I Really Do Think It's Masochism. Well, Kinda.

Once upon a time, an EP was some kind of record (yeah, it's true, I don't know exactly what kind, but I bet I owned one when I was a kid). Now it stands for "exclusively pumping".  As in pumping breast milk, exclusively. Apparently there are women who believe devoutly in breast milk, but who don't want to breastfeed. And Time or Newsweek recently wrote an article about it (you can Google it if you don't believe me, because, frankly, the article wasn't so good as to make me actually want to link to it).

I am appalled.

Now, I've discussed breastfeeding before. I breastfed Ironflower for 10 months with an occasional bottle of formula and plenty of pumped milk, Lovebug for 15 months with an occasional bottle of pumped milk and ChunkyMonkey for 13 months with 20 bottles of formula. It was easy, cheap and good for the children, of course.

I went to back to teaching after having Ironflower and for 7 weeks after having Lovebug. So I am familiar with pumping. And I just wonder if these women are completely insane  or masochists or what. Because pumping has got to be one of the lousiest parts of new motherhood. Seriously.

You cram your boobs into these uncomfortable shells which suck on your nipples with the force and finesse of a drunk, horny 15 year old. And since you've got to manage to keep them in place your range of movement is extremely limited. Then you've also got to focus on thinking about your baby so that you can actually produce half the milk you produce when you actually nurse. I couldn't even watch TV while doing it. So boring. Oh, and then you've got to sterilize everything over and over and over. I have never, ever, ever, met a woman who didn't hate pumping.

Who in their right mind would choose to do that ALL THE TIME?

Sure, if your baby's (Goddess forbid) in the NICU. Or maybe you have massively deformed nipples. But why else?

One woman said it took less time. Right. Because what new mother wants LESS time to physically bond with her baby?

Another woman said it let her know how much milk her baby was getting. Clearly she missed breastfeeding 101, which lets you know that that fear is retarded and that it's fine that breastfed babies are skinnier. I also blame pediatricians for this. I have met so few who are truly supportive of breastfeeding.

The reporter noted (but didn't quote, I don't think) that some women are worried about breastfeeding in public. To them I say stop hanging out at Tea Party conventions and start therapy for your shame issues. Also, buy a cute wrap.

Look, I don't care if you breastfeed (though I think you should at least try it for a month) or bottle feed or combine the two, but if you exclusively pump? I am totally judging you. It's like you're choosing to torture yourself without any reward. Ugh.

A Cheeseburger and a Pint of Ben & Jerry's, Stat!

I like animals. I believe they should be treated humanely. But I also like leather purses. And cheeseburgers.

I've always had a middle of the road feeling about animal rights. I don't think it's necessary to poke baby bunnies in the eye to see if my mascara is safe, so I try to stick with beauty products that have been tested on people. I try to buy meat that comes from animals that were raised in a humane environment. I think hunters who don't use the animals they kill are assholes. But I also really love my black leather boots. And cheeseburgers. . .did I mention cheeseburgers? So while I'd never be a member of PETA, I always thought I understood where they were coming from. Until now.

PETA has suggested that Ben & Jerry start using HUMAN BREAST MILK instead of cow's milk and cream in their ice cream.  Even ignoring the obvious travesty of messing with Ben & Jerry's magical ice cream recipes, what the hell is PETA thinking?

Clearly, whatever genius PETA member who came up with this idea knows NOTHING about breastfeeding statistics. Or breastfeeding in general. Which is clear from this quote from their website:

Because, like all mammals, cows only give milk during or after pregnancy, in order for humans to constantly milk them, they are forcefully impregnated every nine months

So I must have imagined breastfeeding Lovebug for fifteen months without any other pregnancies? People - and cows, I presume - can breastfeed for YEARS. YEARS. But humans produce a lot less milk than cows, of course. And then we have the fact that not all human children are breastfed in this country - not even most are for more than a few months - but somehow there will be enough breast milk to supply Ben & Jerry's?

I mean, I'm a pro at breastfeeding. It's always been easy for me to supply plenty of milk. FOR ONE CHILD. And you know how cows have so much milk that you can actually milk them by hand? That doesn't really work for people. And electronic pumping isn't fun. It probably isn't for cows either, but what else are the cows going to be doing? Chewing grass in the field? A woman who pumps could be doing millions of other, more important things - hell, she could even be running for vice-president. Or working for PETA.

And really, do we need to save the cows that are used by Ben & Jerry's, one of the most socially conscious companies in the nation? Does anyone think those cows are being abused? Really? Does this mean that every single company in the world has stopped testing anything on animals and that all animals are being treated so well that all we have to worry about is whether cows like being milked?

I hope to God that this is merely a publicity stunt. Although all this stunt has done for me is make me want to buy a fur coat. And wear it while eating a cheeseburger.