Things People Should Know

1. Chechnya is not the same as the Czech Republic. Not even close.

2. Strapless dresses don't make teenage boys have lustful thoughts. Teenage boys - and the men they grow into - can pretty much have lustful thoughts at any time, in any place, over any thing. If you don't believe me, look at all the different kinds of fetish porn there are out there.

3. Anna Maria Island, Florida, is totally awesome.

4. The West, Texas disaster was caused by a private company and a lack of government oversight. Yet the same people who voted against aid to Hurricane Sandy victims and who protest "big government" and regulations are now asking for Federal Aid. Those people? Are total assholes.

5. Rape culture exists.

6. You can tell any kind of story you want at Band Back Together. Really.

7. My daughter can go through a hurricane simulator and come out with hair that is even more adorable.

Fabulous Friday

I've been saying "fuck off" all week, so instead I thought I'd focus on the good stuff. Or the fabulous stuff, because it's Friday and I like alliteration.

Things That Are Fabulous This Friday:

The Band Back Together calendar project. It pictures many fabulous people kicking stigmas in the taco and you should totally buy one.

Rolling Jubilee. Some of the people who were trying to Occupy Wall Street had a brilliant idea: what if they raised money to buy people's debts, then erased the debts? $25 gets $500 of debt erased.

One of my favorite posts by Aunt Becky. It is hilarious.

Election night reflection by Joules.

A lesson in Recovery from Cindy

This photo.

Parks and Recreation. I didn't like it when it first started, even though I wanted to. I don't know whether I've changed or the show has, but now I love it. Adam Scott helps. I might be slightly obsessed with him. According to imdb, he is good friends with Paul Rudd.

Excuse me, I have to go fan myself. 

Fuck Off Friday

I'm not sure whether this will be a regular feature or not. I suppose it depends on how offended people are by this initial list. Because you probably like something on this list. And I get that. I'm just really grouchy right now.

Things that can just fuck off, in no particular order:

1. Blog giveaways. I know, I know. I've hosted some. You've hosted some or won something or whatever. But there are just SO MANY. I think that's all some blogs do these days. I think there should be a rule that giveaways can only be one out of every ten posts or something. Back in the day, bloggers didn't even host giveaways. . .and we had walk ten miles up hill in the snow to our computers. 

2. Twitter parties. Yeah, I said it. It's not that I don't love talking to people on The Twitter. I know that the Band has done some real good through their parties and I'm sure others have too. But. Mostly they're about winning products. And the tweets are filled with boring one word hashtags, instead of witty hashtages at the end. Maybe I should learn how to used Tweetdeck properly so that I could follow Twitter parties instead of just trying to keep up between all the people tweeting about giveaways.

3. Participating in a Twitter party or writing a blog post to possibly win a gift card or product. I really need to remove myself from marketing mailing lists. You see, I'd like to be PR friendly, but why should I pimp your product or message on my blog for a chance at a gift card? Is that what you'd say to a TV station or a newspaper? We'll maybe pay you for our ad if you participate in a contest?*

4. Bills. Duh.

5. The massive traffic clusterfuck in my small town. They closed off one of the main arteries through town - which goes to all 3 schools and is used by tons of people cutting through our town every day. Now they are all going past my street. It sucks.
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6. School fundraisers. I would rather just give them $20 than try to convince other people to buy wrapping papers, plants, cookie dough or whatever else we're selling.



*I get that this blog (unfortunately) does not reach the audience numbers of even the lamest cable channel. But then, I'm not asking to be paid at TV station rates. I'd just like to be paid instead of entering a "contest just for bloggers with a Page Rank of 3 or higher". 

In Defense of Reality Television

In 1992, I began my love affair with reality TV. This was back when The Real World was groundbreaking television and the people appearing on it had personalities, not labels. A lot has changed in the last 20 years (political maps, computers, my boobs), but my love for reality TV has not.

(We did take a break for a few years, reality TV and I. After I outgrew The Real World, there weren't a lot of options. When Survivor became so popular, I refused to watch it on principle. It wasn't groundbreaking, it was pandering. It was putting writers out of work. Then, of course, I agreed to watch it once to please some friends. I watched that season and the next few. But by the time I was over it. . .)

