In Defense of Reality Television

In 1992, I began my love affair with reality TV. This was back when The Real World was groundbreaking television and the people appearing on it had personalities, not labels. A lot has changed in the last 20 years (political maps, computers, my boobs), but my love for reality TV has not.

(We did take a break for a few years, reality TV and I. After I outgrew The Real World, there weren't a lot of options. When Survivor became so popular, I refused to watch it on principle. It wasn't groundbreaking, it was pandering. It was putting writers out of work. Then, of course, I agreed to watch it once to please some friends. I watched that season and the next few. But by the time I was over it. . .)

There was a reality TV show for everyone. Not ABOUT everyone, like there is now, but definitely a good enough variety to make most Americans forget any principles they may have had. And forget I did. Temptation Island was the next one I watched. I would like to blame that one on the guy I was dating at the time, but since he stopped watching reality television when we broke up and I started watching Big Brother instead, I really can't.

It only got worse after I had kids and became addicted to basic cable.

Hot Guy is baffled by my love for the Real Housewives. And Dance Moms. And Project Runway. Actually, "baffled" isn't really the right term. "Disgusted," maybe. "Horrified", even. He doesn't understand why I want to watch stupid people get paid to act like assholes. To which I squeal, "But it's entertaining!" Surprisingly, he has not been swayed by this argument. So here are some more:

1. Since the people on reality television seem less real than those on good scripted shows (Parenthood, anyone?), it's a lot less upsetting when something bad happens to them.

2. I never lose the plot when one of the kids distracts me.

3. It lets me feel superior about my parenting skills, which pretty much never happens in real life.

4. It lets me feel superior about my maturity level, which also never happens in real life.

5. The Soup is much funnier if you have seen what Joel McHale is making fun of. (Except The Bachelor. There is no excuse for watching The Bachelor.)

6. So is Kathy Griffin.

7. Remember how much fun dive bars are? Especially when you've been going to wine bars filled with hipsters and finance guys? Reality television has the same appeal.

8. I grew up watching soap operas. I'm conditioned to like this kind of crap.

9. It's cheaper than shopping.

10. It's not as emotionally draining as being a football fan.

Pregnant in Clogs

Bravo, you have betrayed me.

After hours of awesomeness like the Real Housewives of New Jersey and Top Chef: All Stars, you had to bring us Pregnant in Heels. I was just going to ignore it like I ignore The Real Housewives of Miami, but it was on last night when the guide said Bethenny Ever After would be on.

Stupid Cablevision guide.

So I had to witness the couple having the round table to help them decide on their baby's name, which they likened to "branding" their baby. After the round table of naming experts, they had a focus group. Then a dinner with their friends, where the friends all had to vote. Because why just read some baby name books and choose on your own?

All of this was organized by Rosie Pope, "the baby concierge". She also got a therapist for another couple and designed and put together their entire nursery.

Do not ever let me see this show again, people.

I know that I'm supposed to be working on being non-judgmental. I know that I may have spent 8 hours in the pregnancy book section at the Borders in Overland Park after I found out I was pregnant with Ironflower.  I know that I sat through a baby shower for a co-worker with a look of utter horror on my face, trying to imagine myself exclaiming over onesies six months down the road. I know that I should be feeling compassion towards Rosie Pope's anxiety-filled clients.

But instead I want to smack them.

When they did the little Bravo flashforward that shows what's going to happen during the season? I'm pretty sure I shuddered.

Reading the books, doing the nursery, choosing toys, choosing names, going to pre-natal classes. . .it seems that now you can hire someone to do all that for you. If you're rich enough and live in Manhattan, anyway.

And just what kind of parents are these people going to be if they can't even get over their fears of brightly colored toys or don't trust themselves to choose their baby's name? You don't get to be paralyzed with fear as a parent. You have to trust yourself.

Rosie Pope doesn't say anything like that to her clients, though. She just coddles them through things. With the help of her fabulously gay assistant and her slightly annoying lisp. I can't picture either of them turning a table over on any of their clients, much as they might deserve it. Plus, the poor woman is going through IVF, which sucks and the execs at Bravo probably thought would be charmingly ironic. Not that there's anything charming about IVF.

So I think they should let me be the baby concierge. No irony, but think of what gritty realism I could bring to the show. Think of me getting all Jack Nicholson on the parents to be: "You can't handle the truth! Babies need toys! They cry! They are not brands! You are not compromising your personality by wearing comfortable shoes, unless your are totally shallow!" They could intersperse those speeches with shots of me showing the parents how to hold the baby, how to change a diaper in the dark and how to pick the best board books.

They'll have to change the name, though. I have never been pregnant in heels and I would tell my clients not to wear heels after month 6. Clogs are okay, though.

Memo to Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn

Some REAL challenges for contestants on Bravo's reality shows.

Project Runway:

1. Design a stylish wardrobe - that encompasses the whole nine months - for a pregnant woman on a budget of less than $200.

2. Create a bathing suit that looks great on someone who wears a size 14.

3. Design a nursing top that looks good, actually works and lasts. . . for $20.

4. Make a cocktail dress - that doesn't resemble a muumuu - for women sized 8 - 18.

5. Create a comfortable version of Spanx.

Top Chef

1. Create a week's worth of dinners, that can be frozen and thawed throughout the week, and are tasty and nutritious, for $100.

2. Make a healthy Cheeto.

3. Cook a lunch for three picky preschoolers that includes all the food groups and can be made in ten minutes or less.

4. Create a tasty meal from foods found in a typical parent's minivan.

Shear Genius

1. Develop a cut that looks good with a pregnant woman's newly thick and straighter hair that will still work after she has the baby and all her hair falls out.

2. Cut a toddler's hair evenly while the toddler throws a tantrum.

3. Develop a cut that looks good after being slept on.

4. Teach a harried mom to trim her own hair so that it looks good.

Top Design

1. Design a neat, functional play room for less than $200. Actually, design any room for $200.

2. Create a bed that is comfortable for women who are nine months pregnant and is functional for nursing mothers.

3. Make my house stylish - without spending any money.

4. Develop a toy storage line that is practical, affordable and not made of plastic.

Anyone got any ideas for other challenges that Bravo should be using?