My Day As A Reality TV Star

Yesterday I was a reality television star.

Okay, co-star.

Among the many jobs Hot Guy does, his favorite is acting. Over a year ago, he auditioned for something looking for actors with type 2 diabetes. The casting people loved him, but the corporation did not. Or something. He was called in again a while back. And then they asked if they could film not only him, but our family. At home. And could they interview me too?

We're not in a position to turn down money (especially money from a pharmaceutical company) so we agreed. And then called my parents and begged them to let us use their house, as it has more room on the first floor and is in much better shape. They agreed, bless them.

And then I didn't really think any more about it.

The day of, Ironflower and I had promised to volunteer at a 5K for pediatric cancer with her dance team. And Lovebug had a soccer game; lots of boys on the team were gone, so Lovebug pretty much had to be there. My focus was completely on getting everyone where they needed to be with the right equipment and making sure everyone had the right clothes for the shoot and whatnot.

It was not until we were back from the 5K and a make up/hair person was fixing me up that I even thought about the ensuing interview. And even then, I didn't realize that "interview" meant "let's get an emotional response from you on camera". If I had, I probably could have made up a fictional back story and given them one, just as I used to do in acting class in junior high. But to get actually emotional about our lives with a bunch of strangers staring at me, cameras pointed at me and my husband and mother eavesdropping?

Fuck no.

Suddenly I realized that all those reality TV people do have a skill; those confessionals are not just off the cuff rants. Every time, a producer is asking them a question designed to get an emotional response. Every time, they have to restate the question to make it SOUND like an off the cuff rant and then they have to spill their guts to a million people.

Hot Guy was awesome at it. Of course, he'd planned ahead and he is a really good actor. The kids didn't have to talk, they just had to act like themselves and ignore the cameras. Which they did unbelievably well. Whatever you want to say about the Duggar children or all those poor kids from Jon & Kate Plus 8, I really don't think the cameras traumatized them much.

But I'm going to hold us back from reality TV stardom. Well, me and the fact that no one has offered us a show. I do think I could get used to getting my hair done every day - my hair hasn't looked that good in years. And I was able to ignore the cameras while we played at the playground. But every time a producer put me into one of those confessional interview situations, I would freeze the way I did when yesterday's producer said, "But what's behind the smile?"

I so wanted to say, "Booze and pills." Or, "Behind my smile is a giant fist; if you want someone to cry around here, it ain't gonna be me."

But I played as nicely as I could for the paycheck. Which is when I REALLY felt like a reality TV star.

Pop Culture Thursday: Reality TV Is Bad For Me

I was about to write a post analyzing "Breaking the Faith", a trashtacular show I recorded on Sunday. It purports to follow a bunch of young women fleeing the FLDS and adjusting to life on the outside. Very few things fascinate me more than scary religious cults, and the FLDS is like the scariest, religiousiest, cult out there. Even with their pedophile "prophet", Warren Jeffs, in prison.

Anyhow, the show made me sad for these young girls and all the people caught up in the FLDS, though I was very confused about how and why the girls' alleged escape was caught on camera. So I thought I'd do a little research. 

That was three hours ago. 

I should get paid to research tangents on Google, I swear. 

I now have about 17 windows open, all relating to polygamous Mormon fundamentalists. 

Fundamentalists make me sad. 

Also? Breaking the Faith is all totally fake. Like, not fake in the way the Real Housewives are fake - I mean, I know scenes are staged and people try to get into fights on purpose, but at least the basic bios of the participants are true. Not so much with Breaking the Faith. Which isn't to say that the people (actors? victims of the religion cult?) on the show haven't been through a lot or that they don't have compelling stories to tell. . . .it's just the TLC isn't showing them.

If we're going to watch trash, it should at least be true trash. Like, remember the first couple of seasons of The Real World? That was some compelling reality right there. Completely the opposite of the so-called reality I find myself watching far too often. Sure, it gets the laundry folded, but I'm not witnessing anyone learning anything, let alone learning anything myself (which was my original excuse for trying Breaking the Faith).

