It's the Weather, Stupid

I freely admit that I am absolutely terrible at making small talk and often resort to talking about the weather because I have too much social anxiety to be interesting with acquaintances. But lately it's not so much that I'm resorting to talking about the weather, it's that I'm already thinking about the weather anyway.

When I went to college in Boston in the early 90's, I used to go hiking. In the winter. For fun. Even during the worst winter I survived there, which, admittedly made it easier for my then-fiance to convince me to move to Oregon, I walked during my lunch hour. All winter.

And now? I will wear fleece if it's under 70 and there's a breeze.

In all the things I've read about turning 40, no one mentioned that I would no longer be able to stand the cold. I thought that was for 70 year olds.

This winter took years off of my life, I swear. Mostly because it feels like it's still not quite over. It's been in the fifties and raining (what used to be March weather here in Jersey) for the last six weeks or so. Before that, it was freezing.

I just want to go outside without a jacket on, is that too much to ask?

I don't technically have Seasonal Affective Disorder, well, I've never actually been diagnosed with it, anyway. But I have struggled with depression before, and I swear the way I felt when I woke up today and saw that it was chilly and rainy again . . .it felt the same. It was the opposite of when I moved from rainy Seattle to the much sunnier Kansas City. Even though I didn't know anyone and I was newly separated and my job was overwhelming and I had never lived alone before, I woke up happy on a far more regular basis.

Clearly I need to move to the southwest. Though I'd settle for anywhere that has a shorter winter. Except that I don't have that option right now (all bets are off when Hugmonkey graduates though). So, I'm begging you, internet peeps, give me some tips on how to cope with this weather. I know some of you live north of me; how do you stand these long-ass winters?

And if you can't answer that, then please give me some tips on small talk. I need a topic besides weather.

An Open Letter to Dove, From A Jersey Girl

Dear Dove,

I have never had a problem with your company or its products. I loved your real women advertising campaign and I think it's great that you want women to love their armpits, and the rest of their bodies. I agree with you, even.

However, that doesn't mean I'm going to be okay with you calling my home state the "armpit of the nation". It's never been intended as a compliment and just because you want women to love their armpits, it doesn't undo the stigma of "armpit". Or should I say the stench?

There are some terribly ugly parts of New Jersey, I'll grant you. Of course, having also lived in Massachusetts, Oregon, Washington, Kansas and Missouri, I can tell you that there are some terribly ugly parts of most states.

There are also some gorgeous parts of the state. As you well know, considering your headquarters are located near some of them.

Jersey. 

Jersey. 

Jersey.

I can only imagine you're trying to appeal to middle America, or New Yorkers, by making fun of New Jersey.

Dove, have you ever seen The Sopranos?

I'm just saying that you might not want to piss off a certain small proportion of the 8 million people in New Jersey. Also, it was great show, despite not featuring the most attractive parts of our state. If you'd like to retaliate by discussing Jersey Shore, let me remind you that neither the cast nor the production company nor the creator is actually from New Jersey.

You know who IS from New Jersey?

 Bruce Springsteen. Bon Jovi. Judy Blume.  Debbie Harry. James Fenimore Cooper.  Whitney Houston. Paul Robeson.  Frank Sinatra. Abbott AND Costello.  Les Paul. Danny Devito. Peter Dinklage (Tyrion on Game of Thrones). Martha Stewart. Queen Latifah. James Gandolfini. Janeane Garofalo. Savion Glover.  Paul Simon. Jack Nicholson. Chelsea Handler.  Patti Smith. Kelly Ripa.  The Smithereens. Kevin Smith. Kevin Spacey. Jon Stewart. Buzz Aldrin. Carl Sagan.

That's a sampling, Dove. There's an entire website devoted to famous people from New Jersey. Does the above list scream "armpit" to you? Really?

Normally a company has to do something really egregious before I'll write them off. Like Walmart not paying it's full-time workers enough to live on, or Hobby Lobby refusing its workers birth control but allowing Viagra. Normally I just snort when people make fun of New Jersey, because I know that we're the only state with real pizza and I should pity people who didn't grow up here.

But, you know, we didn't really get credit for having the Super Bowl this year. Absolutely NONE of it was in New York, but you couldn't tell that from the coverage. Also, our governor keeps doing embarrassing stuff and the Nets bailed on us and moved to Brooklyn, then boldly and awesomely signed Jason Collins.

So I'm a little sensitive. Also, since your headquarters are here, I imagine that you are eating our awesome pizza WHILE you are insulting us, and that's just not cool at all.

Why don't you follow the Nets and move to Brooklyn? Not that it matters to me, because I won't be buying your products again.

                                                                                                Yours in disappointment,
                                                                                                     Triplezmom

PS Please apologize during the #JerseyIs discussion on Twitter tonight at 9pm. Thanks. Start with Beth Keklak from Life in the Bat Cave.

The OTHER Kind of Pumping

"Jersey Girls don't pump gas" said the magnet on the car in front of me.

I'm all for Jersey girl pride and everything, but is not being able to pump gas really something we should brag about? I like staying in my nice, warm car while the attendant pumps my gas as much as the next New Jerseyan, but this is not why Bruce Springsteen wrote "Jersey Girl". But on other days, when I'm stuck behind people who take forever to find their wallets (they couldn't figure out they'd need them before the attendant asked them to pay?) or there's only one obviously stoned attendant working, I miss pumping my own damn gas.

I moved from New Jersey to Massachusetts (where I mostly used public transportation or paid extra for full service at the one gas station that had it) to Oregon, the only other state in the union that doesn't allow people to pump their own gas. It wasn't until I moved to Seattle at the age of 25 that I realized I would HAVE to learn to pump. People laughed at me when I asked about full-service and while charming people into pumping gas for me worked when I was a stranger with Oregon plates, it didn't go over so well when I had Washington plates and people saw me every other day. So I finally broke down and learned.

Now I am mostly neutral about the whole gas pumping question. Or thought I was, until I saw that stupid magnet. I mean, who brags about the things they can't do? I bet no one in Oregon has a magnet like that. People in Boston don't have magnets that say, "I can't pronounce 'r' correctly". People in Hawaii don't have magnets that say, "I can't drive in the snow."

This is the kind of idiot pride that foisted "Jersey Shore" on us. Ugh.

Haiku Friday - New Jersey Edition

New Jersey my home

may be cooler than you think

best Italian food

Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi

Jon Stewart, Kevin Smith, oh my

Sinatra ain't bad

no one can drive well

but there's a train to the shore

and lots to New York

best pizza, delis

NYC over-priced

other pizza sucks

extreme weather here

never a "so dull" moment

no terror, either

people are so blunt

not all have a bad accent

except at the mawwwwll

Much as I complain about Stuck-Up, in many ways I am glad to be back in Jersey. And I've always been glad to be from Jersey (hence, you know, the internet name - which seemed a lot cuter when I lived in Kansas City). We have Bruce Springsteen, the Sopranos and a magazine called, "Weird, N.J.". We really do have the best pizza. We have the shore. We have Atlantic City (I hear it's interesting. I've never actually been there.). We have a small ski mountain. We have more malls than museums - but we're one train ride away from the best museums in the world. People expect you to be rude and LOVE you when you're not. And there's so MUCH to make fun of - I really do love my home state.