Signs of the Impending Apocalypse, Part 15

I'm not saying that there's definitely going to be an apocalypse anytime soon, I'm just saying that IF there is, these are the signs.

1. The devotion of Justin Bieber's fan base. Look, the kid is driving drunk and doing drugs and egging houses and smacking limo drivers; if that's not a cry for a spanking and an extended time out, I don't what is. But his fans don't want him to get help; they think he's just great the way he is. Don't tell anyone, but once upon a time I had a HUGE crush on Charlie Sheen (I blame Platoon). But when I found out that he was smacking whores around during coke-filled binges, I didn't defend him. Or even like him so much anymore. Besides, when Miley Cyrus is giving the sensible advice about how to stay out of trouble with the law, it's just a bad sign.

2. Mike Huckabee. The fact that an adult, (presumably?) educated man thinks birth control pills are about women's libidos is depressing on so many levels.

3. History Channel programming. I was an history major as an undergrad, so usually I'm not actually surprised when I see things on the history channel. I know there was a (failed) plot to kill Hitler and I know that the Battle of Gettysburg was brutal, which apparently are the most important episodes in history ever, at least based on how often those stories are on the History channel when Hot Guy turns it on. But at least they are verifiable, unlike the topics I saw on shows yesterday. One was about possible alien influences on historical events, the other was about possible angelic interventions in historical events. I guess if "The Learning Channel" can show Honey Boo Boo, the History Channel can show supernatural speculation. I hope the aliens rescue me before the apocalypse.

4. Austin and Ally. Not only did they "win" my (incredibly small and unscientific) poll about the worst shows on the Disney Channel, there is what may be the worst "romantic" music video I've ever seen.

5. Super skinny jeans. Ichabod Crane, at least as he's portrayed on Sleepy Hollow, came up with this first. But he was right. Super skinny jeans only look good on models and skinny 9 year olds like Ironflower and I can't imagine they feel good on anybody.

6. Vomiting is now art. Click here if you don't believe me, but only if you have a strong stomach. Otherwise, trust me when I say that there's a woman out there who drinks colored milk and vomits it onto canvases, which are then sold as art. Probably for a lot more money than I've ever made for a blog post.

7. J.K. Rowling regrets having Ron and Hermione wind up together. I have no words.

8. A snowstorm paralyzed Atlanta. Not because of the amount of snow, but because of the traffic jams and the inability of all the jurisdictions to work and plan together.

9. Cookie dough Oreos. First of all, why mess with cookie perfection? Leave Oreos alone, you monsters! Second of all, the flavor they decide to put into the cookies is. . . raw cookie? That's just wrong.

What have I missed?

Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

1. Now even Target is selling padded bras for little girls. It was bad enough for Abercrombie and Fitch to do it, but what else can you expect from them? But for Target to have padded bras on one side and my daughter's Tinkerbell underwear on the other side of the rack in the Girls' section is just WRONG. And if you buy a daughter under 15 a padded bra? You have issues.

2. Michele Bachmann. Proving that ignorance is not bliss.

3. Colin Farrell speaking at Elizabeth Taylor's funeral (the things you learn when you watch the E! ticker). How on earth did they become such good friends?

4. Glenn Beck. Obviously he is the devil.

5. Kim Kardashian's single. I don't hate the Kardashians for being famous for making sex tapes and reality shows, but can't they just stick with what they know? It's a little late for them to convince us that they have any talent.

6. TLC, the channel. It used to be called The Learning Channel. Now all you learn is how to run a bakery in Hoboken, have gazillions of children and/or have lots of wives. Just because I watch the shows doesn't mean I respect them. (see also: entire Real Housewives franchise). My TV viewing habits are on a par with a frat boy on spring break: I'll watch anything, even if I won't admit it to my friends later.

7. The woman suing the New York preschool because she's afraid her daughter won't get into the Ivy League. It is so not going to be the preschool's fault when that little girl doesn't get into an Ivy League college, it's going to be the mother's fault for driving the poor kid into a mental institution before she can even take her SATs for the first time.

8. Justin Bieber. If Glenn Beck isn't the devil, then it has to be the Biebs. Who else would steal a hairstyle from lesbians?

What signs have I missed?

Glenn Beck Is a Mormon and Other Stuff That Scares Me

Before we start, let me say that I am not afraid of Mormons per se. I am afraid of fundamentalists and fanatics, it doesn't matter which kind. But.

*Glenn Beck. He's just so ignorant. And the fact that Glenn Beck is a Mormon SHOULD also strike fear in the hearts of Tea Party Christians because according to them, Mormons aren't "real" Christians. The fact that they embrace him while accusing our proclaimed Protestant President of being Muslim REALLY scares me. I am afraid of people whose grip with reality is so tenuous that they can't even see their own hypocrisy (see fear of fundamentalists and fanatics above).

*Hoarders. Specifically, sometimes I identify with the people on Hoarders. Although not the ones with pets or that eat rotten food. But the ones that just can't organize their crap and then let it all pile up? That's where my desk is heading. Of course it's really a table and not a desk, so maybe that's part of the problem.

