Things To Do With A Thousand Dollars

An oldie from a trip to the Smithsonian. 

As someone who regularly watches Project Runway with her children, and someone who brought those same children to the bar area at Houlihan's a few weekends ago just so she could watch a Chiefs game, I probably shouldn't judge other parents about their family's recreational choices.

And yet.

Not that long ago, I got into a conversation with someone who also lives in our pricey area on a not very big budget. (For my local readers, this person does not live in town and we're not friends on Facebook, so you don't know her. Promise.) I was lamenting that we don't get to do half as much as I'd like, family-activity-wise, because of the sheer cost of museum memberships, getting into the city and whatnot.

I mean, should our budget ever get bigger, it will probably all go toward seeing more Broadway shows, going to more museums, spending more time at the Bronx Zoo and visiting Books of Wonder on a regular basis. This may be why our budget never seems to get bigger.

Anyway. The person I was talking to, after mentioning how they'd probably spent over $1000 at Six Flags over the summer (!!), had never taken her kids to the city for anything other than a few dinners. So I said, "Oh? Do you prefer to stay in Jersey and go to Liberty Science Center and stuff out here?"

The truth is, while very few places can beat New York City for historical, cultural and artistic attractions, we do have some cool stuff right here in Jersey. Just as I was chiding myself for being all snotty about my home state, though, my conversation partner confessed that she'd never felt like she could afford anything out here either.

Which I would totally get, except that she'd just confessed to dropping over $1000 on three trips to Six Flags over the summer.

And I also get that not every family's idea of a fun time is traipsing through a natural history museum - my kids will probably not see an opera until they can pay for their own tickets, for example - there is a magazine entirely devoted to things to do in New York City, for God's sake.

They could have skipped just one of their Six Flags trips and gone to the Bronx Zoo AND Liberty Science Center, you know. Like, if you only want to visit Six Flags for your recreation, why live so close to NYC and pay our exorbitant tax rate and deal with the damn crowds all the time? Of course, I think you can find great museums and sites in most parts of the country, but somehow it seems worse willfully ignoring all the things to do here.

I know I'm being horrible and judge-y, but I can't help it.

Virtual Slap Monday: Unicorns Probably Have Lotus Births Too

"That's how animals do it" has got to be the worst excuse ever for anything. I mean, some animals eat their own shit. Some animals eat their own young. Are we sure this is where we should be looking for inspiration?

According to one woman on XOJane, that answer is yes. Her belief in how chimpanzees do things, and how our bodies "just know" things, led her to have an unassisted lotus birth.

As someone who would have died at birth without medical intervention, I'm a little wary about home births as it is. However, I do believe there are good midwives out there who assist in home births and women whose bodies do handle birth well. And I totally get not wanting your child's birth to be dictated by a doctor's golf schedule or the nursing shifts at the hospital or the availability of birthing suites. So I'm not opposed to all home births, but I think you've got to have a screw loose if you refuse to have anyone there to help you. As this woman did.

What if something had gone wrong? What if she had fainted and hit her head on the tub? She and her baby were really lucky. But she went one better than "just" an unassisted birth, she did the whole lotus birth thing - which entails not cutting the cord or getting rid of the placenta for days. Because animals don't cut the cord. She mentions that many animals chew through the cord, but she didn't want to do that . . . .because she's a vegan.

So what animals do is to be emulated. . .except that they generally DO eat meat, so she's just gonna ignore that.

Her solution is to just leave the cord on for days. Days. As in, her newborn was the one who severed the cord six days later. She mentions in the article that stem cells and good stuff continues pumping through the cord for up to 5 minutes after birth; this is actually true. I'm sorry I didn't make my doctors wait longer to cut the cord. But there's a big fucking difference between 5 minutes and 6 days - 8635 minutes, to be precise. I mean, it's her body and all that. . . except that keeping the placenta around for that long can cause problems for the baby (including infections). And, you know, for someone obsessed with keeping things peaceful and stress-free, why would you want an extra smelly thing being dragged around with your baby?

What if your baby is sensitive to "musky" (as she calls it in the article, though reliable sources tell me it's much worse than that) smells? What if your newborn is super fidgety and gets tangled? I'm sorry, but peaceful is not having to worry about an extra thing when you've just given birth and are adjusting to parenthood.

After being horrified by the article, I made the mistake of Googling "Lotus Births".

Don't do it.

I discovered that in some cases, they actually burn the cord off in a sacred ceremony.

Courtesy of UnfoldingLotus.com. 

Nothing like an open flame next to your newborn to honor nature and animals and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? 

Honestly, I think if the average animal knew that she could give birth and not have to feel the pain, I think she'd ask for the painkillers. 

And there aren't rituals in nature. Rituals are actually one of the things that separated early humans from animals, goddammit. 

I don't care so much that people are choosing to do this, but that they're reasoning is so fucking awful and illogical. I'd feel better if one of them said, "This is how we think unicorns give birth, so we're going to do it too because we want our child's life to be filled with magic." 

