The Preschool Valentine's Day Performance: A Critique

While I am related to one of the performers in this piece, I promise you, my review is completely unbiased. This critic would never let her feelings for her child and his classmates color her perception in any way.

Prior to the performance, this critic talked to one of the artists. Here is what he had to say:

"This is going to be the best show ever, Mom! You are going to love it!"

Pretty heady words coming from someone who had never performed in front of an audience before.* Could the show live up to the hype? In the words of one sibling person who got to see the dress rehearsal, "They are really cute."

 After a brief introduction, the show got underway only a few minutes late. The venue was packed, with a number of latecomers needing to stand in the back. But despite its small size, the classroom theater was well-appointed, with plenty of festive decorations.

Excitement was in the air as the performers filed in to the tune of, "Yankee Doodle Dandy." Their voices were the perfect level for the small venue, though there was some faltering as they assembled themselves on the risers. Still, it was an enthusiastic and bold opening. One doesn't normally associate "Yankee Doodle Dandy" with Valentine's Day.

Our photographer would like to apologize for the blurriness. And the fact that this is the only performer who would sign a release. 

Next up was The Pledge of Allegiance. The performers nailed their lines in this segment. Too bad not all of them managed to use their right hands to cover their hearts. But this critic has seen plenty of adults at sporting events have the same problem during the national anthem, but with less grasp of the words. 

The song about Groundhog Day was followed by a delightful scene where one performer interviewed all the other performers about their feelings on six more weeks of winter. Answers varied, as did enthusiasm levels. But no one ran off the stage crying or refused to answer. In fact, all the performers were engaged throughout the entire show. Having seen many of them participate in soccer games last fall, I can assure you that this was an amazing feat. The producers and the directors of the show are to be commended. 

The part that touched this critic especially was during the song about love, during which each child brought a specially made Valentine to his or her mother. It was beautiful to see the mixture of pride and love on all the faces in the room, which I suspect is what the show creators were aiming for. 

Another highlight was the song, "Forever Friends". Not only was it the most upbeat, it featured the performers using inflatable guitars. Hand gestures can be cute choreography, but nothing beats a bunch of kids with guitars almost as big as they are. 

The Preschool Valentine's Day Performance was not the best show ever if you compare it to Wicked or a Bruce Springsteen concert. But compared to other preschool performances, it just might be. Unfortunately, it was in limited run so you can no longer get tickets. Hopefully they'll bring it back as a revival for their kindergarten concert. And the performer was completely right about one thing: I totally loved it. 

*The performed had participated in a couple of programs at his old preschool, but he just stood still during them, like a deer caught in headlights.

Teaching Tuesday: Back Off

Since the evil stomach virus came to our house, I have spent more time lying around watching TV than I have in ages - probably since I got my tonsils out the summer before last. But since I was not tripping on painkillers this time, I actually remember some of what I saw during my Law and Order marathons. One commercial that I saw over and over was for ABC Mouse.

Now, I have no idea whether this is a good program or not. I do know it claims to be a "complete curriculum" for preschool through kindergarten. I can't approve of any preschooler or kindergartner doing all of their learning online, for one thing. For another, if your kid is already attending a decent preschool or kindergarten, you don't need a "complete curriculum" for them to do on the computer. I promise. And if you're homeschooling them? Don't rely on some computer program to do your job.

We are pushing our kids too hard, too young. One of the arguments the commercial makes is about how this little girl in pre-kindergarten doesn't like to do worksheets or flashcards and feels like she can't learn. To which I say,

Duh. 

Preschoolers are supposed to be playing, and listening to stories, and learning how to share. They're not supposed to be doing worksheets. Or flashcards. In fact, they shouldn't be trying to memorize anything at all. Should you point out letters and numbers and words, just like you used to point out colors when they were toddlers? Absolutely. Can they do the occasional worksheet that involves matching shapes or tracing or some other skill they've mastered, just so they can prepare for independent work in kindergarten? Sure. But we need to stop trying to force them to read, or subtract, or survive school days structured like they're in first grade. (Read this position statement if you won't take my word for it. Or this one.)

ABC Mouse could be a perfectly educational, fun way for your 5 year old to spend an hour, I don't know  - and I'm not paying to find out. If your 5 year old isn't memorizing sight words or math facts, the problem isn't with your child. It's with you, or the school your kid is going to. Yes, some 5 year olds can read chapter books or do multiplication. Some 5 year olds can also do 3 back flips in a row, or ski or play Mozart on the piano. Which is fabulous - and appropriate - for them. Doesn't mean it's appropriate for your kid. If you push your kid into doing something that isn't developmentally appropriate for him/her, all you're going to get is a kid who feels stupid and/or hates academic activities. Is that really how you want your kid to feel before s/he even hits first grade? 