*Deep-fried butter. I love me some butter, but it's a condiment. You're supposed to slather it on things, not just eat it. Plus, it already tastes good. You don't need to deep-fry it like you do with squid or something.

*Some Facebook status updates. People over the age of 30 should not have status updates that read like those of a recently dumped 16 year old or give details about their sex lives. If I want to hear about your sex life or how bitter you are about being dumped, I'll take you out drinking.

*Jagermeister. Every time I've had it, I've thrown up. Once when a sip of it was the only alcohol I'd had to drink. Seriously.

*Tareq. He's one of the husbands on Real Housewives of D.C., for those of you who have lives. If  he turns out to be a serial killer I will not be surprised.

*Lee Rider slimming jeans. It's like wearing Spanx made out of aluminum.

*Christine O'Donnell. I don't care about her "dabbling" in witchcraft (though I wonder why her Tea Party Christians are okay with it) but anyone who doesn't understand the difference between sex and masturbation is obviously some kind of fanatic (see above).

I Love The Video Music Awards

I watched some of the VMAs last night. I don't know why, since I can't remember the last time I actually watched a music video and find the whole auto-tune/lip-syncing culture of current popular "artists" kind of abhorrent. I do have kind of a girl crush on Chelsea Handler, though.

Anyway, since I can actually remember the day MTV started, I'm pretty much out of its demographic anymore, but it was interesting seeing what the kids are listening to these days. I probably shouldn't make fun of artists young enough to be my sons, but Justin Bieber is SO the next Gibb brother. Or Gibb grandchild. He's such a BeeGee. And I think he'll last about as long. I can't believe he makes me actually long for the wit of the Jonas Brothers. And Drake? What is the point of Drake? He can't rap and I would have turned off his song if Mary J. Blige hadn't been singing it . . .why was his name in lights when she was doing all the work?

I missed Eminem. I have a crush on him too. But I kind of wish he'd beaten the crap out of Drake.

I discovered Florence and the Machine. I had never heard of them - because, um, I don't actually watch MTV and New York radio stations suck - but I am so glad I watched them. They're actually talented.

I wonder about Lady Gaga. If she has the longevity of Madonna, for example, what the hell will she be wearing to the awards in a few years? Midgets?

I look forward to the day Taylor Swift donates a small percentage of her gazillion dollars to the Kanye West Memorial Fund for Overblown Hip Hop Stars Who Have Become Homeless.

Why did Chris Colfer from Glee look like he was still wearing his rehearsal clothes? I mean, I know it's not the Oscars, but a little effort is never wrong. (Note to Lady Gaga: I said a LITTLE effort, not enough effort for yourself and 2 or 3 assistants.)

I still like Linkin Park.

I was intrigued by all "The Social Network" trailers.

I would never, ever actually want to go the VMAs.

Hell Is Other People

Perhaps it's anxiety about Ironflower starting kindergarten tomorrow, perhaps it's the fact that no matter how much a try, I am just not kind-hearted, but I wish I had a license to smack people upside the head. Just hard enough to jar them a bit and  release my tension, of course.

Like all these so-called Christians on their anti-Muslim crusade. Don't build a community center with a mosque 2 blocks from Ground Zero! Let's burn the Koran! Muslims are bad! I mean, I understand that certain branches of Christianity are all about converting others to their religion, but is this seriously the way to go about it? And do they honestly feel that the average beer-swilling, hot dog loving, Jersey Shore watching American is going to be seduced into becoming a Muslim? Besides which, if they want to complain about fanatics and the like, why don't they clean up Christianity first? Have they not heard about the FLDS and all the 14 year old girls married to old men? Shouldn't Glenn Beck take care of his own brethren first?

I think smacking all the people in that group would probably wear me out, but if not I'd start next on the woman I saw yesterday. Now, I do honestly try really hard not to judge other parents, but since I'm also trying to be kinder and quieter and to exercise more, I'm kind of worn out. So, anyway, the woman yesterday. She had this cute little baby, 4 months old max, and she was feeding her baby food. Few 4 month olds need baby food and this one certainly didn't - she wasn't even attempting to swallow it. It was all over her and she looked absolutely miserable. The woman kept shoveling at her until the jar was empty. Why do people try to force feed their kids? Why do people give baby food before 6 months? Aren't American Academy of Pediatricians recommendations good enough?

Speaking of good enough, I stayed up too late watching Can't Buy Me Love recently. It's one of the greatest 80's teen movies NOT made by John Hughes and I still love it. But the clothes - wow. I realized just how trashy and anorexic the teen world has become while watching that movie. I mean, there were baggy clothes (as there were in the '80's) and the girls were thin, not anorexic. It amazed me how unslutty everything was. And that depresses me enough to want to smack myself upside the head. I am OLD. I really feel like the coke-fueled '80's were a more innocent time. Help.