Virtual Slap Monday: Curriculum Chat

For the first time ever, I went to one of our school's grade level curriculum chats. Since I've never taught third grade, I figured I should go this year. Plus, I now trust Hugmonkey to be totally quiet - as long as I give him his Kindle.

We were late, mainly because the new check-in procedures are pretty damn strict (you have to show your driver's license and you get a badge with your picture on it that only works for that event on that particular day) and only one woman was checking everyone in. I am not sure how I feel about the whole thing - on the one hand, it's nice to know that it's a lot harder to sneak into the building now. On the other hand, the nice lady with a computer monitor is probably not going to be able to stop a crazy person. Excuse me while I quell my anxiety about such things and the world in general. Back in a moment. 

It took me about two minutes to realize I'd made a grievous mistake. Not about Hugmonkey, though. He was an angel.

No, it was the topic of the chat - how to get your kids to do their homework independently. Which is fine, I know most of the parents aren't sitting around writing blog posts with a similar theme. Or the exact same advice. But could we not have called it a "curriculum chat" then?

Also, how come no one told me that the principal has parents sign in - with the kid's name and teacher - at these events? Do you think she keeps a list of most dedicated parents or something? No wonder she's not friendlier with me at drop off.

I think what was most frustrating, though, was that I have questions about the actual curriculum - and I know a number of other parents who have concerns as well. At the end, the principal told us what the kids were doing academically at that particular moment. As if third graders weren't able to report on what they're doing in class, or as if the parents who show up at "curriculum chats" don't look at our kids' work on a regular basis.

Look, my kids go to a great school. Especially when compared with many public schools in our country. But the science curriculum - which the teachers are REQUIRED to use, and which students are tested according to - still lists Pluto as a planet. Ironflower got a question wrong on a math test not because she got the wrong answer (it was right) or that she didn't show her work (she did), but because she didn't use the methodology that the curriculum wanted her to use. I'm all for teaching kids different ways to solve problems, but then you discuss them as a class and let the kids choose the methodologies that make the most sense to them. You don't penalize a kid for choosing a different method, or mark answer wrong because a kid could do the math in his head and didn't have to estimate (as happened with one of Ironflower's classmates).

Of course, this may be why the principal doesn't have actual curriculum chats. I have no idea how much leeway she has over the curriculum versus how much control the school board has, but I think I want to find out.

The truth is, I don't want to home school so much as design the curriculum that my children learn from. Except in music. The music curriculum rocks. I'm fine with art and technology and PE as well, come to think of it. But I can't decide if my concerns about the curriculum come from being a control freak ex-teacher or if I should be genuinely concerned. I mean, it's not going to kill Ironflower to get a few answers wrong. Right?

Virtual Slap Monday: Douchebags

You know you're a douchebag who deserves a slap when:

• You can only understand the importance of things if they directly affect you. For example, you think the government shutdown is no big deal because you aren't employed by the Federal government. Toddlers are also rather famous for this kind of mentality. 
• You think wearing the right clothing is much more important than doing the right thing. 
• You still buy Chris Brown albums. 
• You are an Oakland Raiders fan. 
• You write open letters to other celebrities. 
• You think forming your own militia/emergency supply system/training force is a better idea than supporting the government you have, but you don't have the ovaries to move somewhere without a strong central government (Somalia?) to see if your militia will really work. 
• You keep casting Dane Cook in movies.
• You do not cast Louis C.K. in movies. 
• You are the CEO of Barilla pasta. 
• You have uttered the phrase, "She was asking for it." 
• You wear Uggs and Daisy Dukes. 
• You think God cares about your football team. 
• You are offended when people swear, but not when they use racial slurs. 
• You aspire to be on Jersey Shore 2: Gym, Tan, Beach Clean Up. 
• You don't think Tina Fey is funny. 
• You speed on cul-de-sacs. 

What traits did I miss? 

Virtual Slap Monday: #wow

Recently, I got into a little debate on Twitter. Well, actually, what happened is that I retweeted a pro gun control comment and then tried to explain my position to a bunch of anti-gun-control people.

After about 24 hours, I gave up. I tried to link to an article to explain the nuances of the NJ law, I tried to point out that the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence are not the same thing, I tried. But it just became insult after insult, with no actual debate. Plus, I go on Twitter for fun, not to argue with people who use the word "libtard".

So I finally learned how to use Twitter's "block" button.

I sort of forgot about it, until I needed my Klout score for something. The people I debated with are STILL mentioning me on Twitter, according to Klout. Of course, my Klout score has also gone up like ten points. . .maybe I should get into another debate with some others vehemently opposed to my beliefs?

Of course, it's not like they're debating anything, in all these mentions. They are just making fun of me, which feels sort of surreal. I've definitely let go of them understanding my point about the law Gov. Christie didn't sign, or of them having any respect for my intelligence whatsoever. But I can't let go of the feeling that they've just bullied me into silence.

Hot Guy might interject something here about my preference for the last word and my deep desire to be right, but I swear that's not it.