Plus, I just spent 3 hours - during the Christmas season - researching a topic that is completely useless to me in my everyday life. But I did learn some fascinating stuff:

• The FLDS is very terrified of African-American people. I wonder how much crossover there is with racist organizations? 
• They think they are the chosen people and that God is plotting to destroy everyone else. God has chosen them to live in crappy houses and avoid socializing. And the internet. I'll go to hell, thanks. 
• Piss off the prophet, and a man will be kicked out - and his wives, children and property will be distributed to other men. And of course no one can complain about it, because having opinions prevents salvation. 
• Marriages can only be arranged by the prophet. Can we say power trip? Did Jesus or Joseph Smith ever try that? 
• But, the perk over regular Mormons is that those in the FLDS can have coffee and even alcohol. Probably makes dealing with the arranged marriages easier. 
• The women don't cut their hair so that they can wash Christ's feet with it during the Second Coming and their husband's feet in Heaven. Because apparently your hair goes with your soul when you die. 
• The FLDS is not the only sect that broke off from the traditional Mormon Church, nor is it the only one that mandates polygamy. Hopefully it's the only one with a pedophile for a prophet, though. 
• Sex, surprise, is only for procreation. Men aren't allowed to have sex with their pregnant wives or women who are infertile. Supposedly now Warren Jeffs says that married couples can't have sex either; women wishing to get pregnant have to pick from his 15 favorites. Like that's not a genetic disaster waiting to happen. 
• Jesus is going to wear red when he comes back. So FLDS people don't wear it. I wonder though, why they don't worry about other details like hair color or shoes. Is he going to wear sandals again? Should they avoid sandals too? 
• For some reason that no one has made clear, they can't have dairy products. Childhoods without ice cream or even frozen yogurt. . . .it's tragic even before you hear about the physical and sexual abuse, the ending of education at the fifth grade level and the horrible living conditions. 

How in the hell did I start posting about Fundamentalist Mormon religious beliefs? What is wrong with me? Is there a name for it? Or is Hot Guy right and I'm losing IQ points because I watched reality television? 

I Let My Kids Watch Too Much TV

This is what happens when you offer to record American Ninja Warrior for your children and you let them watch it whenever they want.

They beg you to go to the playground at the intermediate school. 

They practice balancing. 

Hugmonkey climbs up higher than I can reach. 

There are feats of upper body strength. 

He wouldn't even trying climbing this in the spring. 

He likes to go sideways. Because it takes longer. 

I had to rescue him right after this photo was taken. But considering he's not even 5, that's not so bad. 

"I've got to work on my momentum, Mom." 

"I'm swinging!" 

"I need to hold your hand to jump to the next one." 

I made Lovebug freeze in this position so I could get a picture, because otherwise he went too fast. 

The spiderweb was too much for Hugmonkey until his 100th viewing of American Ninja Warrior. 

Just hanging around. 

This is like straight from the show. I wonder who designed this playground, anyway? 

And I thought that bar was just for hanging. 

Hugmonkey likes to pretend to be a spider in the web. 

I'm just glad he decided not to balance on the top bar. That would have made me nervous. 

Going higher than ever before. 

Do they look like future ninja warriors to you? 

Much as I enjoy the show, I'm not sure what it has to do with ninjas. I feel like if it was really about who was the best ninja, there would also be some katana duels and martial arts. Or at least an assassination. 

Jackass and Jersey Shore Had a Baby

In my defense, I did not mean to watch MTV's new series, "Buckwild",  the other night. I was innocently flipping during a commercial break from a Kathy Griffin stand-up special.

Kathy Griffin should so be my best friend.

She would probably understand why I got sucked into "Buckwild".

Hot Guy won't. In fact, Hot Guy please stop reading now. Go here instead.