I will also need help smacking the heads of the Jersey Shore cast, whoever decided that Thomas the Tank Engine should be priced like collectible jewelery, the creators of Dora the Explorer and of Diego as well, the jackals at Staples yesterday who nearly ran over a toddler, people who don't know how to use apostrophes, people who still think Obama is Muslim, a Kenyan citizen  or both, people who don't watch Glee and/or Modern Family and everyone who likes Justin Bieber.

Ah, I feel better now.

Simon Cowell Is Like A Margarita

A former contestant on Britain's Got Talent is suing Simon Cowell because he humiliated her on the show. When I snorted while reading the article, Hot Guy wanted to know what was up.

I think it's a testimony to our love that my snorts, instead of repelling him, make him interested in whatever I am reading.

So I explained about the suit. I may have also implied that this woman does not deserve several million pounds for getting humiliated on a Simon Cowell show, since by now even people who hate pop culture know what happens when you sing in front of Simon Cowell.

This is a man, after all, who does not appreciate Jennifer Hudson.

I expected Hot Guy to agree. I mean, the humiliation of others is half the reason people watch those shows. And while the other judges might dash dreams, Simon makes a sport of how nasty he can be. So anyone who does audition should know exactly what they're in for, shouldn't they?

Instead, I got to hear a little lecture about how dreadful it is that Simon Cowell makes so much money being mean to people and basically he deserves every frivolous law suit he gets.

I was a little taken aback. Hot Guy usually agrees with me about frivolous law suits AND he's always said that he won't watch any competition shows because of the annoying screams of the adolescent audience.

But now I see Hot Guy's point. Simon's mean just to be mean and it does seem rather unfair that he's got more money that the queen because of it.

So now I'm wondering what song I should sing for my audition. I guarantee he will  be very nasty to me because I can't carry a tune unless I think no one else is listening. Then I can sue him for several million dollars and finally buy a new dishwasher. And redo my basement. . .

Damn,  I'm too old for American Idol and I don't think Simon's on America's Got Talent (I'm pretty sure David Hasselhoff is , but there's no point in suing him. Better he saves his money for another trip to rehab). Which is understandable, because the truth is, I don't think Simon Cowell yelling at me would make me feel humiliated like it would have at 20. It would just make me ask him if it's true that his penis is only 3 inches long (c'mon, it must be - what other excuse for his bitterness is there?) and somehow I don't think this would help me with the whole "poor humiliated woman" case.

So there go my dreams for suing Simon Cowell. But hey, at least I've come to agree with Hot Guy on the whole thing. Though I still say frivolous lawsuits are bad, they are not bad if they involve Simon Cowell. Like tequila is bad, unless it's part of a margarita.

Poop On The Beach

The universe is testing me.

Two subjects that other people manage every day are completely tripping me up.

Other people, for example, don't secretly hope to run into douchebags so that they can get a blog post out of it. Other people, I gather, might not even automatically assume that someone is a douchebag within 10 seconds of seeing them. So I've been trying to be more open-minded and tolerant.

Also, I notice that I'm always telling my kids to ask directly and politely for what they want, and to speak up for themselves. Yet there are many occasions - especially with strangers and doctors, for example - where I don't take my own advice.

I was just thinking about my personal goals on Saturday while I was watching the big kids at a local pool. They were in the shallow water, playing happily, and I was chatting with my Dad  - who not only met us there, but managed to snag 2 comfy chairs and a place in the shade. Awesome. There was a group in front of us with 2 toddlers. I started paying attention when I noticed the little girl running around naked and heard one of the adults say, "But is she potty trained?"

The child's mother replied, "If she's naked, it's fine. She can just go in the sand. " You know, the sand were kids were digging at that very moment. THAT SAND. Not the sand off in the bushes away from people who were digging and eating and laying in the sand.

"Um, I think she's already gone, " said the first guy. And super mom said, "Oh, she pooped. You can just scoop it up with one of the sand toys and throw it in the trash."

That's right, the child had pooped into the sand where people were digging and eating and laying. And then they used her toy shovel to scoop it up and throw it into the trash can. And they didn't even rinse off the shovel.

I mean, how the hell am I supposed to ignore this level of douchebaggery? How can I not post about the crazy people who think it's okay to let their kids poop where dogs can't? And to use their kids' toys to scoop up poop?

I can't. I have failed this test, universe. And you know what? I'm okay with failing this part of the test. There are just too many douchebags in the world for me to be a kind, happy blogger.

BUT.

What I am ashamed of is failing to say anything to these people. I just stared at my Dad, both of our mouths wide open. Usually I can think of a good question or comment within 48 hours of an incident, but I am still at a loss. Should I have said anything? And, if so, what?

Help me here, internets.

Who Says the Art of Writing Letters is Dead?

Dear charity-seeking neighbor,

We have never met. In fact, I don't even have a nodding acquaintance with anyone in your section of the cul-de-sac. And yet you sent me this request for a donation to your favorite cause. I am not sure why this bothers me more than if your group had sent me a direct donation request, but it does. Am I suppose to think, "Gee, I'll give my charity dollars to THIS charity because the lady down the street supports it,"? Here's the thing; I don't know you. You could be a Tea Party member. Or a Klan member (same difference?). Living on my street doesn't tell me anything about your personality. As for your charity, I have only vaguely heard of it and your donation request offered no information. So, no, I won't be sending them any money. Ever.

