse, Part 15

I'm not saying that there's definitely going to be an apocalypse anytime soon, I'm just saying that IF there is, these are the signs.

1. The devotion of Justin Bieber's fan base. Look, the kid is driving drunk and doing drugs and egging houses and smacking limo drivers; if that's not a cry for a spanking and an extended time out, I don't what is. But his fans don't want him to get help; they think he's just great the way he is. Don't tell anyone, but once upon a time I had a HUGE crush on Charlie Sheen (I blame Platoon). But when I found out that he was smacking whores around during coke-filled binges, I didn't defend him. Or even like him so much anymore. Besides, when Miley Cyrus is giving the sensible advice about how to stay out of trouble with the law, it's just a bad sign.

2. Mike Huckabee. The fact that an adult, (presumably?) educated man thinks birth control pills are about women's libidos is depressing on so many levels.

3. History Channel programming. I was an history major as an undergrad, so usually I'm not actually surprised when I see things on the history channel. I know there was a (failed) plot to kill Hitler and I know that the Battle of Gettysburg was brutal, which apparently are the most important episodes in history ever, at least based on how often those stories are on the History channel when Hot Guy turns it on. But at least they are verifiable, unlike the topics I saw on shows yesterday. One was about possible alien influences on historical events, the other was about possible angelic interventions in historical events. I guess if "The Learning Channel" can show Honey Boo Boo, the History Channel can show supernatural speculation. I hope the aliens rescue me before the apocalypse.

4. Austin and Ally. Not only did they "win" my (incredibly small and unscientific) poll about the worst shows on the Disney Channel, there is what may be the worst "romantic" music video I've ever seen.

5. Super skinny jeans. Ichabod Crane, at least as he's portrayed on Sleepy Hollow, came up with this first. But he was right. Super skinny jeans only look good on models and skinny 9 year olds like Ironflower and I can't imagine they feel good on anybody.

6. Vomiting is now art. Click here if you don't believe me, but only if you have a strong stomach. Otherwise, trust me when I say that there's a woman out there who drinks colored milk and vomits it onto canvases, which are then sold as art. Probably for a lot more money than I've ever made for a blog post.

7. J.K. Rowling regrets having Ron and Hermione wind up together. I have no words.

8. A snowstorm paralyzed Atlanta. Not because of the amount of snow, but because of the traffic jams and the inability of all the jurisdictions to work and plan together.

9. Cookie dough Oreos. First of all, why mess with cookie perfection? Leave Oreos alone, you monsters! Second of all, the flavor they decide to put into the cookies is. . . raw cookie? That's just wrong.

What have I missed?

Because I Don't Do Sappy Very Well

They tell you that motherhood profoundly changes you. They tell you that you've never imagined love that deep. They tell you that you will become more selfless than you'd ever imagined. They tell you that your life will never be the same.

And you realize it quickly, as you stare into that little face. As you function on two hours of sleep. As you read the same story for the 1,000th time. As you try to give your friend advice on what to wear to a formal event and realize you haven't been to one yourself since 2002. As you physically miss your children when they spend the night at grandma's.

What they don't tell you is how your capacity for grossness will change. Sure, they mention dirty diapers. But I was a nanny. I baby-sat. Dirty diapers hadn't fazed me in the first place. But it wasn't until I was a parent until I realized that dirty diapers are merely the tip of the iceberg.

Ironflower had gastric reflux for the first 8 months of her life. She threw up everywhere, all the time. We told each friend she threw up on that could call themselves aunt or uncle. And I, I whose stomach had retched so easily at just the thought of vomit, was totally calm. In fact, I became rather scientific as I cleaned up each round of vomit - what color would it be this time? Hot Guy was even more impressive, though. Once, as he held her over his head, she threw up. Into his open mouth. The fact that he didn't run screaming out the front door then has always made me a bit complacent about our family.

Next came Lovebug. He seemed so clean, comparatively speaking. Rarely threw up. Had lots of little poops instead of big explosive ones. Wouldn't eat baby food, so he didn't really eat solid food until he was old enough to keep it in his mouth. I should have known that he'd get back at me eventually. He STILL won't poop on the potty, you know. He waits until bedtime when he's wearing his training pants and then goes for it (Although the other day he went up to his room in the afternoon, changed into training pants, pooped, then changed back into his underwear. Quite a kid, my Lovebug.). Then takes off the training pants and drops them on the floor. The carpeted floor of his room. So now I've been an expert at scrubbing shit.

Now the bodily functions of my children don't bother me at all. I don't even have a moment of nausea, or repulsion. Which is why - and I can't believe I'm admitting this, except that I'm kinda hoping that someone else will admit to doing the same thing - I watched as ChunkyMonkey pooped this morning. He's just started having solid ones. Thinking he was done, I started to change him. But he had more and I watched it come out. I was kinda fascinated. I have never seen that much poop come out of a baby. Seriously, it was impressive.

If anyone had told me five years ago that I would just sit there and watch my baby's poop come out, I would have thrown a drink at them.

So yeah, there's deep love and fierce protectiveness that comes along with motherhood. And, apparently, also an ability to appreciate a big poop.

Happy Mother's Day!