What's Your Parenting Mantra?

I think the hardest thing about parenting - aside from the whole sending what is essentially your heart out into the world completely unprotected, plus the amount of vomit and snot you have to deal with - is that it keeps changing.

I remember when Ironflower was a baby and I took her to Target for the first time by myself. All these scenarios kept running through my head;

• What if she has a poop-splosion?
• What if she starts screaming and I have to breastfeed her in public?
• What if I have to go to the bathroom? Is it okay to put the carrier on the floor? Can I bring the cart in?
• What if she starts screaming and breastfeeding doesn't work? 
• What if someone tries to kidnap her?
• What if someone sneezes on her? 

It took a while for me to be comfortable parenting an infant, is what I'm trying to say. And just when I got comfortable with it, Ironflower started to turn into a toddler. She weaned herself. She started throwing things. And she got very, very opinionated. 

One night, (because of course it was at night after I'd taught all day and my very pregnant with Lovebug feet were swollen and sore) Ironflower fell into the side of the coffee table. The table had corner and edge protectors, but naturally she managed to avoid those and hit the hard side. I'm pretty sure both of us cried. 

Hot Guy was, I believe, on stage or on the radio  - someplace where I couldn't call him. Ironflower's forehead had a small cut and a growing bump. I tried to ice the bump and she fussed like she'd never fussed before. I called the pediatrician. 

Part of me - the part of me that wasn't a freaking out still new-ish mom crazed by the hormones of her second pregnancy - knew that she had no signs of concussion and would be fine. But I called anyway. The mellow doctor on call assured me that she would be fine and to apply ice (how I miss the non-hysterical medical care we got in the midwest). "But she hates the ice! She won't let me hold it on her head!" I probably wailed to the poor guy. 

"You're the parent," he said calmly. 

Oh. Right. 

So I held the damn ice on her head and by the next day she hardly had any bump at all. I, however, had toddler heel shaped bruises on my thighs and a healthy respect for my daughter's lung capacity.

I also had a parenting mantra that worked really well. "You're the parent," echoed through my head as we negotiated walking, talking, sharing, dressing and all of those other milestones that can make parenting young children challenging. It's all I want to say to the desperate newer moms in the Facebook groups I read, as they discuss how much their 2 year old hates the car seat/potty training/receiving the wrong color cup. When you've got an infant, your goal is to soothe them. That's not a good plan when your 18 month old is determined to run into traffic. Your goal has to go from soothing to correcting.

But now, now I've got kids who don't run into traffic. They don't scream if I give them the wrong color cup. In fact, they don't really care what color their cup is. It's liberating, but it's also terrifying. No pediatrician has helpfully provided a mantra for this stage. And while there's still correcting and soothing to be done, it's a lot more complicated than saying a resounding "No!" or nursing on demand.

The closest I've come is, "Don't raise assholes." And while I'm proud that my kids don't knock toddlers over in their haste to be first in line at the ice cream truck while yelling, "Moooooooom, give me money, don't be a bitch***!" I don't feel it incorporates the entire experience of parenting elementary school aged kids.

Though, to be honest, if more people adopted that as a mantra the world would probably be a better place.

Anyway, do you have a parenting mantra? Has it evolved as your kids have gotten older? 

***This really happened. Local readers, it was at Finch Park a few summers ago. 

Four More Years

Dear Smug Preschool Parent,

Your post on how we're ruining our children was just ADORABLE. It's so great how you've learned everything about raising tweens and teenagers in your 4 years of parenting. I mean, sure, your kid has never worked really hard at soccer all season and been thrilled about her "participation trophy", because she felt it rewarded her hard work at games and practices. . .even though her team lost. Why on earth should we reward hard work? I'm sure that's going to kill the competitive spirit in these kids, excellent point. And of course, we shouldn't encourage them to keep doing something if they suck at it, you are so right. I just hope your kid doesn't have any trouble when it comes to reading. . .I mean, you wouldn't want her to keep at it if she sucks, right?  I hope, when your child is old enough to play soccer, you refuse to accept her participation trophy.

Also, I sure hope you don't listen to your child when she's older and begs to play soccer, learn piano and and take karate. You're right, too many people are overscheduling their children and you totally have the right idea. Your preschooler doesn't do any activities! I'm sure what's perfect for a 4 year old will also be perfect for a 10 year old and a 14 year old. Right?

