Rental Car Companies Are Smarter Than Camille Paglia

When I started reading Camille Paglia's (if you don't know of her, think of her as this wild professor who likes to analyze pop culture obsessively and contradict people for fun) essay on under-aged drinking, I was startled to find myself agreeing with her.

It is stupid that people can quit school, fight in a war, get married, be parents and/or vote at 18, but they can't buy booze until they're 21. I mean, it's much easier to care for a bottle of vodka than it is to care for a baby. . .or even a rifle.

But then, as Camille lamented that teenager drinkers would be better off in public bars, learning to have conversations, than they were at frat parties. . .

I realized that no, I don't actually agree with Camille Paglia on something.

Camille is 67 years old. While that makes her young compared to some of the people at my gym, I think we can safely say that she hasn't been a teenager for a while.  And though I haven't either, I did spend a lot of my youth drinking. I suspect Camille was busy actually studying, or she would remember that many bars - especially the kind that appeal to younger people - are filled with fucking idiots. Karaoke? Wet t-shirt contests? Shots? Dance offs? And these are the people we think are mature enough to drink? Let 18 year olds in and there'll be people in wet t-shirts trying to drink the most shots while singing Justin Bieber songs.

Also, even people who can drink legally often attend parties. In fact, Animal House, which was based on the authors' experiences at Dartmouth in the 60s, was about a time when 18 year olds could drink in bars, yet they chose to do it at frat houses sometimes. Also, she claims that date rape has grown more common since teenagers were "forced" to start drinking in private homes. So not only is she clueless about teen party culture, she is equally clueless about date rape. First of all, it's reported more now. Second of all, it's recognized more now than it was back in the day. And third of all, date rape happens when you hang out with a date rapist - whether that's at a bar or at party. Or a library.

Camille would also like to believe that because people in Europe are more relaxed about youthful drinking, with lower drinking ages and sharing of wine at family dinners and whatnot, their teenagers don't act stupid around alcohol. This sounds logical, but we can't just rely on what just sounds logical when we write essays for national magazines (or blog posts, come to think of it). We have to do a little research and see if FACTS back up what we think sounds logical. In this case, they do not. If you don't want to read the very long study I easily found on Google, here's the summary:

Recent data from representative surveys provide no evidence that young Europeans drink 
more responsibly than their counterparts in the US. 
 A greater percentage of young people from all of the European countries except 
Iceland report drinking in the past 30 days. 
 A majority of the European countries included in this study have higher intoxication 
rates among young people than the United States and about one third of the countries 
have equal or lower rates to the United States; and 
 For a majority of these European countries, a greater percentage of young people 
report having been intoxicated before the age of 13. 

But the real reason that I think rental car companies are smarter than Camille Paglia is that they understand what she doesn't; the brain isn't fully mature until you are about 25. Now, I have known plenty of mature and wonderful people who made great decisions in their late teens and early twenties, but the law can't just apply to those people. That's why if you show up at the car rental agency and show them your Google employee i.d. and paycheck stub and stable partner and great credit rating, they still won't let you rent a car if you're under 25.

And if you can't be trusted with a rental car, should you really be trusted with booze? Or guns? Or the decision to fight for your country? Or whether to star in porn movies?

I think we should take a page from the car rental companies and move the other age limits UP to match the one for booze, not bring booze down.

Hell, maybe they should all be moved up to 25. What do you think?

Twenty-One. . .Times Two

Happy birthday to my Dad, who has graciously shared his birthday with me for more than half of his life now. Yikes. And happy birthday to my aunt, who always manages to wish me a happy birthday first. 

Today I am 42. I've been obsessed with the idea of being 42 for months. I haven't been sure why, as I'm not a huge fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

But it hit me last week. 42 is the double of 21. Which means I've been drinking legally for half my life. When you add in the 7 years I spent drinking illegally, you could say I've been drinking for two thirds of my life. Even though I've totally slacked off in the past nine years.

Er, I mean, I totally quit drinking each time I was pregnant. As you do. But even as I excitedly re-introduced alcohol into my life after each birth, I became a little less enamored with it. Drinking makes me (more?) self-involved and loud, neither of which are excellent parenting traits. Plus, hangovers.

