Felony or Misdemeanor?

In almost 40 freaking years of being a snarky bitch, I had never seriously considered slashing anyone's tires before. Until today. At elementary school pick up.

I could give a long explanation about the layout of the parking lot and the driving lanes, but you'll just have to trust me. There are about 10 parking spots available, about 20 if you count spaces that a car can park in without blocking driving lanes. Now, in a school with no bus service (our town is very small, after all) and hardly any walkers, this is a problem. Half the kids exit at the front of the school, so I don't know what kind of clusterfuck that is, but in the back we've got 20 spots for approximately 100 students. Even if people pick up 3 kids each, we've still got a problem. And hardly anyone is picking up 3 kids at once. 

So, people park pretty much anywhere. Also? People pretty much all drive minivans and SUVs. I honestly do a double take when I see a sedan at pick up. So, you know, things get crowded. Add in the fact that a lot of people stand around and chat (which I do. . .when it's warm) and you have it staying crowded, too. Today things got so crowded that there was a traffic jam - basically I couldn't go forward because the cars in the lane were parked too close together. I couldn't back up because of all the people behind me. I was stuck until those bitches who get there half an hour early moved their big-ass cars. If you're going to show up early and park where you're really not supposed to, the least you could do is park right next to the curb, ya know?

And I wondered if they'd start parking more sensibly if their tires were slashed; if that would convey the right message of, "Hey! Cars have to go through here! Other people need to pick up their children as well! And some of them have to go places AFTER picking up their children!" But I'm afraid it might just convey that I have anger management issues. Also, tire slashing is probably more difficult than it looks on Lifetime movies about crazy women. I bet I couldn't do it quickly enough to not get caught. 

By the time I got to Ironflower's door, no one was in the classroom. I went inside to the office. She wasn't there. I went back to the classroom. No go. I was advised by one of her classmates that she'd gone "that way". I think I jogged around the school 3 times before she appeared in the office. Then we had to race to the YMCA for swimming and gymnastics and me actually getting my ass on the elliptical trainer. Though you know what I love best about the Y? They have lots of parking spaces. 

I really want to move somewhere that has school buses. Ones that will pick my kids up and drop them off, preferably less than a block from my house. What's school pick up like where you live? 

Parking Lot Asshole

Obviously I need to start avoiding parking lots.

I'm not plagued by high expectations for myself. I don't feel like I should be curing cancer or bringing about world peace or even writing a super-popular blog. My house, as we know, is messy. I am chubby and I do things like run errands (including school drop-offs) dressed in the clothes I wore at the gym. With no make-up on. I don't make my kids' Halloween costumes and my husband is the one who does crafts and cooks with them. And there's the screaming. Although I did review a bunch of stuff last night and read a good article in this month's Parenting and I will say that I have not even yelled today. So there's that.

But while I don't have high expectations for myself, I do try not to be an asshole.

I'm finding this more and more difficult as I have to deal with elementary school pick up. Everyone parks, but there are only about a tenth of the spots needed for parents to pick up their kids. So people put their cars wherever they feel they can squeeze them in, even if it makes it supremely difficult for other parents trying to pick up their kids.

Until today, I parked way down the lane and as out of the way as possible. Until today, I dragged my boys a city block each way to pick up their sister. Until today, I did not feel like an asshole at pick up.

But then Lovebug asked me if we could park closer. And I had an image of the impending downpour getting us as we walked the long distance back to the car. And there was a spot in front of me - well, not a spot, but a space behind 2 other cars that were parked near the school in what's supposed to be a drive only lane. There was a cone in the way, though.

So I got out and moved the cone. And parked.

Thanks to not having to walk forever, we were gone before the older kids' bell had even rung. While I made it more difficult for the other people driving down the lane, it's not like I blocked anyone completely. It's not like I was that woman yesterday at drop off who parked in the drop off/no stopping lane and had a 20 minute conversation with a friend. It's not like I ran over the cone.

Of course, the fact that I've even begun in asshole territory already kinda worries me. I mean, school's only been going on for a month. I wonder how corrupted I'll be by January?