My Favorite Celebrities: Drinking Edition

I don't get why people want to be able to have a beer with the President. First of all, just because someone is fun to drink with doesn't mean s/he is good at any job, let alone a very important one. I don't want the President to be "fun", I want him/her to be running the country. And have you ever had a beer with someone who is preoccupied with work? Either the person is a total buzzkill and keeps talking about work, or s/he gets completely wasted, convinces you to dance on a bar and winds up making out with someone with tribal tattoos.

Celebrities are a completely different matter, though. Celebrities, regardless of how amazing their latest movie and/or humanitarian project is, are not running the country. They are supposed to be fun. Or at least interesting.

So here's a list of celebrities I would like to have a beer (or five) with - kind of in order, but not precisely:

1. Kathy Griffin - I love her. She's funny and honest and talks about her issues and loves to gossip. Plus, she doesn't drink, so she could drive me home.

2. Mindy Kaling - Her book,Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns), makes me happy. And I love The Office, so anyone who writes for it is welcome to drink with me anytime.

3. Chelsea Handler - First of all, she loves to drink. Also, her books are hysterical and her talk show is one of the two that I'll keep watching when the guest comes on.

4. Jon Stewart - Hosts the other show that I'll keep watching even when the guest comes on. He is so funny and smart, I would do other things besides just have a beer with him.

5. Amy Poehler - Other celebrities talk about how nice she is, plus she's brilliantly funny. And she's married to Will Arnett, who I would also be happy to have a beer with.

6. Tina Fey - Even though I wish she'd let Liz Lemon evolve a bit, how do you not love Tina Fey? Though I think with her I might just want to get some ice cream. I'm pretty sure I couldn't catch all of her references if I was drinking.

7. Kevin Smith - A much better representation of Jersey than anyone except Bruce Springsteen (who I would not want to have a beer with, because I wouldn't be able to talk coherently). Funny, nerdy, swears constantly - my dream man.

8. Neil Patrick Harris - Brilliant career moves intrigue me. Plus, he likes show tunes and can tell a joke. Perfect drinking companion.

9. Jason Bateman - I have had a crush on him ever since I started having crushes. He could tell me what it was like to be on Silver Spoons AND my childhood favorite, Little House on the Prairie. Plus, I think he'd be kind when I spilled my beer or did something else equally embarrassing.

10. Any member of the Wayans family - Actually, what I'd really like to do is celebrate a holiday with them. I just envision a lot of good-natured humor and family talent shows.

11. Adele - I love Adele. Her interviews make me love her more. I'd be happy to go to the dry cleaners with her, let alone drink with her.

12. Queen Latifah - She is way cooler than I will ever be and always has been. Plus, Hot Guy met her and says she's really nice. Also? She's from Jersey. I'm just saying.




To be fair, though, some celebrities, like Presidents, are not meant for drinking beers and shooting the shit. Such as:

1. Oprah - Could you relax around Oprah? I'd be afraid to order a beer in case she brought Dr.Phil out to yell at me.

2. Any Kardashian (with the possible exception of Khloe) - What on earth would we talk about?

3. Rush Limbaugh - Obviously.

4. Kanye West - Pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise.

5. The Beckhams - I don't think they kick back and drink beer, I think they live on protein shakes and edamame. Plus I don't think Posh and I have a lot in common, except for a deep appreciation for David's body. Which would make for awkward conversation, to say the least.

6. Justin Bieber - Even if he was old enough to drink legally, I'd still pass. I think deep down inside, he's incredibly boring.

7. Madonna - I would have loved to party with the Madonna of 30 years ago, but I'm pretty sure today's Madonna doesn't drink beer. Though she does put on a hell of a halftime show.  

8. Anyone a "news channel" has hired to host a show with his or her name in the title - Bill O'Reilly? Nancy Grace? Are these people you'd really want to drink with? I hear even Keith Olbermann is an asshole and I agree with a lot of his opinions. The only exception here is Rachel Maddow. She rules and I would LOVE to drink with her.

9. Angelina Jolie - While I have mostly forgiven her for breaking up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, she just doesn't seem like a fun person to me. Maybe she is supermom and a great director and actress and charitable and all that, but I think she'd be a total buzzkill.

Today I Like the F Word

People bug me. I know, I know. That's a shocker, huh? I know I always seem like such sweetness and light. But, believe it or not, I spend a lot of time marveling and how stupid and/or annoying people are. Once, to honor my friend Nita, a woman who really was sweetness and light and who died way too soon, I tried to have only nice thoughts about people. I tried to be positive and kind in thought and deed.

I lasted a day.

So now I try to avoid being a completely selfish cow, or losing it in front of my children. It's important to have attainable goals.

Anyway, I don't think it's totally selfish or harming my children when I say. . ..

Jon Gosselin, why don't you run off with Miss California so that we don't have to deal with any of you anymore?

Miss California: I don't really care about your feelings on gay marriage. As far as I'm concerned, those with a religious objection to gay marriage should make sure that their personal religious institutions do not permit such ceremonies and shut the hell up about what the government permits. If the objection is religious, keep it to your religion. Oh, and I think anyone who poses half naked and has fake boobs shouldn't be bragging about what a great Christian she is.

Jon and Kate: I'm not above exploiting my family either. I mean, I enjoy the free stuff I get for this blog. Sure, your exploitation has gotten you book deals and a new house and fabulous trips, but whatever. I'm not a jealous person. But of course, you couldn't just enjoy your money, could you? You had to start acting like real fucking celebrities. Which you are not, by the way. Hell, your reality show isn't even competitive! But now Kate's on the cover - the COVER - of People magazine, Jon's scamming ingenue types and the whole mess is being played out in the tabloids. To which I say, I have now lost all respect for you , your show and your parenting skills. Grow the hell up.

Retarded College Students: It's true, President Obama doesn't deserve an honorary degree from ASU, since I'm pretty sure their idea of accomplishment has to do with keg stands. I can't believe those whiners don't want to give the FUCKING PRESIDENT a damn degree.

Fox News: And speaking of college students, why the hell is Fox News acting like the protests at Notre Dame are a HUGE news story? I don't care if the anti-choicers are protesting the pro-choice President. I know plenty of college students protested when Bush spoke at commencements (not that Fox News reported this). I don't even mind it being a news item. But at the top of their home page? Is that really necessary?

Question: Am I the only person who barely remembers who her college commencement speaker was? And wouldn't have bothered protesting at the time (even though I protested other things), because it's just not that important? I mean, this generation is fucking whiny, right?