An Open Letter to the Old People at My Gym

Dear old people at the gym,


        Sometimes I have bad thoughts about you. I blame you guys for the fact that two TVs are turned to Fox "News" and none are turned to MSNBC. I get annoyed when you have super loud conversations when I'm trying to relax and stretch. And I roll my eyes when you have those conversations while standing in the middle of a walk way.

But the next asshat (thanks to my college friend for reminding me about that descriptive word) who grumbles about how slowly you're walking on the treadmill or how "those recumbent bikes are pointless"  is going to get a smack. I think it's AWESOME that you're still working out. Inspiring, even. Some people of a certain age just kind of give up on improving themselves. But not you guys. I hope I'm still working out at your age.

(I also hope I'm able to go a little faster and that I don't feel compelled to wear jeans, a button down shirt and full make-up, but we don't need to talk about that.)

I notice that there aren't as many of you around these days and I can only hope that means you're all walking outside. I would hate it if those grumbling douche canoes who think every treadmill session is secretly an Olympic sprint event had discouraged you from coming back. They're probably just jealous because they know their steroid use has shortened their life spans and that they'll never get a chance to work out when they're old.

                                                                                                        Sincerely,
                                                                                           The 42 year old in the yoga pants

PS
I should have explained that I find all but one of you inspiring. One of you, who happens to be most guilty on the loud talking front, is not inspiring. Hearing your rant the other day about why everyone in Kansas just didn't put a basement into their homes or move to (hurricane stricken, flood prone, nor'easter prone) New Jersey was the most ignorant rant I've ever heard. If I ever get as clueless about life beyond my own front door, I hope my children shoot me. 

An Open Letter to Dove, From A Jersey Girl

Dear Dove,

I have never had a problem with your company or its products. I loved your real women advertising campaign and I think it's great that you want women to love their armpits, and the rest of their bodies. I agree with you, even.

However, that doesn't mean I'm going to be okay with you calling my home state the "armpit of the nation". It's never been intended as a compliment and just because you want women to love their armpits, it doesn't undo the stigma of "armpit". Or should I say the stench?

There are some terribly ugly parts of New Jersey, I'll grant you. Of course, having also lived in Massachusetts, Oregon, Washington, Kansas and Missouri, I can tell you that there are some terribly ugly parts of most states.

There are also some gorgeous parts of the state. As you well know, considering your headquarters are located near some of them.

Jersey. 

Jersey. 

Jersey.

I can only imagine you're trying to appeal to middle America, or New Yorkers, by making fun of New Jersey.

Dove, have you ever seen The Sopranos?

I'm just saying that you might not want to piss off a certain small proportion of the 8 million people in New Jersey. Also, it was great show, despite not featuring the most attractive parts of our state. If you'd like to retaliate by discussing Jersey Shore, let me remind you that neither the cast nor the production company nor the creator is actually from New Jersey.

You know who IS from New Jersey?

 Bruce Springsteen. Bon Jovi. Judy Blume.  Debbie Harry. James Fenimore Cooper.  Whitney Houston. Paul Robeson.  Frank Sinatra. Abbott AND Costello.  Les Paul. Danny Devito. Peter Dinklage (Tyrion on Game of Thrones). Martha Stewart. Queen Latifah. James Gandolfini. Janeane Garofalo. Savion Glover.  Paul Simon. Jack Nicholson. Chelsea Handler.  Patti Smith. Kelly Ripa.  The Smithereens. Kevin Smith. Kevin Spacey. Jon Stewart. Buzz Aldrin. Carl Sagan.

That's a sampling, Dove. There's an entire website devoted to famous people from New Jersey. Does the above list scream "armpit" to you? Really?

Normally a company has to do something really egregious before I'll write them off. Like Walmart not paying it's full-time workers enough to live on, or Hobby Lobby refusing its workers birth control but allowing Viagra. Normally I just snort when people make fun of New Jersey, because I know that we're the only state with real pizza and I should pity people who didn't grow up here.

But, you know, we didn't really get credit for having the Super Bowl this year. Absolutely NONE of it was in New York, but you couldn't tell that from the coverage. Also, our governor keeps doing embarrassing stuff and the Nets bailed on us and moved to Brooklyn, then boldly and awesomely signed Jason Collins.

So I'm a little sensitive. Also, since your headquarters are here, I imagine that you are eating our awesome pizza WHILE you are insulting us, and that's just not cool at all.

Why don't you follow the Nets and move to Brooklyn? Not that it matters to me, because I won't be buying your products again.