If I had always gotten hangovers like I do EVERY SINGLE TIME I drink now, I never would have spent my twenties and early thirties in all those bars. But since I did, and technically it's Teaching Tuesday, I do have some drinking advice. . .

1. Dancing on tables is fun. But not if you are wearing a skirt. And if you are too drunk to remember what you are wearing, it's time to go home.

2. Shots are the devil. Sure, they may look nice and fruity. They may have been bought and/or made by your dearest friends in the world. But they will fuck you up.

3. Absolutely nothing that you believe to be true about yourself when you are drunk - whether positive or negative - is really true. You are not the funnier than the stand up comedian, you are not a better dancer than everyone else there and you are not going to die alone, eaten by your cats.

4. It's fine to let strangers buy you a drink - if you can watch it being made by a bartender. It's not fine to let strangers, acquaintances or that guy from work bring you a drink. People are shady, and roofies really don't have any taste.

5. No one ever looks as hot in the morning.

6. Don't drink on an empty stomach. Sure, it sounds like a good idea - fewer calories, the booze hits you sooner - but if you miscalculate and wind up puke your guts out drunk? You'll wind up dry heaving. Ugh.

7. Puking the night before and then sleeping for 12 hours only seems to help the hangovers of those under 40. Just FYI.

8. If you are hoping to make new friends or meet someone with whom you want to have an actual relationship, getting drunk is not the way to do it. Getting drunk is for bonding with the people you already know.

9. Flashing and/or mooning people seems funny until one of them takes out a cell phone.

My Favorite Celebrities: Drinking Edition

I don't get why people want to be able to have a beer with the President. First of all, just because someone is fun to drink with doesn't mean s/he is good at any job, let alone a very important one. I don't want the President to be "fun", I want him/her to be running the country. And have you ever had a beer with someone who is preoccupied with work? Either the person is a total buzzkill and keeps talking about work, or s/he gets completely wasted, convinces you to dance on a bar and winds up making out with someone with tribal tattoos.

Celebrities are a completely different matter, though. Celebrities, regardless of how amazing their latest movie and/or humanitarian project is, are not running the country. They are supposed to be fun. Or at least interesting.

So here's a list of celebrities I would like to have a beer (or five) with - kind of in order, but not precisely:

1. Kathy Griffin - I love her. She's funny and honest and talks about her issues and loves to gossip. Plus, she doesn't drink, so she could drive me home.

2. Mindy Kaling - Her book,Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns), makes me happy. And I love The Office, so anyone who writes for it is welcome to drink with me anytime.

3. Chelsea Handler - First of all, she loves to drink. Also, her books are hysterical and her talk show is one of the two that I'll keep watching when the guest comes on.

4. Jon Stewart - Hosts the other show that I'll keep watching even when the guest comes on. He is so funny and smart, I would do other things besides just have a beer with him.

5. Amy Poehler - Other celebrities talk about how nice she is, plus she's brilliantly funny. And she's married to Will Arnett, who I would also be happy to have a beer with.

6. Tina Fey - Even though I wish she'd let Liz Lemon evolve a bit, how do you not love Tina Fey? Though I think with her I might just want to get some ice cream. I'm pretty sure I couldn't catch all of her references if I was drinking.

7. Kevin Smith - A much better representation of Jersey than anyone except Bruce Springsteen (who I would not want to have a beer with, because I wouldn't be able to talk coherently). Funny, nerdy, swears constantly - my dream man.

8. Neil Patrick Harris - Brilliant career moves intrigue me. Plus, he likes show tunes and can tell a joke. Perfect drinking companion.

9. Jason Bateman - I have had a crush on him ever since I started having crushes. He could tell me what it was like to be on Silver Spoons AND my childhood favorite, Little House on the Prairie. Plus, I think he'd be kind when I spilled my beer or did something else equally embarrassing.

10. Any member of the Wayans family - Actually, what I'd really like to do is celebrate a holiday with them. I just envision a lot of good-natured humor and family talent shows.

11. Adele - I love Adele. Her interviews make me love her more. I'd be happy to go to the dry cleaners with her, let alone drink with her.