Talk to your kid. Use big words. Read to your kid. Explain the big words. Try Bedtime Math together. Point out letters and numbers just like you did with colors and shapes. Give your kid lots of time for open-ended play that doesn't involve a computer. Rhyme. Sing. Cook together. 

I guarantee that the kindergarten and first grade teachers your kid will have will thank you for it. And if they're any good? They'll have your kid reading and doing math at or above grade level before the end of the year. 

Teaching Tuesday: Prepare Your Preschooler For Kindergarten

I know it's January, which means that most of your kids won't be starting kindergarten for 7 or 8 months. Shout out to my 4 Australian readers, whose kids start school next month, I think. The earlier you start prepping though, the better. (Sorry, Australians.)

If you've had your kid in a good preschool or daycare, you shouldn't have to do a lot. But my definition of good is not necessarily everyone's definition, nor is it usually applicable to the most prestigious one. Good preschools should be a lot more about socializing and self-care than about learning to read and homework. (Oh yeah, there are preschools that give homework. It is horrifying.)

Life Skills Your Kiddo Needs Before Kindergarten

• Bathroom skills. The kindergarten teacher is not coming into the bathroom, nor is s/he going to do any wiping or clothes adjustment. Painful and potentially messy as it may be, you've got to get your kid totally bathroom-independent before kindergarten.
• Clothing skills. Does your preschooler wait for you to take his jacket off for him? Does she never carry her own backpack? Start fixing that as soon as possible. Before kindergarten, you want your kid to be able to put on and remove her own coat, as well as carry a backpack. Taking shoes on and off is good too. 
• Speaking skills. Chances are, your kid's kindergarten teacher is not going to be able to anticipate the needs of 20 different kids 100% of the time. So it's important for your kid to know how to ask for help politely. Role playing at home is one option, but it's probably more effective to have your kid practice talking to adults that aren't you. Have her ask the librarian for a particular book, or the waiter for more water, or a friend's parent for a snack. 
• Self-Control skills. Knowing how to wait her turn and how to handle frustrations without punching anyone will go a long, long way toward kindergarten success. If these are a real struggle for your kid, set up a reward system to improve that skill immediately. The kindergarten teacher will love you for it. 

I know that thanks to the Common Core, standardized testing and our high pressure culture, kindergarten has gotten rather academically intense. But trust me, your child will learn a lot better if he's not filled with anxiety about how to wipe himself or she's able to keep her hands to herself. However, if that's not enough for you - or your kid already has these skills (bless you, from teachers everywhere) - here are some academic suggestions as well:

• Be comfortable listening to and talking about stories. 
• Be able to write her name. It doesn't have to be great, but the teacher should be able to recognize it. I wouldn't push too much harder on the handwriting unless you use the exact same program and methodology as the kindergarten teacher will use. It's harder if a kid has to unlearn handwriting habits he got in preschool than if he just learns the teacher's way in the first place.
• Recognize all the colors.
• Be able to count to at least 10 and count objects to 5. 
• Recognize the shapes. 
• Be able to rhyme.
• Be able to recognize the beginning sounds in words. 
• Be able to recognize an AB pattern. 

Teaching Tuesday: So Your Kid's Starting School

When your kid starts school, it's perfectly normal to freak out about it. Especially if your child is going from the cozy, small and familiar preschool or day care to the huge elementary school, for example.

I once had a first grader who'd never been to school before (I think - and this may have changed, but back in the day, Kansas did not require kids to go to kindergarten). And her mom was worried. The worry just oozed out of her. The little girl had never been to any kind of school or day care before, plus she started the school year late. Her parents were freaked out. She spent the entire first day trying to escape from my classroom. Which might not have been so bad, except that at the time I was teaching in an open concept building - I only had walls on 3 sides of my classroom. AND the stairs were right by my open wall. I actually caught the girl by her ankle a few times, as she sprinted up the stairs to the office where her parents were lingering.

The next day her parents put her on the bus with her cousin and she didn't try to escape once. In fact, she turned out to be a really funny kid and I was thrilled that she'd joined our class.

I'm not suggesting that you send your kid to school with a cousin on the first day, exactly. But I am saying, the more worried you are, the more worried your kid will be. You want to cry about your baby going to kindergarten? Do it in the car after you've said good-bye, not while you're dropping him off. You're worried that your kid will have a terrible time? Hide it.

Above are a few first day of school pictures from the past couple of years. You'll notice that no one is crying. Though Hugmonkey's final look is a bit pathetic, it was because he noticed me tearing up after I thought he was safely entering the classroom. I screwed up, people. He sensed my whole, "My youngest is in preschool daily now, oh my gosh, he's growing up," ambivalence and he started to freak out. Fortunately, I am an accomplished liar and convinced him it was allergies. He went in happily after that.

