Douchebag Patrol: Halloween Edition

How can you avoid looking like a douchebag this Halloween? Ask yourself these questions before getting ready:

• Am I putting on makeup to darken my skin? 

Then yes, you look like a douchebag. In fact, not only do you look like a douchebag, you look like a racist douchebag. You can portray someone of another race if you'd like to honor that person, but using makeup to darken your skin seems like you're putting on blackface. Which has horrible, racist overtones that haven't disappeared just because our President happens to be African-American. 

• Am I portraying someone who has killed teens or children recently? 

Then yes, you look like a douchebag. If you think George Zimmerman is a "funny" costume, why don't you dress up as the guy who killed all the kids in Sandy Hook - still funny? 

• Does the label on the costume have the word "sexy" in front of it? 

Then yes, you look like a douchebag. Look, it's great that you want to be sexy. But can you seriously not think of anything sexy on your own? Or find a costume that is already sexy, like slave Leia or something? Nurses, for example, have to deal with enough crap without Halloween costumes that fetishize their professions. 

• Is my child doing any of the things mentioned above? 

Then yes, you look like a douchebag. In fairness, though, you probably ARE a douchebag, so don't worry about it. 

And speaking of douchebags. . . .

Wandering Wednesday: The Great Jack-O-Lantern Blaze

I'm sure anyone who ever taught with me would be completely unsurprised by the fact that all of our family outings are strategically planned by me. I used to get teased for always have my lesson plans done early; it wasn't so much that I was conscientious as it was that I really enjoy planning. Since I no longer have lesson plans, I have to get my jollies where I can - family outings and vacations.

Hot Guy cheerfully indulges me and I like to think it's not just because I become an unhinged freak if I don't have a plan.

Anyway, my latest plan involved finally going to The Great Jack-O-Lantern Blaze. I have been dying to see the 5000 hand carved pumpkins on display at Van Cortland Manor since we moved back to the area, but it wasn't until this year that I thought all 3 kids could handle an evening outing without it getting ugly.

First we went to dinner at the Umami Cafe. Actually, first we picked up the kids from school and got our flu shots, but I didn't take any pictures of that. Which is probably good, seeing as this year Hugmonkey totally flipped out.

Anyway, the cafe was very kid-friendly, casual and had really interesting food.

They look so sweet and well-behaved here. 

I don't know the story behind the fish. 

The kids were very pleased with the menu. 

I have no idea what Hugmonkey was looking at. 

Homemade potato chips. Totally puts a breadbasket to shame. 

What Lovebug does while waiting for his food. 

What Hot Guy does while waiting for his. 

The place if very "Blaze" friendly, so they made sure we got to our 6:30 start time with plenty of time to spare. 

First there was pumpkin-inspired art. That one was made out of Lego. 

Loved the lights on this. 

I don't really get the pumpkin in this sculpture. 

Pumpkin/Chicken house! 

Every light you see is from a hand-carved pumpkin. 

Awesomeness. 

Stacked pumpkins. 

Pumpkin/flower garden. 

Van Cortland Manor. 

Graveyard. 

Pumpkin spiderweb. 

Witches. 

Tunnel of love. 

Dragon. 

There were also dinosaurs, but my camera decided to die just then. And my pictures really aren't doing the Blaze justice. If you get a chance to go (they are open after Halloween too), it's totally worth it. 

Friday I'm in Love: With Jell-O

So, as we all know, I am not exactly a domestic goddess. When it comes to cooking, I'm not even a domestic priestess. Or noblewoman. Or servant. We should all be happy that my children don't starve to death when Hot Guy isn't here, is what I'm saying. I'm so nervous in the kitchen that I don't tend to let them cook with me (though they'd probably be better at it), unless it involves decorating cookies.

But then I saw that JELL-O had Halloween recipes. Making Jell-O is only slightly more difficult than boiling water, so I figured I might be able to handle their Spooky JIGGLERS recipes with assistance from the children.

Hugmonkey even helped me with finding the right JELL-O Gelatin at the grocery store.

If I was smart, I would have taken a photo while we were actually at the grocery store. 

We decided to make the Halloween JIGGLERS Hands, mostly because Ironflower wanted to be able to use Halloween cookie cutters on the leftover JELL-O. 

First we traced our hands. 

Some of us more carefully than others. 

Then we cut them out. 

Next was water boiling. 

And powder mixing. 

Then there was chilling time in the fridge. 

The laying on of the hand patterns. Lovebug was at basketball practice.

And then we added in Halloween cookie cutters. 

Lovebug's hand. Because you can't just trace a simple hand outline in second grade.

Pumpkin. Though it could be an apple. 

Post-practice snack. 

Ironflower would like to do commercials. 

So yummy! 