12. Queen Latifah - She is way cooler than I will ever be and always has been. Plus, Hot Guy met her and says she's really nice. Also? She's from Jersey. I'm just saying.




To be fair, though, some celebrities, like Presidents, are not meant for drinking beers and shooting the shit. Such as:

1. Oprah - Could you relax around Oprah? I'd be afraid to order a beer in case she brought Dr.Phil out to yell at me.

2. Any Kardashian (with the possible exception of Khloe) - What on earth would we talk about?

3. Rush Limbaugh - Obviously.

4. Kanye West - Pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise.

5. The Beckhams - I don't think they kick back and drink beer, I think they live on protein shakes and edamame. Plus I don't think Posh and I have a lot in common, except for a deep appreciation for David's body. Which would make for awkward conversation, to say the least.

6. Justin Bieber - Even if he was old enough to drink legally, I'd still pass. I think deep down inside, he's incredibly boring.

7. Madonna - I would have loved to party with the Madonna of 30 years ago, but I'm pretty sure today's Madonna doesn't drink beer. Though she does put on a hell of a halftime show.  

8. Anyone a "news channel" has hired to host a show with his or her name in the title - Bill O'Reilly? Nancy Grace? Are these people you'd really want to drink with? I hear even Keith Olbermann is an asshole and I agree with a lot of his opinions. The only exception here is Rachel Maddow. She rules and I would LOVE to drink with her.

9. Angelina Jolie - While I have mostly forgiven her for breaking up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, she just doesn't seem like a fun person to me. Maybe she is supermom and a great director and actress and charitable and all that, but I think she'd be a total buzzkill.

Can You Put Lemonade In This Sippy Cup and Get Me A Shot of Tequila?

So let's talk about something close to my heart: bars.

Before I had children, I spent a lot of my social time in bars. Bars combined some of my favorite activities; people watching, football watching, trivia playing, drinking and smoking. Just typing that makes me long for the good old days - or at least one gloomy fall day in a sports bar with my friends Mimi and Lauren, several football games, an NTN trivia board and a pitcher of beer. Or maybe a table on the patio of a brewpub, with a perfect view of all the crazy people walking through the neighborhood. Or possibly. . . .

Ahem, I seem to have gotten a bit distracted. My point was that no one loves a good bar more than I do. And yet it's never occurred to me to bring my children to one. How I missed this stroller ban drama, I'll never know. Apparently some bar in Brooklyn tried to ban strollers which enraged the local parents. Where else could they meet on rainy afternoons?

Uh. . . .a coffee shop? Library? Someone's house? Restaurant? Book store?

Personally, I like to imbibe when my children are already asleep or (even better) when someone else is taking care of them. I think it's a slippery slope when you (I) pop open "just one" bottle of wine at a playdate.

But let's suppose that these parents have more self-control than I do, okay? I still think the idea of pushing your stroller - or carrying your Baby Bjorn - into a bar is ridiculous. We're not talking about bar/restaurants, either. Apparently, these parents don't think they should have to "give up their lifestyles" just because they've had children.

I think that's fine to a point - if they have money for sleek, designer children's furniture/toys/clothes, good for them. I think it's fine if they bring well-behaved children to nice restaurants. More power to them if they want to take their toddlers to Paris. But I've gotta draw the line at taking your kids to Happy Hour.

What do you think?

Haiku Friday - With The Girls

So on Sunday, I finally left the farm for my night with a few friends. Oy.



Mary rescued me
and brought me to Christen's house
after some errands

like the liquor store
OK, two liquor store stops
and we got food too

There were many hugs
upon our arrival there
it was wonderful

my old KC friends
they like to drink and party
I used to keep up

I don't party now
But I forgot on Sunday
you know how it is

So I did the shots
and had a vodka cocktail
maybe it was three

Rumpleminze is bad
more than one shot - really bad
I forgot - shots bad

I had so much fun
until I passed out cold
on the hardwood floor

I, apparently,
was very entertaining
I can't remember

It is very good
that I was sleeping over
poor,poor Christen though

there are two bathrooms
I was most ill, not hungover
or so it seemed

Jason took me back
to the farm on that Monday
and got the Hubby

They went out that night
and I tried to recover
no more shots ever