The Idiot Theory of Relationships

I used to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8. The kids liked it - and I didn't have to worry about what they were learning from it, unlike their other favorite adult shows, Family Guy and Robot Chicken. Anyhow, if one more person blames Kate's bitchiness for the dissolution of that marriage I'm going to break something. You know what makes a woman bitchy? Being married to an idiot.

Now, let's take my own marriage. There are times, like when Hot Guy cannot find the children's bathing suits -located in their dresser drawers - that I get a bitchy attitude. But then there are times when I cannot make the iron work without his intervention. (Which is why I don't iron anymore. But I digress.) And then, well, Hot Guy doesn't, of course, because he's flawless and all, but OTHER husbands might get an attitude over my iron incompetence. Or about the time I backed into the garage door with our new car.

Anyway, my point is that in any given marriage at any given time, someone's is acting like the idiot. As long as idiot duty hovers around 50-50, things will be okay. But Jon Gosselin never quit being the idiot. He never seemed to know what was going on, never stood up for himself, never discussed things, never took responsibility. And always having to be the smart one will stress a person out. Which might turn them into a bitch. Hence, Kate Gosselin.

Maybe she is a bitch. . . but being married to an idiot and having EIGHT kids might make you bitchy too. Maybe she is obsessed with money.. .but she has EIGHT kids, she really doesn't have a choice but to be obsessed with money. Maybe she's changed her look since she first got on TV. . .but hello, this America where everyone wants to look 20 forever. Is she really any worse than anyone else? Really?

And finally, let's look at what's happened with them since the divorce. Jon is dating a college dropout who parties hard and badmouths the mother of his children while also staying at MICHAEL LOHAN'S house with a tabloid reporter who claims they are dating. Oh, and maybe he's going to design clothes for some designer most of us hadn't heard of until this plan. Can someone say idiot?

I could totally be a marriage counselor, don't you think?

Today I Like the F Word

People bug me. I know, I know. That's a shocker, huh? I know I always seem like such sweetness and light. But, believe it or not, I spend a lot of time marveling and how stupid and/or annoying people are. Once, to honor my friend Nita, a woman who really was sweetness and light and who died way too soon, I tried to have only nice thoughts about people. I tried to be positive and kind in thought and deed.

I lasted a day.

So now I try to avoid being a completely selfish cow, or losing it in front of my children. It's important to have attainable goals.

Anyway, I don't think it's totally selfish or harming my children when I say. . ..

Jon Gosselin, why don't you run off with Miss California so that we don't have to deal with any of you anymore?

Miss California: I don't really care about your feelings on gay marriage. As far as I'm concerned, those with a religious objection to gay marriage should make sure that their personal religious institutions do not permit such ceremonies and shut the hell up about what the government permits. If the objection is religious, keep it to your religion. Oh, and I think anyone who poses half naked and has fake boobs shouldn't be bragging about what a great Christian she is.

Jon and Kate: I'm not above exploiting my family either. I mean, I enjoy the free stuff I get for this blog. Sure, your exploitation has gotten you book deals and a new house and fabulous trips, but whatever. I'm not a jealous person. But of course, you couldn't just enjoy your money, could you? You had to start acting like real fucking celebrities. Which you are not, by the way. Hell, your reality show isn't even competitive! But now Kate's on the cover - the COVER - of People magazine, Jon's scamming ingenue types and the whole mess is being played out in the tabloids. To which I say, I have now lost all respect for you , your show and your parenting skills. Grow the hell up.

Retarded College Students: It's true, President Obama doesn't deserve an honorary degree from ASU, since I'm pretty sure their idea of accomplishment has to do with keg stands. I can't believe those whiners don't want to give the FUCKING PRESIDENT a damn degree.

Fox News: And speaking of college students, why the hell is Fox News acting like the protests at Notre Dame are a HUGE news story? I don't care if the anti-choicers are protesting the pro-choice President. I know plenty of college students protested when Bush spoke at commencements (not that Fox News reported this). I don't even mind it being a news item. But at the top of their home page? Is that really necessary?

Question: Am I the only person who barely remembers who her college commencement speaker was? And wouldn't have bothered protesting at the time (even though I protested other things), because it's just not that important? I mean, this generation is fucking whiny, right?