Haiku Friday - Competition Edition

Fabulous Leslie

over at My Mommy's Place

has haiku contest

it ends late tonight

be a haiku buckaroo

or at least just read

1.

Scrubbed the bathroom

floor sparkling, Ironflower

pees all over it.

2.

Love Mamma Mia

live show better, movie fun

made me so happy

3.

Insomnia now

carpal tunnel, big headaches

I glower, not glow

Haiku Friday - Lethargy Edition

I just don't wanna

clean, deal with heat, organize

or even write posts

I'm slumping again. I have so much cleaning to do. I should have taken the kids to the park this morning before it go too hot. I should be writing an interesting, or at least funny, post. Instead of doing any of these things, we have watched Sesame Street and I have written crappy articles for this website that pays quickly (email me if you want to know which one).

I did fill up the wading pool, but the children won't consider it warm enough until after lunch. But then I'll at least have an excuse to not be cleaning my dirty, disorganized house. I was on a roll yesterday morning, but then I had to go to the doctor for my check-up. When I got there, they told me they were running 45 minutes late. I decided to stay - Hot Guy was able to be with the kiddos yesterday, but he'll be gone most of August so I figured I'd take the time to read the preggo magazines in the waiting room.

I read EVERY preggo magazine in the waiting room.

I finished two short stories in my mystery magazine, too.

Nearly two hours after my original appointment - after I was dying of hunger and my Tylenol for my sinus headache had worn off - I got in to see the doctor. Now, I understand that emergencies come up, especially  in an OB's office. But I just lost all of my momentum. By the time I got home it was all I could do not to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

The good news is that baby and I are the picture of health. And the guilt-ridden receptionist made all of my appointments through week 38, so I have my preferred slots and doctors until the end. The scary news is that this baby has nowhere to sleep, very little to wear and no sling. Though he does have a filthy house to live in.

I'm going to go have my daily dose of caffeine to see if that helps.

Haiku Friday - Search Terms Edition

weird people come here

"myboobs", "dessert boobs", "dirty dad",

"dirty cell phone pics"

"how to lose a gay"

"embracing dorkiness now"

who looks for this stuff?

Haiku Friday - What Now?

Camp is now over

Disposable income gone

six weeks of nothing?

Today was Ironflower's last day of camp. We have no disposable income. We have no pool membership. What in the heck am I going to do with the kids for the next six weeks? I can't handle more than an hour and a half at the park and they can't handle library story time more than one day a week. Other than letting them watch several hours of Noggin and PBS Kids (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the show SuperWhy) every day, what are we going to do?

Haiku Friday - Sometimes The Only Word Is, "Douchebag"

Invisible me

seventh grade over again

at the library

This can't be seventh grade, though. My weight has doubled (in my defense, I was pretty tiny in seventh grade) and I have wrinkles. Not to mention children. But seventh grade is what I've relived twice now at Ironflower's weekly story time. This session of story time is for 3 to 5 year olds. They go up to the story/craft room with the librarian and the parents (and younger siblings) wait in the children's room downstairs. Ironflower loves it and Lovebug enjoys the one on one mommy time.

If it was the moms from the last story time session I went to, I would enjoy it too. Those moms were sweet. And actually, the other moms at this session seem perfectly nice when I talk to them briefly before HE gets there. HE is the star of the town's stay-at-home parents brigade. HE, apparently, has deemed me uncool.

And just like the Queen Bee who considered me uncool in seventh grade (thus forcing me to make real friends with kids from other elementaries), HE will not speak to me. Or move out of my way. Or acknowledge that I exist at all while he regales the newest mom in town with stories of his publishing feats (eg, he sold a novel and as it was about to be published, the publisher went bankrupt and today's special: he brought in an advance copy of the local - free- parent paper because he graces the cover and has an article inside). I know all the details of his life because in the last two story times, he has given them to newest mom.

When the town librarian introduced my kids to his kids last week, he didn't even encourage his kids to say hello. He does not speak to me or to the grandpa that brings his grandson to story time or to the mom whose first language is Spanish, but he is all over the other two moms. He has a British accent that reminds me of Madonna's.

Much like in seventh grade, it's not like I WANT to be friends with - or an acquaintance of - this guy. But unlike in seventh grade, I don't have a hundred alternatives to him and his clique. His son and Ironflower are the same age - and this is a small town. There will be soccer games and kindergarten and more story times. And also unlike seventh grade, I don't know any nasty secrets that I could spill about this guy to get him to at least be polite in public. So, any suggestions?