Look, if you're sending your kid to preschool or kindergarten or even first grade, I promise you the teacher is used to handling new school angst. And unless you're stuck sending your kid somewhere dreadful, the teacher will probably be better at handling crying kids than you are.

But if you'd like to maximize your kid's chances of having a good day, there are a few things you can do:

• Visit the classroom beforehand. Call the school and find out a good time to visit the classroom and meet the teacher before school starts. 
• Find other kids going into the same class and try to arrange a park play date or something. 
• Reinforce independent skills - for preschoolers, make sure your kiddo knows how to ask for help and how to ask to go to the bathroom. For kindergarten, make sure your kid can put on his coat and backpack, manage her clothes in the restroom and manipulate his lunch/snack foods and drinks.
• Read some books - Wemberley Worried by Kevin Henkes is my favorite, but there's the Miss Bindergarten series, The Night Before First Grade, David Goes to School by David Shannon and Timothy Goes to School are all good for nervous little ones. 
• Turn the first day into a holiday - have a special breakfast, pick out a new outfit together, give a little present (like a new book) or otherwise make it a celebratory occasion. 

What suggestions do you have? And what ideas do you have for starting middle school? Ironflower will be starting at a 4 - 8 school next year and I am rather terrified.

Feeling Like An Amateur

Everything I was smug about while parenting my older two has been blown out of the water by Hugmonkey. Not that I was smug about a lot of things, but my few sources of pride have been completely decimated by the youngest.

Like potty training.

Ironflower and Lovebug were trained very organically. They wanted to sit on the potty, they wanted to wear underwear and they at least wanted their dirty diapers changed quickly by the time they were 2. They were both accident free at 3. I never spent days rushing them to the bathroom every 20 minutes or begging them to try or bribing them with candy.  Hugmonkey will be 3 in November and this morning was the first time I got him to sit on the potty without crying. Despite his love of accompanying family members to the bathroom, the kid has not actually wanted to try anything himself. He also hasn't cared about how dirty his diapers are. His interest in underwear is negligible.

I haven't forced it, assuming he'd come around sometime before kindergarten. But then we had all the preschool drama. We found a good, affordable preschool with space for him yesterday. He just has to be potty trained before he starts. In 11 days.

Obviously my organic potty training has been thrown out the window. I have 11 DAYS to potty train a strong-willed, passionate, articulate almost 3 year old with only the vaguest interest in mastering this skill. This morning we've been diaper free and sat on the potty twice.

This is our seat. Who wouldn't want to pee on it?

He has also peed on the floor twice. Not that he told me that he peed on the floor. Of course not. He asked me for a paper towel. "I gotta cwean, Mama" was his explanation. At least he nodded when I asked him if had to clean his pee.

So, I'm looking for tips. Tips on how to get a reluctant but oh-so-smart almost 3 year old potty trained in the next 11 days. Anyone?

Preschool Drama Part 487

Remember how last time I was all, "eating my words"?  Apparently I'm going to have to snort them next time, because they seem to have come back up.*

I was at the park, of course, and heard this mom talking about why she was transferring her kids to another preschool. We'd nodded at each other earlier, because we recognized each other from somewhere. From blatantly eavesdropping on her conversation I realized I knew her from the kids' preschool. And that she too was devastated about the firing of the awesome teacher. So devastated that her kids were going to a different school. So I blundered my way into the conversation she was having with another mom.**

She was under the impression that the awesome teacher had been fired to save money, as she had the highest salary. But of course, that was not confirmed. Which was her biggest gripe - how come no one, not even the awesome teacher, knew exactly why she'd been fired? I felt myself get mad all over again. Then the other mom began describing the new preschool. It sounded wonderful. The poor woman she'd originally been talking to chimed in with how much she loved that preschool.

When I got home, I looked it up online. Not only did it seem to have a similar philosophy and a better physical space, it was affordable too. I phoned and left a message. Now I'm just waiting for the director to call back so that Hugmonkey and I can visit. If he seems excited to go there, then we're switching. If not, I'll be having a nervous breakdown.


*Sorry about the imagery there. I have been extremely punchy ever since Hurricane Irene scared me witless.

**Totally obnoxious, I know. But it seemed better than taking notes while continuing to eavesdrop.

Eating My Words: Preschool Drama Part II

Well, damn.

I finally got the email purporting to explain why the amazing teacher got fired. Except, of course, it didn't explain anything. The email claimed that the amazing teacher DID know why she'd been fired and that they weren't saying more to protect her privacy.

I did not like that email.

Even though I was relieved that it didn't say something like, "The amazing teacher is awesome, but we fired her because she forgot to teach a few Bible lessons last year" or "The amazing teacher is a fine person, but she broke her contract by getting drunk at the Blue Moon restaurant a few weeks ago." It still didn't answer my questions.

So I sent Facebook messages and emails and smoke signals out to see if anyone knew anything else.