There was a reality TV show for everyone. Not ABOUT everyone, like there is now, but definitely a good enough variety to make most Americans forget any principles they may have had. And forget I did. Temptation Island was the next one I watched. I would like to blame that one on the guy I was dating at the time, but since he stopped watching reality television when we broke up and I started watching Big Brother instead, I really can't.

It only got worse after I had kids and became addicted to basic cable.

Hot Guy is baffled by my love for the Real Housewives. And Dance Moms. And Project Runway. Actually, "baffled" isn't really the right term. "Disgusted," maybe. "Horrified", even. He doesn't understand why I want to watch stupid people get paid to act like assholes. To which I squeal, "But it's entertaining!" Surprisingly, he has not been swayed by this argument. So here are some more:

1. Since the people on reality television seem less real than those on good scripted shows (Parenthood, anyone?), it's a lot less upsetting when something bad happens to them.

2. I never lose the plot when one of the kids distracts me.

3. It lets me feel superior about my parenting skills, which pretty much never happens in real life.

4. It lets me feel superior about my maturity level, which also never happens in real life.

5. The Soup is much funnier if you have seen what Joel McHale is making fun of. (Except The Bachelor. There is no excuse for watching The Bachelor.)

6. So is Kathy Griffin.

7. Remember how much fun dive bars are? Especially when you've been going to wine bars filled with hipsters and finance guys? Reality television has the same appeal.

8. I grew up watching soap operas. I'm conditioned to like this kind of crap.

9. It's cheaper than shopping.

10. It's not as emotionally draining as being a football fan.

Things For Which I Am Not Thankful

Lots of posts this week will be about what we're all thankful for, or how much we appreciate our families/friends/DVRs. And that's great. I'll read those posts and I'll think, "Damn, I should have nice thoughts like those other bloggers." But I don't need to vent my nice thoughts. . . .

Things For Which I Am Not Thankful, 2010 Edition

1. Hugmonkey's pinching, biting and screaming abilities. He pinched his younger cousin so hard this weekend that he left a mark on her face. I am at least thankful that he didn't bite her since I can attest that that hurts more than the pinching.

2. The fact that 2 sets of favorite cousins are gathering this weekend, plus my lucky hookers in Kansas City. While I'll be home with my kids. Woohoo.

3. The fact there's a little voice in my head saying, but of course you're thankful to have your amazing kids and that last listing makes you sound unappreciative. That little voice also whines when I relax on the couch to watch TV and practically cries whenever I yell. She's kind of a sanctimonious little bitch, really.

4. The Tea Party, Glenn Beck and the entire Palin family. On the other hand, they may prompt an exciting move to Australia which I'm sure will give me a lot of fodder for the blog.

5. Jeggings. Ugg boots. And probably any other fashion items with 2 "g"s.

6. The fact that my skin is so much worse now than it was when I was a teenager. Sure, my self-esteem is higher now but back then I was skinny, wrinkle-free and had perky boobs. It seems unfair that pretty much everything is going downhill fast.

7. My brilliant idea of letting the kids play with the to-be-recycled card board boxes. Sure, it's all creative and whatnot but who knew that I wouldn't be able to get rid of them for weeks? When I suggested recycling them the kids stared at me like I'd suggested recycling their Legos.

8. Every toy commercial shown during Phineas and Ferb and The Magic School Bus.

9. Our digital camera. It has slowly been dying and the result is that our pictures of 2010 are crappy. It's very hard to make the Grandma calendar when all of your pictures are crappy.

10. Whoever taught Lovebug and Ironflower the word "dumbass". It IS really funny when they say it so I'm having a hard time correcting it.

11. The fact that Hugmonkey appears to have skipped over saying, "Mommy". He said, "Mama" for a while, but now he just yells, "Moooom!". Won't I have years of that later? Couldn't I be "Mommy" for a few more years?

Adventures in Extreme Pregnancy

You know you're really freaking pregnant when:

1. You finally get a good freaking parking space at the speech therapist's, but you can't open your car door wide enough to get out.

2. The only pair of shoes that you can jam on your feet is a wretched, stinky pair of slip on sneakers. And you can't even wear them with socks.