Sincerely,

The loud woman from down the street

Dear leaf-blower addicts,

You are not making the world a better place. You are a leading contributor of noise and air pollution. You are wasting precious gas. And by tonight, all that crap you blew off the sidewalk will be right back where it started. Special note to the landscapers of my neighborhood: STOP using the LEAF-BLOWER around my patio, you are actually blowing dirt onto it. Also, stop moving my chairs.

Seriously,

The messy lady on the end

Dear old people who coo at my son

Thank you for smiling instead of wincing when he starts screaming. Thank you for engaging him when I run out of energy. I bet none of you own leaf-blowers. In short, I love you.

Thanks,

The tired lady with the screaming toddler

Dear Ben & Jerry's,

Stop putting crack in your ice cream. I know it's in there, because ever since I had "Chocolate Therapy" the other night, I can't stop craving it. Just once and I am totally hooked. . .just like all those people on Intervention and Addiction. My husband swears that you are good guys and would never do something so dangerous. He says it's MY problem. So could you please announce that you're taking the crack out? Then I can prove that I'm right and stop the cravings.

Thanks,

The lady who is running out of elastic-waist pants

Dear NBC,

First you wouldn't spend the money to advertise how awesome Friday Night Lights is. Then you put Jay Leno on all the time, when Jay is just not that funny to people under 70. Then you screw Conan O'Brien, who is not only funny but classier than you'll ever be. If you fuck with Mercy, 30 Rock or Community, you're dead to me.

Sincerely,

The lady who watches way too much TV

I'm Becoming A Republican

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. And I've realized some things. I don't have a lot, but what I do have I definitely don't want to share with people less fortunate than myself. It's not my fault they were born poor or got a horrible disease or were victims of astounding violence, so why should I care? Besides, a lot of them don't look like me. And that makes me nervous.

And all those assholes who think the government can run health insurance. . .I mean, geez, they can't run anything. Sure, we have the most reliable infrastructure in the world and corrupt politicians don't win much and we haven't had any terrorist succeed since 9/11 but that doesn't mean I trust the government to take care of my health. I mean, my insurance company is always trying to get me out of operations and stuff. Those people who don't have insurance just need to work more or get rid of those pre-existing conditions.

Also, the Bible obviously has a point about homosexuality being bad because we got rid of all those soldiers through Don't Ask, Don't Tell and it's not like we need extra soldiers, right?  But the part in1 Corinthians 6:10 where it puts fornicators, adulterers and slanderers on the same level as homosexuals - well, that's not what God meant. So many people doing his work are fornicators and adulterers and slanderers and well, I mean, homosexuality - that's just so weird, right? So clearly THAT's the point of the text, not that all of those sinners should be tarred with the same brush. I mean, the Bible also says drunkenness is a sin, but clearly it's not serious about that one. I mean, there are special rehabs for priests!

And have you seen some of the houses of those people who work on Wall St.? Just awesome. They must be doing so well for themselves, I can't imagine why anyone would think they need more oversight. They totally need to be left alone to make their money - surely it will trickle down to the rest of us. Although I know one of their maids, and they don't provide health insurance for her or pay her enough so she can afford it herself. Sure it's an honest mistake.

And finally, I'm going to quit blogging. It's taking me away from housework and we all know how important housework should be to me. Hot Guy says so and after all, he's the MAN.

Hehe.

They Don't Need A Freak Show Anymore

You know what is supremely wonderful about the circus? The other people are just as fantastic as the acts. Especially when you go to the circus in Newark, NJ.

I mean, it was Ringling Brothers, so of course the circus itself was fabulous. Except for the tigers and the elephants. I just feel like they're looking at us, trying to say, "I am a majestic beast, dammit! Of course I can roll over, motherfucker." For some reason I don't get the same impression from the llamas and miniature ponies. Anyway, there was much jumping and flipping by amazing athletes, 6 motorcyclists in the globe cage (I remember when there were only 2 - and that was super cool) and clowns that didn't freak me out too much.

But I can't say the same about the people watching the circus. They freaked me out A LOT. For example, after standing in line to enter the arena for a good 10 minutes, where they repeatedly stated "Have your tickets out!" over the loudspeaker, some people still could not grasp this. As soon as they got to the front of the line, they opened their bags and SEARCHED for their tickets. I don't know if they were all extremely stupid or extremely thoughtless, but the result was the same - more standing in line for the rest of us.

Speaking of stupidity, shouldn't seat 1 be at the start of a section? Like let's say you're sitting in section 3 and you are in seat 1 in row whatever, wouldn't you expect seat 1 to come first? Like if you walked from section 2, wouldn't you expect section 3's seating to start with 1? It doesn't. Unless you go backwards from section 4. And boy, did the ghetto fabulous usher who grabbed my tickets tell me how dumb I was for assuming seat 1 in section 3 would be closer to section 2. Not that I actually wanted her help, because I can read numbers. And not that she really helped, she just yelled that I should have come in the other way. Considering that there were about 20 people in the entire section at that point, I think her bitchiness was unjustified. Which is why I snapped, "I know EXACTLY where I'm going" and gave her a totally snooty look.