The best part was when you discussed technology after dark. It was brilliant the way you described a teenager reacting to the restriction of phones/internet after 10pm exactly like a 4 year old reacts. I mean, maybe they would react that way. . .I don't know. My oldest kid is 8. I don't know what it's like to deal with a teenager and technology, I have some ideas but without having had a chance to implement them, I'm not sure I can judge what other parents do yet. But I am reassured that my hormonal teenager will only get up to naughtiness on the phone/internet late at night and that if I restrict their timing and whether their door is closed or open then all will be okay. It's great that you've learned teenage habits while parenting your 4 year old.

I also appreciated your section on teaching kids that life's not fair. I mean, why explain that adults get to have devices in their rooms because they are more mature and need less sleep, as I've explained to my kids, when you can just say, "Suck it up, Buttercup." Why teach them the difference between fairness (a playground with modifications so kids in wheelchairs can play too) and sameness (everyone gets devices in their rooms)? Of course, maybe a preschooler might not be ready to learn that. Maybe a 4 year old couldn't get that distinction. But an 8 year old can. . .not that you would know.

And that's my biggest problem with your post. When I started reading it, I assumed you had older children. Like, maybe even happy, healthy and successful young adults. I figured, how could anyone who hasn't finished raising their kids already be so judgmental? As I kept reading, I realized that it wasn't experience talking, it was inexperience.

Remember before you had children? And you had all those ideas, like, "My toddler will never watch TV," or "My baby will never get a pacifier." And then you actually had a toddler and you desperately wanted time to take a shower or talk on the phone? Or you had an infant whose colic was soothed by a pacifier?

The same thing happens as your kids get older, lady. You have all these grand plans and then reality comes along and bites you in the ass. You're not suddenly an expert on all parenting because you've managed to potty train one kid.

Sincerely,

Slightly Wiser Elementary Parent

I'm Failing at Being Non-Judgmental

So I read this post about sharing.

I refrained from commenting on it, because I think it's rude to leave comments like, "You're raising your kid to be an asshole." But, um, obviously, I have a problem with this lady's parenting in this instance.

To recap for those of you too lazy to click the link (and those of you too tired to remember what it said); this mom never forces her kid to share - whether it's his toy or a communal toy. She thinks that always giving in to what another kid wants makes the other kid selfish and spoiled. But not hers.

Did I mention that she has one kid, who's still in preschool? I mean, she never has to worry about sharing when she's also trying to cook dinner or answer email or whatever.

I have never had a specific policy on sharing. My general policy on parenting is, "Don't raise assholes." Like, if my kid brings his own toy to the park, no, he doesn't have to share it. Especially with some random kid who wants it. I think it's asshole-ish to demand things that belong to total strangers, so if my kids want something someone else has, too bad.

The inner tube gets shared a lot at the pool. But only with friends, ever since the day we lent a kickboard to seemingly nice kid we'd just met and it never came back. 

However.

When the toys are community property, I make my kids share. The mom in the original post shares how her son loves to ride this one toy at the rec center, so he'll often stay on it for the entire hour and a half play time - even if other kids want it. I think that's asshole behavior. It's not his toy, it belongs to all the kids there. So they should all get a turn. Period. Her son's needs don't get to supersede everyone eles's just because he got to the toy first.

I wonder about these people.

I wonder if they're the people who linger over coffee at restaurants while people are waiting for the table. I wonder if they're the people who take up two parking spots because there were two available when they got to the mall stupid early. I wonder if they're the people who take the cool (supposedly communal) sand toys home from the community sand box just because their kids like them. I wonder if they're the people who go under the speed limit in the left passing lane. I wonder if they're the people who don't pull all the way up in the car pool lane, so that everyone else has to wait while their kid walks ten fewer feet to the school door. I wonder if they're the people who think being first means they are more important than everyone else.

I'm not saying they are, of course. I'm not saying that this kid will be. I'm not judging. . .exactly. I'm just. . .questioning. Yeah, that's it. I'm questioning.

How do you all handle sharing?

Not Exactly Advice

Okay, so I don't usually give parenting advice on the blog. Unless it's for celebrities. Because clearly, most of them need my help. (Quick tip for Snooki: Don't spray tan your child until he asks for it. And enjoy those baby years, they fly by so fast!) I'm not going to feel qualified to give a lot of parenting advice until my children are all happy, well-adjusted, successful adults. If you're of the same opinion, don't think of it as advice. Think of it as a cautionary tale.

Ironflower's best friend is J. Ironflower and J have been buddies since they met in dance class as 4 year olds. J's mom manages a lovely house, 5 kids and does stuff like take classes at the local college and compete in mixed martial arts. She is way cooler than I am, obviously. But I always consoled myself that she was able to do so many things because she had this wonderful babysitter to help with the kids.