Or not all of it. It just seems so weird that it's still going on, even though I haven't participated for 3 weeks. There's a new guy - one who was not even involved in the original debate - who's throwing my name around, in between his nasty tweets about Cory Booker and President Obama. . . .wait a minute, a guy who spends his days making fun of the president I voted for and the soon-to-be-senator I will vote for is making of me?

Suddenly I feel less bullied and more flattered. Though still confused about their point. . .do they think that by making fun of me, they'll convince me that they're right? Or do they just feel compelled to insult because they know they'll never change my mind?

The more I think about it, the less I care about why they're doing it. I mean, I'm very . . .er. .  .political on social media. I'm very passionate about certain issues (though, oddly enough, gun control is not in my top 3), but I can't imagine searching opposition hashtags on twitter, briefly debating someone on the issue and then still insulting that person 3 weeks later. How unhappy and embittered do you have to be to have the time and energy for that?

So here's a virtual slap for all the trolls out there, whatever their political beliefs.

Virtual Slap Monday: Some Advice

My parents had a garage sale over the weekend. I helped (mostly by trying to unload some of our crap and making signs) and while I was helping, I had a few thoughts. Suggestions, if you will.

How To Be A Good Garage Sale Patron:

1. If all the signs say "yard" and "garage", you don't need to ask if there's more stuff for sale in the house. 
2. Go to the bathroom before you show up, not once you're standing in the yard. 
3. Loving the house from afar doesn't mean you deserve a tour of it during the garage sale. 
4. In fact, please don't ask to come into the house for any reason. 
5. Show up, at most, 15 minutes before the sale officially starts. Not 2 hours beforehand. 
6. If you drive up in a Mercedes and carry a Coach purse, don't balk at paying 50 cents for a book. 
7. The more rude you are, the more likely garage sellers are to donate the item you're interested in. 
8. Don't purposefully put things back in the wrong place after your super low ball offer didn't work.
9. You don't have to chat, but you can say, "hello."
10. Not only do you not have to chat, you should definitely not chat about your colostomy bag. 
11. Bring cash. 
12. Do not switch the tags around on items. Not only is it shitty and dishonest, it makes you look like an idiot. Who do you think did the pricing? Do you really think the sellers can't remember what they priced at $1 versus what they priced at $20? 
13. Tell your friends, especially if they collect something being sold. 
14. Bring a bag. It's easy to run out when you're not part of a corporate entity. 

Virtual Slap Monday: Recycling

I don't know what I think about Syria. I don't know what we should do; the only person I'm sure is a villain is Assad. But this is not a post about Syria. I'm not qualified to write one. As you all may have noticed, if I have a political opinion, I'm not exactly shy about sharing it. But I like to think of myself as open-minded, or at least tolerant. It's fine with me if you dislike the President or you don't believe in social welfare programs; as long as you don't hate the President because you think he was born in Kenya or is a fascist, and as long as you understand "social welfare" includes your disability payments, we're cool. 

It really, really, bothers me when people base their decisions on faulty data or gut feelings that go in the face of in science, (Hi, anti-vaccinationist Jenny McCarthy!). Or, you know, when they are totally crazy. 

Recently, one of the tiny local papers wrote a story about a woman who lives in the next town over from me. The title of the story was, "Plan denounced as part of international conspiracy" (Apparently titles don't have capitals anymore?). A local "Tea Party activist" is convinced that the town's recycling plan (and the whole environmental movement) is actually part of a secret U.N. conspiracy to lower the standard of living for Americans. She claimed to have gotten this info from a report by the Republican National Committee.

I was about to make fun of her for this - and to suggest she got it from a crazy Tea Party website, but then I decided to Google it. And found out that she really did get it from a Republican National Committee resolution. That passed. 

You see, in 1992, there was an earth summit in Brazil. The UN shared something called Agenda 21. It was a basic framework for lowering poverty rates, increasing sustainability and decreasing waste. It was signed by both Bushes, as well as Clinton. 

That's right, not one but TWO Republican presidents signed it. 

But people like this lady, whom I hope I never run into at the grocery store while I'm buying organic apples, are convinced that this Agenda is actually code for a one-world government that will take away the rights of property owners. They consider anything that helps the environment, like recycling and reusable grocery bags, to be traitorous activity. One activist (a Victoria Baer, if you're interested) called decorated war hero/POW survivor John McCain a TRAITOR for supporting ethanol. That's the kind of crazy that is evidently living in the town next door and showing up at their council meetings. 

Nevermind what scientists say is happening to the world because of our energy use and massive waste. Nevermind what political analysts and economists have to say about the importance of poverty relief in developing countries. Nevermind the fact that the Agenda, signed by a Republican uncontroversially 21 years ago, is non-fucking-binding anyway. It's like they don't even care about reality, so determined are they to find conspiracies everywhere. 

Like in a town council discussion of recycling. 

I can't decide how I feel about the paper reporting the situation. Part of me doesn't want them to get any press at all, but the other part of me is hoping that this will inspire people to delve a little more closely into what's happening to the Republican Party. 

I also kind of hope that this woman's anti-recycling stance turns her into a can hoarder and the town council gets to evict her. 

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