I also gave a snooty look to the guy 3 rows in front of us with his electronic cigarette. Not that I have a problem with cigarettes that don't harm others, but who really can't make it through the circus without a cigarette? Do you think he also brings it into the shower? He also sported hair gel and tight black jeans - stuff that was cool when we were both young. That might have prejudiced me against him. The clincher was when he rolled he sleeve up and had his wife apply cream to his new tattoo. I have nothing against tattoos per se; I have two of my own. And it's because I have tattoos of my own that I can say no one needs to apply cream that often. What a douche.

And speaking of douches, a special Jerseygirl shout out goes to the asshole who thought it was funny when his kid smacked the lady in front of him with his sword. I was embarrassed when my kid smacked the ladies in front of him with his sword, thank you very much.

And on a sadder note, both of my children want to be clowns. They were entranced the whole time, but clearly I've screwed them up so much already that they want to be clowns.

This Post Has No Main Idea

I like to call myself a realist. Some might say "cynical bitch", but those people also might say "I think The Bachelor helps people find true love", so really, who cares what they think? Anyway, I really soured on romance thanks to my ex-husband, who was a great one for romantic gestures and also for being a total selfish asshole, but even as a child I wondered how an abused maid like Cinderella would get along with a prince's family.

I'm always looking for the dark backstory, and generally there is one. Let's take Chastity Bono - er, I mean Chas Bono - shall we? When I was a little girl in the '70's, I watched Sonny and Cher with my mom. My favorite part was whenever little Chastity came out in a sparkling dress that matched her mother's. I secretly longed for a mom with straight hair who wore glittery dresses on TV, one who would put me on TV too. I got over it quickly, especially after I heard that Sonny and Cher got divorced. I got even more over it when Sonny became a Republican politician. And, er, now that little Chastity is a man (not that there's anything wrong with that) . . .well, let's just say it's probably good I never wore a sparkly dress on TV.

Sure, sometimes I think it would be nice to think that Katie and Tom do really love each other and that it's not just a business arrangement, or that EVERYONE on Rock of Love was acting, but that's not who I am. But as I listen to the news and read magazines, I start to wish that everyone was more like me.

We're going to run out of oil. Health care costs are going to be out of reach for the average American. We're not going to just "win" the Middle East like we did World War II. People who can't afford it, are too young or too insane for it are going to keep breeding. Not everyone can own a flat screen TV.

And we need to accept that.

Our current situation is the dark backstory to the Reagan and Clinton years. Every politician proclaims that he or she can fix things, if this or that bill is passed it will fix things. Bullshit.

Can't we just stop being optimistic Americans for one minute and realize that fighting on Fox News isn't going to fix jack shit - and neither is either political party? We need to accept our dark back story and learn how to manage it.

Look at Chas Bono. Her mother is a gay icon, the ultimate feminine fantasy-woman. Does Chas try to emulate her? Try to become her eager assistant? Try to become an earth mother archetype in rebellion? No. He goes in a completely different direction. Not dwelling on the past or hostiley rejecting it.

Although, the cynical part of me wonders how much of it had to do with those sparkly dresses.

And It's Over

What happened to the liberal media elite . . .and how can we get them to come back?

Hell, at this point, I'll even take a conservative media elite. I'd just like the word "elite" to come back to the news.

Remember when news shows and newspapers were informative and the talking heads were kinda boring? Remember when they used fact checkers and didn't just insult each other?

It's a vague memory for me too, actually. But at least a few years ago I didn't have to hear the Headline News anchor repeat what Clark in Louisiana thinks. And then beg me to send in my own comments.

Look, if I want to know what the "average" person is thinking I'm sure I can find out through the magical powers of the blogosophere. Or Facebook. Not that I'm sure WHY I care what some person I don't know, whose credentials are not checked and could in fact be one really bored 13 year old boy.

But even if I was interested. . .does that mean it has to be on the NEWS?

Opinions are not news - that's why they're not on the front page of the newspaper. And while I understand that it may be challenging to air the news 24-7, do we really have to resort to sharing the texts of people bored in the drive-thru line at McDonald's? There are lots of wars going on, you know. There's this continent called Africa where people are actually being slaughtered. There's a scary flu virus. There's yet another "family values" congressman caught cheating. There's a new season of Friday Night Lights, for God's sake.

Good-bye CNN. . .now that you've lowered yourself to my standards, I don't want you anymore.

F*ck You, Rush Limbaugh

And you, Bill O'Reilly. And you, Sean Hannity. And most especially you, Glenn Beck. And every news producer who has replayed anything those you idiots have said, which I'm pretty sure covers every media outlet.

Because there's a difference between disagreement and disgusting behavior, and you all have crossed it. And I happen to know that Bill, at least, is playing a role and doesn't believe everything he spouts (or lets his viewers spout). But this playing to the lunatic fringes makes me nauseous.

