The Hospital Is For Sale

Yesterday I took Hugmonkey to a birthday party. On the way to the party, we drove through a nearby town where there are a lot of mansions. Like, houses so big that they look kind of ridiculous. So much so that Hugmonkey said, "Mommy, that hospital is for sale!" as we passed one that was indeed for sale.

"Sweetie, that's a house for sale."

"Mommy, that's too big to be a house. That's a hospital," Hugmonkey is nothing if not sure of himself.

"No babe, it's a house."

"Mommy, you're silly!"

I gave up. It did kind of look like a mental hospital.



I think this is the house we saw. If not, it is for sale in the same town and looks like the one we saw, so you get Hugmonkey's point.

I also feel compelled to point out that we do not live in England, or wherever ancestral piles like this are still around. This house isn't even 20 years old and it's in New Jersey. It has no excuse.

Not that I begrudge anyone living in a house as big as Hot Guy's hometown hospital, exactly. I just don't get it. Every year I watch the HGTV Dream Home special (though I never win) and the "Dream" houses are never this big or wannabe looking. And they're supposed to be dreams.

Even when I win the Powerball, I just know I'll never buy a house like this. Would you?

Felony or Misdemeanor?

In almost 40 freaking years of being a snarky bitch, I had never seriously considered slashing anyone's tires before. Until today. At elementary school pick up.

I could give a long explanation about the layout of the parking lot and the driving lanes, but you'll just have to trust me. There are about 10 parking spots available, about 20 if you count spaces that a car can park in without blocking driving lanes. Now, in a school with no bus service (our town is very small, after all) and hardly any walkers, this is a problem. Half the kids exit at the front of the school, so I don't know what kind of clusterfuck that is, but in the back we've got 20 spots for approximately 100 students. Even if people pick up 3 kids each, we've still got a problem. And hardly anyone is picking up 3 kids at once. 

So, people park pretty much anywhere. Also? People pretty much all drive minivans and SUVs. I honestly do a double take when I see a sedan at pick up. So, you know, things get crowded. Add in the fact that a lot of people stand around and chat (which I do. . .when it's warm) and you have it staying crowded, too. Today things got so crowded that there was a traffic jam - basically I couldn't go forward because the cars in the lane were parked too close together. I couldn't back up because of all the people behind me. I was stuck until those bitches who get there half an hour early moved their big-ass cars. If you're going to show up early and park where you're really not supposed to, the least you could do is park right next to the curb, ya know?

And I wondered if they'd start parking more sensibly if their tires were slashed; if that would convey the right message of, "Hey! Cars have to go through here! Other people need to pick up their children as well! And some of them have to go places AFTER picking up their children!" But I'm afraid it might just convey that I have anger management issues. Also, tire slashing is probably more difficult than it looks on Lifetime movies about crazy women. I bet I couldn't do it quickly enough to not get caught. 

By the time I got to Ironflower's door, no one was in the classroom. I went inside to the office. She wasn't there. I went back to the classroom. No go. I was advised by one of her classmates that she'd gone "that way". I think I jogged around the school 3 times before she appeared in the office. Then we had to race to the YMCA for swimming and gymnastics and me actually getting my ass on the elliptical trainer. Though you know what I love best about the Y? They have lots of parking spaces. 

I really want to move somewhere that has school buses. Ones that will pick my kids up and drop them off, preferably less than a block from my house. What's school pick up like where you live?