Haiku Friday - My Hands Are Full Edition

Having another?

They say with so much surprise

And how far apart?

Your hands will be full

They are so close together

You will be busy!!!!!

I suppose people are just making small talk. I suppose they think their comments are original. I suppose they think I hadn't noticed that I will be bearing three children within (barely) four years. I suppose they think they are being amusing. Though I notice it's not people I consider my friends - or even good acquaintances - that  say these things. It's other mothers though - the ones at the library, the park and the preschool.

Sometimes I see them wanting to ask if I'm a highly observant Catholic. Or whether I actually I did this on purpose. Or if I'm crazy.

And I wonder how they would react if I said, "Gee, it must be so easy with just one child. I'd be bored." (BTW, I don't actually think that's true. Some things are easier with one, some things are easier with a few). Or if I commented about how far apart THEIR children are, "Don't you want your children to be good friends?" Or maybe I should say something that hints at their husbands' lack of sexual desire.

Fertility is such a touchy subject. And while I think most people have become more sensitive about making comments to people struggling to have a (or another) child, apparently those of us who have a fertility surplus seem to be fair game. And today it's ticking me off.

(the final straw came when a mother of four - soon to be five - commented that I was sure going to have my hands full. Excuse me? She AND her husband don't even have enough hands for all of their kids.)

So, what family size comments have bothered you lately? I'm not the only one who's touchy, right?

Haiku Friday - Post Crash Edition

Doctor says I SHOULD

have painkillers, relaxants

even some steroids

But I am pregnant

so I get some Tylenol

and a heating pad

I shouldn't complain, because it all could have been so much worse. Part of me appreciated the doctor's sympathy (and his support that I must have been hit a second time - which the cop left out of the police report - while twisting back to check on the kids) to explain my right side pain), but I also wish I didn't know that I could be on lovely prescription painkillers right now. It's not SO bad, but typing and bending my head to look at the computer screen are painful and I'm in blog withdrawal. Thank you all so much for your good thoughts and patience.

Haiku Friday - Tantrum Edition

Asked for a break

a bit dizzy, had to sit

Ironflower MAD

It is the most gorgeous day of 2008 thus far, and after story time I took the kids to the playground. We had walked, so by the time we got to the park I was a little tired. On the way there, I had called Hubby and convinced him to bring us lunch so that we could have a family picnic. Upon arrival, the kiddos headed for the swings. Soon Lovebug wanted to get down and run around, but not Ironflower.

I soon realized that with the actual heat, the pushing the stroller full of library books and my  basic nausea that I needed to sit down. I told Ironflower that I was dizzy and needed to sit on the bench for a few minutes, so she would have to get out of the swing. Her response was to scream.

She screamed and wailed as I took her out of the swing. She kicked and stomped while I walked to the bench. She followed me, telling me how awful I was. She knocked over the stroller. I put her on the bench next to me for a time out. She continued to scream and wail. She tried to get out of her time out.

When Hubby showed up, instead of having a family picnic, we left. Ironflower screamed the entire way home and for a good half an hour in her room. I was so angry. I couldn't stand this little brat who  had ruined our family's day. And where the hell was my daughter?

When we talked to her about it later, all she would say was that she was mad at me for not playing with her. What have I done wrong?

Haiku Friday - First Trimester

Nausea, exhaustion

all from a little round grape

I want my caffeine!

 

If the general first trimester yuckiness wasn't enough, this is the advice I got from my weekly pregnancy newsletter this morning:

Start a daily ritual to connect with your baby. Diane Sanford, a clinical psychologist who focuses on pregnancy and postpartum adjustment, encourages women to set aside two five- to ten-minute periods a day to think about their baby. Just after waking up and before going to sleep works well for many expectant moms. During these times, sit quietly and gently rest your hands on your belly. Focus on your breathing and then start thinking about your baby (your hopes and dreams, your intentions as a parent, etc.). It's a great way to initiate the bonding process and to help you plan for the kind of parent you want to be.

I hate advice like this. And had I read this crap when I was pregnant with Ironflower, I would have felt so guilty. At that time, I was working. I fell asleep as soon as I got into bed and rolled out when the alarm went off for the third time in the morning. Sure, I chatted with her when I drove to work and at other points in the day, but I never sat quietly and focused on my breathing while thinking about her. It's just not my way. I chat with the Grape (that's this week's fetus size) often, too. But when I have a chance to sit quietly, I'll be sleeping, thanks.