If the birther movement wasn't bad enough (like that wouldn't have been checked by all the McCain and Clinton resources already? Seriously?), now we've got people comparing Obama to Hitler. If it's not his "socialized" medicine (I guess then the UK, Canada and Ireland are all socialist countries, maybe we should stop asking them to assist us in our wars), then it's the fact that schoolchildren sang a song about him. Because it was okay when schoolchildren sang songs about Bush (Jon Stewart showed a lovely song thanking Bush and FEMA for all their help, sung by young Katrina victims, for example), but when people do it for Obama it means he wants to be Hitler? And the schoolchildren are being indoctrinated? Like public school isn't one long series of indoctrinations?

I mean, I really don't care if they hate Obama. I certainly had a strong aversion to Bush. But. . . .I didn't go around comparing him to Hitler. Because you know what? He wasn't trying to exterminate everyone he deemed undesirable (at least not directly) and he didn't try to take over Europe. Totally not like Hitler.

And neither is Obama. There's no extermination, no take over the world plans and no dissolution of Congress.  Nor is he a socialist, if you actually understand the definition of the word. But I guess the viewers love those phrases, whether they're actually true or not. So the talking heads keep using them, spinning the idiots of this country up until they all think that our president is a too-smart Kenyan who wants to be Hitler or Mussolini.  Meanwhile, proud Republicans like Tom DeLay go on Dancing With the Stars, where they can really make a difference.

But, honestly, would a smart person actually want to be Hitler? He committed suicide. And Mussolini was executed. Demagogues don't usually walk gently into a luxurious old age. Of course, Rush, Bill, Sean and Glenn know that (I think). They probably know that comparing Obama to Hitler is incendiary and ridiculous. They just don't care. It's not about debating about what's best for our country anymore, it's about naming calling and who's "winning" by getting the most viewers and votes for their favorites.

It's not like they really care.

Click Whore

Many moons ago, I used to post on a site called "Blogit". It was under a different name, so don't bother looking for me there. . . . there are just some things that should remain anonymous. Anyway, Blogit was a blogging community where you got pennies for page views, but the real thrill was to make the top ten in the various categories.

Well, I say it was the real thrill because A., I'm competitive and B., I made about 80 bucks after practically living on that site for 6 months. I quickly learned that the best way to get page views - and my name on the top tens - was to name check other bloggers in my posts. Eventually it got to the point where I just started a blog called "Click Whore" to separate my power-grabbing, name-dropping writing from the real stuff.

When I ventured out into the real blogging world, I did my best to avoid click whoredom. Any mentions of other bloggers were heartfelt and any comments I made on other people's blogs were genuine. I slowly built up my readers to a certain point. Then I got distracted by other (paid) writing work and three kids and the blog sort of stagnated.

Which was truly okay with me. I didn't need hundreds of subscribers or thousands of page views! I wasn't going to spend all of my family time blogging! As long as a few people were reading, I was FINE.

Then, one day last week, my traffic spiked. Tripled, to be exact. Just for one day. I searched to see if someone supercool (wait, everyone who links to me is supercool) famous had linked to me or dugg me or whatever, but I couldn't find anything. I couldn't find a trackback, either.

The only thing I knew was that the spike had happened when I posted about The Fresh Beat Band.

And now I've become a click whore. I mean, I don't even know if it was The Fresh Beat Band that got me the readers, but I'm stooping to mentioning them. Which may not even work. Like whoring myself out to a guy who'll pay me with his gambling money. . .if he wins.

Suddenly I can see it all so clearly. . .

She stumbles out of the seedy hotel, leopard print mini-skirt flipping, long red wig slightly askew. "Damn it, that poor bastard didn't have enough. . .Why didn't he win? I need more, more. . .just one more day with all that traffic and then I'll be done, I swear.. . . . HEY YOU!" She takes off quickly but slows down when the the transparent heel of her stiletto breaks off. A man in a trenchcoat runs in the opposite direction. "Wait! Foot fetish pictures! Angelina Jolie naked! With Levi Johnston!" She starts to cry as the man disappears. Just as she finishes wiping her nose on the sleeve of her pink faux angora (fauxgora?) sweater, a young woman approaches her.

"It doesn't work that way anymore, ma'am. But if you just come over here the Wal-Mart, we can take your picture and you can have internet fame of a different sort. . . "

I Never Should Have Turned On the TV

Let's take a moment to think about the Fresh Beat Band, formerly known as The Jumparounds.

Done yet?

Unless you have very young children, you probably have no idea who I'm talking about. Lucky you.

The Fresh Beat Band has a show on Nickelodeon. I've never seen it, I've only been subjected to their music videos, which are played all the time on Noggin. They are annoyingly catchy, like Roxette. But for preschoolers.

Anyway, I looked them up this morning. Not because I want to buy an album - I swear - but because one of them looks vaguely familiar. It turns out that I don't know her, but in my explorations I did discover something odd.