From what I gathered during the bits* I watched, the show seems to be Jersey Shore, but set in West Virginia. Rural - oh wait, the term used on the show is "country" - West Virginia. The people seem to be a much less tan and muscular, more close-knit version of the people on Jersey Shore. I think they may all actually be from West Virginia.

And in addition to getting drunk and hooking up and fighting, the Buckwild kids also do go mudding and swim in converted dump trucks and roll in huge tires and whatnot. Hence the "Jackass" aspect.

I know that people in West Virginia are all offended by the "fake" show and one of their senators wants MTV to cancel it, but if New Jerseyans can put up with Jersey Shore and our Real Housewives and that stupid NJ hair salon one I saw once I think West Virginia needs to suck it up.

Besides, the show actually improved my opinion of West Virginia.

I've actually been to West Virginia, you see. My aunt and uncle live just over the border in Maryland, so I've been to funky little tourist destinations in the greater Morgantown area. Those places aren't any different from any other rural places I've been. My other experience, however, includes a solo drive through the southern part of the state.

The part where this show is filmed.

I used to take a lot of road trips by myself, looking to spice up the trip between my parents' house in NJ and my then home in Kansas City. I was only ever nervous on three occasions. Two of those occasions were in West Virginia. (The other was in Mississippi. Go figure.)

It's not that I was ever overtly threatened, it was the that I knew if I did the wrong thing, I would be. People ranged from sullen to hostile every single place I stopped. It was weird.

The kids on Buckwild, however drunk and stupid they may be, seem fifty times friendlier than anyone I met in that area of the state. I have no plans to actually watch the show on a regular basis - it's undoubtedly too scripted to be any real fun - but it's definitely worth a commercial break flip.

If you're into that sort of thing. Or if you really miss Jackass and Jersey Shore.





*bit meaning anywhere from one to twenty minutes. Ahem. There was another on after Kathy's special was done, okay? 

Time To Get Off of the High Horse

Like most people, I loathe being stuck in traffic. But it doesn't generally make me angry, as I've realized the alternative to traffic: deserted areas called rural areas and inner cities filled with empty storefronts. Both of which make me nervous. The only time I get lose my "gee-this-sucks-I-guess-I'll-sing-along-with-the-radio" attitude is when the traffic is due to rubbernecking. Then I get pissed.

I remember my first impassioned rant against those who slow to a crawl in order to stare at an accident scene. It was on I-95 in Connecticut and the accident had been particularly horrible. I spent the two hours it took to go thirty miles going off on those who needed to invade the victims' privacy and dignity SO much that they were willing to ignore everyone else's need to get somewhere, just so they could stare. (My poor roommate - a four hour drive that turned into six and probably felt like eight hours to her.)

Then last night I shushed my baby because I couldn't hear the people on Toddlers and Tiaras. (for those of you who have lives - or standards - Toddlers and Tiaras is a show about little girls who participate in beauty pageants). I mean, I was also shushing him to calm him down because I'm such a devoted mother and all, but partly I wanted to listen to the delusional families on the show. And I realized that I am a total hypocrite.

Because what is reality TV but a chance to rubberneck while in the comfort of your own home?

Sure, some of the families/people seem pretty functional and normal (Jon and Kate Gosselin, I'm talking to you) but mostly you've got people who have some issues like dressing up their daughters like dolls or having 18 kids or wanting to go on the Rock of Love bus. And that's just on basic cable - HBO could have it's own freaky reality channel with Real Sex and Taxicab Confessions (not that I've ever recorded those shows. I've just heard. Really.)

So basically, I'm watching these shows to find out what horror will happen next. Just like all those a-holes on the highway, staring at accidents.

At least I'm not causing any traffic.

Even I Have Some Standards

Oh VH1, why have you done this to me?

At first, I was just slightly embarrassed to watch you. Back then, it was because your videos were skewed toward an older demographic and I was ashamed that I liked the "old" videos. (For those of you under 30, there was a time when MTV and VH1 played actual music videos. Weird, huh?)

