Felony or Misdemeanor?

In almost 40 freaking years of being a snarky bitch, I had never seriously considered slashing anyone's tires before. Until today. At elementary school pick up.

I could give a long explanation about the layout of the parking lot and the driving lanes, but you'll just have to trust me. There are about 10 parking spots available, about 20 if you count spaces that a car can park in without blocking driving lanes. Now, in a school with no bus service (our town is very small, after all) and hardly any walkers, this is a problem. Half the kids exit at the front of the school, so I don't know what kind of clusterfuck that is, but in the back we've got 20 spots for approximately 100 students. Even if people pick up 3 kids each, we've still got a problem. And hardly anyone is picking up 3 kids at once. 

So, people park pretty much anywhere. Also? People pretty much all drive minivans and SUVs. I honestly do a double take when I see a sedan at pick up. So, you know, things get crowded. Add in the fact that a lot of people stand around and chat (which I do. . .when it's warm) and you have it staying crowded, too. Today things got so crowded that there was a traffic jam - basically I couldn't go forward because the cars in the lane were parked too close together. I couldn't back up because of all the people behind me. I was stuck until those bitches who get there half an hour early moved their big-ass cars. If you're going to show up early and park where you're really not supposed to, the least you could do is park right next to the curb, ya know?

And I wondered if they'd start parking more sensibly if their tires were slashed; if that would convey the right message of, "Hey! Cars have to go through here! Other people need to pick up their children as well! And some of them have to go places AFTER picking up their children!" But I'm afraid it might just convey that I have anger management issues. Also, tire slashing is probably more difficult than it looks on Lifetime movies about crazy women. I bet I couldn't do it quickly enough to not get caught. 

By the time I got to Ironflower's door, no one was in the classroom. I went inside to the office. She wasn't there. I went back to the classroom. No go. I was advised by one of her classmates that she'd gone "that way". I think I jogged around the school 3 times before she appeared in the office. Then we had to race to the YMCA for swimming and gymnastics and me actually getting my ass on the elliptical trainer. Though you know what I love best about the Y? They have lots of parking spaces. 

I really want to move somewhere that has school buses. Ones that will pick my kids up and drop them off, preferably less than a block from my house. What's school pick up like where you live? 

I Really Do Think It's Masochism. Well, Kinda.

Once upon a time, an EP was some kind of record (yeah, it's true, I don't know exactly what kind, but I bet I owned one when I was a kid). Now it stands for "exclusively pumping".  As in pumping breast milk, exclusively. Apparently there are women who believe devoutly in breast milk, but who don't want to breastfeed. And Time or Newsweek recently wrote an article about it (you can Google it if you don't believe me, because, frankly, the article wasn't so good as to make me actually want to link to it).

I am appalled.

Now, I've discussed breastfeeding before. I breastfed Ironflower for 10 months with an occasional bottle of formula and plenty of pumped milk, Lovebug for 15 months with an occasional bottle of pumped milk and ChunkyMonkey for 13 months with 20 bottles of formula. It was easy, cheap and good for the children, of course.

I went to back to teaching after having Ironflower and for 7 weeks after having Lovebug. So I am familiar with pumping. And I just wonder if these women are completely insane  or masochists or what. Because pumping has got to be one of the lousiest parts of new motherhood. Seriously.

You cram your boobs into these uncomfortable shells which suck on your nipples with the force and finesse of a drunk, horny 15 year old. And since you've got to manage to keep them in place your range of movement is extremely limited. Then you've also got to focus on thinking about your baby so that you can actually produce half the milk you produce when you actually nurse. I couldn't even watch TV while doing it. So boring. Oh, and then you've got to sterilize everything over and over and over. I have never, ever, ever, met a woman who didn't hate pumping.

Who in their right mind would choose to do that ALL THE TIME?

Sure, if your baby's (Goddess forbid) in the NICU. Or maybe you have massively deformed nipples. But why else?

One woman said it took less time. Right. Because what new mother wants LESS time to physically bond with her baby?

Another woman said it let her know how much milk her baby was getting. Clearly she missed breastfeeding 101, which lets you know that that fear is retarded and that it's fine that breastfed babies are skinnier. I also blame pediatricians for this. I have met so few who are truly supportive of breastfeeding.

The reporter noted (but didn't quote, I don't think) that some women are worried about breastfeeding in public. To them I say stop hanging out at Tea Party conventions and start therapy for your shame issues. Also, buy a cute wrap.

Look, I don't care if you breastfeed (though I think you should at least try it for a month) or bottle feed or combine the two, but if you exclusively pump? I am totally judging you. It's like you're choosing to torture yourself without any reward. Ugh.