Oh my God, so much explanation for something and it's not that big of a deal. Sorry.

There are a lot of parents out there with very passionate feelings about the Fresh Beat Band. And they all have way too much time on their hands. I mean, I know people argue on message boards instead of just writing their own blogs (though I don't know why since here I can just delete anyone who disagrees with me), but a children's band? Really? Shouldn't parents have better things to argue about, like the introduction of solid food?

What is wrong with people? No wonder W. was president for 8 years and no one understands the politics of the recession and health care reform. . .they're all busy fighting about whether the Fresh Beat Band members are "too pretty" (Is everyone on Noggin supposed to be as freakish looking the humans on Lazytown?).

And I'd like to know how the hell they have time for this. As a parent who spends a LOT of time on the computer (er, I work on here. It's not all Facebook.) and doesn't even have time to look at message boards, I wonder if all of these people have maids and nannies? I somehow doubt it.

Or maybe they care so much about what's on Noggin because all their children do is watch it?

PS To the person who said that they "Have" to lip sync because they're also dancing. . . go see a Broadway show. Or a high school show, for that matter. They can dance and sing at the same time. It's called talent.

PPS To the people complaining that the videos are just advertising. . . .the whole damn network is advertising. You think they're being noble by not having traditional commercials? No, they're selling your kids all the characters so that you wind up buying Dora dolls, Diego toothbrushes, Max and Ruby books. .. .uh, not that I've been that naive. No way.

It's NOT Your Party

Yesterday Lovebug told me a joke. He and Ironflower tell a lot of jokes, most of which are humorous to them only. But I laugh anyway. I think it's in the job description. Anyway, Lovebug told me this gem: "Mary had a little lamb." I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to continue with the nursery rhyme or some version thereof. He continued, "It's dead".

Now, my first thought was that it was mildly funny. Then I thought, why is my three year old making jokes about dead animals? I quickly blamed his too frequent viewings of Family Guy, which he loves to watch with Hot Guy. I asked about that and I was shot down. Apparently Lovebug learned the joke from the children's magician he saw at the library. Hot Guy told me that he also made jokes about his little volunteers kissing each other.

And he's not the only one. I've seen children's singers doing the same kinds of jokes. And don't get me started on the clowns, one of whom talked about dirty balloon animals, much to Ironflower's chagrin. "But how will he get them dirty, Mommy? Are we going outside?"

I'm one of the last people (polyamorous pagans would undoubtedly be behind me, for example) anyone would describe as conservative, but I'm starting to have some conservative thoughts. Even though I let my children watch Family Guy, I don't like it when children's entertainers get all wink, wink, nudge, nudge, let's make the adults laugh.

Call me crazy, but I think there's something creepy about a man in a weird outfit making kissing jokes while surrounded by small children. Or dead animal jokes. Or saying anything that I think is funny, because I have a sick sense of humor and children's entertainment should not.

Don't they realize that by virtue of their "children's entertainer" job description that it's not about the adults? If it was, all the children would be with a babysitter and Chris Rock would be performing. And kids don't need dead animal jokes or kissing jokes, they can laugh hysterically by just saying the word "strawberry" to each other a few times. Totally different kind of audience.

How do you feel about children's entertainers?

Pishew You!

Even though Hot Guy grew up around guns and hunting, we've avoided the gun issue as parents of young children. Why teach them about guns before they were ready to learn gun safety? In fact, my kids didn't know what guns were until they went to preschool.

Then Lovebug came home shooting things.

He points his arm out and says, "Pishew! Pishew!" to indicate that he's gotten us. He doesn't call it shooting, he calls it , "Pishewing". He calls the things he makes out of Legos his "Pishewers". And we avoid the "g" word, because I don't think guns should be thought of as toys. But I also don't want to stop what appears to be some sort of instinctive male tendency.

Then we met the boys with guns.

Not much older than Lovebug's 3, the boys carried water guns as tall as they were. They carried them into my parents' town pool after the following directions from their mothers, "Shoot away from people, boys." One boy found that boring and put the gun by his mother's chair. The other also found that boring, but his solution was to shoot at people. People like my Lovebug.

Lovebug, being a lover and not a fighter - as well as no fan of the water, came running to me in tears. I said the boy was mean and to stay away from him. Lovebug, Ironflower and my mom built a sandcastle. The boy came over to shoot it with his water gun. Why? I don't know. I loudly told him to stop and go away. I had to stand up and loom over him for it to work.

His mother did not notice. She did not notice a strange woman practically yelling at her son. She did not notice when he shot other kids in the face. She did not notice when he tripped over the large gun. She did not notice anything until he blasted her with water. Then she told him to stop. Twenty times.

And I stood there wondering, do toy guns make kids aggressive? Or do aggressive kids want toy guns? And what kind of IDIOT lets her son loose with a giant water gun at the crowded kiddie pool? And should I go say something to her?

What are your thoughts about toy guns?