Most people responded that they trusted the school and the director to do what's best, but that they didn't understand what happened either. Then a few stories trickled in. Not abuse stories or anything horrible, but a few things that might be considered unprofessional, shall we say. And as I read those stories, I remembered a story I'd heard a few years back. The other mom hadn't named the teacher, but I'd always assumed that it was a teacher who'd already left the school. What if the story had been about the amazing teacher?

I don't know anything for certain, of course. But what I suspect is that there were several instances of this borderline behavior, which the amazing teacher didn't see as a big deal and the school director did. And so when the director fired her, the amazing teacher didn't feel it was justified. And the director felt like she had no choice. Then they didn't tell the parents right away and all the drama started.

And it sucks.

But does it suck enough for me to remove Hugmonkey from the school? The one he knows and loves? The one we can afford? Especially since I can't observe other schools right now, it being summer and all. I can't believe I'm saying this, but. . .I don't think so. I'm not going to discuss specifics here, but once when I was teaching I did something that was similar to the stories I head about the amazing teacher. But after my principal talked to me about it, and after I reflected on it, I never did it again. If my theories are true, it did happen again for the amazing teacher. Possible several times. So I get the director's reasoning. It absolutely could have been handled better from the get-go, but I think it would hurt Hugmonkey more in the long run to be dragged somewhere else than to stay at the school.

Even if I did trash the paper work in an initial fit of frustration over this whole episode.

Preschool: Where the Drama Never Ends

Remember when I talked about the AMAZING preschool teacher I wanted Hugmonkey to have? Then I consoled myself that he could have her the next year? 

She's been fired. 

The woman who teared up when Ironflower and then Lovebug moved on to the 4 year old classroom, who drove through a snow storm on a snow day to deliver the kids' Xmas gifts, the woman who has teenage students come back to visit her, has been fired. 

She sent an email to parents yesterday. In it, she said she was still unclear about why she had been fired and that she'd never gotten a negative review from the school director and how she would miss us all. 

A few hours later, we got an email from the school board president. I didn't even know there was a board for the preschool, but apparently there is. It's through the school's affiliated church. This email said that the school director and the church minister were out of town, but that she would be meeting with them on Monday to clarify "this issue". And she assured us that they were interested in serving the best interests of our children. 

I sent a nice note to the teacher, thanking her for teaching my kids to love school. 

I asked another parent more connected to the church if she knew anything. She didn't. 

I had a few flashbacks to my last year of teaching and how a number of us who actually did try to serve the best interests of the children were put on probation. 

I started looking at other preschools. 

Because unless I hear that the amazing teacher was embezzling, abusing children and/or snorting coke during class, I can't imagine a decent reason to fire her. And if they can fire the best teacher in the school (there are people whose sole reason for going to the school is for their kids to have her) for no good reason, I don't want Hugmonkey to go there. 

Even though it will kill me not to send Hugmonkey there, where he's been anxious to go since he could walk. Where he already knows his way around and recognizes most of the teachers. Where I already know how everything works. Where the tuition is relatively affordable. 

I'm not going to make any decisions until I hear their reasons. Maybe she's been dealing all those former students drugs. Maybe she secretly beats the assistant teachers. But I think it's far more likely that their reasons will be complete bullshit. And then I will have to march in there and withdraw Hugmonkey. And yes, I will tell them why. 

I just hope I'm not the only one. 

Hugmonkey Flummoxes Me Again

Last Wednesday I had all but decided to red-shirt my 2 year old so that he could have the amazing teacher. Almost everyone who kindly commented or emailed suggested holding him back. It's not like I was worried about him being academically behind by going to preschool only one morning a week*, so I was all but decided.

And then I picked Hugmonkey up from camp on Thursday and he was all smiles. Same thing Friday. On Sunday, he asked if he could go to camp. I signed him up for another week, sure that this was a fluke brought on by especially good snacks or something.

So we proceeded with Week 2. And he loved it again. He wants to go back next week. Clearly he's enjoying the whole experience and clearly he can handle the teacher's non-amazingness. He's singing songs he learned at camp - I've never been able to get him to sing anything, ever - and telling us about the "cwafs" he's made. I'm pretty sure he's going to freak out when his camp is over and the older two are still going to theirs. 

As a result, I've made a decision. I'm not pushing him back to the 2 year old program. I'm leaving him where he's supposed to be age-wise and letting him have a less amazing teacher. Because apparently he doesn't care so much if his teacher is amazing, as long as she helps him make crafts and sing songs and get along with the other kids. She may not care so much what happens to him after he leaves her classroom and she may not give me detailed reports of his activities each day, but I can tell that he's happy there. That's the point, isn't it? 

And I swear this has nothing to do with the fact that putting him in the 2.5 year old class gives me two mornings a week WITHOUT KIDS. Although that's a nice bonus, isn't it? 

