What people thought when they read your holiday letter. . .
Dear family and friends, (I had no idea that our kids being on the same soccer team made us friends. And if we're such great friends, why didn't you share your Bloody Marys with me? I'd have rather gotten drunk at soccer than gotten a holiday letter.)
Hope you all had as wonderful a year as we did! (It was kind of meh, actually. But I'm surprised that you can call a year wonderful after that debacle at soccer where you used your Bloody Mary thermos instead of your Gatorade thermos to give all the kids drinks. Did the police drop the charges? Are the Andersons still suing you?)
Jason, 15, is growing into a delightful young man. (I had no idea you had a 15 year old. Does he ever leave his room?) He has a number of friends around the world now, thanks to his computer game War of Worldcraft. (That's not what it's called. But that explains a lot.)
Jack, 12, has become dedicated to the tuba and his schoolwork. (I wonder if that's because he got kicked off the soccer team for fighting? After downing several Bloody Marys?) We are so proud of how much his grades have improved. (Repeating sixth grade helps, I'm sure.)
Molly, 3, is quite the little spitfire. After several challenging weeks at preschool, we have decided to homeschool her for preschool. We're having so much fun together! (That's not what it looked like at the grocery store last week. Or the week before. Or the week before that.)
Bill has recently taken up tennis (Is that because he can't coach soccer anymore? Or is it the sexy tennis pro at the club?) and is very happy at his new job.
Susan has stopped doing the PR for Mothers Against Drunk Driving (this has to do with the soccer debacle, doesn't it?) so that she can spend more quality time with Molly, Jack and Jason.
Wishing you many blessings in 2013, (You too, I think you made need them more)
The Smith Family
(All parts of this letter are completely fictional. Certain reactions may not be. Though honestly? I totally love getting holiday letters.)