                                                                                                Yours in disappointment,
                                                                                                     Triplezmom

PS Please apologize during the #JerseyIs discussion on Twitter tonight at 9pm. Thanks. Start with Beth Keklak from Life in the Bat Cave.

Dear Judy Cox of Orem, Utah

Dear Ms. Cox,

     When I heard you bought $500 worth of t-shirts because you found them pornographic, I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry.

pacsun.com

In a world where many magazines, tv shows, movies and stores show sexy women in their underwear, your stand against these particular t-shirts seems a bit silly. Have you ever seen the displays at a Victoria's Secret store? Have you seen what passes for bathing suits these days? Has your son ever seen Sports Illustrated? A lingerie catalog? An episode of The Bachelor? Do you honestly believe your teenaged son has never seen a picture of a woman in her underwear? And here's the thing; if he hasn't, he's imagined enough of them that this t-shirt isn't going to truly shock him, no matter what he may have told you.

But my bigger problem is your assumption that a voluptuous female body is inherently pornographic. That sexy is the same as pornographic. That a woman who is not hiding her body is somehow dirty or shameful. That sexual arousal is a cause for shame. These shirts depict no sex acts. The models are consenting adults. The shirts are tasteless, not pornographic.

If you'd like to be outraged, be outraged that young women are repeatedly shown that to be sexy is all that matters. Be outraged that there are no comparable t-shirts with sexy young men in their underwear. Be outraged that this is what sells in our country.

Or maybe take your $500 and donate it to a group that works on the real outrages in our country. Use it to stop human trafficking, or to help victims of sexual violence, or to teach young men (like your son) to stop sexual violence, or to stop sexism in advertising. But that wouldn't get you all over Buzzfeed, would it?

Instead of trying to hide sexiness from your son, teach him how to handle it respectfully. Instead of eliminating these t-shirts from the world, work to eliminate the sexism that inspired them. Instead of throwing a tantrum, start a revolution.

                                                                                                     Yours sincerely,
                                                                                                        TripleZmom

Dear World

Dear World,

    As I write this (last Friday for those of you reading it on the day it posts), I'm following reports on Twitter about a shooting in mid-town Manhattan. Where people I know work. Where I've happily taken my children and actually thought about doing so today. World, I'm getting really sick of hearing about mass shootings.

     I don't want to get into a fight about gun control, World. Sure, if there was a sharp shooter in mid-town or in the Aurora movie theater or in wherever the next shooting happens, s/he may be able to take out the killer if s/he happens to have a loaded gun on his or her person, the killer is not wearing protective clothing and the sharp shooter gets a clear shot when people are running around freaking out, then a concealed weapon permit would have saved lives. Sure, there's nothing wrong with hunting or target shooting as sports and/or ways to get meat, though I fail how to see 100 round magazines and Uzis are sportsmanlike. And sure, guns don't walk out the door and start shooting by themselves.

    That's the part I want to talk to you about, World. People using guns to kill people. Surely we can agree that all these killers are profoundly mentally ill? I'm not saying that they're not responsible for their actions or don't deserve to be severely punished, I'm just saying that they've got big mental health issues. Can we all agree on that? Okay? Okay.

     World, nobody just wakes up one day so mentally ill that s/he thinks a shooting spree is a good idea. Which means instead of spending all this time and energy on what wrong AFTER a person loses it and pretends life is a video game, maybe we should pay attention to what's going on with people before they lose it?

Aren't we all supposed to be smarter than this guy?

      Like maybe mental health care could be more affordable and accessible? And maybe we could see it like we see any other trip to the doctor? Do you think people who get cancer treatments are weak? Or people who use antibiotics? No? Then why is there a stigma when people take care of their mental health? If you don't expect people to overcome cancer through sheer force of will, why would you expect people to overcome anxiety or PTSD or bipolar disorder or addiction* that way? 

     We keep talking to our kids about bullying and its effects. Which is great. But maybe we should realize that adults do it too, yet we have no teachers or parents exhorting us to stop. Or, if we're not bullying actively, we're ignoring the neighbor who is quiet or weird or whatever. We look the other way when someone near us is in pain, unless that someone belongs to our family or church or other kind of tribe.

     World, this whole tribal thing? It's not working. Dehumanizing people who are different, who we consider "other", that's what opens the door for mass killings. We are all human, no matter what our belief system. We all hurt, we all grieve, we all have dreams. All of us. Even the person who is so broken that he starts shooting in the street. Why can't we all remember that?

                                                                                                      With love,
                                                                                                         Jen


*I am in no way diagnosing these killers with these disorders, nor saying that all people with these disorders will become evil without treatment. Got it?