*Some people in my area would, in fact, say I was depriving my child of the early academic experiences that he needed to get ahead. Those people scare me a little.

I May Red Shirt My 2 Year Old

I need your advice, internets.

My beloved Hugmonkey is going to camp at our preschool this week. He will be going there in the fall and he's been dying to join his brother there for months. Now, Hugmonkey is more immature than Lovebug and Ironflower were at his age - he's the baby and it shows. However, he is perfectly happy to go to the childcare room at the Y and he loves to go to story time at the library. He's been dying to go to "skoo" for months.  He should be fine for 2.5 hours a day.

And I think he would be, if he had the right teacher. Ironflower and Lovebug had an AMAZING teacher for their first 2 years of preschool and I had hoped Hugmonkey would have her too. But they have added an independent 2 year old class (in addition to the 2.5 year old class that Hugmonkey is signed up for) and the amazing teacher will be teaching that. So next year Hugmonkey could have an okay teacher or the not so great teacher he has for camp this week. He's really NOT enjoying camp.

Right now, he's scheduled for the 2.5 year old program, which consists of 2 mornings a week. He'll be 3 in November, but he's nowhere near potty trained and he has moments where he bites instead of talks. So pushing him ahead into the 3 year old class, where he could have the AMAZING teacher, doesn't seem like a good idea. The only other way for him to have the AMAZING teacher if for him to join the one morning a week 2 year old class. He'd be among the oldest in that class. Which I'm not sure is a bad thing. Or I keep him in the 2.5 year old program and request the okay teacher.

Thoughts?

I think that if he wasn't having such a hard time with camp, I wouldn't be so worried. I think that if I didn't know about how AMAZING this other teacher is and the wonders she did for Lovebug, I wouldn't be so worried. I think if it wasn't his very first school experience, I wouldn't be so worried. But I do know all of that stuff, so. . .I'm thinking about putting him in the 2 year old program.

Holding him back, in other words.

I suppose I could find another school, but I love the director of this school. I love the AMAZING teacher and the 4 year old teachers and the music teacher and the curriculum. I love the prices. I love that we already know other families at this school.

So, internets, what should I do? Hold him back? Let him have the not so great/kinda sucky teacher? Try another school? Help.

Would This Stress You Out?

The only thing I can say about today is that it didn't rain until after we got home.

You know, I really thought sending Ironflower and Lovebug to school in the afternoon (yes, we only have half day kindergarten around here, it's crazy) meant that our lives would be more relaxed this year. Boy, am I stupid.

We should have had plenty of time this morning. The flu shots were at 9:45 am. But before that I wanted to stop at the bank. And before that I had to pack enough food for lunch and for ChunkyMonkey's constant eating. And before that I had to an edit an article for my mom, which I should have done last night. We made it to the doctor's office on time and all the children calmed down quickly after their initial screams of pain. I was proud of them.

As we hit a nearby park I realized that we didn't have Ironflower's school bag. I changed my timeline so that we could swing by the house before Kindergarten. We played at the park for forty-five minutes, then we left because we had to pick up Lovebug's school bag from where it was being embroidered (at the preschool they are all give the same bag and then the bags are decorated at home with fancy stuff from the craft store. I've discovered that I have no knack for decorating bags, especially when said bags are practically beaten to death by preschoolers. The fancy embroidering that lasts all year is a bargain a $5 a bag, let me tell ya.)

But of course with 3 kids, one of them not yet 2, you can't just run into a store. Especially this store, which has its parking lot half a block a way. So I hauled the stroller and dragged the kids in, only to find out that the bag I dropped off on Tuesday was still not ready. So we went back to the car and I distributed more food before discovering that I had dropped my keys somewhere.

By the time I found them, it was time to race home, grab Ironflower's backpack and get her to school by noon. Then we drove to Lovebug's school to get him there by 12:15. Then we drove home so I could practically toss ChunkyMonkey into his crib for a nap. Then I may have worked. Or stared and drooled at the computer, I forget which.

At 2:20, things started up again. Woke ChunkyMonkey, changed his diaper and armed him with food and drink. Drove to Lovebug's school, where his teacher told me he'd cried over every transition and he began crying (very, very loudly) again as we started for the car. Raced to Ironflower's school and parked on the access road, which is SO not meant for 2 rows of parked cars. Dragged the boys to Ironflower's classroom door and then had to talk her out of playing on the playground. Because we also had to go to the grocery store and I knew I couldn't pull that off after another Lovebug set of tears (he did NOT want to go on the playground) and the 18 dangerous situations ChunkyMonkey would get into during the first 5 minutes.