A wonderful babysitter, vetted by an agency, who'd been with the family for years and really seemed to care about the kids. Hell, she seemed to care about my kids too. She even offered to babysit for my kids when she wasn't working for J's family and I had plans to take her up on it for a night out or three.

Except she appears to have disappeared. With cash and J's mom's jewelry. Oh, and even the kids' Nintendo DSes. She stole from the kids she spent the last 3 years caring for.

And the kicker? She did it to her previous employers too. The nanny agency didn't really do a background check on her at all.

At least she didn't hurt the kids. . .except by this total betrayal. J's mom did everything right and this still happened. It totally sucks.

When I was a nanny during college, I worked for a family whose previous nanny had abused one of the kids. They hired me because I was a close friend of a close friend who liked the kids, because after that experience with the nanny agency hire, they didn't trust an agency again.

Since then, I've heard other stories about bad babysitters. Or I've seen them at the park, completely ignoring the kids. (To be fair, though, I've seen parents doing that too.) My kids have been mostly babysat by their grandparents, though we did have some good friends watch Ironflower when she was a baby. Having a regular nanny or babysitter has never been a financial option for us, but even if it was, I'm not sure I could do it now.

Look, I know there are great nannies and babysitters out there. I've seen them at their charges' birthday parties and soccer games. I was one, I like to think. But if you can't even trust a nanny agency to find you one that's not a criminal. . .

Be careful, folks.

(Especially you, Snooki.)

In Which I Give Parenting Advice

I screw up a lot as a parent. I mean, I don't beat my children or feed them Red Bull and Pixie Sticks, but I'm so not the supermom I thought I would be. I'm trying to learn to be okay with that. One way I do that is by not reading too many blogs or books by moms who ARE supermoms. You know the ones I mean - the ones who homeschool their six kids with special needs while running successful photography businesses and cooking healthy gourmet dinners.

But recently I had this rare moment of feeling like a supermom and it occurred to me that I might have one area of expertise. Also, I need more blog topics that don't involve Rick Santorum or griping about my suburb.

My kids are very good readers. Like, other people have remarked upon it in public kind of readers. Plus, you know, I used to teach children how to read. So yay! I have an area of parenting expertise.

The thing I want to point out is that my kids are not gifted readers - they did not start reading before kindergarten, they are not devouring Harry Potter in the first grade. They're good, but they're normal good. Here's how they got that way (I think):

1. They've been read to almost every night since birth. Once in a while we have to skip it, or I read one book instead of three, but that's rare.

2. We still read picture books. Chapter books have their place and all, but they're really not developmentally appropriate until first grade. And even then, picture books can still teach kids A LOT.

3. No flashcards. That "Teach Your Baby to Memorize" program, or whatever it's called, is crap. Flashcards are okay for teaching kindergartners and/or first graders sight words, but that's it.

4. Lots of rhyming and word play. I sing stupid songs and say ridiculous rhymes all the time ("put on your shoes or you'll have to snooze," e.g.). Phonological awareness - the ability to distinguish and manipulate the sounds within words - is a huge predictor of reading success. Plus, rhyming entertains me when I'm saying the directions for the tenth time.

5. Workbooks are for handwriting and math facts. Seriously, no workbook is going to make your kid a good reader. But it might make them hate reading.

She's very excited that Santa brought her a book. 

6. Reread. Yeah, I know it sucks to read the same book over and over. But it's the perfect time to start pointing at each word. It also helps with comprehension. Try different accents for the different characters to make it more interesting.

7. Go to story time at your local library. Seeing other kids and adults interested in reading makes them think it's cool. Plus, you don't have to read!

8. Your kid may not really like it when you read, especially if you have a very active toddler. S/he may not want to sit still and listen. Let them walk around while you read, or try to just get through one short book every night. If you keep doing it consistently, your kid will start to like it.

9. Have books everywhere. Buy them at garage sales or library sales or get them from friends with older kids, but get as many as you can. Leave some in the bathroom, in the car and in each kid's room.

10. Make books a reward and a celebration. Let kids "earn" extra stories for good behavior. Instead of giving them cash for chores and/or the Tooth Fairy, let them earn books from Scholastic.

Now that I've written all this, of course, Hugmonkey will probably turn out to be a terrible reader or something. I'm pretty sure his mission in life is to kill any parenting confidence I might have. But these steps should work for your kids. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments!

Some Thoughts On Parenting

"Never do anything for your kid that they can do themselves."

I've read that quote, in various forms, in lots of different parenting advice books. I was able to do it when the first 2 kids were small. With them being 15 months apart, Ironflower pretty much had to learn to do things for herself quickly. And of course Lovebug wanted in on the action. But with Hugmonkey, things have been different. Even if I couldn't do something for him, one of his siblings could. So I would get them to do it. It was so much faster and easier. 