3. Every woman you run into looks at you with pity.

4. Your cankles are wider than your calves.

5. Just being in the sun - even though this sun is shining on New Jersey in October - makes you sweat profusely.

6. Your fingers resemble sausages.

7. You develop a cold, simply because you're not suffering enough.

8. You have one pair of pants that stays up high enough and two shirts that come down low enough to cover your belly.

9. You have developed new damn stretch marks.

10. Suddenly you have an inkling of what it would be like to "go postal".

11. Standing up means having to pee.

12. Standing up also means having to waddle.

13. Standing up means odd pelvic pains too.

14. In fact, standing up is something to be avoided at all costs.

15. You are jealous of an old classmate because - even though you were at the same level of pregnancy - she has given birth already. And you forget the fact that she has given birth to triplets, which you could never handle in million years.

16. You cannot shut up about the fact that you are NINE MONTHS PREGNANT, DAMMIT.

I Wanna Rock

It's possible that I'm cranky. Okay, it's probable that I'm cranky. And in my crankiness I may be a bit less tolerant than my normally sunny tolerant less cranky personality allows me to be. I feel like I have extreme aggravation on speed dial. Things that would normally merely annoy me are driving me bats. The kind of bats that makes me want to throw things. Things like rocks.

But because I don't to set a bad example for my children, I've decided to throw a few metaphorical rocks instead.

My Targets

1. The medical and scientific community - why hasn't the treatment for carpal tunnel syndrome changed in twenty years? Everything else has. Oh, and an extra rock for Dr.Coven who implied that I was being whiny when I mentioned the carpal tunnel, exhaustion and heartburn I've been experiencing lately.

2. People who send me emails with ridiculous political or medical allegations without doing any research on them. It's not really hard to check Snopes.com or Truth in Politics, you know? Or if you don't want to research it, don't freaking send it to me. Because I WILL check and I WILL reply.

(PS If you receive the one that makes false allegations about Obama and is supposedly written by NYT columnist Maureen Dowd, delete it. Definitely fake.)

3. Parents who don't allow their children to grow up - have you heard about the parents of college kids who give them wake-up calls, argue with their professors about their grades and confront their roommates for them? Do you want any of these kids to be your doctor, lawyer or child's teacher someday?

4. Whoever brought high waist pants back. Because those pants just look ugly.

5. The reality "stars" on VH1's show "I Love Money" and the producers paying them. Their time is up. Let them crawl back into their trashy lives where they belong.

6. Everyone who speeds on my cul-de-sac. Where the fuck do you think you're going to go?

7. The Travel Channel. Because The World Series of Poker, while on the channel practically every night, is not a travel show.

8. Politicians who are pro-life but vote against expanding health care for kids, day care vouchers, sex education, tax breaks for lower middle class families and everything else that will help after the children are born.

9. My dryer. The buzzing noise it makes to signal that it's done is the most grating noise I've ever heard - and that includes when both of my children are whining.

10. Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly. Because people actually take them seriously.

Anything/one you'd like to throw a rock at?

How To Be An Asshole

The Ultimate Principle of Assholedom: There is no one else in the world but you.

Specific Rules to Help You Attain The Asshole Lifestyle:

1. Do not leave any space between yourself and the vehicle in front of you. Ever.

2. If you are walking on a busy sidewalk or store aisle and need to stop, it is imperative that you stop in the middle. Maximize the effects of this rule by making sure you are with at least two other people.

3. Never, ever, watch your children in a public play area, pool, restaurant or store.

4. When you come across a vehicle waiting for another vehicle to pull out of a parking space, make sure you cut around them and steal the space. Bonus points for indicating to the waiting vehicle that you only want to go around them.

5. Vote based on skin color, name or gender only.

6. Encourage your children to use derogatory slang for people with different religions, skin colors or races.

7. Ask pregnant women if they're having triplets.

8. Cut in line.

9. Park in handicapped and/or parents with infants parking spaces if you are able-bodied and/or your children are teenagers.