The big kids were GREAT at the grocery store, which is why we now own 5 more Hot Wheels cars and 1 more Littlest Pet Shop animal. ChunkyMonkey was done after about 10 minutes, which is why I probably owe the store a dollar for all of the grapes he ate while we were shopping. But that seemed a lesser crime than the meltdown that I would have had if he hadn't calmed down. I'm pretty sure my screams would have driven customers away so I'm sure it all works out.

Now they are watching TV and I'm going to make something simple for dinner. Like crackers with peanut butter.

The First Step

Dear Ironflower,

A few days ago you graduated from preschool. This morning you told me that you didn't want to go to kindergarten - you wanted to stay in "the green room" forever.

Oh kiddo, I sort of feel the same way.

I remember tearing up the first time I left you at school. You didn't, though it was the quietest I'd ever seen you. I remember going to the Halloween family night a couple of months later, watching the older kids race around and be totally at ease as you and 2 girls from your class stood there awkwardly. Now those girls are your best friends and the 3 of you race around with utter confidence.

You climb on top of the monkey bars you couldn't reach. You write the full name you barely recognized. You recognize - and say hi to - half the kids and all of the teachers. You count well past 100 after denying you could ever count past 10. You are a bright, friendly, articulate, independent, funny and beautiful girl, Ironflower.

Sometimes you are still my baby girl. I'm trying to cherish those moments when you need me, because I know they are going to get farther and farther apart. You are going to love kindergarten, I promise. And I am going to love watching you change your mind. Even if it will make me tear up.

love,

Mommy

Good-bye, You Bitch

That's what my son said today, after I prompted him to say good-bye to a boy from Ironflower's class. The kids like to run around a bit after being picked up from preschool, because apparently freezing temperatures, a biting wind and snow on the ground are not half as important as playing with their classmates for an extra few minutes. Today I'd seen Lovebug argue with the boy, a nice kid from Ironflower's class. As it didn't get physical and no one came to me about it, I figured all was well.

Until, as we walked to our car with the boy and his mom, my son said, "Good-bye, you bitch." The look of shock on her face combined with the shock I felt made me giggle. I covered my mouth. I made him apologize. I repeated, "We don't call people that" like a mantra.

But of course, we do call people that. Not me, actually - my favorite word, as I've mentioned, is "shit." But my husband and possibly my brother-in-law prefer the term "bitch".  We just spent 10 days at my in-laws, a number of them snowed in. Add in the 3 days driving there and the 3 days driving home and well, we've had a lot of togetherness lately. (Yes, you read that correctly. Three days in the car back to the farm outside of Kansas City, 9 days in a house with no internet, and three days home.  And we're all more or less intact.)

None of which excuses the fact that we've been swearing in front of the children again. Well, in front of Lovebug. Ironflower doesn't seem to notice most of what we say (even when it's directed at her), but Lovebug is like a little sponge. A sponge that called a bigger boy a bitch in front of his mother.

I personally don't care much about swearing, which is good since that would make me a total hypocrite. But name-calling really disturbs me. Maybe it's because I can still remember being called names - that still echo in my head - as a child, but don't even notice most swear words anymore. The only reason I haven't hijacked all of Lovebug's Thomas trains is that I don't think he knew that he was name-calling.

But he'd better remember next time.

Faux Purse

As I've gotten older, I've gotten less trendy and more sure of my personal preferences. So sure, that I gaily said to another mom today at preschool pick-up,
"I love your purse! It's so fun!"

The "purse" in question was hot pink. From a few feet away, it looked leather. I swear. I thought it was fun and offbeat.

Apparently it was actually a cosmetic gift-with-purchase bag that the woman's daughter uses as a play purse. I don't even think it was pleather.

Needless to say, it was like a flashback to seventh grade when I thought my crush came up to talk to me because he might like me back, but in fact he had a mirror on his shoe and I was wearing a skirt.

Because, really, what do you say when you realize that you've been supremely, embarrassingly naive?

Not that I had a crush on this woman, but I didn't exactly want her to think of me as "that bitch who thinks I'd carry a hot pink plastic bag" or "that poor woman who doesn't know what leather is supposed to look like".

Unlike seventh grade, I did not turn tail and run into the girls' room. I babbled something about liking pink too much. I did not convey my mortification, I'm pretty sure.

Yet I'm putting it out here for public consumption because I'm not even sure I should be so embarrassed. Most of the people I know fall into 3 categories; those who could care less what people thought, those who wouldn't think of giving another person a compliment and those who would have known that the bag couldn't be this woman's purse.

I will never make it into category 1. Despite tabletop performances of "Baby Got Back" during karaoke nights at more than 1 bar in Kansas City (in my defense, I was really drunk. . .each time), I don't like it when people think I'm an idiot. Make that "people I know".

Category 2 is not really me either. I like compliments.

In my youth, I'm pretty sure I would have been in category 3. But now I have 3 kids and I'm a freelance writer. . .I probably would use a gift-with-purchase bag as a purse, if it was cute enough and big enough.