It was when he was 3 and was still not even attempting to put on his own slip on shoes that I realized I'd screwed up. Lovebug and Ironflower put on their own shoes well before 3. It was hell getting Hugmonkey to put his own shoes on. But after 2 months of hell, he does it now. And his coat if I lay it out for him. He gets his own pajamas. He puts on his own underwear, his own pants. None of this is huge, exactly, but in the last few weeks? His behavior has gotten so much better. The more I teach him to do, the more praise he gets for accomplishments like getting his own yogurt tube out of the refrigerator, the better he behaves in general. Apparently self-esteem and behavior are very closely tied together. I think I used to know that. 

So then we come to Ironflower and Lovebug. So capable at 2 and 3, 3 and 4. So well-behaved. It's not that they're poorly behaved now. But maybe things could be better. And maybe I should stop laying out their clothes for them. It seems that while I was able to overcome control freak tendencies when they were small, I've sort of kept them at those same levels. I still put toothpaste on their toothbrushes so they won't make a mess. At 7 and almost 6, they don't know how to answer the phone. Sure, they dress themselves and I have taught them to shower on their own, but that's about all the progress we've made since they were 3. Whoops.

So I need suggestions. What else can a kindergartner and a first grader do independently? I know I should step back from the toothpaste and laying out their clothes for them, but what other tasks are reasonable? What chores should they have around the house? Right now, it's picking up their own toys - something else they've been doing since they were small. Though, oddly, they do not seem to have gotten any faster at it. Anyway, how can I encourage competence and thus (hopefully) better behavior? I keep threatening to make them clean the bathroom as a punishment, but I'm guessing that's a little too advanced.

Also, I should probably stop threatening them with things I'm not going to do. Pretty sure I remember that rule from my teaching days, not to mention the countless parenting books. Next thing you know, I'll be feeding them Red Bull and pixie sticks before I force them to participate in "beauty" pageants.

Just kidding. I would never feed my kids Red Bull. 

Coming Soon To A Playground Near Me

Mama Rock's Rules, the new book by Chris Rock's mom Rose (with Valerie Graham), is subtitled, "Ten Lessons for Raising a Household of Successful Children". In it, Rose Rock uses her experiences raising 10 children, 17 foster children and teaching countless others to bluntly tell you how to raise your children.

And that's not a bad thing, exactly. If you're feeling lost and/or confused in your role as a parent, this book has a lot of advice about what your role REALLY is (you are not your child's friend and that is a good thing) and how to succeed in it. One section is even entitled, "Pull Out That Can of Whup-Ass", so you know that this isn't some touchy feely book that makes you fearful of reprimanding your children, lest you damage their self-esteem.

Not that there's not plenty of advice on building your child's self-esteem, it's just her belief is that self-esteem comes from appropriate praise and strong boundaries. Mama Rock demands respect, gives respect (in both praise and consequences) and has high expectations. And it's hard to argue with someone whose children include a world-famous comedian, a minister and a small business owner. She obviously knows what she's talking about when it comes to raising children.

Some of the advice seemed obvious to me, such as the section on reading - of course you should start reading to them as soon as possible! Of course it's the key to everything! And I was a bit annoyed by the end of chapter summaries, because it's not like the chapters were all that long or complex. I also disagreed with her section suggesting making the oldest child (or the oldest child at home) responsible for everyone all the time - she mentioned a story about Chris getting in trouble because his younger brother had lost his mittens. I think that's unfair. But then again, Chris Rock seems to have recovered from all that responsibility quite well, hasn't he?

In general, I liked the book. I liked it so much I wish I could have given it to a mom at the park the other day. Her son (who was about 3) kicked my son every time he tried to climb the ladder. And she would say, "No, no, don't do that honey, " while I comforted my hysterical two year old. Ironflower and Lovebug have each physcially assaulted another child once. And each time, we left the park immediately. And now they don't do it anymore. I'm pretty sure Mama Rock would approve. Though she doesn't get into a lot of specifics, especially for small children.

Though the chapter on sex was pretty specific. I really liked the line, "Less talk means more action." She goes on to explain that, "Studies show that teen pregnancy, STDs and emotional problems are highest in the groups where sex was never discussed."  She then goes on to give helpful tips on how to talk to your kids about sex and how to make them visualize the consequences.



Give this book a try if you're feeling like your kids are getting out of control, or you'd like to hand it out to certain mothers at the playground. :)

This review brought to you by MotherTalk.