10. Be an Oakland Raiders fan (Chiefs and Broncos fans, you know what I'm talking about.)

11. Drive a Hummer.

12. Complain that your nanny only works ten hour days.

13. Oppose sex education that includes information on how to prevent STDs and pregnancy.

14. Talk about yourself in the third person.

15. Never flush a public toilet.

16. Be Dick Cheney.

17. For men only: wear a Speedo.

18. Always drive at least ten miles above the speed limit - regardless of weather, residential streets or nearby playgrounds.

19. Talk in your normal voice during movies.

20. Get a barbed wire tattoo around your bicep.

Now tell me, what did I forget?

Top Ten Things I Hate Today

There's really no reason for me to be so crabby today. No one in the family was admitted to the hospital, I didn't have a failed Doppler experience and my children actually did a good job at library story hour (in fact, compared to most of the other children, they were AWESOME). Hell, I even walked them to the library!

Usually, exercise makes me a happier - and therefore kinder - person. But not today.

Today, I would like to share a few things I hate. I invite you to share your hates in the comments. Think of it as my small way of saying thanks for all the kindness you guys have heaped upon me lately.

1. I hate the fact that I have to sign a WAIVER if I allow Ironflower to go to one of her classmates' birthday parties. It's a gymnastics party, so I suppose I get it. But a waiver? Seriously? Are they going to have her doing flips on the balance beam?

2. I hate my pants. They are all too big or too small and I do not have one single pair that makes me feel good or look even slightly better. Not one.

3. I hate the weather. It was warm and springlike for one day, but by Sunday they high will be forty-five degrees. The high!

4. I hate people who tailgate me when I'm driving 35 mph in a 35mph zone. I hope they all get tickets.

5. I hate Fox News. The only time they are "fair and balanced" is when they say the date.

6. I hate that plastic surgery has become so pervasive that women are actually getting work done to make their vaginas  "more attractive". I think the fact that it works should be attractive enough, dammit.

7. I hate that InStyle says that sailor pants are in. Even models don't look good in sailor pants. Even SAILORS don't wear sailor pants anymore.

8. I hate it when my friends don't read my blog and I actually have to go through all this drama again and again when they call. (It's perfectly fine - great, even - when friends who do read my blog call)

9. I hate it that I'm not on the Alltop list of parenting blogs, even though I totally don't deserve to be there.

10. I hate it that I feel like all of my creative juices have been sucked away by stress and nausea and all I can post are lists and pleas for emotional support.

Cool News

So last week Vanessa Van Petten wrote a post entitled, "50 Best Mom Blogs". And get this - I'm on it. No, seriously. There are some damn fabulous blogs on that list (well, they're probably all fabulous, but I haven't read them all yet) and I feel like I just got invited to sit at the grown-ups' table. I don't actually feel worthy, so I haven't really done anything about it for a week. But then I realized that Vanessa totally deserves a shout out. And I thought it would seem weird if I praised her post without mentioning that I'm in it. So, um, have I totally negated my cool factor yet?

Well, that's okay, because I have more coolness: Canadianflake gave me an award.



How cool is that? What I would love to do is give this award to everyone who comments and reads regularly and especially to those of you who have subscribed. But I don't know who's subscribed (is there any way to find that out?) and I'm not sure how I'd define "regularly". But if you feel that you fit into those categories, please assume that I am passing the award on to you. And those of you that are on my Google Reader, whose blogs I read and comment on at least every week? The award is for you too. Here. Now go give it to someone else.

Seriously, I can't narrow down all the people I love in Blogland - there are just too many of you. But I expect to see this award on all of your sidebars/award pages right away. For reals, I really want YOU to have it.

In other cool news, have any of you started watching the John Adams miniseries on HBO? I know I'm a history geek, but it is AMAZING. If you've always hated history, watch it and see how compelling it can be. And if you like history, you will LOVE this.

Top Ten Reasons Why This Post Sucks

1. It has no point or theme.

2. It is being typed by someone who's had three hours of sleep.

3. It is not my originally planned rant against people who get their children's school photos retouched.

4. It is being written by someone who lost the plot of Dora the Explorer this morning. Seriously.

5. It does not make fun of Paris Hilton's newest accessory, a spiritual guru.

6. It is being created between coughing fits.

7. It does not bitch about the mere existence of this site.

8. It is so lame it actually only has eight reasons.