I think I'll just have to embrace my naivete. Because I'm 38 years old and I'm just going to have to accept myself. Though I don't accept boys with mirrors on their shoes and women who carry their daughter's purses the same way they'd carry their own. That's still wrong.

Party Pooped

There's a business in a nearby town that is almost entirely devoted to personalized birthday favors. Well, I think it is. I've never actually been in there. But the kids have gotten adorable gift bags with personalized frisbees and whatnot in them. As well as candy. All from a store that I've never heard anyone refer to in any other context.

We've been to a birthday party that had a moonwalk, clown, hot dog cart and 4 cakes. And that was a first birthday party.Mostly, we've been to parties at indoor play places. But occasionally we've been to decked out yards, with visits from Dora and Diego. Once we went to a party that had a clown, a singer and a balloon maker.

I mention all this because Ironflower's birthday is a scant 2 months away. And there are 19 kids in her class. So we're looking at inviting 25 kids to the party, or thereabouts. That will pretty much double the exorbitant fee we'll be paying for the party space in the first place.

When I relayed this to a Kansas City friend of mine, she was kind of horrified. Party spaces and personalized favors didn't happen in her preschooler's world.

And when I lamented to a New Jersey mom that I wished my kids had been born in the summer so I could have a party in my yard, she was horrified by the thought of the clean up and organizing involved.

All I can think is, isn't celebrating a birthday supposed to be FUN? Why am I stressing about this 2 months ahead of time? Oh, right. Ironflower wants what all her friends have: her class at a party place where she will get to be the center of attention. And cute gift bags. And probably a new outfit for the event.

At least I'll have  break until Lovebug's birthday in March. And at least his class is small. And he probably won't care about the outfit.

What about you? What are birthday parties like in your neck of the woods?

All I Needed Was A Menthol Cigarette Hanging Out Of My Mouth

Is your house a mess right now?

Mine is. Even more than usual.

Which didn't seriously bother me until ten minutes ago. I've been putting away and organizing in bits and pieces all day, but I haven't exactly exerted myself. I did, however, manage to collect huge piles of trash (For the love God, toymakers, please cut down on the packaging!). I placed them by my garage door, which is also right by my front door.

When the doorbell rang, I wasn't expecting anyone. So I didn't hesitate as I trudged to the door in my sweats/bangs pinned back by a bobby pin/no make-up condition because I assumed it was UPS or something. I assumed the person on the other side of the door was a stranger - a stranger who had probably come across people much worse than me and my house.

Instead it was Ironflower and Lovebug's teacher. Of course I HAD to open the door. I apologized profusely for the mess as Hot Guy flew up the stairs from the basement and began hauling the trash into the garage. I tried to be sweet and gracious as she delivered the kids' holiday projects and gifts that we hadn't been able to pick up prior to the holiday break. I fear that I just looked hysterical as I tried to explain away the mess - and the fact that Lovebug came jogging out of his room sans pants - and the fact that Ironflower came out of her room wearing socks with a big hole in them.

Lovebug has a habit of taking off his pants while napping. But the hole in Ironflower's socks appeared today. It's the first time she has EVER worn out a pair of socks. EVER. And did I mention that my sweatshirt has spit up stains on it?

We are SO the trashiest family at the preschool.

(If you don't believe me, notice that I'm blogging about this instead of scrubbing my floors.)

No, I'm Not Dead

An evil virus attacked my computer last Friday.

I have been without it since. Without my emotional crutch creative outlet, I have learned a few things:

1. Watching children's television with my children - and without my laptop - is pretty boring.

2. Going to bed early is not that beneficial when you wake up four or five times every night anyway.

3. I missed you guys. Which doesn't mean that I'll manage to actually catch up on my Reader before I have this baby. . .in November.

4. I wish I was one of those techie people who could fix her own damn computer.

Anyway, the evil virus is gone and my computer is in better shape than it was before. In other news, both Ironflower and Lovebug started preschool this week. Ironflower has moved up to the three mornings a week class with her usual confidence and aplomb. AND she didn't even cry when it was time to leave this year.

But the real surprise has been Lovebug. He's always been clingier and more prone to tantrums. And yet he ran into the classroom without a backward glance. I'm sure it helps a lot that he has the same teacher that Ironflower had last year (and has the other days of the week this year) and that he's been itching to play with those classroom toys for months. But I thought he might get upset when he realized that I would be leaving. Nope. And according to the teacher he's been a great little helper and rule follower in the classroom. I am so proud and amazed. . . . . and wondering what I can do to inspire the same kind of behavior at home.

Ironflower also started dance class this week. As usual, she was friendly to all the other kids and completely comfortable in a new situation. And possibly testing the waters to see how closely she had to follow the teacher's directions. She looks so cute in her dance clothes that I can't stand it.

