Thoughts Only Parents Have

Before I had kids, I had the usual long list of things I would never do as a parent. I think my oldest was 7 months old when I did the first one and it's all been kinda downhill from there. But in addition to all the things I've done as a parent that I thought I'd never do (going to school drop off in my pajamas comes to mind), there are the thoughts I've had. Thoughts that I never thought would pop into my head in a million years.

• Well, at least my kid didn't spit on anyone today.
• I'm pretty sure everyone who works at Nick Jr. is high. 
• Where are Max and Ruby's parents and why am I jealous that their kids can be left alone for days on end?
• Small Lego pieces by all the windows would have been great security when I lived in that crappy apartment in college.
• Is it harder to listen to second graders play the violin or to watch them play baseball?
• I wish I could have parented back in the days when it was okay to teach your five year old how to mix a cocktail. 
• I love it when most of the kid's vomit makes it into the trash can.
• I can't wait until the kids go to bed and I can "sort" their Halloween candy. 
• Nobody is paying their nanny enough. 
• I think taking away TV time is a bigger punishment for me than it is for my kid. 
• If ketchup counts as a vegetable, then I didn't lie to the pediatrician when I told her that my kids eat vegetables every day. 
• Why couldn't there have been only "9 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?"
• If your kid wasn't being such a jerk, my kid wouldn't have hit him. 

What thoughts have you had as a parent that you never would have expected?