 

But what about "initiating the bonding process"? Give me a break. This makes the bonding process sound all complicated, like it's something you have to work at. Granted, there are people who take longer to bond with their babies than "normal", but it's still something that just happens - it's not rocket science. And it happens even when a woman doesn't carry her child, so why stress out a woman in the first trimester with advice like this? (Though if you choose to do this, I'm not judging. Go right ahead, as long as it actually makes you happy.)

Haiku Friday - My Twenty-Five Dollar Hat

Preschool fundraiser

Ladies Night Out - of a kind

so long, low on chairs

Spent twenty-five bucks

Didn't win anything at all

but got baseball cap

there were nice baskets

filled with such pricey prizes

fancy vendors too

stood for three long hours

didn't even buy paisley

lacrosse stick holder

Didn't eat either

Just had some bottled water

Not a real night out

And I think the worst part of it is I've yet to hear what the fundraiser was for. Being the slacker class mom, I haven't gone to a meeting in a while. I could never get a babysitter on the right nights. Not that I tried that hard. My life is busy enough as it is. And it's one thing to make sure Ironflower's class parties are perfect, it's another to raise money for a school where we already pay tuition.

Maybe I'm a little bitter. Our discretionary funds are small enough - to have wasted twenty-five dollars (movies! lunch out! a pedicure!) to stand around for three hours AND not have won anything (one woman won FOUR prizes, FOUR!) AND know that the school is pretty well stocked. . .it rankles a bit.

This attitude is probably something I should add to my "Reasons I'm A Bitch" list, huh?

Haiku Friday - Our Guests

Talked to Hubby

about our houseguest problem

but no fix just yet

we were blackmailed

and it seems so was Celia

Sam is an asshole

Hubby is loyal

guilty about Sam's childhood

sorry it was so bad

Sam reminds me of

my first husband, selfish prick

without bad childhood

Still, they are alike

I am physically ill

Hubby so stressed

Sam so demanding

he doesn't see it that way

doesn't get others

I refuse to leave

this is my house, my kindness

you never come back

Entertain yourselves

you'll pay for Hubby not me?

He's not going, jerk

Haiku Friday - A President

I really don't want

a President who is cool

or could be my friend

Presidents should be

able to quote policy

brilliant, better

People liked W.

Cause they thought they could drink beer

with the normal guy

I hate that so much

Who cares about normal as

economy fails

Extraordinary

That's someone who should be Prez

Extraordinary

Don't represent me

Do what's best for the country

all the citizens

Haiku Friday - The Park!!!!!!!!!!

We went to the park

we went to the park today

oh it's been so long

Though it broke my heart

two mean girls hurt my oldest

with words, but still sad

Grandma didn't care

Ironflower over it

played with Lovebug

I was really mad

gave my teacher-meany glare

feeling better now

I can't wait for spring

park every single day

okay, not in rain

Haiku Friday - Meme-Alicious

Jill at Caffeine Court 

tagged me for a new meme

literary one

Pick up nearest book

Turn to page one twenty three

Find the fifth sentence

Post next three sentences

Tag five people and comment

so I can see yours

My closest book is "The 2,000 Best Games and Activities" because sometimes I do get off the computer and play with my children. And then sometimes I get bored. Er, that's another post. Anyway, on page 123 the fifth, sixth and seventh sentences say:

" You can create a surprise for your toddler by putting safe things out that can be handled in places where they would not ordinarily be found (Ed. note - I did not pick this book for its great writing).  Interesting options include a deck of cards, a wallet, jewelery, brightly colored adult socks, a music box, a cup with cereal. Extension: Add safe items to drawers and toy boxes and help your toddler discover them."

Does anyone else think this "game" is lame and obvious?  And that giving jewelery to a toddler is not generally a good idea?

I am going to tag people, but those people (and anyone else reading this) have an option. You can do the traditional literary meme OR you can share an idea for amusing Lovebug (preferably an idea that is much better than the one in my book). You can also leave your suggestions in the comments section, because Lovebug is getting pretty bored while Ironflower is at school and it is still effing freezing outside.