Then came slightly more embarrassment as I spent more time on VH1, not watching great fare like Pop-Up Video (Why isn't it on anymore? Why?) but trash like Rock of Love. And Celebrity Rehab (I tried to convince Hot Guy that Celebrity Rehab has a redeeming social value. Too bad he pointed out that I hadn't even convinced myself. Oh well). And I have a crush on Confessions of a Teen Idol.

But I'm drawing the line. Right here. Right now.

I am NOT going to watch TOOL ACADEMY.

Let me just repeat that: TOOL ACADEMY. And Bret Michaels isn't even on it.

Essentially, nine douchebags (aka the Tools) are supposed to become nice guys. Their girlfriends are along for the ride, but they might dump the guys if they get expelled.

WTF?

I'm pretty sure that any guy who deserves to be nominated for Tool Academy also deserves to be dumped. Maybe they should call it "So-Desperate-For-A-Boyfriend-They'll-Put-Up-With-Anything Academy"? Or (and I really hope this is the case) "Couples-That-Want-To-Be-On-TV Academy"?

I watched a few minutes of it. I pray that this show is simply employing out of work Shakespearean actors to portray these Tools and their women (Toolettes?) and that these are not, in fact, actual human beings.

Should I Send It?

Dear Producers of Wife Swap,

While I am consistently entertained by your show, especially your ability to find people whose lifestyles are SO extreme, I think it's time to move on. There are only so many versions of "tight-assed, demanding mom vs. laid back, irresponsible mom" that you can do. And yet I would be sad to see your show go off the air.

So I have a suggestion for a new version. How about "Wife Vacation"? Send an overworked, overstressed mom on a vacation and film how her family copes without her. Sure, you won't have as much confrontation but I can guarantee a lot more laughs. And crying husbands. Ratings gold, I'm sure.

Or, it that's too much of a departure, could you at least switch some similar moms? Swap those uber-protective, anal and competitive moms with each other and see what happens? You could add in a competition to see who has the cleanest home or the most repressed kids! Or swap the the spoiled princess wives and have them compare how indulgent their husbands are.

Just change something, please. A reality show that's SO predictable is in danger of becoming as meaningless as the formerly awesome Real World.

Thanks,

Jerseygirl89

PS

You'll notice that I have publicly declared that I watch your show. As someone who TWICE got dumped for being "too intellectual" and who often insults reality TV, please appreciate how embarrassing this declaration has been for me. Take my advice seriously.

My Secret Shame

A lot of things are different this time around. I'm calm and confident (with the baby, anyway). "Rest" is a relative concept - what I'm doing now would have been considered "extremely active" when I had Ironflower. I no longer have to lift the baby up much to nurse. Ironflower (and Lovebug) show lots of interest in the baby this time. I have tons of stretchy yoga pants to wear - no stress about fitting into "normal" pants.

But I STILL find myself watching Bringing Home Baby. And I am ashamed.

First of all, it's a reality show. I always feel shame when I watch reality shows. But at least most of the other ones I watch have scandalous and/or interesting aspects that explain WHY I would watch them. There's no scandal on Bringing Home Baby. Hell, it's not even interesting. I'm not learning anything - I've brought three babies home from the hospital.

Secondly, it involves watching people I don't know get used to living without sleep while gushing about their newborns. Why should I care? I already know how to live without sleep. And I already know how fantastic my newborn (not to mention my older children) is.

Third, why the hell did these people invite a television show into their homes for this? Are they getting paid (I hope)? Because, second only to the last few weeks of my pregnancy, now is not the time I'd like to appear on television. Call me vain, but puffy and exhausted is not how I'd like to present myself to the world. On top of which, the newborn days are not so exciting that they need to be filmed for thirty-six hours straight. And I've yet to see one family that's actually interesting or funny or dramatic on the show (not that I blame them).

I can still blame hormones for my odd behavior, right?

Please tell me about the lame shows you watch or have watched in the throes of new parenthood.