So now, between the minivan, the daily school run, the speech and dance classes and my ignorance of style, the transformation is complete. I am a suburban mom. Next spring I'll be a suburban soccer mom. Is it horrible that just typing that makes me want to get another tattoo?

My Little Prodigy

On Tuesday I volunteered in Ironflower's class. I participated in circle time and then read the kids a story. It was so weird to be using my teacher voice but not be able to correct behavior and whatnot. Not that I wanted to correct very much behavior (her class really is very well-behaved), but it was very odd not having it be my job.

Still, it was a lot of fun. I thought Ironflower might show off in front of me, or shut down as some of the other moms reported their kids doing when they went in to read. But no, Ironflower handled the situation with total aplomb. She was her typical self - about four times more verbal then the other kids. Seriously, she's a talking prodigy. During circle time, Mrs.G. asked each kid to talk about his or her Easter. Most kids replied with a few sentences, some replied in short answers to Mrs.G's prompts. And then came Ironflower. Mrs.G. actually had to interrupt her, so detailed and lengthy was her description of Easter.

That afternoon she talked throughout her entire nap time. TWO HOURS. Sure some days, she doesn't sleep the whole time and I hear her chattering away. But I was within ear shot the whole time and she never, ever paused. It was amazing. She was telling stories, and having conversations with her kitty AND talking to her imaginary friends the dinosaurs - sometimes all at once.

No wonder I sometimes worry about Lovebug's language skills - he speaks like a normal child. By the time Ironflower was his age, she spoke in complete sentences ALL the time. And now she talks in paragraphs. She's even developed a game that emphasizes talking. She describes an animal and then it's your job to guess what it is. Then you describe an animal and she guesses what it is. Yesterday she and Hubby were playing in the car (Ironflower is adamant that this is a two person game only) and he was describing a zebra, "It's black and white, kinda looks like a horse and stars with 'zzz'". Ironflower was stumped long enough for Lovebug to chime in, "Ze-Buh!"

He may not be the talking prodigy his sister is, but he sure doesn't miss anything!

Haiku Friday - My Twenty-Five Dollar Hat

Preschool fundraiser

Ladies Night Out - of a kind

so long, low on chairs

Spent twenty-five bucks

Didn't win anything at all

but got baseball cap

there were nice baskets

filled with such pricey prizes

fancy vendors too

stood for three long hours

didn't even buy paisley

lacrosse stick holder

Didn't eat either

Just had some bottled water

Not a real night out

And I think the worst part of it is I've yet to hear what the fundraiser was for. Being the slacker class mom, I haven't gone to a meeting in a while. I could never get a babysitter on the right nights. Not that I tried that hard. My life is busy enough as it is. And it's one thing to make sure Ironflower's class parties are perfect, it's another to raise money for a school where we already pay tuition.

Maybe I'm a little bitter. Our discretionary funds are small enough - to have wasted twenty-five dollars (movies! lunch out! a pedicure!) to stand around for three hours AND not have won anything (one woman won FOUR prizes, FOUR!) AND know that the school is pretty well stocked. . .it rankles a bit.

This attitude is probably something I should add to my "Reasons I'm A Bitch" list, huh?

Partying in Stuck-Up

Ironflower needs to bring heart-shaped Jello jigglers to her class party tomorrow. Fortunately, Hubby is home and will be able to create them this evening. But still. This is one of the things "requested" by her teacher. In addition to red grapes, 100% juice in juice boxes, cookies and heart themed plates and napkins. Naturally, the other class mom is making the cookies herself.

Homemade party contributions are quite normal here in Stuck-up, both at preschools and elementary schools. Which makes me know I'm living in an alternative universe. When I did my student teaching in a nice but urban school in Portland, no one was allowed to bring in homemade treats. Ditto the nice Seattle suburb I taught in next. When I taught in Kansas City, Kansas (yes, it's a real city - just across the river from Kansas City, Missouri - and it's, um, VERY urban) no one even asked me if they could bring in homemade treats.

When I taught in KCK, I no more would have asked for a list of specific treats than I would have asked for people's ATM passwords. If they had bank accounts. I mean, I was just happy when families sent party treats in at all. Hell, I even bought the juice boxes.

I was struck again by the alternative universe thing when I saw a mom toting in Valentine treat bags yestereday. Not only will her son be passing out Valentines to the class, but all the kids will also get an adorable treat bag. Ironflower and I are even going to be hand making of all our Valentines. In KCK, I used to buy extra Valentine cards just to make sure that all kids got to hand some out.

Thinking about what will be going on at Ironflower's party tomorrow, where several moms will try to outdo each other in the adorable treat bag category and all of the made to order treats will be there in excess, makes me want to go back to my old school and hand each kid a fancy treat bag. Preferably treat bags from the already filled with treats kids at Ironflower's school. That doesn't make me a communist, does it?