I officially tag (because if you read this blog you should consider yourself unofficially tagged):

Feener

Melbs1969 

Kathryn

Heathersway 

Jenni 

Haiku Friday - New Jersey Edition

New Jersey my home

may be cooler than you think

best Italian food

Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi

Jon Stewart, Kevin Smith, oh my

Sinatra ain't bad

no one can drive well

but there's a train to the shore

and lots to New York

best pizza, delis

NYC over-priced

other pizza sucks

extreme weather here

never a "so dull" moment

no terror, either

people are so blunt

not all have a bad accent

except at the mawwwwll

Much as I complain about Stuck-Up, in many ways I am glad to be back in Jersey. And I've always been glad to be from Jersey (hence, you know, the internet name - which seemed a lot cuter when I lived in Kansas City). We have Bruce Springsteen, the Sopranos and a magazine called, "Weird, N.J.". We really do have the best pizza. We have the shore. We have Atlantic City (I hear it's interesting. I've never actually been there.). We have a small ski mountain. We have more malls than museums - but we're one train ride away from the best museums in the world. People expect you to be rude and LOVE you when you're not. And there's so MUCH to make fun of - I really do love my home state.

People Have Died For the Right To Vote, You Know

They have fought in wars. They have been in dangerous protests. They have lobbied Congress. They have walked for miles without stopping. All for the right to vote. A lot of us don't appreciate our right to vote anymore. We might think of it as a chore, even.

But voting in the Haiku Buckaroo contest is no chore. It's a pleasure. Really. If you want, you can even vote for me.

I am the first entry in both the "Most Erotic" and "Most Disgusting" categories. I'm not sure what that says about me.

Anyway, you don't have to walk for miles to cast your vote. You can just click here.

Haiku Friday - Noggin

Noggin, my good friend

Makes the winter bearable

But Oobi is creepy

Pinky Dinky Doo

story structure, character

vocabulary

The Backyardigans

Imagination, friendship

geography too!

Noggin makes me smile

"From White Castle to the Nile"

Get the reference?

Haiku Friday - Haiku Buckaroo Edition

Yes, it's Haiku Friday. But you know what else it is? It's the Haiku Buckaroo Contest at My Mommy's Place. That means you - or, I hope, me - can win fabulous prizes for writing haiku. PRIZES, people. And for those of you afraid to write haiku? (Don't worry, everyone's afraid of something.) You can still head over there to vote during the week of the 18th. Which you definitely should, especially if you decide to vote for me.

Anyway, I need to pick one of these haiku (haikus?) to enter in the contest. And that's where you get to help me out. Which one should I enter? You can just leave the number of your favorite in the comments. Thanks for helping!

1.Wuv oo Lovebug says

Wrapping chubby arms around

My precious baby

 

2. I am a princess

I need to check my email

Ironflower smiles

 

3. Oozing, dripping chunks

Slither down into the sock

brown, green, stinky. . .Poop.

 

4. loud and stubborn or

passionate exuberance

depends on the day

 

5. Bang, scream, clank, yell, thud.

Silence propels to boy's room

All well but my heart

 

6. Caress, snuggle, breathe

mouths explore, hands hold, eyes close

a shuddering moan

 

7. Family hug time

comforts mommy very much

and the kiddos too

 

 

 

Haiku Friday - At In The Swing

Free day at play space

so many kids and their moms

I am exhausted

 

Ironflower smiles

Lovebug cannot stop grinning

ball pit so much fun

 

Most other kids nice

Except for that one kicker

You handled it so well

 

I am so so proud

you two are great in public

should we go out more?

 

 

Haiku Friday - With The Girls

So on Sunday, I finally left the farm for my night with a few friends. Oy.



Mary rescued me
and brought me to Christen's house
after some errands

like the liquor store
OK, two liquor store stops
and we got food too

There were many hugs
upon our arrival there
it was wonderful

my old KC friends
they like to drink and party
I used to keep up

I don't party now
But I forgot on Sunday
you know how it is

So I did the shots
and had a vodka cocktail
maybe it was three

Rumpleminze is bad
more than one shot - really bad
I forgot - shots bad

I had so much fun
until I passed out cold
on the hardwood floor

I, apparently,
was very entertaining
I can't remember

It is very good
that I was sleeping over
poor,poor Christen though

there are two bathrooms
I was most ill, not hungover
or so it seemed

Jason took me back
to the farm on that Monday
and got the Hubby

They went out that night
and I tried to recover
no more shots ever