Juicy Stuff on Craigslist

I don't usually get shocked while checking Craigslist. Since I'm always looking for toys and not, you know, sex and massage, the entries I read are invariably tame. After this week's success of acquiring one of those turtle sandboxes -

which the former owner was even kind enough to deliver, but who knew that hauling around a 50 pound bag of sand to the back yard would be so much harder than hauling a 35 pound child? I think I need to start lifting weights again -

- I thought I'd keep trying my luck. Which hasn't quite run out, because even though I didn't find any cheap kid stuff I did see this ad:

http://newjersey.craigslist.org/bab/1269202116.html

The title said something about pacifiers costing $31. I clicked it to see what typo filled, grammatically strained kind of ad would be saying something so ridiculous. But the ad is fine. It's the pacifiers that are the problem.

Apparently while I've been scouring Craigslist and shopping at Wal-Mart, someone has been making DESIGNER PACIFIERS. Now, I'm not unacquainted with expensive children's things. I know someone who has a Bugaboo stroller. Sometimes I go to Nordstrom's. I get quality, I do. But JUICY COUTURE PACIFIERS that retail for $48? Really?

For those of you who haven't bought pacifiers recently, the last pair I bought cost $4.99. But for nearly ten times that, ChunkyMonkey could spit plastic nipples that say "Juicy" into the dirt. Why? I mean, I think for that much money they should at least say "Chanel".

Have I been living under a rock, or is this weird?

Today I Like the F Word

People bug me. I know, I know. That's a shocker, huh? I know I always seem like such sweetness and light. But, believe it or not, I spend a lot of time marveling and how stupid and/or annoying people are. Once, to honor my friend Nita, a woman who really was sweetness and light and who died way too soon, I tried to have only nice thoughts about people. I tried to be positive and kind in thought and deed.

I lasted a day.

So now I try to avoid being a completely selfish cow, or losing it in front of my children. It's important to have attainable goals.

Anyway, I don't think it's totally selfish or harming my children when I say. . ..

Jon Gosselin, why don't you run off with Miss California so that we don't have to deal with any of you anymore?

Miss California: I don't really care about your feelings on gay marriage. As far as I'm concerned, those with a religious objection to gay marriage should make sure that their personal religious institutions do not permit such ceremonies and shut the hell up about what the government permits. If the objection is religious, keep it to your religion. Oh, and I think anyone who poses half naked and has fake boobs shouldn't be bragging about what a great Christian she is.

Jon and Kate: I'm not above exploiting my family either. I mean, I enjoy the free stuff I get for this blog. Sure, your exploitation has gotten you book deals and a new house and fabulous trips, but whatever. I'm not a jealous person. But of course, you couldn't just enjoy your money, could you? You had to start acting like real fucking celebrities. Which you are not, by the way. Hell, your reality show isn't even competitive! But now Kate's on the cover - the COVER - of People magazine, Jon's scamming ingenue types and the whole mess is being played out in the tabloids. To which I say, I have now lost all respect for you , your show and your parenting skills. Grow the hell up.

Retarded College Students: It's true, President Obama doesn't deserve an honorary degree from ASU, since I'm pretty sure their idea of accomplishment has to do with keg stands. I can't believe those whiners don't want to give the FUCKING PRESIDENT a damn degree.

Fox News: And speaking of college students, why the hell is Fox News acting like the protests at Notre Dame are a HUGE news story? I don't care if the anti-choicers are protesting the pro-choice President. I know plenty of college students protested when Bush spoke at commencements (not that Fox News reported this). I don't even mind it being a news item. But at the top of their home page? Is that really necessary?

Question: Am I the only person who barely remembers who her college commencement speaker was? And wouldn't have bothered protesting at the time (even though I protested other things), because it's just not that important? I mean, this generation is fucking whiny, right?

Madonna, Pot and People Who Bug Me

I'd like to pick on Madonna for a moment.

Not because, as Hot Guy says, she's venturing into the Michael Jackson territory of craziness.

Not because she ruined my image of A-Rod.

Not even because she hasn't made a really good album in years.

No, I'd like to pick on Madonna for trying to adopt a kid.

I am by no means against adoption. I believe in adoption. I'm not even against international adoption, even though there are SO MANY kids in our country who need families. I'm also not against the somewhat crazy adopting, especially if they have enough money to employ capable nannies.

But why the hell couldn't she do it right? I mean, would it have been that hard to have her lawyer check the rules. . . and then follow them? Really that hard?

Because I am so sick of hearing about this drama. And because I am so sick of people thinking that the rules don't apply to them. Although, at least Madonna has reason to think she's special. Being extremely famous and filthy rich and all. But that guy who always lets his kid climb the tree, even though it's against school rules (and thus making my kids want to climb the tree)? Not special. The woman speeding through crosswalks while talking on her cell (illegal in NJ)? Not special.

It's not that I'm some rule following Nazi wannabe. Some rules are dumb and can be ignored. Such as those involving what consenting adults choose to do (Hey America, would you like some bailout money? Try legalizing and taxing prostitution and marijuana). But some kid's gonna get hurt on that tree. And talking on cell phones can be worse than driving drunk. And Africa is not a baby mall.

So let's follow the important rules, okay?