As soon as everyone was done and I was trying to shoo them upstairs, all I heard was, "This was so fun! When can we do it again? It was fun cooking with you, Mom!" So thank you, JELL-O. I owe you one. 

I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

Wordful Wednesday: Halloween

I realize it's November 14th. And while normally I would just skip over pictures that were two weeks after the actual holiday, I'm not going to this time. Our town just finally celebrated Halloween on the 11th. It was with a trunk-or-treat in the high school parking lot instead of the huge street party and all town trick-or-treating like we usually do, but at least our kids got some kind of Halloween.

Just let us get our candy, mom. 

Also, let me say something to the people leaving nasty comments on various pages that talked about trick-or-treating after the storm. I know that we're damn lucky that missing Halloween and days without power were the worst thing that happened to our kids. But to spew venom because we're hoping our kids get to have Halloween even though there are kids out there without homes, clothes and toys is so fucking stupid.

First of all, we weren't talking about it on a Hurricane victim or volunteer page. Second of all, there are always kids around us who don't have homes, clothes, toys, books or families. Always. There are always kids around us whose problems are so much bigger than Halloween.

And if you broaden your view beyond this country, you'll realize that kids in 2012 are still dying of starvation and curable diseases.

So, venom-spewer, did your kids celebrate Halloween last year? Even though there were all those children living in homeless shelters and domestic violence shelters within minutes of your home? And all the kids starving to death on the same planet?

Thought so.

I have an idea. Why don't you collect some stuff for the kids hurt by the hurricane? Or donate to Save the Children? I realize that's a little more difficult than typing insults, but think of how morally superior you can feel.

What I Learned from Snowtober

So. It snowed here a couple of days ago. You might have heard about it? I don't know how big the story was, because I just survived 48 hours with no cable, no landline and no internet. We were very lucky and I mean that sincerely. Nothing hurt our house, we had heat and light most of the time and all that good stuff. In fact, we were so very fortunate that I actually learned a few things. . . .

Without TV or internet in my life, I would:

1. Enjoy talking to my neighbors more. In fact, I'd be so desperate for adult conversation that I'd probably strike up conversations with strangers at the grocery store.

2. Have everything in my house organized and labelled, including underwear drawers.

3. Eat more chocolate. Actually, I'd probably just eat more everything.

4. Go back to scribbling obsessively in spiral notebooks.

5. Become very frustrated with commercial radio. It's easy to flip stations in the car, not so much when the radio is at one end of the house and you're up to your elbows in dirty dishes at the other.

If I lived in a place where October snowstorms were normal, I would:

1. Have Seasonal Affective Disorder, or something close to it.

2. Own a generator.

3. Stop fantasizing about moving somewhere warm and actually plan for it.

4. Invest in long underwear. How much less sexy could it be than granny panties?

Halloween Recap

My love/hate relationship with Halloween started when I became a teacher. Because while there's a certain joy in watching the kids have fun, organizing the party and the parents and the changes in routine and dealing with the sugar rushes. . .well, it's a lot of work. Of course, for most of the years I taught I was able to recover from the day by going out and getting drunk or by curling up with a book.

Stupidly, I somehow thought that Halloween as a parent would be easier. Or, at least less stressful. It was, until last year. And this year? We had school celebrations on two different days, one indecisive about costumes, one still having a hard time wearing his, sugar highs, trick or treat demands. . .oy. (I'm sure being freaking full term pregnant also had something to do with this year's stress)

By the time I got them to bed last night - yes, I, Hot Guy and his just briefly in town brother had escaped to the city an hour before - I thought I was going to become a parent who spanks. I would give them a direction and it was like I was speaking to them in Chinese. Or like I was actually mute. Or that they were deaf. Or. . .er, you probably understand what I'm saying. Anyway, I have seen my children hyper and over-tired before, but never that far gone. I seriously thought I was going to have to tie them down to get their pajamas on.

It's a good thing that they're so cute.

I think this was the first time Lovebug really got Halloween. We actually got him to wear his costume this year - even if it required many, many reminders of the "no costume, no celebration" variety. (Something that the trio of middle schoolers who showed up at my door at 9:30 last night need to hear as well, I think) And he went along with his class quite well. But when his class sang for all the adoring parents? Lovebug seemed to think his job was to observe. Ironflower did the same thing the next day when her class sang. It's so weird. My kids are not shy. They love to sing and get attention. But while their respective classes were performing, they just stood there. We couldn't even get them to smile.

Oh well, at least they had fun otherwise. And I'm sure my back and feet will recover soon. Probably after Tuesday (when my c-section is scheduled, thankyougod). I told everyone that my costume was that I was pregnant with triplets. Hot Guy wore his pirate hat, Ironflower was Cinderella and Lovebug was Thomas the Tank Engine.

What were you and yours for Halloween?